There's no spring in my step

I really enjoyed reading the latest entries in my sister's blog. She had a wonderful trip to Scotland to visit her daughter (my fantastic niece) and Aberdeen sounds like a wonderful, penultimate Scottish town. Brave sister for going by herself, arranging the trip, staying alone in a B&B, entertaining herself while her daughter had classes--and--amazing to me, the easily intimidated in foreign lands--buying things with alien money. Anyway, it was a great travelogue full of good cheer and the words of a confident traveler. I envy that.

I was entertained by her comment that she feels as if she's in a rut. Friday I walked into my department and said exactly the same thing. I feel as if every day is the same, I am the same, my life is the same. I suppose we could think of this as a secure and normal life but right now it feels not that way. I'm a creative person and should be doing more with my life. I don't even vary the way I wash my body in the shower. Always the same parts in the same order. Well, wait, sometimes I wash my hair at different times.

The change of seasons helps here. I think living in a city makes it harder to vary your lifestyle, your life, what you do. My sister is involved in lots of things, especially physical activities and creating really beautiful works of art. My walls are covered with her paintings and people always take them down for a closer look. Then they say "She's very talented, isn't she."

Anyway, the arrival of a new season offers some variety, and I'm much more involved in it this year. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time--a very long time, and am interested in getting my gardens in shape. I'm working the soil to reclaim one bed and will plant things in the bed I've been reclaiming for the past 3 years. That's a real achievement for me--a place to put things. I bought a lot of perennials this year--spent too much money, but it's a sign of optimism when I buy plants with a future. I'm thinking of where to put them, and have put some in a totally new place, suggested by Lin. She's always full of suggestions, things I don't think of--she mentions them casually, as if in passing, then I get excited and we discuss (you know, Mike Myers' Barbara Richmond "discuss amongst yourselves"). So thanks to her I'm developing an extension of an area I had just started using. It'll look great.

So that's something that's not rutful. But work, housework, television addiction, after work activities (Ken on Mon or Tues, Weds., Friday, Sunday with Bill and maybe Fred)--payday Friday grocery shopping, liquor store, other errands and home. I guess it's a grind that's inevitable. If I wanted a real change I'd join something or take lessons (there's always the bipolar sufferers group--NOT). Guess that means I've settled for moving along this way, or, being a sloth, I lack motivation to make something more of my life. Am I satisfied with my life? Pretty much. I've worked hard to find mental stability. Like my sister's translations and work situation, that's been my big project for the past decade. That seems to have reached a fairly satisfactory state, but always a work in progress. So what's next? My house, I guess, but that seems like an impossible project and one I find terribly discouraging. For one thing, it reminds me of my brother and the pleasure he got making improvements when I told him to think of it as his house. And then there's the fact that there are many things left unfinished when exhusbandthemayor left. And things I am not capable of doing. And things Ken would have done with/for me before but no longer can do. OK, so those are the depressing negatives.

I'm hoping to paint my living room next week. BIG DEAL. Very, very big deal. I've asked Liza, Mark, Fred and Lin for advice on color. With each person I've settled on a color. A dark brown, a light brown, now a gray-brown. Lin says I won't get it done because I'll spend this week trying to pick a color and won't get to the painting part. She might be right (ah--there's that "you might be right (but probably not)" I'm so fond of). And there's the cost--I'm totally tapped out this week.

Sometimes I feel incapable of dealing with the things I've set up in my life. Yesterday I let the dogs out at 3 or so. Chances came back. Tess did not. Means she's walking the bog with someone but the black flies are so bad I couldn't imagine anyone would be in the bog. 2 hours go by & she doesn't return. I worry--I drive the road looking for a body. I go to the only camp where there are people, they're having a party, no they haven't seen Tess, but don't I want to come in, sit in front of the huge (really huge--this is the main lodge of a former girls' camp) fireplace? I decide I've really screwed it up this time, dog is gone for good, I have no Tess. Phone is ringing, woman says "I have your dog Tess." Where are you? "At Harrigan's (ice cream stand--West Plattsburgh, 25 miles away)" Well, she didn't know the bog was on my road and that Tess lives next to the bog and that AuSable Forks is my mailing address so Tess doesn't really live 13 miles from the bog. An hour to get the dog, chat up the nice woman (who works in a vet's office so knows how much dogs mean to people), offer to buy her ice cream, drive home. Someday I will lose that dog for good.

OK, loss of control story 1. Number two: let the cat out last night with dogs for final pee. Rainy night. Cat does not come in. Half the time I can't tell if she's in or out. I go to bed after calling cat. No cat. Can't sleep, am sure something has eaten cat (there's always a fisher in the neighborhood--they eat cats. so do foxes, coyotes, eagles, sometimes hawks). OK, now I don't have a cat, either. Decide I did, after all, like the cat. She answered me when I talked to her. Up at 3, open door to check for cat. Cat bolts in door. I ask if she wants to go to bed--she barrels into bedroom. So now I feel incapable of having either cat or dog

Oh worthless me. And this morning I feel like crap because I didn't get enough sleep. And it's cold (supposed to snow on Whiteface). But I have hot flash. And (worst of all) I still haven't written character assessments for clerks. This week is too complicated. Tomorrow to Saranac Lake. Wednesday back here. Thursday to Alexandria Bay (Thousand Islands--3.5 hours away) for another system's annual meeting, will see many friends there but am going by myself. Friday to Burlington for pap smear not done in 3 years. THEN: OFF FOR 5 DAYS. And many, many people arrive in Hawkeye.

Lin has offered to help paint my living room. First thought is no, I should do it without help, I need to do these things alone. Next thought: ACCEPT HELP FROM FRIENDS. I'm learning. I just need to get things ready. Like, pick out a color. And another color for trim. And write character assessments. Now