I miss my brother. I'm going through an I-can't-get-out-of-bed phase, which translates poorly when you're under the eagle eye of your director. I got up at 7:40 this morning, which won't get me to Plattsburgh by 8 (when Pbg is 40 minutes away and I have 3 dogs to deal with and myself to get ready for work). I was only 25 minutes late, but this is not good when the director has already brought it to my attention that I've been "late a lot lately," and "are you ok?" as if she almost cared but really is just letting me know that she's keeping track of my comings and goings. So chalk it up to another fuck-up on my part. Last night I was up until 3, though, not able to sleep again. This is a phase I go through every year, not usually this late, but it happens each year. It's a reverse Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, not unusual in bipolars. It would be fun if I didn't have to get up by 6:30 to go to work 5 days a week.

So I got in the car to speed to work, popped in a CD to listen to the latest book I'm listening to, found my place amidst great confusion on my part (sometimes I really prefer tapees, you can fast forward and reverse when your mind wanders or when you lose your place. With CD's you have to stop and go at places the CD chooses) then started on my journey. All of a sudden I was crying really hard, missing Henry as much as ever but not able to control myself. Well WHAM, this happens, doesn't it. So I shut off the book and cried my way to Plattsburgh. I know this is why I'm having trouble functioning at work, and why my SADD is worse this year and why I can't get to sleep at night and why things just aren't right and why I don't want to stay in the boat house. I know all that, and I'm very, very sad. I just miss my brother.

Yesterday sucked, more than Monday did. Who would think that would happen? Piles of dog shit on the floor when I got out of the shower, failed attempts at finding a vein in my hand when I had to have my blood tested before work (making me late for work), discovering that the clerks in my department were not at their desks when I got to work but were instead in the director's office, having a bawling brawl with each other. I was called into the office to be included, all of us informed that part of the problem was a supervisory issue on my part. Gee thanks, nothing like NOT getting support from the director in front of the people you supervise. Because the people who work for you can't get along and don't like each other it's your fault? Well, maybe partly, but the director can either help the situation or nudge them along. nudge, nudge. Then we have more union issues, a situation getting worse each day. At least when I got home my wood got delivered without incident. Now I have 4 cords to put towards this winter's warmth. Will get 4 more in a month, 4 more the month after that. Last year Henry stacked a bunch, a BIG bunch of my wood for me (so that lots of times when I went to the wood pile for wood I said to myself "I'm burning wood that my brother stacked for me!"). This year I have to stack that wood soon so it will dry by fall. I don't mind stacking wood but am a good procrastinator. Even my 78-year old mother is better at getting this chore done than I am.

Last night I had dinner with my NJ Congressman and his wife friends, very good friends, for the third time this week. They're leaving on Friday so it's really nice to see them as much as I have. They're busy planning the house they'll be building in the next couple of years here. This is really exciting to contemplate. He'll be a Congressman for several more years, depending on the electorate, but she'll retire from being a doctor in a couple of years and will spend a couple of weeks here several times a year. This is a really exciting prospect. My larger community of friends is planning to develop a great colony of people in the neighborhood in the next 5-10 years. Anyway, I love the Holts and have such a great time with them. I love to hear Rush talk off-handedly about things on The Hill. And laugh to watch a Congressman dive underwater in his swimsuit with goggles on, leveling his dock while I tell him how uneven it it.

When I got home last night I discovered that Chances and/or Jackson (I almost called him Dexter, the Evil and now dead Chessie) had eaten two discs of bacillus thuringeinsis, an organic insecticide that I had to put in my rain barrels to prevent mosquitos from hatching larvae. So I called the vet, who said to give them peroxide to make them puke. This was of questionable usefullness, since they could have eaten the stuff at 7:30 in the morning and this was at 5:15. Oh well, I do what the doctors tell me. Jackson puked, no problem, but Chances is the most stubborn dog and would not throw up. She looked the part, but just lolled around the yard for a long time with her head down, glaring at me and refusing to come near me. Boy is it hard to get peroxide down her throat. And she WILL NOT throw up unless it's her idea, either. She never did. Anyway, Annie Holt the doctor says that bt will only destroy insect stomachs, just for your general information, should any of you out there ingest the stuff at some point. And apparently the discs they sell to put in standing water are quite tasty to dogs.

And now it's today and my staff is having a clerks meeting, where they plot and rail against the professional staff, then meet with the director, who then gives the professional orders originating with the clerical staff. It's a lovely invention, the clerks' meeting. When the professional staff have our meeting, we discuss goals and objectives of the organization, not how we can get the clerks to shape up.

It's a beautiful, truly beautiful dock day. If there were a dock to have a day on. I go to Burlington this afternoon for my mammogram. At least I'll get to ride the ferry, and I think the lake will be calm. Last night Silver Lake was calm and the light was golden and it was really pretty. Big yellow moon while it was still really light out, too. Nice effect.