Where does the time go? It's Tuesday already. There's been a weekend in there somewhere, and there was a disastrous Monday as well. Friday was a good day, I remember that. Work was troublesome but bearable. Much strife still vis a vis union and management, an issue that continues to plague. But Friday night I went out with Brook, my friend of nearly 20 years (are we really old enough to have friends who are NOT childhood friends, whom we've known for 20 years? why yes, we are). Started out as drinks, had a nice time at the bar--when was the last time I met someone at a bar and "had drinks?" Long time ago. Then we had dinner together. It was a lovely evening. We spent our lives together many years ago, two lives ago, but we can still connect, are still friends. Two people can go separate ways, not communicate for a long time but still know a good, solid, affectionate friendship and mutual respect for one another. I can't picture her life and she can't picture mine--but like my friend Mary Frances, my friend Brook will always be my friend, someone I will always love and will always have in my life. It was a really nice evening and I felt wonderful all the way home, smiling. What a great visit. Who enjoys dogs the same way we do? Not too many people--we have just the right perspective, just the right amount of affection and respect for them. Yes, I let that crazy Tess sleep under the covers, but I know she's just a dog, not a person.
Then we had the weekend, which I admit was pretty much a blur. I slept a lot. Maybe sleeping off my trip, I don't know. Decompressing. Cleaned my house very little. Sunday dinner was really nice, huge steaks cooked on the grill because Bill and I weren't here for Fathers Day so we had our celebration with Ken. Bill fresh back from Ireland and feeling very cheery about his trip. His first vacation in 12 years. I could never do that, go without a vacation. He's remarkable. Or crazy. Anyway, great sense of comradery, great conversation, great food. Beautiful day. That night I had dinner (more beef--meatloaf) with my friend the Congressman and his wife, along with 5 men who are former campers and have the camp just down from my house. These guys are so cute I adore them. They come every June and every October to open and close their camp. They're really, really nice. One is now a judge so we talked about some of his cases. Other peoples' lives are always so interesting. We had a nice evening. I made them guess which campers I used to go off into the woods to make out with. They finally guessed one, but not the other. Fortunately they thought both were cool guys. whew! This was in the 60's, hard to believe! One of these trysts lasted for 4 years, hard for me to believe. Anyway, we sat in front of the fire in their great stone fireplace after dinner, while the campers all reminisced and played trivia, and Annie and I laughed and laughed at their memories. They must have been the cutest boys on the planet.
Yesterday was a terrible day. Missed a doctor's appointment in the morning, misunderstood what time it was supposed to be for, so was late for work. Big fuss about union business, we were issued ultimatum by board's attorney, without being given enough information to make a real decision, I had to track down all the members (ok, there are only 9, but 4 were on the road yesterday), set up a meeting for today, explain the proposal, deal with cross people, etc. Plenty of hostility directed at me, at the board, at the world. Then I left early for the rescheduled appointment, to discover that my left eye is getting cloudy, slowly, because part of the cataract I had removed 7 or so years ago is still there. This is not unusual when younger people have cataracts removed, and can be remedied with a laser, which will come later, much later, but it's discouraging to someone who was already having a bad day. The cloudiness is worse this year than it was last year. But I'm getting a new kind of lens this year that will make it easier for me to use the computer at work and should ease up on my neck and shoulder strain. God I love getting old. Back to bifocals for work, trifocals for the rest of my life.
Then home to think about my brother and cry. Why then? As we all know, it comes upon us suddenly. This time it came upon me as I was using the path he cut for me through my woods, a short cut to my friends' camps. I love that path, and it was so cool that he did that. "You should have a path through these woods." He loved doing things like that, and that path has lasted so well. I have to make sure it stays a path but I don't have a chain saw to cut up the tree that's lying diagonally across the bottom of the path. I had dinner with Rush & Annie last night, really nice time with them. Planning the house they'll be building there next year. Annie said she'll take over the tree removal project that Henry had been working on. She loves using her chain saw. This, believe it or not is a huge relief to me. Someone needs to continue the work he started in creating and maintaining the view from my hill. She and I can work together on that really well. Nothing this year, but when their house is done and she retires (2-3 years) she'll be here enough time to play in the woods with me. That should work out really well. Maybe by then I'll have my own chain saw too. That would be cool beyond cool.
Meanwhile I have to order firewood, get a plane ticket, order lumber for my deck, pay my mortgage, make my car payment, pay my car insurance and some other bills. Using what for money? Got to buy those lottery tickets.
Supposed to be in the 80's for the rest of the week. It was 37 the other morning. I'm not staying at camp, it's too cold for me. Water temp at Silver Lake is now 66, according to Rush's thermometer. Suspicious, if you ask me. Maybe our docks will go in this weekend. I need to start reading the next book for our book group. White teeth, by Zadie Smith. I'm finishing up a really good book, The strange event of the dog in the night time (I think that's it), first person narrative fiction by an autistic boy. It's short but effective. Not really about a dog.
Dogs. Boy are they dominating my life these days. They're roaming way too much. Had to retrieve them the other day. Have been asked to keep them at home more. Must let them out one at a time. Can't be outside with all of them at once unless we're all on the deck together with a gate across the stairs. This is not the life I had intended for us. Will not, not, not walk them on a leash. Everyone loves that Tess, she's a sweetie, they say. And Jackson is a nice boy, a very nice old dog. But the people renting Bill's camp don't want them around their nasty dog who stays inside and barks that them. I guess I understand that. And I don't want my dogs roaming but I don't know how to break them of the habit. Damn that Jackson! Tess wouldn't have thought of it on her own, she and Chances never left the perimeter of the house and yard before he came into our lives. I need to exercise them more, that's really the key. Exercise? That word again.
And now I have to evaluate my two employees. Performance characteristics. 9 for each of them. Long descriptions of the last year's worth of their work. Let's be honest now, and let's try to think of nice things to say. yeah, sure. That won't be too much of a challenge...
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Friday, June 25, 2004
Cold night last night, cold morning. Lots of rain, which was lucky for my flowers and plants because I didn't water them before going to bed. Poor yellow pansies were prostrate and collapsible. Dogs ran off this morning when I let them out and crawled back under the covers. First Jack came back, stood over me and barked, then he lay down in a little ball (little is a relative term when you're talking about a 70-lb dog) and was quiet. This helped less, as it quieted me down too. When I finally got up to feed them, they were all gone. I called work to say I'd be in when I could retrieve the retrievers. They came back, I fed them, turned to brush my teeth with the screen door latched shut. Oh no, not good enough for them, they punched hole #3 in the door and off they went again. What pigs they all are. Chances came back in 5 minutes but the other two took a long walk while I paced in the living room, watched Jimmy Buffet on the Today show and cursed them a lot. I finally made it to work. As Kristen would say, "woo-hoo."
Last night was really nice. I had my book group, minus 2, meet first at my house then wander down to camp. We had the mother of one, the woman who used to work with me in Providence 20 something years ago, join us, so that was nice. Another librarian in her 50's. We met on the boat house porch and they were all duly impressed with the facility and my dessert. We had a short, decisive discussion of the book. All agreed that, shortened and to the point it would have made 4 great articles in The New Yorker. We spent a lot of the rest of the 2 1/2 hours talking about ourselves, then about other books we liked that we've read. So, Kristen, we turned it into what you said it would become for you, which I thought was interesting. And at some points during the discussion we got fairly personal about ourselves in discussing some points of the book. Well, heck, there was a whole chapter on man's relationship with marijuana and marijuana's relationship with man, and the cannabinoids in our brains. The book is Botany of Desire, should anyone be interested to pursue this. A chapter on apples, one on the tulip (very interesting), one on marijuana, and one on the potato (most interesting). Man's relationship to plants and the relationship plants have to man. Good for me, since I've always believed that plants have a proactive relationship in the cosmos and have always influenced me in ways other than the effect they have upon smoking or ingestion. This is a spiritual thing.
So anyway I enjoyed the gathering of the clan, and liked seeing my friend Mary again. Interesting to see her again after all these years. Her daughter is getting married next week at her boyfriend's camp, just down the road from where Lin lives. Small world this is.
And I heard from the gravestone guy, got the bill for Henry's stone. A note on the bill says he put the stone near the monument. WRONG PLACE. I now have the unpleasant task of checking it out to see exactly where it is, then calling Abe (last name Lincoln, no less) to have him move it to the RIGHT PLACE, near Spaulding's grave, as I told him when I met with him. Lovely. Oh hell, let's just put ourselves in random spots around the site, shall we?
Today's work has been full of union v. management strife--trying to reach an agreement on a payroll/days off issue that management wanted settled by today, but only gave us their counter-proposal yesterday afternoon for. This after we gave them our final, yes final proposal a month ago. Games, it's all games, pure mindfuck. So now I have to gather the troops next week and explain to the 4 who think we should go along with mgt's proposal WHY it's not good to go back on your final offer. blech.
Tonight I'm going out with a woman I haven't seen for probably 13 years, who used to be my closest friend, a neighbor from the first years I lived here. She and her boyfriend and my husband and I cooked dinner together every single night because they didn't have running water so they liked eating at our house. We did everything together and were inseparable. Then we bought our house and moved and they broke up (and he put water in the house as soon as she left: one of the main reasons she left was his refusal to bring the water line from the barn into the house). So now I'm seeing her for the 2nd time in 13 years, which will be really nice. She's married to someone I've never met, has been for 15 years or so. Life is an interesting turn of events, isn't it.
What's up for the weekend, let's see. Call my sister to say good-bye and have a good trip home. Call Kristen to see how she's doing now that the tribe has dwindled down. Plant those fucking geraniums in the ground somewhere, anywhere. Maybe stay in the boathouse. Visit with Ken. The crazy women from Baltimore are coming on Saturday, staying in the cabin up the hill behind Ken's so I'm sure I'll see them on Sunday, maybe at Sunday dinner. Next weekend is 4th of July and Sonci will be crawling with people. The water is in...sort of. You have to turn it on with the valve on the ground that's nearest the pump (I love my male cousins) and the toilet in main camp doesn't work because it needs a new tank (they're working on that). Guess I shouldn't complain, if you do everything just right water will come out of the faucets. You can't leave the hot water tanks on, though, because you have to turn the valve off when you leave, apparently, so you don't want to burn out the elements in the hot water tanks. Whattafuck.
Last night was really nice. I had my book group, minus 2, meet first at my house then wander down to camp. We had the mother of one, the woman who used to work with me in Providence 20 something years ago, join us, so that was nice. Another librarian in her 50's. We met on the boat house porch and they were all duly impressed with the facility and my dessert. We had a short, decisive discussion of the book. All agreed that, shortened and to the point it would have made 4 great articles in The New Yorker. We spent a lot of the rest of the 2 1/2 hours talking about ourselves, then about other books we liked that we've read. So, Kristen, we turned it into what you said it would become for you, which I thought was interesting. And at some points during the discussion we got fairly personal about ourselves in discussing some points of the book. Well, heck, there was a whole chapter on man's relationship with marijuana and marijuana's relationship with man, and the cannabinoids in our brains. The book is Botany of Desire, should anyone be interested to pursue this. A chapter on apples, one on the tulip (very interesting), one on marijuana, and one on the potato (most interesting). Man's relationship to plants and the relationship plants have to man. Good for me, since I've always believed that plants have a proactive relationship in the cosmos and have always influenced me in ways other than the effect they have upon smoking or ingestion. This is a spiritual thing.
So anyway I enjoyed the gathering of the clan, and liked seeing my friend Mary again. Interesting to see her again after all these years. Her daughter is getting married next week at her boyfriend's camp, just down the road from where Lin lives. Small world this is.
And I heard from the gravestone guy, got the bill for Henry's stone. A note on the bill says he put the stone near the monument. WRONG PLACE. I now have the unpleasant task of checking it out to see exactly where it is, then calling Abe (last name Lincoln, no less) to have him move it to the RIGHT PLACE, near Spaulding's grave, as I told him when I met with him. Lovely. Oh hell, let's just put ourselves in random spots around the site, shall we?
Today's work has been full of union v. management strife--trying to reach an agreement on a payroll/days off issue that management wanted settled by today, but only gave us their counter-proposal yesterday afternoon for. This after we gave them our final, yes final proposal a month ago. Games, it's all games, pure mindfuck. So now I have to gather the troops next week and explain to the 4 who think we should go along with mgt's proposal WHY it's not good to go back on your final offer. blech.
Tonight I'm going out with a woman I haven't seen for probably 13 years, who used to be my closest friend, a neighbor from the first years I lived here. She and her boyfriend and my husband and I cooked dinner together every single night because they didn't have running water so they liked eating at our house. We did everything together and were inseparable. Then we bought our house and moved and they broke up (and he put water in the house as soon as she left: one of the main reasons she left was his refusal to bring the water line from the barn into the house). So now I'm seeing her for the 2nd time in 13 years, which will be really nice. She's married to someone I've never met, has been for 15 years or so. Life is an interesting turn of events, isn't it.
What's up for the weekend, let's see. Call my sister to say good-bye and have a good trip home. Call Kristen to see how she's doing now that the tribe has dwindled down. Plant those fucking geraniums in the ground somewhere, anywhere. Maybe stay in the boathouse. Visit with Ken. The crazy women from Baltimore are coming on Saturday, staying in the cabin up the hill behind Ken's so I'm sure I'll see them on Sunday, maybe at Sunday dinner. Next weekend is 4th of July and Sonci will be crawling with people. The water is in...sort of. You have to turn it on with the valve on the ground that's nearest the pump (I love my male cousins) and the toilet in main camp doesn't work because it needs a new tank (they're working on that). Guess I shouldn't complain, if you do everything just right water will come out of the faucets. You can't leave the hot water tanks on, though, because you have to turn the valve off when you leave, apparently, so you don't want to burn out the elements in the hot water tanks. Whattafuck.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Home again home again jiddity jig. Back to work, back in work pants. Yes, they still fit, but there's no slack in the waist anymore. Was late to work, had trouble getting out of bed. Was awake, but I so enjoy having the 2 brown girls roughousing on top of me in the morning. They growl, they bounce, they chew on each other and it's so endearing I just love it. They are happy to have me home and have life back to normal. Chances sat next to me on the couch after I got home and wiggled and wiggled, flipping over and over like a dolphin rolling in the sea. Tess jumped on top of her, jockeying for position. Jackson did what he always does: stood in front of me and barked. Then they spent a lot of time exploring the possibilities of running away. Someone has made another hole in the screen door so just latching it is no deterrent for J & T (Chances doesn't seem to know she might fit through a 10" hole and she stays in). I have to close the glass door, which I hate doing in the summer. The evening was spent letting them in and out, one at a time. It was a lot like answering Grace's never ending request for a sip of soda. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Trip home was fine, uneventful. I slept from Green Bay to Chicago, I hung out in O'Hare and enjoyed Starbucks. I slept from Chicago to Burlington. AGAIN I was on the wrong side of the plane to see my house and lake when we flew over it. I could see the AuSable Club clear as a bell when we flew over it and Keene Valley, though, and that was fun. What a beautiful trip through the Adirondacks and into the Champlain Valley. Clear day, green,green below. Lots of lakes and mountains.
Home is fine. Lin mowed my lawn: the act of a true friend. She called to make sure I got home before she headed home from work. I know she wanted to make sure the dogs would be all right too. She installed a new shower head, much inferior to the old. Water pressure is now too, too low. May have to locate the old one and re-install.
How is it to be home? Well, I miss the people in Wisconsin. I love being part of that tribe. What a great group, what a great time we had. So peaceful, overall. Sure, conflict. Molly's right, Grace and I have power struggles. Same as Henry and Grace had. She's a perflect blend of her parents (at least what I imagine her father to be like). She has some of the great qualities of her mother. Every time she asks if she can do something and is given a negative response she asks "Why?" Without exception. If you say "Because," she says that's not an answer. "Because I say so" is not acceptable but she'll take it. She's a sweet girl with a great streak of strength and inner struggle. Margaret is easy to please and sweet, working herself into the person she will be. Following Grace along, every now and then asserting herself. They're both lost without one anotoher. Anna is one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever met. I wish she were spending the summer at MY house. I'd love to hear the strains of cello music coming from a room in my house and know she was in a room under my roof, able to visit with me from time to time. What a really, really wonderful person she is. And Molly and I are sisters, just as we always have been. So different and yet so much the same, through history, background and emotional makeup in some ways. We're so different in so many ways, but so much the same in other ways. It was great to be together. Kristen, I could spend the rest of my life with her: my heterosexual life partner, truly. Didn't get to spend enough time with her, but am looking forward to having 2 weeks in August with her. This is my family of women and I'm so lucky to have them. I felt enveloped and part of a wonderful group. I loved it all.
So many trips to the beach, every day a different one. Seeing the water in its different moods, I always love that. The landscape, so unique and Midwestern. No, I couldn't live there but I love having access to it, being in the middle of it and surrounded by it. I love the farm with 14 silos. That's just amazing to me. 14 silos! So beautiful in its magnitude. The miles and miles of flatland. I know midwesterners get claustrophobic in the mountains sometimes and when I'm there I feel as if I'm stretching my arms out so completely, I can see for miles and miles, Roger Daltry.
And now I'm at work, having spent most of the morning doing no work to speak of. Read email, caught up on department crap (poor suffering staff members). Talked on the phone with Liza for an hour. She's fine, sounds well actually. The weather is good and her hand is healing so she feels confident and relatively cheerful. Seeing Jenica really made a difference in her life. Now she's looking forward to visits from all of us, trying to figure out if she'll come here next month or not. They had a turtle appear in their pond, which is an amazing feat of nature. There's no swamp or water anywhere near their house, they just got up the other morning and there it was, swimming in their pond, a 4" turtle. Not a snapper, thankfully. How cool is that?
Got a bill from the headstone maker, along with a note that they put Henry's stone near the monument. I have to check it out but it sounds as if I'll have to ask them to move it. Rats! My fault for not getting up there to leave a marker where we wanted the stone put. The consequences of putting things off.
I stopped at the grocery store on my way home. The ferry ride was like glass, the lake beautiful and peaceful. I decided to feel calm, productive, body image positive. Bought lots of fruit, soy milk (but whipped cream for tonight's book group dessert). Delicious looking peaches, watermelon, cherries, apples (no Pink Ladies, they're gone from my store). Dogs ate all the peaches while I was in the shower this morning. I MEAN REALLY! I love peaches. So far the dogs have peed on my bed (yesterday) and undermined my attempts at weight loss (this morning). This is not being supportive, this is not unconditional love. But they are so great, they are so entertaining, they are so wonderful. Last night on the couch Tess slept right on top of my chest, curled up and so affectionate. This is not a dog who likes to cuddle that much, but she was so contented in that position. I realize not everyone likes a 45-lb weight on their chest but I love having her so attached to me and so happy to have me home. I felt like a dead, bloated body in the water, weighed down by Chances on my feet and Tess on my chest. OK, so I was watching a Lacy Peterson movie to kill the time and they had just found the bodies floating in the bay.
Maybe I should try to get some work done.
Trip home was fine, uneventful. I slept from Green Bay to Chicago, I hung out in O'Hare and enjoyed Starbucks. I slept from Chicago to Burlington. AGAIN I was on the wrong side of the plane to see my house and lake when we flew over it. I could see the AuSable Club clear as a bell when we flew over it and Keene Valley, though, and that was fun. What a beautiful trip through the Adirondacks and into the Champlain Valley. Clear day, green,green below. Lots of lakes and mountains.
Home is fine. Lin mowed my lawn: the act of a true friend. She called to make sure I got home before she headed home from work. I know she wanted to make sure the dogs would be all right too. She installed a new shower head, much inferior to the old. Water pressure is now too, too low. May have to locate the old one and re-install.
How is it to be home? Well, I miss the people in Wisconsin. I love being part of that tribe. What a great group, what a great time we had. So peaceful, overall. Sure, conflict. Molly's right, Grace and I have power struggles. Same as Henry and Grace had. She's a perflect blend of her parents (at least what I imagine her father to be like). She has some of the great qualities of her mother. Every time she asks if she can do something and is given a negative response she asks "Why?" Without exception. If you say "Because," she says that's not an answer. "Because I say so" is not acceptable but she'll take it. She's a sweet girl with a great streak of strength and inner struggle. Margaret is easy to please and sweet, working herself into the person she will be. Following Grace along, every now and then asserting herself. They're both lost without one anotoher. Anna is one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever met. I wish she were spending the summer at MY house. I'd love to hear the strains of cello music coming from a room in my house and know she was in a room under my roof, able to visit with me from time to time. What a really, really wonderful person she is. And Molly and I are sisters, just as we always have been. So different and yet so much the same, through history, background and emotional makeup in some ways. We're so different in so many ways, but so much the same in other ways. It was great to be together. Kristen, I could spend the rest of my life with her: my heterosexual life partner, truly. Didn't get to spend enough time with her, but am looking forward to having 2 weeks in August with her. This is my family of women and I'm so lucky to have them. I felt enveloped and part of a wonderful group. I loved it all.
So many trips to the beach, every day a different one. Seeing the water in its different moods, I always love that. The landscape, so unique and Midwestern. No, I couldn't live there but I love having access to it, being in the middle of it and surrounded by it. I love the farm with 14 silos. That's just amazing to me. 14 silos! So beautiful in its magnitude. The miles and miles of flatland. I know midwesterners get claustrophobic in the mountains sometimes and when I'm there I feel as if I'm stretching my arms out so completely, I can see for miles and miles, Roger Daltry.
And now I'm at work, having spent most of the morning doing no work to speak of. Read email, caught up on department crap (poor suffering staff members). Talked on the phone with Liza for an hour. She's fine, sounds well actually. The weather is good and her hand is healing so she feels confident and relatively cheerful. Seeing Jenica really made a difference in her life. Now she's looking forward to visits from all of us, trying to figure out if she'll come here next month or not. They had a turtle appear in their pond, which is an amazing feat of nature. There's no swamp or water anywhere near their house, they just got up the other morning and there it was, swimming in their pond, a 4" turtle. Not a snapper, thankfully. How cool is that?
Got a bill from the headstone maker, along with a note that they put Henry's stone near the monument. I have to check it out but it sounds as if I'll have to ask them to move it. Rats! My fault for not getting up there to leave a marker where we wanted the stone put. The consequences of putting things off.
I stopped at the grocery store on my way home. The ferry ride was like glass, the lake beautiful and peaceful. I decided to feel calm, productive, body image positive. Bought lots of fruit, soy milk (but whipped cream for tonight's book group dessert). Delicious looking peaches, watermelon, cherries, apples (no Pink Ladies, they're gone from my store). Dogs ate all the peaches while I was in the shower this morning. I MEAN REALLY! I love peaches. So far the dogs have peed on my bed (yesterday) and undermined my attempts at weight loss (this morning). This is not being supportive, this is not unconditional love. But they are so great, they are so entertaining, they are so wonderful. Last night on the couch Tess slept right on top of my chest, curled up and so affectionate. This is not a dog who likes to cuddle that much, but she was so contented in that position. I realize not everyone likes a 45-lb weight on their chest but I love having her so attached to me and so happy to have me home. I felt like a dead, bloated body in the water, weighed down by Chances on my feet and Tess on my chest. OK, so I was watching a Lacy Peterson movie to kill the time and they had just found the bodies floating in the bay.
Maybe I should try to get some work done.
Friday, June 11, 2004
I ordered my brother's headstone today. Put it off long enough, finally had to face up to it and do it. I stayed home as long as I was supposed to, waiting for the tv dish repairman to show up (he never showed up--they called me after he was supposed to come to say they didn't have a technician in the area--AUGH!). So I climbed in the car with my brown girls and drove to the granite company and picked out the best (I thought) stone. It's the same size as Spaulding's, 10" X 20", and is 4" high. Gray granite. They come polished but I asked them to sand the polish off. All that will be on it is HENRY GEER ROGERS on one line and
APRIL 25-1949-APRIL 5, 2004 on the next line. If there's a mistake in any of that let me know right away because he's going to work on it right away and get it up there soon. It costs $250 and we can pay him when he sends me the bill. I have to get there soon to mark the spot where we want it. While I'm there I have 20 geraniums and some zinnias (for Henry) to plant. The bugs weren't too bad so hopefully I'll get it done this weekend, before I go to the Midwest.
What a beautiful day today was. We have to call it a Day of Prayer because that's what everyone's contracts say, so to give us the day off it has to be called that. I guess, I don't know. I certainly don't pray or Mourn, so it doesn't matter to me what it's called. I call it Dead President Day. My dogs celebrated by running away for hours. I couldn't go looking for them because the repair guy was supposed to come. Waste of my time. Now Ihave to take Mon. afternoon off because he's supposed to come sometime between 1 and 4. As if I can afford to take Monday afternoon off, when I have to take Tues. morning off for my ultrasound, and am leaving on Weds. Oh well, what is what is. Can you tell I've taken some atavan?
My dish hasn't worked since the big storm of the other night, when trees came down, boats ended up on the road, all hell broke lose. Nothing down at Sonci that I could see on quick inspection. Linda lost 3 big pines and some camps behind the island had trees fall on them. Roger Douglas said he saw a tornado go through but I have real doubts about that. Anyway it was an intense wind and now my dish won't work, says there's no signal. So I;m reduced to watching network tv. This is truly the pits. It would happen during Reagan's funerals--how many is he having, anyway, 3? 4? They're still burying him and he'd been dead a week. I watch some public television and that's not so bad but it gets infuriating because there's some testimony in front of the Congressional committee looking into our torturing of Iraqi prisoners. Oh the arrogance of this administration! So basically there's nothing worth watching. I've been reading my book. So far I've covered the apple and the tulip, now moving on to marijuana.
I really hope to do some gardening tomorrow. I have 2 sets of lupines in bloom now--this is radical and thrilling. One is purple, one pink. I love it. Also have spiderwort, one pink and one purple. One from Liza and one from Lin. Really neat, I'm thrilled. My baptisia is growing smaller and less enthusiastic but is still waist high. It's 20 years old so I guess it's entitled. Likewise, my rose bush, also 20 years old, has died in the center and has new growth all around the edges. I'm not sure it will bloom this year, for the first time in 20 years. I brought it with me from RI. Hope it rallies, I'd really miss it.
I stopped at Pray's in Plattsburgh last night and bought a bunch of flowers--lots of snaps so I can work on my dream of having a huge patch of snapdragons in the middle of my flower bed. Also got cosmos because I always have them. Got some zinnias to plant in the cemetery in memory of Henry, for Kristen. More impatiens for the shade. They had some really neat snaps, lavendar and white in a really neat shape but they were already blooming and going by so I didn't get them.
The weather is really great, blue sky and crystal clear. The dogs and I lie on the deck (when they finally return from wherever they go) and marvel at it. The bugs are bad but bearable because there's a breeze. I got my hair cut very short last night. She pretended to give me a new cut and gelled it all up differently but when I washed it this morning it went back to its old ways and now just looks hacked off. Oh hair, it's such a funny thing.
I only cried a little getting Henry's stone. there are all these stones out front on the ground, some are carved with people's names, some are blank. makes me want to get one for myself ahead of time and have it ready and waiting. Anyway, I want one just like Henry's, same as Spauldings, just my name and numbers, next to Henry and/or Molly if she has a stone there. Yes, we need to have a marker for Molly even if there's nothing under it.
I'm going to bed early tonight, if it kills me. If I have to take 10 pills to sleep. No more staying up until 2 and sleeping late, I need to normalize a schedule because I'm going to be with other people who won't have the same schedule I do. NO one has the schedule I do. Even my dogs nag me about going to bed. I also have much organizing of my house to do before Monday. OK, so I'll just do one or two more crossword puzzles before I get going...
APRIL 25-1949-APRIL 5, 2004 on the next line. If there's a mistake in any of that let me know right away because he's going to work on it right away and get it up there soon. It costs $250 and we can pay him when he sends me the bill. I have to get there soon to mark the spot where we want it. While I'm there I have 20 geraniums and some zinnias (for Henry) to plant. The bugs weren't too bad so hopefully I'll get it done this weekend, before I go to the Midwest.
What a beautiful day today was. We have to call it a Day of Prayer because that's what everyone's contracts say, so to give us the day off it has to be called that. I guess, I don't know. I certainly don't pray or Mourn, so it doesn't matter to me what it's called. I call it Dead President Day. My dogs celebrated by running away for hours. I couldn't go looking for them because the repair guy was supposed to come. Waste of my time. Now Ihave to take Mon. afternoon off because he's supposed to come sometime between 1 and 4. As if I can afford to take Monday afternoon off, when I have to take Tues. morning off for my ultrasound, and am leaving on Weds. Oh well, what is what is. Can you tell I've taken some atavan?
My dish hasn't worked since the big storm of the other night, when trees came down, boats ended up on the road, all hell broke lose. Nothing down at Sonci that I could see on quick inspection. Linda lost 3 big pines and some camps behind the island had trees fall on them. Roger Douglas said he saw a tornado go through but I have real doubts about that. Anyway it was an intense wind and now my dish won't work, says there's no signal. So I;m reduced to watching network tv. This is truly the pits. It would happen during Reagan's funerals--how many is he having, anyway, 3? 4? They're still burying him and he'd been dead a week. I watch some public television and that's not so bad but it gets infuriating because there's some testimony in front of the Congressional committee looking into our torturing of Iraqi prisoners. Oh the arrogance of this administration! So basically there's nothing worth watching. I've been reading my book. So far I've covered the apple and the tulip, now moving on to marijuana.
I really hope to do some gardening tomorrow. I have 2 sets of lupines in bloom now--this is radical and thrilling. One is purple, one pink. I love it. Also have spiderwort, one pink and one purple. One from Liza and one from Lin. Really neat, I'm thrilled. My baptisia is growing smaller and less enthusiastic but is still waist high. It's 20 years old so I guess it's entitled. Likewise, my rose bush, also 20 years old, has died in the center and has new growth all around the edges. I'm not sure it will bloom this year, for the first time in 20 years. I brought it with me from RI. Hope it rallies, I'd really miss it.
I stopped at Pray's in Plattsburgh last night and bought a bunch of flowers--lots of snaps so I can work on my dream of having a huge patch of snapdragons in the middle of my flower bed. Also got cosmos because I always have them. Got some zinnias to plant in the cemetery in memory of Henry, for Kristen. More impatiens for the shade. They had some really neat snaps, lavendar and white in a really neat shape but they were already blooming and going by so I didn't get them.
The weather is really great, blue sky and crystal clear. The dogs and I lie on the deck (when they finally return from wherever they go) and marvel at it. The bugs are bad but bearable because there's a breeze. I got my hair cut very short last night. She pretended to give me a new cut and gelled it all up differently but when I washed it this morning it went back to its old ways and now just looks hacked off. Oh hair, it's such a funny thing.
I only cried a little getting Henry's stone. there are all these stones out front on the ground, some are carved with people's names, some are blank. makes me want to get one for myself ahead of time and have it ready and waiting. Anyway, I want one just like Henry's, same as Spauldings, just my name and numbers, next to Henry and/or Molly if she has a stone there. Yes, we need to have a marker for Molly even if there's nothing under it.
I'm going to bed early tonight, if it kills me. If I have to take 10 pills to sleep. No more staying up until 2 and sleeping late, I need to normalize a schedule because I'm going to be with other people who won't have the same schedule I do. NO one has the schedule I do. Even my dogs nag me about going to bed. I also have much organizing of my house to do before Monday. OK, so I'll just do one or two more crossword puzzles before I get going...
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
We just had the most dramatic thunderstorm blow through town. In celebration of being alone, all alone in my department (grumpy complaining clerks are at a conference today and tomorrow, even finding something about that to complain about), I went out to get a sandwich for lunch, and on the way home in my rear view mirror I could see the western sky was nearly as dark as night. As I got out of my car the wind was blowing so hard it was incredible. Just as I got inside the huge powerful drops of rain started to fall. Now it's quiet--not like that quiet you get in the Midwest when the air is green and charged and there are tornado warnings, just still and quiet here. I'm actually listening to NPR at my desk on my computer, something I NEVER do, but there's no one else in my department so I'm wallowing in solitude, savoring every minute of my work day.
I listened to Warren Zevon on the way to work today and of course it led me straight to Henry. I came up with the only regret I've had so far: sorry I didn't tell Henry that I was sorry Warren Zevon died. I know he really enjoyed the times he worked with him at Charlotte's Web, really enjoyed knowing him. Heck, if that's my greatest regret about my relationship with my brother that's not bad. Anyway, I had a yearning to hear Zevon, but of course it made me cry and cry. So I said "Henry, why did you leave me?" (after all, it's always about me, isn't it?). Then, before I really finished my sentence, I was comforted immensely by the knowledge that he didn't want to, he didn't mean to, and he would have done anything in his power not to have left. He DID do everything in his power not to. I just wish he were still here, that's all. I'm thinking a lot about him these days, probably because I'm going back to Wisc. and will see things like his boots, god bless his boots, how they make me cry. And so I cry a bit now, more than in recent times, but it's a sweeter sadness, a more familiar pain. Well heck, I just miss my brother and think he was a sweet person who added so much to my life. He took such good care of me, without really appreciating how much he did for me himself. I guess that's one of the sweetest things--that he couldn't really grasp just how much it meant to me to have him do all he did and say all he said, especially in the last several years. But he understood so much about me, and he accepted the things about me I needed to have someone accept, without explanation, but he was always interested in my explanation. How I appreciated that! I hate apologizing for mental illness, but it doesn't go away, it's always there, and I can't really apologize for my behavior, people just have to accept it that I'm doing the best I can. I felt that he did, and he noticed how much I was trying to be a better person, more than just about anyone else did. He seemed to have found a new sense of me.
Anyway, it was a rough trip to work, after all, a dead man was singing and a dead man dominated my thoughts. But I like Molly's input that we should leave the dead alone because they're either working or resting, and so should be left to do what they need to do. Let sleeping dogs lie and let dead people die.
And now I have a choice between deleting long overdue books from the system or weeding worthless fiction titles from the collection or reading book reviews. All three of these, curiously, appeal to me.
Last night was a reunion of people who went on the Planned Parenthood bus trip to Washington to the March for Women's Lives in April. It was pretty quiet but a nice group. Lin and I went and had to keep explaining why we didn't look familiar to anyone in the group--like, how we marched with people from California and then Kansas because we got separated from New York, then fell asleep and woke up after the march started. We looked at everyone's pictures and showed mine (I had the best port-a-potty pictures, hands down) and watched a video that students from the college had done for a class project. It was moving to see it all again. They had good footage of some of the speakers, which I found particularly exciting to see.
My group of Rockford friends is planning a reunion for next year, they're trying to figure out where to go. The woman who's got Harvard connections has a lead on a place that Harvard owns in Portland, Maine; someone else had a lead on a place in Oregon that has cabins that are treehouses--everyone's just thinking of different places. Me, I'm just alone for the ride. Looking forward to seeing them all again, especially a couple of them I really bonded with last time. For some reason I these two, who were sharing the condo with me, that my father was an alcoholic who had been pretty cruel to me my senior year in high school, and passed out every night in his chair. They were really nice, said no one knew. Yeah, right--that's the point, I said, no one was supposed to know. Covert abuse.
But now I have my life and my life is good. The black flies are fierce and plentiful. You'd think they'd be getting tired of being around but they're reaching their peak now, I hope. We've had them around for nearly a month, but they're just getting unbearable now. I can't stand being outside for more than a few minutes at a time. I watered my plants last night and it was a real chore, I was swatting and ducking like crazy by the time I was done. Don't know how the dogs stand it--they're covered with bites by the time they come in. Only Tess went swimming last night, Chances stayed home while Jackson and Tess took a stroll. I ended up staying at home because my house cooled off enough to stay there and sleep under the covers after all. It was a really windy night with a nice cool breeze, very pleasant. I'm struggling to read our current book, The Botany of Desire. It's about the influence on people that certain plants have had and the influence on these plants that people have had. I like the premise, I'm just sort of struggling to get into it. It's about apples, tulips, marijuana and potatoes. I'm only on apples so far. Johnny Appleseed and his work in the 1800's in Ohio. a bit of a yawn.
I listened to Warren Zevon on the way to work today and of course it led me straight to Henry. I came up with the only regret I've had so far: sorry I didn't tell Henry that I was sorry Warren Zevon died. I know he really enjoyed the times he worked with him at Charlotte's Web, really enjoyed knowing him. Heck, if that's my greatest regret about my relationship with my brother that's not bad. Anyway, I had a yearning to hear Zevon, but of course it made me cry and cry. So I said "Henry, why did you leave me?" (after all, it's always about me, isn't it?). Then, before I really finished my sentence, I was comforted immensely by the knowledge that he didn't want to, he didn't mean to, and he would have done anything in his power not to have left. He DID do everything in his power not to. I just wish he were still here, that's all. I'm thinking a lot about him these days, probably because I'm going back to Wisc. and will see things like his boots, god bless his boots, how they make me cry. And so I cry a bit now, more than in recent times, but it's a sweeter sadness, a more familiar pain. Well heck, I just miss my brother and think he was a sweet person who added so much to my life. He took such good care of me, without really appreciating how much he did for me himself. I guess that's one of the sweetest things--that he couldn't really grasp just how much it meant to me to have him do all he did and say all he said, especially in the last several years. But he understood so much about me, and he accepted the things about me I needed to have someone accept, without explanation, but he was always interested in my explanation. How I appreciated that! I hate apologizing for mental illness, but it doesn't go away, it's always there, and I can't really apologize for my behavior, people just have to accept it that I'm doing the best I can. I felt that he did, and he noticed how much I was trying to be a better person, more than just about anyone else did. He seemed to have found a new sense of me.
Anyway, it was a rough trip to work, after all, a dead man was singing and a dead man dominated my thoughts. But I like Molly's input that we should leave the dead alone because they're either working or resting, and so should be left to do what they need to do. Let sleeping dogs lie and let dead people die.
And now I have a choice between deleting long overdue books from the system or weeding worthless fiction titles from the collection or reading book reviews. All three of these, curiously, appeal to me.
Last night was a reunion of people who went on the Planned Parenthood bus trip to Washington to the March for Women's Lives in April. It was pretty quiet but a nice group. Lin and I went and had to keep explaining why we didn't look familiar to anyone in the group--like, how we marched with people from California and then Kansas because we got separated from New York, then fell asleep and woke up after the march started. We looked at everyone's pictures and showed mine (I had the best port-a-potty pictures, hands down) and watched a video that students from the college had done for a class project. It was moving to see it all again. They had good footage of some of the speakers, which I found particularly exciting to see.
My group of Rockford friends is planning a reunion for next year, they're trying to figure out where to go. The woman who's got Harvard connections has a lead on a place that Harvard owns in Portland, Maine; someone else had a lead on a place in Oregon that has cabins that are treehouses--everyone's just thinking of different places. Me, I'm just alone for the ride. Looking forward to seeing them all again, especially a couple of them I really bonded with last time. For some reason I these two, who were sharing the condo with me, that my father was an alcoholic who had been pretty cruel to me my senior year in high school, and passed out every night in his chair. They were really nice, said no one knew. Yeah, right--that's the point, I said, no one was supposed to know. Covert abuse.
But now I have my life and my life is good. The black flies are fierce and plentiful. You'd think they'd be getting tired of being around but they're reaching their peak now, I hope. We've had them around for nearly a month, but they're just getting unbearable now. I can't stand being outside for more than a few minutes at a time. I watered my plants last night and it was a real chore, I was swatting and ducking like crazy by the time I was done. Don't know how the dogs stand it--they're covered with bites by the time they come in. Only Tess went swimming last night, Chances stayed home while Jackson and Tess took a stroll. I ended up staying at home because my house cooled off enough to stay there and sleep under the covers after all. It was a really windy night with a nice cool breeze, very pleasant. I'm struggling to read our current book, The Botany of Desire. It's about the influence on people that certain plants have had and the influence on these plants that people have had. I like the premise, I'm just sort of struggling to get into it. It's about apples, tulips, marijuana and potatoes. I'm only on apples so far. Johnny Appleseed and his work in the 1800's in Ohio. a bit of a yawn.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Man is it a beautiful day! I just took my lawn mower to the repair guy in West Plattsburgh and the world is full of greens and blues--so green and blue! The trees are nearly full, just the hard maples are still red/pink and the beeches are still obscene green now. The sky is magnificent blue.
Glad to hear Kristen may actually be able to flush a toilet before nightfall (or is that hoping for too much?). How well I know the tricks of saving water. You wash the dishes in a gallon of water and save the dishwater to use for flushing the toilet. Wash your hair in 1/2 a gallon, save the water to flush with. Begrudge the dogs their drinking water ("Do you have to drink SO MUCH?"). Think of work as Toilet Haven. Wash your face there, brush your teeth there, make sure you pee before going home. Augh!
So on the way to work this morning I heard a bit on NPR about compulsive hoarders. Boy did that ring a bell. As someone who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, this really made me prick up my ears. When they started talking about people who saved boxes I really sat up straight. Yes, I used to really, really save boxes--all kinds. Now I'm much better (I should be, I take enough pills) but I still look longingly at the Perfect Box. I allow myself to save 2 shoe boxes at a time (they're very handy for something, I just don't know what) and I try really hard to burn any box that's too tempting. These people were really hoarders, though, they ended up hoarding their garbage. I cringed at the descriptions of them hoarding magazines to "read later." Yes, oh yes, I did that for a long time. I spent several hours last night going through old New Yorkers, actually reading articles and cutting out cartoons (I have a scrapbook I keep of things that strike my fancy, especially cartoons). Then I THREW THEM AWAY. I have conquered this part of my disorder. Other aspects of it, not so good am I at. But I think I do pretty well, all in all, especially when I compare my obsessions with those of my past. I still can't control as much of my behavior as I would like to, as much as other people can, but I do ok. Oh, how nice it would be to be like other people. It's like the incredible gift of hearing silence. I have tinnitus, have had it since I was a child. So did Henry. We used to talk about what it was like to always hear sound, never know what silence sounded like. I would love silence. Of course, I can't shut my brain down anyway, so what would the point in trying to hear silence be? I'd at least like a shot at it. Silence, that must be nice.
What a weekend I had. Friday night dinner was nice. Too much expensive food, ended up costing me $60 for what basically was a small steak while everyone else had lots of lamb, clams and shrimp. That's what happens when you have 2 bottles of wine and lots of appetizers in an American restaurant. But I paid for the company and enjoyed it all. Saturady was a beautiful day, absolutely beautiful--cool, but so pretty. It was the day of the Belmont, and everyone in America was hopeful we'd have history again. When we were kids, Molly and I would watch all three legs of the Triple Crown--this was back when we actually had Triple Crown winners. So I went to a party, not really a party, a gathering, at my friend Linda's camp, and we drank mint juleps (with cheap bourbon, a huge disappointment to me) and cheered Smarty Jones on. We got really excited right up to the end, then What's His Name pulled ahead and we shut off the tv in total disgust. Ken is convinced the race was crooked and the owner of the winning horse is a gangster. Who knows. Anyway, we had more wine and duck for dinner, another late night with lots of alcohol. Linda and Erdvilas drink a lot when they're in camp. Yesderday was a cold day but the black flies were fierce anyway. Linda hosted Sunday dinner--huge steaks cooked on a grill, the steaks she had shipped to Ken on dry ice for his birthday. More bourbon, but the good stuff this time. We had a nice visit, good time for everyone. I made the dessert. Something different this time: chocolate almond torte. I always make cheesecake, so that's what they expected. This time I ground up almonds and chocolate, added whipped egg yolks and melted butter, almond extract, sugar, whipped egg whites and baked it. I was sorely disappointed, not enough almond OR chocolate flavor, but everyone else loved it. Still searching for the perfect dessert I am. After dinner I didn't do my usual napping away the afternoon, no, I read old magazines and watched Law & Order--what a great way to spend a few hours! I loved it. I glued stuff in my scrapbook, something I'm way behind in doing. I've got the stuff saved, just haven't glued it into the book.
Ronald Reagan finally died. This means we get Friday off, it's a National Day of Mourning. Decent.
Glad to hear Kristen may actually be able to flush a toilet before nightfall (or is that hoping for too much?). How well I know the tricks of saving water. You wash the dishes in a gallon of water and save the dishwater to use for flushing the toilet. Wash your hair in 1/2 a gallon, save the water to flush with. Begrudge the dogs their drinking water ("Do you have to drink SO MUCH?"). Think of work as Toilet Haven. Wash your face there, brush your teeth there, make sure you pee before going home. Augh!
So on the way to work this morning I heard a bit on NPR about compulsive hoarders. Boy did that ring a bell. As someone who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, this really made me prick up my ears. When they started talking about people who saved boxes I really sat up straight. Yes, I used to really, really save boxes--all kinds. Now I'm much better (I should be, I take enough pills) but I still look longingly at the Perfect Box. I allow myself to save 2 shoe boxes at a time (they're very handy for something, I just don't know what) and I try really hard to burn any box that's too tempting. These people were really hoarders, though, they ended up hoarding their garbage. I cringed at the descriptions of them hoarding magazines to "read later." Yes, oh yes, I did that for a long time. I spent several hours last night going through old New Yorkers, actually reading articles and cutting out cartoons (I have a scrapbook I keep of things that strike my fancy, especially cartoons). Then I THREW THEM AWAY. I have conquered this part of my disorder. Other aspects of it, not so good am I at. But I think I do pretty well, all in all, especially when I compare my obsessions with those of my past. I still can't control as much of my behavior as I would like to, as much as other people can, but I do ok. Oh, how nice it would be to be like other people. It's like the incredible gift of hearing silence. I have tinnitus, have had it since I was a child. So did Henry. We used to talk about what it was like to always hear sound, never know what silence sounded like. I would love silence. Of course, I can't shut my brain down anyway, so what would the point in trying to hear silence be? I'd at least like a shot at it. Silence, that must be nice.
What a weekend I had. Friday night dinner was nice. Too much expensive food, ended up costing me $60 for what basically was a small steak while everyone else had lots of lamb, clams and shrimp. That's what happens when you have 2 bottles of wine and lots of appetizers in an American restaurant. But I paid for the company and enjoyed it all. Saturady was a beautiful day, absolutely beautiful--cool, but so pretty. It was the day of the Belmont, and everyone in America was hopeful we'd have history again. When we were kids, Molly and I would watch all three legs of the Triple Crown--this was back when we actually had Triple Crown winners. So I went to a party, not really a party, a gathering, at my friend Linda's camp, and we drank mint juleps (with cheap bourbon, a huge disappointment to me) and cheered Smarty Jones on. We got really excited right up to the end, then What's His Name pulled ahead and we shut off the tv in total disgust. Ken is convinced the race was crooked and the owner of the winning horse is a gangster. Who knows. Anyway, we had more wine and duck for dinner, another late night with lots of alcohol. Linda and Erdvilas drink a lot when they're in camp. Yesderday was a cold day but the black flies were fierce anyway. Linda hosted Sunday dinner--huge steaks cooked on a grill, the steaks she had shipped to Ken on dry ice for his birthday. More bourbon, but the good stuff this time. We had a nice visit, good time for everyone. I made the dessert. Something different this time: chocolate almond torte. I always make cheesecake, so that's what they expected. This time I ground up almonds and chocolate, added whipped egg yolks and melted butter, almond extract, sugar, whipped egg whites and baked it. I was sorely disappointed, not enough almond OR chocolate flavor, but everyone else loved it. Still searching for the perfect dessert I am. After dinner I didn't do my usual napping away the afternoon, no, I read old magazines and watched Law & Order--what a great way to spend a few hours! I loved it. I glued stuff in my scrapbook, something I'm way behind in doing. I've got the stuff saved, just haven't glued it into the book.
Ronald Reagan finally died. This means we get Friday off, it's a National Day of Mourning. Decent.
Friday, June 04, 2004
The sun is bright, the day is clear and 70--my idea of a perfect day. But today I'm at work, for the first full day all week. Weds. I had to go to a lunch meeting at the college, which turned out much better than I expected. I knew lots of the people there, including the agent from Cooperative Extension, who even remembered me (go figure). It's a great project we're working on, identifying community resources so we can all refer people to each other when informational needs arise. PBS station, cooperative ext., public, law, college and special libraries and a few token other agencies thrown in. It's a grant so we have deadlines and it's task/action driven. Thank goodnes my agency isn't doing it this time, we're just along for the ride. We're taking field trips to different agencies, too. yahoo! field trips! Arent' grown-ups funny, though.
Yesterday I stayed home. The dogs ran away the night before--Tess and Jack took of when I got home from Ken's, at 9:30, and didn't come back until 6:00 a.m. I didn't really freak out, but Chances did. I just took a pill and went to bed at 2, after driving around the "neighborhood" and calling them. There's no one in any of the camps so I don't know where they could have been. I decided someone, somewhere must have stolen them so I'd never see them again (although I must admit I was mystified as to why anyone would steal Jackson). Oddly enough I made peace with it. The drama wasn't as great for me, dealing with Henry's death has made dog drama so much less important to me. Anyway, at 5:30 I woke up and at 6 they appeared on the deck, wet and breathless. I felt crummy, blue and sad so I stayed home. Had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon anyway. So it rained most of the day, then the sun would come out, then it would get cold, then all of sudden it started to hail. Way cool! The sound on a tin roof of 1/4" hailstones is not to be believed. I loved it. The ground was covered in white but no damaged done to plants. It was great. After the doctor's I went to Walmart and bought 10 small geraniums for 75 cents apiece. How can you go wrong with that? The night before I'd bought a bunch at a new greenhouse but noticed I'd only bought a few reds, so I got 10 red ones. These are for the cemetery. Since Lin wasn't with me I got no ugly colors, really. She usually picks out the brightest, gaudiest colors and I put them on the graves of the ickiest uncles. This time I'm not sure who will get what colors. Guess I'm feeling more charitable about the dead.
I had a nice conversation with my psychiatrist about what the Jews believe about afterlife and the dead. "You mean you don't do good deeds so someething good will happen to you in the afterlife?" "No, you do good deeds to be good while you're alive, to improve life on the planet now." What a revolutionary concept. Maybe I was meant to be Jewish. We talked about the possiblity of the existence of an afterlife. I don't know, I like to think there's something of Henry still in existence, a spirit, but it's too hard for me to formalize into a concept. I'm afraid organized religion has really ruined me for any abstract thoughts on matters like this. Squashed my creative conceptualization skills.
Ken actually cooked part of dinner Wednesday night, a true treat for me. Then he actually, even more remarkable, turned off the television as I was getting ready to leave, and we had a nice, long conversation. It was delightful, relaxed and a really nice evening. I didn't get home until after 9 (just in time for the dogs to run off) but didn't mind a bit, since we'd really connected so nicely and the evening had been such a companionable experience. Maybe I gave off vibes that I needed that, who knows. I sort of collapsed at my friend Linda's house on Monday night, after a huge crowd of people left. Started talking about Henry, then before I knew it I was crying. It was really hard to be in camp with Jenica all the time over the weekend, thinking about Henry, wishing he were still alive and would be there sometime soon. I still just feel so sad.
Tonight I'm having dinner with Bill, Linda and that awful boyfriend of hers. Am I looking forward to this? Not particularly, but it's nice to socialize. Sometimes I feel I have an obligation to be with other people. You can't spend ALL your time by yourself, it's not healthy. If you want friends you have to do things they want to do. Plus, when I'm with friends I enjoy their company. I used to be a very sociable person, always craving the company of other people. Now I long for the solitude of my home in the evenings and on the weekend. There are certain people I really look forward to visiting with, but there's always an element of "socialization is creeping into my life." Seems strange for me to feel that way but sure is lucky, given where I live and how I live.
And poor Kristen had to go to the circus. I hate circuses and rodeos. Cruelty to animals, oh yes. When we were kids we went to every horse event that came along. My father was great at that (at least I think it was my father, could have been my mother, or us begging and cajoling to get it across). I can remember going to a small rodeo once and being disappointed because it seemed unkind to the animals. Now I really can't stand the thought of rodeos or circuses, but kids are entitled to experience witness these things for themselves, to draw their own conclusions. When they get older, then they can have some help seeing things, if they don't notice the shabiness of these small, traveling troupes. God they're awful. In RI when the Barnum & Bailey circus came to Providence they'd have the elephants parade down the street by the public library where I worked. OK, now THAT was cool. But then you always hear about the elephants who eventually kill their trainers--what does that tell you? And just exactly how do my dogs feel about me? I can't think Tess has anything but good feelings about me, why else would she insist on crawling under the covers and sleeping next to me? yuck.
Yesterday I stayed home. The dogs ran away the night before--Tess and Jack took of when I got home from Ken's, at 9:30, and didn't come back until 6:00 a.m. I didn't really freak out, but Chances did. I just took a pill and went to bed at 2, after driving around the "neighborhood" and calling them. There's no one in any of the camps so I don't know where they could have been. I decided someone, somewhere must have stolen them so I'd never see them again (although I must admit I was mystified as to why anyone would steal Jackson). Oddly enough I made peace with it. The drama wasn't as great for me, dealing with Henry's death has made dog drama so much less important to me. Anyway, at 5:30 I woke up and at 6 they appeared on the deck, wet and breathless. I felt crummy, blue and sad so I stayed home. Had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon anyway. So it rained most of the day, then the sun would come out, then it would get cold, then all of sudden it started to hail. Way cool! The sound on a tin roof of 1/4" hailstones is not to be believed. I loved it. The ground was covered in white but no damaged done to plants. It was great. After the doctor's I went to Walmart and bought 10 small geraniums for 75 cents apiece. How can you go wrong with that? The night before I'd bought a bunch at a new greenhouse but noticed I'd only bought a few reds, so I got 10 red ones. These are for the cemetery. Since Lin wasn't with me I got no ugly colors, really. She usually picks out the brightest, gaudiest colors and I put them on the graves of the ickiest uncles. This time I'm not sure who will get what colors. Guess I'm feeling more charitable about the dead.
I had a nice conversation with my psychiatrist about what the Jews believe about afterlife and the dead. "You mean you don't do good deeds so someething good will happen to you in the afterlife?" "No, you do good deeds to be good while you're alive, to improve life on the planet now." What a revolutionary concept. Maybe I was meant to be Jewish. We talked about the possiblity of the existence of an afterlife. I don't know, I like to think there's something of Henry still in existence, a spirit, but it's too hard for me to formalize into a concept. I'm afraid organized religion has really ruined me for any abstract thoughts on matters like this. Squashed my creative conceptualization skills.
Ken actually cooked part of dinner Wednesday night, a true treat for me. Then he actually, even more remarkable, turned off the television as I was getting ready to leave, and we had a nice, long conversation. It was delightful, relaxed and a really nice evening. I didn't get home until after 9 (just in time for the dogs to run off) but didn't mind a bit, since we'd really connected so nicely and the evening had been such a companionable experience. Maybe I gave off vibes that I needed that, who knows. I sort of collapsed at my friend Linda's house on Monday night, after a huge crowd of people left. Started talking about Henry, then before I knew it I was crying. It was really hard to be in camp with Jenica all the time over the weekend, thinking about Henry, wishing he were still alive and would be there sometime soon. I still just feel so sad.
Tonight I'm having dinner with Bill, Linda and that awful boyfriend of hers. Am I looking forward to this? Not particularly, but it's nice to socialize. Sometimes I feel I have an obligation to be with other people. You can't spend ALL your time by yourself, it's not healthy. If you want friends you have to do things they want to do. Plus, when I'm with friends I enjoy their company. I used to be a very sociable person, always craving the company of other people. Now I long for the solitude of my home in the evenings and on the weekend. There are certain people I really look forward to visiting with, but there's always an element of "socialization is creeping into my life." Seems strange for me to feel that way but sure is lucky, given where I live and how I live.
And poor Kristen had to go to the circus. I hate circuses and rodeos. Cruelty to animals, oh yes. When we were kids we went to every horse event that came along. My father was great at that (at least I think it was my father, could have been my mother, or us begging and cajoling to get it across). I can remember going to a small rodeo once and being disappointed because it seemed unkind to the animals. Now I really can't stand the thought of rodeos or circuses, but kids are entitled to experience witness these things for themselves, to draw their own conclusions. When they get older, then they can have some help seeing things, if they don't notice the shabiness of these small, traveling troupes. God they're awful. In RI when the Barnum & Bailey circus came to Providence they'd have the elephants parade down the street by the public library where I worked. OK, now THAT was cool. But then you always hear about the elephants who eventually kill their trainers--what does that tell you? And just exactly how do my dogs feel about me? I can't think Tess has anything but good feelings about me, why else would she insist on crawling under the covers and sleeping next to me? yuck.
The sun is bright, the day is clear and 70--my idea of a perfect day. But today I'm at work, for the first full day all week. Weds. I had to go to a lunch meeting at the college, which turned out much better than I expected. I knew lots of the people there, including the agent from Cooperative Extension, who even remembered me (go figure). It's a great project we're working on, identifying community resources so we can all refer people to each other when informational needs arise. PBS station, cooperative ext., public, law, college and special libraries and a few token other agencies thrown in. It's a grant so we have deadlines and it's task/action driven. Thank goodnes my agency isn't doing it this time, we're just along for the ride. We're taking field trips to different agencies, too. yahoo! field trips! Arent' grown-ups funny, though.
Yesterday I stayed home. The dogs ran away the night before--Tess and Jack took of when I got home from Ken's, at 9:30, and didn't come back until 6:00 a.m. I didn't really freak out, but Chances did. I just took a pill and went to bed at 2, after driving around the "neighborhood" and calling them. There's no one in any of the camps so I don't know where they could have been. I decided someone, somewhere must have stolen them so I'd never see them again (although I must admit I was mystified as to why anyone would steal Jackson). Oddly enough I made peace with it. The drama wasn't as great for me, dealing with Henry's death has made dog drama so much less important to me. Anyway, at 5:30 I woke up and at 6 they appeared on the deck, wet and breathless. I felt crummy, blue and sad so I stayed home. Had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon anyway. So it rained most of the day, then the sun would come out, then it would get cold, then all of sudden it started to hail. Way cool! The sound on a tin roof of 1/4" hailstones is not to be believed. I loved it. The ground was covered in white but no damaged done to plants. It was great. After the doctor's I went to Walmart and bought 10 small geraniums for 75 cents apiece. How can you go wrong with that? The night before I'd bought a bunch at a new greenhouse but noticed I'd only bought a few reds, so I got 10 red ones. These are for the cemetery. Since Lin wasn't with me I got no ugly colors, really. She usually picks out the brightest, gaudiest colors and I put them on the graves of the ickiest uncles. This time I'm not sure who will get what colors. Guess I'm feeling more charitable about the dead.
I had a nice conversation with my psychiatrist about what the Jews believe about afterlife and the dead. "You mean you don't do good deeds so someething good will happen to you in the afterlife?" "No, you do good deeds to be good while you're alive, to improve life on the planet now." What a revolutionary concept. Maybe I was meant to be Jewish. We talked about the possiblity of the existence of an afterlife. I don't know, I like to think there's something of Henry still in existence, a spirit, but it's too hard for me to formalize into a concept. I'm afraid organized religion has really ruined me for any abstract thoughts on matters like this. Squashed my creative conceptualization skills.
Ken actually cooked part of dinner Wednesday night, a true treat for me. Then he actually, even more remarkable, turned off the television as I was getting ready to leave, and we had a nice, long conversation. It was delightful, relaxed and a really nice evening. I didn't get home until after 9 (just in time for the dogs to run off) but didn't mind a bit, since we'd really connected so nicely and the evening had been such a companionable experience. Maybe I gave off vibes that I needed that, who knows. I sort of collapsed at my friend Linda's house on Monday night, after a huge crowd of people left. Started talking about Henry, then before I knew it I was crying. It was really hard to be in camp with Jenica all the time over the weekend, thinking about Henry, wishing he were still alive and would be there sometime soon. I still just feel so sad.
Tonight I'm having dinner with Bill, Linda and that awful boyfriend of hers. Am I looking forward to this? Not particularly, but it's nice to socialize. Sometimes I feel I have an obligation to be with other people. You can't spend ALL your time by yourself, it's not healthy. If you want friends you have to do things they want to do. Plus, when I'm with friends I enjoy their company. I used to be a very sociable person, always craving the company of other people. Now I long for the solitude of my home in the evenings and on the weekend. There are certain people I really look forward to visiting with, but there's always an element of "socialization is creeping into my life." Seems strange for me to feel that way but sure is lucky, given where I live and how I live.
And poor Kristen had to go to the circus. I hate circuses and rodeos. Cruelty to animals, oh yes. When we were kids we went to every horse event that came along. My father was great at that (at least I think it was my father, could have been my mother, or us begging and cajoling to get it across). I can remember going to a small rodeo once and being disappointed because it seemed unkind to the animals. Now I really can't stand the thought of rodeos or circuses, but kids are entitled to experience witness these things for themselves, to draw their own conclusions. When they get older, then they can have some help seeing things, if they don't notice the shabiness of these small, traveling troupes. God they're awful. In RI when the Barnum & Bailey circus came to Providence they'd have the elephants parade down the street by the public library where I worked. OK, now THAT was cool. But then you always hear about the elephants who eventually kill their trainers--what does that tell you? And just exactly how do my dogs feel about me? I can't think Tess has anything but good feelings about me, why else would she insist on crawling under the covers and sleeping next to me? yuck.
Yesterday I stayed home. The dogs ran away the night before--Tess and Jack took of when I got home from Ken's, at 9:30, and didn't come back until 6:00 a.m. I didn't really freak out, but Chances did. I just took a pill and went to bed at 2, after driving around the "neighborhood" and calling them. There's no one in any of the camps so I don't know where they could have been. I decided someone, somewhere must have stolen them so I'd never see them again (although I must admit I was mystified as to why anyone would steal Jackson). Oddly enough I made peace with it. The drama wasn't as great for me, dealing with Henry's death has made dog drama so much less important to me. Anyway, at 5:30 I woke up and at 6 they appeared on the deck, wet and breathless. I felt crummy, blue and sad so I stayed home. Had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon anyway. So it rained most of the day, then the sun would come out, then it would get cold, then all of sudden it started to hail. Way cool! The sound on a tin roof of 1/4" hailstones is not to be believed. I loved it. The ground was covered in white but no damaged done to plants. It was great. After the doctor's I went to Walmart and bought 10 small geraniums for 75 cents apiece. How can you go wrong with that? The night before I'd bought a bunch at a new greenhouse but noticed I'd only bought a few reds, so I got 10 red ones. These are for the cemetery. Since Lin wasn't with me I got no ugly colors, really. She usually picks out the brightest, gaudiest colors and I put them on the graves of the ickiest uncles. This time I'm not sure who will get what colors. Guess I'm feeling more charitable about the dead.
I had a nice conversation with my psychiatrist about what the Jews believe about afterlife and the dead. "You mean you don't do good deeds so someething good will happen to you in the afterlife?" "No, you do good deeds to be good while you're alive, to improve life on the planet now." What a revolutionary concept. Maybe I was meant to be Jewish. We talked about the possiblity of the existence of an afterlife. I don't know, I like to think there's something of Henry still in existence, a spirit, but it's too hard for me to formalize into a concept. I'm afraid organized religion has really ruined me for any abstract thoughts on matters like this. Squashed my creative conceptualization skills.
Ken actually cooked part of dinner Wednesday night, a true treat for me. Then he actually, even more remarkable, turned off the television as I was getting ready to leave, and we had a nice, long conversation. It was delightful, relaxed and a really nice evening. I didn't get home until after 9 (just in time for the dogs to run off) but didn't mind a bit, since we'd really connected so nicely and the evening had been such a companionable experience. Maybe I gave off vibes that I needed that, who knows. I sort of collapsed at my friend Linda's house on Monday night, after a huge crowd of people left. Started talking about Henry, then before I knew it I was crying. It was really hard to be in camp with Jenica all the time over the weekend, thinking about Henry, wishing he were still alive and would be there sometime soon. I still just feel so sad.
Tonight I'm having dinner with Bill, Linda and that awful boyfriend of hers. Am I looking forward to this? Not particularly, but it's nice to socialize. Sometimes I feel I have an obligation to be with other people. You can't spend ALL your time by yourself, it's not healthy. If you want friends you have to do things they want to do. Plus, when I'm with friends I enjoy their company. I used to be a very sociable person, always craving the company of other people. Now I long for the solitude of my home in the evenings and on the weekend. There are certain people I really look forward to visiting with, but there's always an element of "socialization is creeping into my life." Seems strange for me to feel that way but sure is lucky, given where I live and how I live.
And poor Kristen had to go to the circus. I hate circuses and rodeos. Cruelty to animals, oh yes. When we were kids we went to every horse event that came along. My father was great at that (at least I think it was my father, could have been my mother, or us begging and cajoling to get it across). I can remember going to a small rodeo once and being disappointed because it seemed unkind to the animals. Now I really can't stand the thought of rodeos or circuses, but kids are entitled to experience witness these things for themselves, to draw their own conclusions. When they get older, then they can have some help seeing things, if they don't notice the shabiness of these small, traveling troupes. God they're awful. In RI when the Barnum & Bailey circus came to Providence they'd have the elephants parade down the street by the public library where I worked. OK, now THAT was cool. But then you always hear about the elephants who eventually kill their trainers--what does that tell you? And just exactly how do my dogs feel about me? I can't think Tess has anything but good feelings about me, why else would she insist on crawling under the covers and sleeping next to me? yuck.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
I haven't gone to the monument company yet to see about Henry's headstone. I didn't feel like doing it yesterday but will do it one afternoon this week. Guess that means either tomorrow or Friday. Friday is supposed to be sunny and warm so maybe I'll leave work early and do it then. They're only open until 3. I'll scope it out then, find out cost, options, time frame, etc. and will report back to everyone after that. OK, now I'm made a commitment and must follow through with this. I've been putting it off.
Back to work, back to work. Since I haven't really DONE any work since I got here, I can't really say I'm back. So far I've read everyone's blogs and paid some bills, had a meeting and drank some coffee. Now I'm moving on to Diet Coke and getting ready for a kick-off luncheon I have to go to in the director's place. I don't know much about this luncheon--it's to kick off a grant for community resources and apparently we're a community resource. You're supposed to bring a listing of the resources that you offer. We don't have a listing--no brochure, no publicity, nothing like that. Just a web page (cefls.org, in case anyone's interested), so I'll show up empty-handed and be woefully inadequate and probably embarrass myself. Again. All I really want to do is some work, like clear off my desk to make a spot where I could actually do some work. But at least it's Wednesday.
Last night I came into town to do some grocery shopping. I got the check for my stock, and I love to shop for food when I actually have money to spend. It's such a luxury--buy whatever you want to buy: dog food in the BIG bag, 3 big boxes of soda, 2 boxes of Cheerios to stock up, stupid stuff, I know, but it feels good to be ahead of the game in the pantry. I always want to have food in the pantry, it's part of the "I live in the woods and you never know" way of life you never get away from where I live.
I had a long, long phone conversation with Liza yesterday afternoon. She's very sad. Her grief mechanism is not really anger, it's just a way of not being nice. She admits that, which is pretty funny "I don't feel like being nice." I told her we would always be all right with each other. I'm certainly not going to jeopardize my relationship with my mother or risk losing her at this point in my life. I have too few members of my family left as it is. Anyway, she's pretty blue and the weather has been a contributing factor, too much rain and gray skies. I think I cheered her and will try calling again later in the week. Wait, there isn't much later in the week, it's already Weds. Well, over the weekend I'll certainly call again. She doesn't read the blogs and checks her email infrequently but I think we've all been calling her. Maybe we could keep calling her frequently. She at least is admitting that she feels very sad because her son died, something she hasn't always done. She's been gardening a lot, shovelling the horse shit they had delivered, which makes her feel pretty good. She and Mark went to the cemetery in Leicester to put geraniums on David, Betty, Grannie and Nonnie's graves. Since she usually has to do this alone it was really great to have Mark go along.
My union rep reports that CEF's attorney called to say they're reporting to the board at the June board meeting what our proposal is and will see what the board recommends so we won't know whether they accept it or not until the end of the month. At least they haven't rejected it. I don't know for sure what the board will do but I sort of think they'll accept it in the spirit of negotiating things. If they reject it they look bad. It gives us 5 days without pay instead of 10 days without pay, which was what they were saying we should have this year because there are 27 pay periods--it's really complicated and convoluted and the whole thing came up because they didn't see it coming last year or the year before and plan ahead. It's a leap year, and this sort of thing happens every 11 years or so when the number of days finally adds up so that there is an extra 2 week period in the payroll cycle. Last time this happened they ignored it and just payed us 27 times, as most agencies are doing this year. But it looks as if management didn't plan ahead if they do that, so they want to pay us only 26 times this year, like, not pay us for the last 2 weeks in December. That's what we're negotiating about right now, that's what the whole fight is over.
I'm really excited about the trip to Wisc. Can't believe it's 2 weeks away. I really thought Molly was going to be there longer so that she'd have time alone with Kristen, so I feel badly that I'm not leaving them any time alone together, but I have to read this book for my book group so I'll spend plenty of time by myself, leaving them together. I planned my ticket so carefully around the dates I THOUGHT Molly was going to be there. Duh. Goofed again. The book I'm reading this time is The Botany of Desire. It's the history of 4 plants: tomaotes, potatoes, tulips and marijuana, and how they have changed during their history and what influence humankind has had on them and they have had on humankind. Once again it's a book I suggested. Well, heck--no one else seems to suggest any books so it always comes back to me, the librarian to come up with something. This is a book Bill read a couple of years ago and loved, so he gave it to me for Christmas and I never read it. Good excuse for me to read it now. I feel as if this group is turning into my own private agenda for reading and I don't really like that, but they seem to agree with my choices and no one offers any other ideas. Help!
OK, almost time for lunch now. Lunch starts at 11:30, as if I wanted to eat a big meal then, when I hardly ever eat lunch at all. Unless I'm sitting on the big rock at the boat house with my dogs and my niece in the sun.
Last night I came into town to do some grocery shopping. I got the check for my stock, and I love to shop for food when I actually have money to spend. It's such a luxury--buy whatever you want to buy: dog food in the BIG bag, 3 big boxes of soda, 2 boxes of Cheerios to stock up, stupid stuff, I know, but it feels good to be ahead of the game in the pantry. I always want to have food in the pantry, it's part of the "I live in the woods and you never know" way of life you never get away from where I live.
I had a long, long phone conversation with Liza yesterday afternoon. She's very sad. Her grief mechanism is not really anger, it's just a way of not being nice. She admits that, which is pretty funny "I don't feel like being nice." I told her we would always be all right with each other. I'm certainly not going to jeopardize my relationship with my mother or risk losing her at this point in my life. I have too few members of my family left as it is. Anyway, she's pretty blue and the weather has been a contributing factor, too much rain and gray skies. I think I cheered her and will try calling again later in the week. Wait, there isn't much later in the week, it's already Weds. Well, over the weekend I'll certainly call again. She doesn't read the blogs and checks her email infrequently but I think we've all been calling her. Maybe we could keep calling her frequently. She at least is admitting that she feels very sad because her son died, something she hasn't always done. She's been gardening a lot, shovelling the horse shit they had delivered, which makes her feel pretty good. She and Mark went to the cemetery in Leicester to put geraniums on David, Betty, Grannie and Nonnie's graves. Since she usually has to do this alone it was really great to have Mark go along.
My union rep reports that CEF's attorney called to say they're reporting to the board at the June board meeting what our proposal is and will see what the board recommends so we won't know whether they accept it or not until the end of the month. At least they haven't rejected it. I don't know for sure what the board will do but I sort of think they'll accept it in the spirit of negotiating things. If they reject it they look bad. It gives us 5 days without pay instead of 10 days without pay, which was what they were saying we should have this year because there are 27 pay periods--it's really complicated and convoluted and the whole thing came up because they didn't see it coming last year or the year before and plan ahead. It's a leap year, and this sort of thing happens every 11 years or so when the number of days finally adds up so that there is an extra 2 week period in the payroll cycle. Last time this happened they ignored it and just payed us 27 times, as most agencies are doing this year. But it looks as if management didn't plan ahead if they do that, so they want to pay us only 26 times this year, like, not pay us for the last 2 weeks in December. That's what we're negotiating about right now, that's what the whole fight is over.
I'm really excited about the trip to Wisc. Can't believe it's 2 weeks away. I really thought Molly was going to be there longer so that she'd have time alone with Kristen, so I feel badly that I'm not leaving them any time alone together, but I have to read this book for my book group so I'll spend plenty of time by myself, leaving them together. I planned my ticket so carefully around the dates I THOUGHT Molly was going to be there. Duh. Goofed again. The book I'm reading this time is The Botany of Desire. It's the history of 4 plants: tomaotes, potatoes, tulips and marijuana, and how they have changed during their history and what influence humankind has had on them and they have had on humankind. Once again it's a book I suggested. Well, heck--no one else seems to suggest any books so it always comes back to me, the librarian to come up with something. This is a book Bill read a couple of years ago and loved, so he gave it to me for Christmas and I never read it. Good excuse for me to read it now. I feel as if this group is turning into my own private agenda for reading and I don't really like that, but they seem to agree with my choices and no one offers any other ideas. Help!
OK, almost time for lunch now. Lunch starts at 11:30, as if I wanted to eat a big meal then, when I hardly ever eat lunch at all. Unless I'm sitting on the big rock at the boat house with my dogs and my niece in the sun.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Rainy day, I'm off from work today, the last leg of my 5 day break. It's 55 out, not conducive to much of anything productive. After Jenica left yesterday I weeded and planted in one bed and got quite a bit done until I couldn't stand the bugs for another minute. Only got 2/3 of that garden set--I really have a short attention span, it's a curse, I tell you. Combination of being bipolar and a video kid. I was sure I'd finish it today but it's cold and yucky and I just don't feel like being outside right now. The dogs are all curled up and snoring--being with Jenica wore them out with love. They adore her (and so do I). At one point yesterday (was it only yesterday?) I was lying in the warm, warm sun next to the water, on the big rock by the boat house. On one side was Tess My Sweet, on the other was Chances, next to her was Jenica. Chances had a smile on her face, lying next to Jenica. I said "I'm in hog heave, lying here with my three girls." We really had a grand weekend. Nothing but sun, boat house, dogs and fun. It was very sad for me to open camp, thinking of Henry the whole time, but it was great to get it done, get beds made, set to stay there. It was 34 on Saturday night so we didn't stay there, and 31 Sunday night so we didn't stay there, but the days were sunny and the lake was beautiful. We sat on my deck in the mornings for a bit, then had picnic lunches on the big rock at the boat house and enjoyed the lapping of the water and read/dozed/chatted in the sun. Cold wind on Saturday so we moved indoors and huddled under blankets until we were thoroughly chilled and finally rushed home to my house, where I'd had the heat on all day and it was warm. I actually lit a fire in the stove as well. I didn't cover my plants but brought in some of the most tender ones. Linda and Erdvilas drove through Tupper Lake on their way here and said the municipal plantings had all been covered with people's sheets to protect them from the predicted frost and looked really funny, all different colored and patterened sheets. Me, I live dangerously, close to the edge, and covered nothing. No loses, though.
I've planted lots of flowers but need to buy more, plant more, plus get my cukes and tomatoes. Buy more! Plant more! Keep going until I can't stand it for another minute!
What we discovered this weekend: Tess loves to swim. She discovered she's a water dog, a true water dog. She goes in the water and swims a bit frenetically but swims with joy, then comes out, wags and wags her tail, shakes, runs into the woods, comes back out and goes back into the water and repeats the exercise. Jackson, who was reported to me to love, love, love the water, was not at all enthusiastic about going in the water but splashed in the boat slip. The lake is high and water is up to the shelf in the slip right now. So Jenica and the dogs are the only ones who have been swimming so far this year. Me, I rinsed my hands in the water and that's it.
Last night I went to my friend Linda's camp to see her for the first time of the season. There was a crowd there, Bill and two students who'd been helping him open his camp, his cousin Joe and his wife plus son and daughter-in-law, and of course Erdvilas the Evil and the 4 pugs. I stayed too late, having a nice visit with Linda. I had a nice visit with Joe and his son because Erdvilas was lecturing Joe's daughter-in-law on the principles of photography for at least an hour (bless Brooke, she was very polite and listened, or pretended to listen). I'll see Linda a few more times this week. We'll go out to dinner at the restaurant they like to go to in Wilmington, she'll cook for Ken and me, then we'll have Sunday dinner together. It's fun to have things pick up right where they left off in October, the last time we saw each other. One season melds into the next year. Of course, the husband of one of our friends died during the winter, she owns a camp next to Linda's. She went to a psychic to talk to him after he died, and spoke to her long-dead son as well (they "came forward" to her, she wrote to Linda). hmmmmm.
I've dreamt of Henry twice over the weekend. Once he had a terminal illness, the second time he was helping Liza and then showed me how to help her. Jeez, not too obvious, that one. He's been so much on my mind, spending all those hours at camp. Jenica had a great time together, saying the same thing at the same time, something we always do when we're together. And of course she looks so much like him. It's nice to be with someone to talk about him with, I feel lucky to be near enough to her geographically (and of course emotionally) to have this be possible. Camp is a sad place since his death, but camp will always be camp, our home and haven, and a beautiful place to be. The lake is blue, the sky is huge and wide and the mountains right now are many shades of green and are just beautiful.
I've planted lots of flowers but need to buy more, plant more, plus get my cukes and tomatoes. Buy more! Plant more! Keep going until I can't stand it for another minute!
What we discovered this weekend: Tess loves to swim. She discovered she's a water dog, a true water dog. She goes in the water and swims a bit frenetically but swims with joy, then comes out, wags and wags her tail, shakes, runs into the woods, comes back out and goes back into the water and repeats the exercise. Jackson, who was reported to me to love, love, love the water, was not at all enthusiastic about going in the water but splashed in the boat slip. The lake is high and water is up to the shelf in the slip right now. So Jenica and the dogs are the only ones who have been swimming so far this year. Me, I rinsed my hands in the water and that's it.
Last night I went to my friend Linda's camp to see her for the first time of the season. There was a crowd there, Bill and two students who'd been helping him open his camp, his cousin Joe and his wife plus son and daughter-in-law, and of course Erdvilas the Evil and the 4 pugs. I stayed too late, having a nice visit with Linda. I had a nice visit with Joe and his son because Erdvilas was lecturing Joe's daughter-in-law on the principles of photography for at least an hour (bless Brooke, she was very polite and listened, or pretended to listen). I'll see Linda a few more times this week. We'll go out to dinner at the restaurant they like to go to in Wilmington, she'll cook for Ken and me, then we'll have Sunday dinner together. It's fun to have things pick up right where they left off in October, the last time we saw each other. One season melds into the next year. Of course, the husband of one of our friends died during the winter, she owns a camp next to Linda's. She went to a psychic to talk to him after he died, and spoke to her long-dead son as well (they "came forward" to her, she wrote to Linda). hmmmmm.
I've dreamt of Henry twice over the weekend. Once he had a terminal illness, the second time he was helping Liza and then showed me how to help her. Jeez, not too obvious, that one. He's been so much on my mind, spending all those hours at camp. Jenica had a great time together, saying the same thing at the same time, something we always do when we're together. And of course she looks so much like him. It's nice to be with someone to talk about him with, I feel lucky to be near enough to her geographically (and of course emotionally) to have this be possible. Camp is a sad place since his death, but camp will always be camp, our home and haven, and a beautiful place to be. The lake is blue, the sky is huge and wide and the mountains right now are many shades of green and are just beautiful.
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