The sun is bright, the day is clear and 70--my idea of a perfect day. But today I'm at work, for the first full day all week. Weds. I had to go to a lunch meeting at the college, which turned out much better than I expected. I knew lots of the people there, including the agent from Cooperative Extension, who even remembered me (go figure). It's a great project we're working on, identifying community resources so we can all refer people to each other when informational needs arise. PBS station, cooperative ext., public, law, college and special libraries and a few token other agencies thrown in. It's a grant so we have deadlines and it's task/action driven. Thank goodnes my agency isn't doing it this time, we're just along for the ride. We're taking field trips to different agencies, too. yahoo! field trips! Arent' grown-ups funny, though.

Yesterday I stayed home. The dogs ran away the night before--Tess and Jack took of when I got home from Ken's, at 9:30, and didn't come back until 6:00 a.m. I didn't really freak out, but Chances did. I just took a pill and went to bed at 2, after driving around the "neighborhood" and calling them. There's no one in any of the camps so I don't know where they could have been. I decided someone, somewhere must have stolen them so I'd never see them again (although I must admit I was mystified as to why anyone would steal Jackson). Oddly enough I made peace with it. The drama wasn't as great for me, dealing with Henry's death has made dog drama so much less important to me. Anyway, at 5:30 I woke up and at 6 they appeared on the deck, wet and breathless. I felt crummy, blue and sad so I stayed home. Had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon anyway. So it rained most of the day, then the sun would come out, then it would get cold, then all of sudden it started to hail. Way cool! The sound on a tin roof of 1/4" hailstones is not to be believed. I loved it. The ground was covered in white but no damaged done to plants. It was great. After the doctor's I went to Walmart and bought 10 small geraniums for 75 cents apiece. How can you go wrong with that? The night before I'd bought a bunch at a new greenhouse but noticed I'd only bought a few reds, so I got 10 red ones. These are for the cemetery. Since Lin wasn't with me I got no ugly colors, really. She usually picks out the brightest, gaudiest colors and I put them on the graves of the ickiest uncles. This time I'm not sure who will get what colors. Guess I'm feeling more charitable about the dead.

I had a nice conversation with my psychiatrist about what the Jews believe about afterlife and the dead. "You mean you don't do good deeds so someething good will happen to you in the afterlife?" "No, you do good deeds to be good while you're alive, to improve life on the planet now." What a revolutionary concept. Maybe I was meant to be Jewish. We talked about the possiblity of the existence of an afterlife. I don't know, I like to think there's something of Henry still in existence, a spirit, but it's too hard for me to formalize into a concept. I'm afraid organized religion has really ruined me for any abstract thoughts on matters like this. Squashed my creative conceptualization skills.

Ken actually cooked part of dinner Wednesday night, a true treat for me. Then he actually, even more remarkable, turned off the television as I was getting ready to leave, and we had a nice, long conversation. It was delightful, relaxed and a really nice evening. I didn't get home until after 9 (just in time for the dogs to run off) but didn't mind a bit, since we'd really connected so nicely and the evening had been such a companionable experience. Maybe I gave off vibes that I needed that, who knows. I sort of collapsed at my friend Linda's house on Monday night, after a huge crowd of people left. Started talking about Henry, then before I knew it I was crying. It was really hard to be in camp with Jenica all the time over the weekend, thinking about Henry, wishing he were still alive and would be there sometime soon. I still just feel so sad.

Tonight I'm having dinner with Bill, Linda and that awful boyfriend of hers. Am I looking forward to this? Not particularly, but it's nice to socialize. Sometimes I feel I have an obligation to be with other people. You can't spend ALL your time by yourself, it's not healthy. If you want friends you have to do things they want to do. Plus, when I'm with friends I enjoy their company. I used to be a very sociable person, always craving the company of other people. Now I long for the solitude of my home in the evenings and on the weekend. There are certain people I really look forward to visiting with, but there's always an element of "socialization is creeping into my life." Seems strange for me to feel that way but sure is lucky, given where I live and how I live.

And poor Kristen had to go to the circus. I hate circuses and rodeos. Cruelty to animals, oh yes. When we were kids we went to every horse event that came along. My father was great at that (at least I think it was my father, could have been my mother, or us begging and cajoling to get it across). I can remember going to a small rodeo once and being disappointed because it seemed unkind to the animals. Now I really can't stand the thought of rodeos or circuses, but kids are entitled to experience witness these things for themselves, to draw their own conclusions. When they get older, then they can have some help seeing things, if they don't notice the shabiness of these small, traveling troupes. God they're awful. In RI when the Barnum & Bailey circus came to Providence they'd have the elephants parade down the street by the public library where I worked. OK, now THAT was cool. But then you always hear about the elephants who eventually kill their trainers--what does that tell you? And just exactly how do my dogs feel about me? I can't think Tess has anything but good feelings about me, why else would she insist on crawling under the covers and sleeping next to me? yuck.