I just finished a marathon meeting, 3 hours long, the last 20 minutes of which was spent with the director conjecturing about what we could raffle off to the staff to get them to raise money for a new bookmobile. I started to go to sleep. We were all looking at each other with pained expressions on our faces: has she gone completely mad?

My weekend was good, a combination of nice, easy, enjoyable time and driving dog marathon and sleeping dysfunctional blob. Saturday I had a vet's appointment for Jackson on Westport (an hour away) so I took all three dogs for the ride. The appointment cost me $45 and was more like therapy. I took a urine sample, discovered there's nothing wrong with him. David said it sounds as if his peeing is territorial--there's something outside that's making him feel threatened and makes him feel a need to prove that the house is his territory. This is one big reason I don't like male dogs. There is something out there, the girls bark long and loudly when I leave them out. Last night I was up late and heard something that sounded like a bobcat, but that could have been my imagination. or not. Anyway, after Westport I went to Port Douglas to feed Julie's 6 cats while she and Kevin were in northern Canada camping in the wilderness. Then to the grocery store for last-minute supplies, then to the cemetery to pick up the pots an clean up Henry's gravestone and stare at it a bit. Then to Linda's to say hello and firm up plans for the evening. Then home, 5 hours and 100 miles after I started. The foliage is now spectacular, peaking this weekend. The colors are amazing and brilliant, bright oranges and yellows with a few reds. Truly beautiful.

Saturday night I had my cocktail party on the boat house porch. Erdvilas was the bartender, after saying he couldn't do it because he injured his back (of course he injured himself--he always injures himself when he comes here, that way he can't do any work). When it came down to it he couldn't have anyone else tend bar, though, so he did a superb job. Record crowd this year, 13 I think--the porch was full, SRO, all chairs full. The view was amazing, everyone drank and ate a lot and had a wonderful time. It was really warm, so different from the year we all bundled up and I served hot cider. It was 60 out and the far shore just glowed from the leaves. We had a great time. I love those people. After the party we went to Linda's for Thanksgiving dinner, turkey with all the trimmings. Our usual evening. People wanted to know where Jenica was and were sure she had been there for the past two years. I went home and was unable to sleep, finally taking a pill and getting to bed at 3. This is not good.

Sunday I got up late and spent the day mournfully on the couch, watching tv and dozing. A totally wasted day. I was pretty much miserable and miserable with myself for succumbing to it. I had high hopes for a productive weekend, long list of things to accomplish. The weather wasn't bad but it was cool and I couldn't get the house warm. Didn't matter, I really didn't get up until nearly 3 in the afternoon. Truly I hate that. I had dinner with Annie, her brother and their mother. That was nice. They had been at my party, rookies to the event, and had really enjoyed it. We had a nice evening together. Rush wasn't here, he's busying campaigning. She said it looks pretty good for his reelection, although sometimes she wishes it didn't look so good and she'd have a husband instead of a Congressman. She's awfully good about it. That night I slept better, felt better, was more normal.

Yesterday I got up at a normal hour and had a productive day. It was cold, only up to 43 all day. The house was 58 until I built a fire in the stove, then I got it up to 70. I cleaned the bathroom, tidied the living room, painted the coffee table (again), went to the boat house to retrieve my liquor, looked over my bills (groan) and did a few other productive-type things. Amazing what a difference a day makes. I went to Linda's around 4:30 and spent the evening with them, in front of their fireplace with 4 pugs and Chances, sipping bourbon and eating leftover turkey. We had a really nice time. At one point E. went outside for a walk (god knows why but he claimed it was because he couldn't stand the music we were going to play) and we listened to a bunch of 45's that Linda had bought for $1 each. Steve Miller Band, Ferry Cross the Mersy, Hang on Sloopy, Under the Boardwalk--just a fine bunch of stuff, we thought. It was really a nice evening, the kind of time that Linda and I have built our relationship on and love to share. He mixed us after-dinner drinks that were layered, his forte, and we visited a bit before I went on to Ken's to deliver some turkey soup and say hello to him.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, only got about 3 1/2 hours sleep finally, and that was fitful. By the time I realized I couldn't sleep it was too late to take a pill because I knew I'd have to wake up soon. This sleeping pattern sucks, but I'll get it straightened out. Meanwhile, I had my bed turned on to high and Tess was under the covers heating it up even hotter, which certainly didn't help things AT ALL. It was so hot. Then she woke up when I turned the light on and crawled out from under the covers to sleep halfway on top of me. What's with her? She has to be in contact with my body at all times while sleeping these days. Maybe that's her version of Jackson's peeing. I like it but the other night while I slept on the couch I woke with a terrible sinus headache because she'd been sleeping on my head.

So anyway I started reading The Greenlanders, the book our group is reading this month. What an undertaking. So many Scandinavian names! So man characters! So much death! But it's good. I'm not sure how far I'll get by our meeting, it's 500 pages after all and I just started it. I'll do my best. It's interesting, life in Greenland in probably the 1600's, something like that.

I stacked not a stick of firewood all weekend, but am planning to stay home tomorrow and commence stacking. I stacked Friday night and am in pretty good shape, confident that I will get it all in the woodshed soon. I'm burning the wood I bought in June and stacked in July. It seems fairly dry, not completely but at least it burns.

Molly send me an encouraging and supportive email. I am having a hard time and I am pretty aimless right now. Who knows why, and who knows what would help. I mourn specifically, then once in a while I just feel generally sad. But mostly I just miss my brother. I need to look to the future, she's right, I need to plan my life. Planning my life at this point in the calendar always consists of getting ready to make it through the winter, emotionally and physically. I feel too crippled to plan anything about myself. Then I have days like yesterday, when I feel cheerful, capable, ok, sort of gingerly happy. I know I'm ok, fragile but surviving. I have some very dark moments at night, which is why I really need to establish a normal sleep pattern (aside from the obvious reason that exhaustion is not a good thing). That's a good project for me, a good plan. It's sort of an assignment that my psychiatrist gave me. I saw my internist last week. His assignment is for me to lose weight. Oh sure, easy for him to say. I gained 8 pounds in the 3 months between visits, 7 months prior to that. Too much Honey Nut Cheerios he things, but my good cholesterol is up. I think I can have a life plan that revolves around losing weight and gaining sleep and reading The Greenlanders.