We're havin' a heat wave. It was supposed to be warm here, but when I checked this morning it was -7 at 7. Not what I expected, but it's going to be in the 20's today and in the 30's later this week. GET OUT! NO WAY! Well that's what they're saying. And we know those VanPatten's don't tell lies. So I'm psyched. I had a strange weekend. Saturday I hit close to rock bottom. Could barely function, spent nearly the entire day on the couch, watching movies and sleeping. All I could do was vacuum the living room, get wood and feed the birds. Uh-oh, I thought, this is depression and I can't stand it. Being depressed really depresses me. I couldn't get to sleep until 2 but woke up Sunday at 8 feeling really good. Are these bipolar swings or just part of my life right now? Who knows, but yesterday was a good day. I had a nice time with Bill and Ken, then enjoyed the 20-degree sunlight by walking down to the Holt's to check out their garage, then down onto the lake. I love, love, love walking on the lake in the winter sunshine under a bright blue sky. It is like magic. The dogs, especially Tess, love to run as fast as they can as far as they want to. They become small dots far away and I don't have to worry about anything as far as they're concerned. Someone had driven a vehicle on the ice and drilled a bunch of holes to fish through earlier in the day (I could tell it was that day because the holes hadn't frozen over). Presumably they had no luck because there were lots of holes in lots of spots. I walked to Sonci, then checked it out and walked up the hill and home. I felt great, conqueror of the winter world. Just when I was wallowing in the wonder of having the entire surface of the lake to myself, a huge white expanse, two snowmobiles went whizzing by. But I don't really mind that, it's part of the neighborhood and what can you do? If I have to share a lake that size with 2 other people for a minute when they go by I don't mind. It was too beautiful an experience to let anything ruin it for me. So I went home, carried in the wood, dumped the 50-lb bag of birdseed in the bin, loaded up the suet feeder, and felt really good.
Saturday I watched The Station Agent, a film I've had since December about a dwarf who inherits a train depot and lives there, hoping to be left alone in solitude but is befriended by three people. It's really a lovely film but is slow moving. I enjoyed it a lot and was glad I finally made myself watch it. I also watched Best in Show for about the 4th time and enjoyed it a whole lot again. Then last night I watched a Canadian special on Animal Planet about three handlers who were competing throughout the 2004 dog show season, vying for Best in Show at the Show of Shows at the end of the season in Ottawa. It was really great to watch that. I'd heard from my friend and kennel owner that dog shows are very political and cut-throat, and this show really drove that home. One woman got really angry because another toy poodle won and the woman "Dragged the dog around by the throat and the dog had her tail tucked between it's legs!" So she protested to the judges and pulled her 4 other dogs from the show and left in a huff. She had an ugly standard poodle named Monet as well, whom she was convinced was going to win Best in Show but didn't even win Best in Group. HAH! I thought. Serves you right, bitch. There was a Brittany named David and a schnauzer as well as a golden retriever named Quincy. The schnauzer's owner would drop him off at the show but never stuck around to watch. Why wouldn't you watch? The golden was neurotic and did the UNTHINKABLE: he sat down during the show. Three times. He won Best in Breed anyway. Was very pretty. Who knew they're not allowed to sit down.
I got my tape recorder and taped Ken on Friday night. I asked him to tell the story of the Douglas boys (Leroy's grandfather and his brothers and cousins) and the time they attached an airplane engine to a sled to make the first snowmobile. I love that story. He didn't tell it at its best but he at least listed the names of the 6 boys and the circumstances of their living together so I can get that straight. The recording didn't come out too well, lots of static and my voice is too loud. I need to place the recorder closer to Ken. But it's a start.
And now I have to catalog some stuff. I've been deleting lots of records for Lake Placid, getting ready to run their barcodes so we can get them ready to go online. Elizabethtown is next. We're getting 10 libraries ready to go online right now, all in various stages. Some are just starting, weeding their collections, and some are just waiting for us to finish up with their data. Amazing.
February marks mid-season for winter. We're halfway to spring.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
It's Friday at last. This week hasn't been too bad but it's just been consistently cold. Yesterday morning it was -28, today it was -17 (a heat wave). It's above zero now, but the car tires are making that squeaking sound as they pass by my window on the snow-covered driveway. Supposed to be 20 and sunny this weekend, which is really nice. If I'm feeling really, really good--now this has to be REALLY good, I'll walk down to the lake and take the dogs out on the ice. Otherwise I'll just go down to check out the Holt's garage. Otherwise I'll just stay inside, stoke the fire and watch videos. Good to have options. There's not much snow, only maybe 6" on the ground, so I have a fair amount of mobility in the neighborhood.
Work is strange, 2 people retiring, pressure from management to settle the contract within the month (this is good--they'll give in to things they otherwise would hold out on), settling my "situation," all in a big hurry because the directory apparently has moved up her departure date for her winter camping trip to Labrador. She's now leaving at the end of February, 2 weeks earlier than she originally told me she was leaving. Goodie! She won't be back until March 28 and leaves for good April 29. What happens during the month of April is anyone's guess. They're planning to hire someone right away, having the interviews while she's gone, I think. My good friend Donna is chair of the search committee and my friend Julie is the staff rep. on the committee so I feel fairly comfortable that a sane choice will be made.
Now it's time to go home. I want to stop at Staples and buy a small tape recorder to start taping Ken's stories. I keep putting it off, only remembering it when he starts in on one. Tonight I want to stop on my way home, after hitting the post office and liquor store and bank. It's too cold to run all those errands, but they must be done and I hope not to return to town until Monday.
Work is strange, 2 people retiring, pressure from management to settle the contract within the month (this is good--they'll give in to things they otherwise would hold out on), settling my "situation," all in a big hurry because the directory apparently has moved up her departure date for her winter camping trip to Labrador. She's now leaving at the end of February, 2 weeks earlier than she originally told me she was leaving. Goodie! She won't be back until March 28 and leaves for good April 29. What happens during the month of April is anyone's guess. They're planning to hire someone right away, having the interviews while she's gone, I think. My good friend Donna is chair of the search committee and my friend Julie is the staff rep. on the committee so I feel fairly comfortable that a sane choice will be made.
Now it's time to go home. I want to stop at Staples and buy a small tape recorder to start taping Ken's stories. I keep putting it off, only remembering it when he starts in on one. Tonight I want to stop on my way home, after hitting the post office and liquor store and bank. It's too cold to run all those errands, but they must be done and I hope not to return to town until Monday.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Jenica's birthday. She's getting old. I remember when she was very young. I didn't see her as a baby very much, she was swaddled a lot and Debbie was very protective of her. I remember her as a 2-year old and as a 4-5 year old on up. Then I'd see her every summer for a bit. What a cute kid she was. Then there was a time when she and I were the only partner-less members of the family at our gatherings. "Guess it's just you and me, Jen." But I've always enjoyed being with her and I think she's a nice and good person. So happy birthday to her. Hard to believe she's nearly 30. But then, I'm in my 50's and that's even harder for me to believe.
It's warmer today, above zero even. It was an even zero when I left for work this morning. The roads were bad and everyone was driving very slowly so I was late for work even though I left on time. This really bummed me out because I'm striving to be on time now, after a few weeks of NEVER making it to work on time. My wacky thyroid, depression, winter--all have conspired to make it impossible for me to get out of bed until there's the light that 7 a.m. (at the earliest) brings. Some mornings I don't get up until 7:10, and I need to leave at 7:20 at the latest. When you have 3 dogs to let out, let in and feed; plus a wood stove and birds to feed, you just can't make it all happen in 10 minutes. I make up the time so I always give the library their due, but I want to be there on time, I truly do. So now I'm really working on it, and it's a bit easier because it's lighter in the morning and my thryroid is being pumped full of synthroid at a higher dose (it's been 10 days so far, takes up to 4 weeks to feel the total effect).
Met with the library's attorney and my union rep last night, ended up crying because I'm depressed and I hate talking to people like that about being bipolar. It finally dawned on me that, why should I give "official notification" of my situation when the person who has the disability who was offended by my inadvertent comment never has given official notification of her disability? I'll contact my union legal department before doing anything more. The lawyer was really pushing me to do it, said it had to come from doctor, not from me, which is the opposite of what my doctor said it should be--an he should know, he's the one who has lots of patients who suffer from mental illness and work in workplaces. So now we're at a stalemate on this and I'll do nothing for a while. I wrote a statement quoting myself as having said what I did not call the clerk, emailed it to the lawyer so they can proceed with the "settlement." What a bunch of shit.
Tonight is dinner with Ken. Leftover beef in sauce from Sunday dinner. Found out Sunday that our friend who had surgery for a tumor in his lung, contrary to what Ken and I had been led to believe, DOES have cancer. Surgeon thinks they removed all the cancer but they're waiting for results on the lymph nodes they removed to be sure. If it's spread he'll have chemo, if not they'll do nothing. To me, cancer is cancer and you can never be sure about life once you have it.
Tomorrow we have a union breakfast at 7 to review some things about negotiations relating to health insurance. This will be a bloodbath for those of us on the negotiating team, as any time you mess with people's insurance you set yourself up for real hostility and suspicion. Our union rep will be there and I'll have him do the talking. I've already encountered some real unpleasantness at the merest mention of some of what we're discussing. And members don't know much of what's being talked about at all. Wait until they find out management wants to change HMO's. That will be message from hell to deliver.
So life goes on. I'm depressed these days, short fuse with the dogs, lots of yelling at them. Mostly at Jackson, but at the girls sometimes as well. I suppose I can blame it on the cold weather in part but really it's more than that. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon and will go into detail with him to see what he thinks. I would never want his job--have a seat, whine and suffer for me.
It's warmer today, above zero even. It was an even zero when I left for work this morning. The roads were bad and everyone was driving very slowly so I was late for work even though I left on time. This really bummed me out because I'm striving to be on time now, after a few weeks of NEVER making it to work on time. My wacky thyroid, depression, winter--all have conspired to make it impossible for me to get out of bed until there's the light that 7 a.m. (at the earliest) brings. Some mornings I don't get up until 7:10, and I need to leave at 7:20 at the latest. When you have 3 dogs to let out, let in and feed; plus a wood stove and birds to feed, you just can't make it all happen in 10 minutes. I make up the time so I always give the library their due, but I want to be there on time, I truly do. So now I'm really working on it, and it's a bit easier because it's lighter in the morning and my thryroid is being pumped full of synthroid at a higher dose (it's been 10 days so far, takes up to 4 weeks to feel the total effect).
Met with the library's attorney and my union rep last night, ended up crying because I'm depressed and I hate talking to people like that about being bipolar. It finally dawned on me that, why should I give "official notification" of my situation when the person who has the disability who was offended by my inadvertent comment never has given official notification of her disability? I'll contact my union legal department before doing anything more. The lawyer was really pushing me to do it, said it had to come from doctor, not from me, which is the opposite of what my doctor said it should be--an he should know, he's the one who has lots of patients who suffer from mental illness and work in workplaces. So now we're at a stalemate on this and I'll do nothing for a while. I wrote a statement quoting myself as having said what I did not call the clerk, emailed it to the lawyer so they can proceed with the "settlement." What a bunch of shit.
Tonight is dinner with Ken. Leftover beef in sauce from Sunday dinner. Found out Sunday that our friend who had surgery for a tumor in his lung, contrary to what Ken and I had been led to believe, DOES have cancer. Surgeon thinks they removed all the cancer but they're waiting for results on the lymph nodes they removed to be sure. If it's spread he'll have chemo, if not they'll do nothing. To me, cancer is cancer and you can never be sure about life once you have it.
Tomorrow we have a union breakfast at 7 to review some things about negotiations relating to health insurance. This will be a bloodbath for those of us on the negotiating team, as any time you mess with people's insurance you set yourself up for real hostility and suspicion. Our union rep will be there and I'll have him do the talking. I've already encountered some real unpleasantness at the merest mention of some of what we're discussing. And members don't know much of what's being talked about at all. Wait until they find out management wants to change HMO's. That will be message from hell to deliver.
So life goes on. I'm depressed these days, short fuse with the dogs, lots of yelling at them. Mostly at Jackson, but at the girls sometimes as well. I suppose I can blame it on the cold weather in part but really it's more than that. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon and will go into detail with him to see what he thinks. I would never want his job--have a seat, whine and suffer for me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
A long talk with my friend Annie Holt last night. She called at 9:50, making me nervous when the phone rang. "Who can that be? No one I want to talk to. Jamie calls me at this hour, drunk. " But I answered anyway, pleasantly surprised that it was her. She'd like to be here, where I am and where Ken is. She misses us and misses Hawkeye. Even when I told her it was going to be -15 during the night. I was wrong, it was -19 when I got up. I'm so lucky, my house is warm, my stove works well, I have electricity and good heat and all works the way it's supposed to. 450 homes in Jay and AuSable were without power yesterday, all day. The high was about 12 and by 11 last night, when it was -8 they were still without power. My first thoughts were totally selfish: I'm so glad that's not me, so very, very glad. I know exactly what that's like and I'm just so happy everything is going well at my house.
Well, except for my refrigerator. Still don't have my new one. They sent a 40' truck to deliver it and they couldn't get it to my house. Will send a smaller truck on Friday, so I'm taking the day off to be home when they do. This means I work 3 days this week, spending tomorrow on the road. Two more library visits, Elizabethtown and AuSable Forks. Next week is Tupper Lake then I'm through for a while, I hope. That will make 10 libraries we visited in a month. Being charming, efficient, presenting a conversion and automation plan to each of them, convincing them that THEY should do the conversion instead of having us do it here. And they fell for it each time. But they don't know any better, as my colleague keeps pointing out to me. The old way was for us to do it, the new way is for them to. And they're all part of the new wave of automating libraries. Yeah for me.
Uneventful weekend. It only got really cold yesterday. I didn't do much during the 3 days I had off. It was nice to spend 3 hours at Ken's on Sunday and know that I still had another day of my weekend left. Ken went to sleep, Fred left for home and Bill wanted to kill an hour visiting before he made his next stop. I learned that Bill's cousin, who's a member of our enclave has lung cancer and will be operated on tomorrow. Tumor the size of a ping pong ball (apparently they can't think of a food that's the exact size so they've reverted to sports equipment in this case). Anyway it's really tragic because he's a wonderful person and we all adore him. Of course it would be tragic no matter what kind of person he is, but he's one of the people we're all looking forward to having here when he retires in a few years. He's only 57. Hopefully the cancer hasn't spread and he'll survive this.
Yesterday I actually accomplished a few things--cleaned the stove ashes out of my burn barrel so that I could burn some trash, emptying out my pantry and part of my mud room. Stored my wheelbarrow under the deck. Brought in lots and lots of wood (which I have pretty much burned, and will now have to replace when I get home and it's -5 tonight). It was sunny and there wasn't any wind so it was really pretty nice outside. The dogs had a great time. The brown girls ran and ran in the woods, which they love to do. They get far, far away and I call them so they can come barreling through the woods like a team of horses. They really are sweet.
Not so sweet were they at 3 in the morning when 2 out of 3 dogs pooped on the floor. Chances overloaded on sunflower seeds and Jackson apparently could no longer tolerate the antibiotics he was taking for his infected screw (in his leg), so he had explosive diarrhea all over the hallway floor. I got to discover that when I got up to let an empty-coloned Chances out. It was all like a dream, me on auto-pilot at that time of night, cleaning it all up and spraying the floors with Odo-Ban so it wouldn't smell when I finally got up in the real morning.
I had a doctor's appointment on Friday and was weighed. Bad news, gained more weight. This is very worrisome, but he has increased the dosage of my thyroid medication. We hope that will do the trick. I had it checked in the fall but he feels the numbers aren't always the true indicator of what's going on. I sure hope he's right because something is sure not right with me. You can't eat less and gain weight unless something is wrong with you. My clothes don't fit and I don't want to buy more pants in larger sizes. It's really discouraging, since I lost nearly 50 pounds and am now gaining so much back. I hate this.
So now it's cold and we're all focusing on the weather. A good thing to focus on. Supposed to be cold all week. A high of -5 today. More subzero tonight, up to 20 one day this week for warmest temp all week. Back down to -20 Friday night. I can take it, it doesn't phase me as long as my stove and electricity work. Then I feel safe, comfortable and just fine. I have lots of DVD's to watch. I've been finishing up The L word--the gay community TV series. The shows producers focus too much on these people's sex lives, which just encourages people to think that homosexuals are obsessed with sex. Other than that I'm enjoying it. Next I'll watch Garden State. I went online today and filled up my queue at Blockbuster.com. I have 19 items in it so I won't run out of things to watch and my mailbox will be full. I like this--I watch something, mail it back and wait for something new to come. Half the time I forget what I've selected so it's a surprise when it comes. Good-oh.
Well, except for my refrigerator. Still don't have my new one. They sent a 40' truck to deliver it and they couldn't get it to my house. Will send a smaller truck on Friday, so I'm taking the day off to be home when they do. This means I work 3 days this week, spending tomorrow on the road. Two more library visits, Elizabethtown and AuSable Forks. Next week is Tupper Lake then I'm through for a while, I hope. That will make 10 libraries we visited in a month. Being charming, efficient, presenting a conversion and automation plan to each of them, convincing them that THEY should do the conversion instead of having us do it here. And they fell for it each time. But they don't know any better, as my colleague keeps pointing out to me. The old way was for us to do it, the new way is for them to. And they're all part of the new wave of automating libraries. Yeah for me.
Uneventful weekend. It only got really cold yesterday. I didn't do much during the 3 days I had off. It was nice to spend 3 hours at Ken's on Sunday and know that I still had another day of my weekend left. Ken went to sleep, Fred left for home and Bill wanted to kill an hour visiting before he made his next stop. I learned that Bill's cousin, who's a member of our enclave has lung cancer and will be operated on tomorrow. Tumor the size of a ping pong ball (apparently they can't think of a food that's the exact size so they've reverted to sports equipment in this case). Anyway it's really tragic because he's a wonderful person and we all adore him. Of course it would be tragic no matter what kind of person he is, but he's one of the people we're all looking forward to having here when he retires in a few years. He's only 57. Hopefully the cancer hasn't spread and he'll survive this.
Yesterday I actually accomplished a few things--cleaned the stove ashes out of my burn barrel so that I could burn some trash, emptying out my pantry and part of my mud room. Stored my wheelbarrow under the deck. Brought in lots and lots of wood (which I have pretty much burned, and will now have to replace when I get home and it's -5 tonight). It was sunny and there wasn't any wind so it was really pretty nice outside. The dogs had a great time. The brown girls ran and ran in the woods, which they love to do. They get far, far away and I call them so they can come barreling through the woods like a team of horses. They really are sweet.
Not so sweet were they at 3 in the morning when 2 out of 3 dogs pooped on the floor. Chances overloaded on sunflower seeds and Jackson apparently could no longer tolerate the antibiotics he was taking for his infected screw (in his leg), so he had explosive diarrhea all over the hallway floor. I got to discover that when I got up to let an empty-coloned Chances out. It was all like a dream, me on auto-pilot at that time of night, cleaning it all up and spraying the floors with Odo-Ban so it wouldn't smell when I finally got up in the real morning.
I had a doctor's appointment on Friday and was weighed. Bad news, gained more weight. This is very worrisome, but he has increased the dosage of my thyroid medication. We hope that will do the trick. I had it checked in the fall but he feels the numbers aren't always the true indicator of what's going on. I sure hope he's right because something is sure not right with me. You can't eat less and gain weight unless something is wrong with you. My clothes don't fit and I don't want to buy more pants in larger sizes. It's really discouraging, since I lost nearly 50 pounds and am now gaining so much back. I hate this.
So now it's cold and we're all focusing on the weather. A good thing to focus on. Supposed to be cold all week. A high of -5 today. More subzero tonight, up to 20 one day this week for warmest temp all week. Back down to -20 Friday night. I can take it, it doesn't phase me as long as my stove and electricity work. Then I feel safe, comfortable and just fine. I have lots of DVD's to watch. I've been finishing up The L word--the gay community TV series. The shows producers focus too much on these people's sex lives, which just encourages people to think that homosexuals are obsessed with sex. Other than that I'm enjoying it. Next I'll watch Garden State. I went online today and filled up my queue at Blockbuster.com. I have 19 items in it so I won't run out of things to watch and my mailbox will be full. I like this--I watch something, mail it back and wait for something new to come. Half the time I forget what I've selected so it's a surprise when it comes. Good-oh.
Monday, January 10, 2005
I have one of Molly's beautiful pictures, full of blue sky and blue, blue water as the wallpaper on my computer here at work. It's so bright and beautiful I really like looking at it. You can tell it's the sea in winter--no boats at the moorings, but you can also tell it's warmer than it is here: no ice, blue water. Although today it's warm, getting warmer. Supposed to be 50 and rain later this week. No one likes this weather for January, it's too unsettling, but we all agree this is our January thaw. We said that last week, though.
I bought a refrigerator on Saturday. Hooray for me. My friend Lin is the kind of friend everyone needs. I had dinner with Lin and Ralph Friday night and said I needed a refrigerator. She said yes, she'd hate to see me get sick from eating something that was stored at 40 degrees. She's so wise. Anyway, she called me Sat. morning to say she'd been researching refrigerators online, as she loves shopping for appliances, and had prices for them at Lowe's and Sears in Plattsburgh. She's good for me, makes me do the things I should do "in a timely manner." I didn't want to go to town on the weekend, had thought I'd get one this week, but Sears was having a good sale and Sat. was the last day, so on we went, through the driving snow. Got a good enough deal, an 18 cu.ft. one for $460, including free delivery and pickup and disposal of the old one (mandatory for me, of course). I could put it on my Sears card with no interest charged for a year, and I should be able to pay for it by then. I actually have enough cash to pay for it (hooray for me!) but like the idea of paying $50 a month instead. So that's what it's like to have a good, true friend--for me, anyway. I drove home in blinding snow on half-plowed roads and tucked myself in with a huge pile of firewood in for the night. Watched a show called The L word, about the gay community in San Francisco (feature show, not documentary). Lots of hot sex, which was not my favorite part, but it's an acclaimed show and was good, good characters and plots. I watched 2 DVD's worth via Blockbuster.com and will get more when I send these back. This is how I'm keeping up with tv shows on channels I don't get.
Unfortunately I couldn't get to sleep Sat. night until 3 a.m. so I slept too late yesterday, got nothing done in the morning. Then it was time for Sunday dinner. We had a good time, good food and joyous feelings for each other. Long time no see. Ken's great-nephew showed up to plow, then came in for a visit and we talked a long time about the iron ore industry in the area. It was really interesting. I knew a little, Ken knew a lot, Bill knew a lot. I learned about pig iron. I have the pig iron andirons that were in the J & J Rogers company office in the Forks, in my woodshed, where they were stored for Henry. They're about 3' high and 2 1/2' deep and weigh a whole lot. The legs are pig iron. Bill was really interested in seeing them and thinks I should offer them to the Adirondack Museum. I don't know what else to do with them. It's so typical of my ancestors to have something like that made, and so typical of my brother to treasure them. They are neat, but what to do with them?
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday to discuss ramifications of telling my workplace about my psychiatric condition. He was good, kind--can't offer legal advice, I should consult an attorney. I also told him of my anxiety attacks that happen when I'm driving, at odd times. He said it's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, a result of my rollover and last accident. Well, yes, he's right, I'm afraid of other drivers, and I think about getting hurt in a car, or getting killed in an accident. And I can't afford to feel that way, I have to drive, and drive a lot. This really sucks. His suggestions are: take deep breaths (no, that won't work for me) and put a tranquilizer under my tongue for rapid results (yes, that might work). Maybe jus realizing that this is what's going on with me will help me deal with it and I won't have these "episodes" as much anymore. I was having them on the way home from work, faced with the drive home--which is funny, considering the rural-ness of most of the drive. But then, that's where I rolled my car. And I keep thinking of how people get killed when they roll their cars, and picturing it happening.
Tomorrow is my reading group, meeting at my house. All weekend I put off cleaning my living room, kitchen and dinner table. Until 11 last night, when I wasn't sleepy and needed to do something. Now the house is in semi-order. Bathroom is clean, coffee table still needs to be emptied but the rest of the l. room looks presentable. The library is a mess--when the Rankins moved they gave Liza a bunch of stuff, some of which she pawned off on me, and I have no place to put it. So there it is, in boxes and bags among the usual clutter. It looks like hell. I'm taking my 5 days at Memorial Day and hope to make a miraculous difference in my house then. I also have Monday off--Martin Luther King Day. Maybe I can force myself to at least address the mud room, which is piled so high with stuff that it's waist high and falls out when you open the door. Part of the problem is that I need to burn trash, but first need to empty the stove ashes out of the burn barrel first. Come on girl, get it going. The chimney cleaner dumped the ashes in my burn barrel. I was going to dump the ashes on the ice in my driveway but of course never got to it. Now it's all covered with snow. When it rains this week I'll do...what? Make mud for the dogs to track all over the house? I should at least get the ashes out of the barrel. Put them in the wheelbarrow, which is freed from the ice now in the thaw, I think.
And yesterday at Ken's suet feeder Bill and I saw either a black-backed woodpecker or a three-toed woodpecker. Both are relatively rare and are hard to tell apart. I consulted my bird book when I got home and am prepared to make a positive ID next weekend. The feeder hangs right at the edge of the window so we were only about 6" from the bird as we did the dishes, so it was really incredible. It was great. He gets really good birds. All I'm getting are chickadees, blue jays and a few grosbeaks, but I'm not being very conscientious about feeding them this year. At least I only have one red squirrel so far.
I bought a refrigerator on Saturday. Hooray for me. My friend Lin is the kind of friend everyone needs. I had dinner with Lin and Ralph Friday night and said I needed a refrigerator. She said yes, she'd hate to see me get sick from eating something that was stored at 40 degrees. She's so wise. Anyway, she called me Sat. morning to say she'd been researching refrigerators online, as she loves shopping for appliances, and had prices for them at Lowe's and Sears in Plattsburgh. She's good for me, makes me do the things I should do "in a timely manner." I didn't want to go to town on the weekend, had thought I'd get one this week, but Sears was having a good sale and Sat. was the last day, so on we went, through the driving snow. Got a good enough deal, an 18 cu.ft. one for $460, including free delivery and pickup and disposal of the old one (mandatory for me, of course). I could put it on my Sears card with no interest charged for a year, and I should be able to pay for it by then. I actually have enough cash to pay for it (hooray for me!) but like the idea of paying $50 a month instead. So that's what it's like to have a good, true friend--for me, anyway. I drove home in blinding snow on half-plowed roads and tucked myself in with a huge pile of firewood in for the night. Watched a show called The L word, about the gay community in San Francisco (feature show, not documentary). Lots of hot sex, which was not my favorite part, but it's an acclaimed show and was good, good characters and plots. I watched 2 DVD's worth via Blockbuster.com and will get more when I send these back. This is how I'm keeping up with tv shows on channels I don't get.
Unfortunately I couldn't get to sleep Sat. night until 3 a.m. so I slept too late yesterday, got nothing done in the morning. Then it was time for Sunday dinner. We had a good time, good food and joyous feelings for each other. Long time no see. Ken's great-nephew showed up to plow, then came in for a visit and we talked a long time about the iron ore industry in the area. It was really interesting. I knew a little, Ken knew a lot, Bill knew a lot. I learned about pig iron. I have the pig iron andirons that were in the J & J Rogers company office in the Forks, in my woodshed, where they were stored for Henry. They're about 3' high and 2 1/2' deep and weigh a whole lot. The legs are pig iron. Bill was really interested in seeing them and thinks I should offer them to the Adirondack Museum. I don't know what else to do with them. It's so typical of my ancestors to have something like that made, and so typical of my brother to treasure them. They are neat, but what to do with them?
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday to discuss ramifications of telling my workplace about my psychiatric condition. He was good, kind--can't offer legal advice, I should consult an attorney. I also told him of my anxiety attacks that happen when I'm driving, at odd times. He said it's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, a result of my rollover and last accident. Well, yes, he's right, I'm afraid of other drivers, and I think about getting hurt in a car, or getting killed in an accident. And I can't afford to feel that way, I have to drive, and drive a lot. This really sucks. His suggestions are: take deep breaths (no, that won't work for me) and put a tranquilizer under my tongue for rapid results (yes, that might work). Maybe jus realizing that this is what's going on with me will help me deal with it and I won't have these "episodes" as much anymore. I was having them on the way home from work, faced with the drive home--which is funny, considering the rural-ness of most of the drive. But then, that's where I rolled my car. And I keep thinking of how people get killed when they roll their cars, and picturing it happening.
Tomorrow is my reading group, meeting at my house. All weekend I put off cleaning my living room, kitchen and dinner table. Until 11 last night, when I wasn't sleepy and needed to do something. Now the house is in semi-order. Bathroom is clean, coffee table still needs to be emptied but the rest of the l. room looks presentable. The library is a mess--when the Rankins moved they gave Liza a bunch of stuff, some of which she pawned off on me, and I have no place to put it. So there it is, in boxes and bags among the usual clutter. It looks like hell. I'm taking my 5 days at Memorial Day and hope to make a miraculous difference in my house then. I also have Monday off--Martin Luther King Day. Maybe I can force myself to at least address the mud room, which is piled so high with stuff that it's waist high and falls out when you open the door. Part of the problem is that I need to burn trash, but first need to empty the stove ashes out of the burn barrel first. Come on girl, get it going. The chimney cleaner dumped the ashes in my burn barrel. I was going to dump the ashes on the ice in my driveway but of course never got to it. Now it's all covered with snow. When it rains this week I'll do...what? Make mud for the dogs to track all over the house? I should at least get the ashes out of the barrel. Put them in the wheelbarrow, which is freed from the ice now in the thaw, I think.
And yesterday at Ken's suet feeder Bill and I saw either a black-backed woodpecker or a three-toed woodpecker. Both are relatively rare and are hard to tell apart. I consulted my bird book when I got home and am prepared to make a positive ID next weekend. The feeder hangs right at the edge of the window so we were only about 6" from the bird as we did the dishes, so it was really incredible. It was great. He gets really good birds. All I'm getting are chickadees, blue jays and a few grosbeaks, but I'm not being very conscientious about feeding them this year. At least I only have one red squirrel so far.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
The ice was singing in a deep baritone the other night. Gurgling and moaning the most beautiful sounds. Sort of like humpback whales but deeper and less frequent. It's such a wonderful moment when you step outside and hear that noise in front of you, unexpected and stretching from one side of your world to the other. It sounds as if it's right at your feet and makes you smile automatically and say "Way cool."
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Ah the New Year
I made it home from Rhode Island. Decided to return on Friday (New Year's Eve) rather than wait until the last possible day, which turned out to be great, since we had an ice storm on Sunday and the roads in Clinton County were closed to all but emergency vehicles (as in, you'd get arrested if you were caught driving on them). And so one. So I had the weekend at home in peace without Jackson because I didn't pick him up until last night. Two girl dogs and a girl. We had a nice weekend. Didn't get much done. Didn't buy a refrigerator: ran out of money (could charge it, most likely will ultimately) but more to the point, delivery truck cannot make it up my driveway, which is covered in ice ("it's like a bottle," according to Ken. I never heard that description used before). I can barely walk up it but did manage to drive up it after yesterday's mid-30's temps, driving in the crusty snow to the sides of the tracks in the middle.
Sunday Bill didn't make it to Sunday dinner and Ken was determined to have a noon time meal with me (he read off the contents of his larder, can by can). I finally consented to go there and we ate a bunch of Harry & David smoked salmon and summer sausage from some gift basket someone sent him sometime, ham that someone sent him from a famous smokehouse in Warrensburg, a can of creamed corn (his favorite) and a package of flavored pasta. He was very proud to have been able to provide such a diverse and delicious offering. Meanwhile, the whole 2 1/2 hours I was there it was sleeting and icing outside, so that when I left my car was encased in ice and I had to drive home peeking through an open door because I couldn't get my windshield cleared. When I got to my road I couldn't get up the tiny incline that can't even be called a hill at the entrance to the road. I spun around 360 degrees going so slowly it didn't even measure on the speedometer. I finally backed up and got a running start, made it to my driveway. Before I left Ken said, "I want you to sit down now and I'm going to tell you something. I want you to listen to what I tell you. I want you to do this: get in your car and drive home. Park your car at the end of your driveway, walk to your house, let your dogs out and don't leave your house again for the rest of the day. Call me when you get home so I'll know you got home all right. That's what I'm telling you to do." So I did as he asked. Everything was encased in ice, and he was right. I'm not sure I would have been smart enough to park at the end of the driveway if he hadn't instructed me to. That night I heard the town sander getting stuck on the road, trying to get up the hill after turning around in my driveway. It took him about 40 minutes to get gone. I called Ken to tell him about it, saying that I'd go investigate but I'd been grounded and wasn't allowed out of the house. He said I could stick my head out the door and listen to what was going on. I always tell him he takes good care of me and he always says this: "If I don't who will?" I love that man so much.
So now I'm back at work. I had a good time in Rhode Island. It was sad and we missed Henry very much. There were times when it was palpable. We had a very peaceful Christmas day. Liza, Mark and I opened our presents slowly, then Mark and I slept. I don't think Liza minded except that we hogged the good seats, the 2 couches, so there was no place for her to perch. We had good artichoke dip and fried almonds cooked the way my father used to make them, which Liza made especially for me, and shrimp. After all that food we opted to save the Christmas roast for the next day, when Jenica would be there.
Before Christmas I went to see my friend Linda, who used to share a duplex with me when I lived in RI. I hadn't seen her since maybe 15 years ago. It was so nice to see her, to be with her again and to pick up where we left off. She just retired (she's Henry's age, we civil servants can often retire at 55) and is working part time in a mentor program. She's great, still lives in Jamestown. We went to Newport and had a $70 lunch, which I was proud to be able to afford to pay for. We really had a nice visit and I was happy to still be her friend. She went through a lot of bad, troubled times, and I wasn't a very good friend to her during those times. I realize now that I was a troubled person myself, but didn't realize it at the time, and she was a very generous person in my favor. So we cleared the air about all that. The restaurant was on the water and it was nice to look out at the bay. There was a big sailboat still moored in the water, which reminded me of how much Henry loved Newport and the boat thing going on there.
Back to work yesterday, playing catch up. Cataloging, cataloging, cataloging. Then we had a negotiating session (ok, meeting). Things are going ok, not too contentious yet. We've only covered the minor points, haven't hit on salaries or health care yet--those will be the big ones. So far we've managed to be not only civil on both sides of the table, but actually conversant and even laugh a time or two. This is nice. We've had 5 meetings and are making some progress. Our contract expired 12/31 but we may get this settled in a couple of/few months. A record for recent times. Or maybe I'm not being realistic.
My refrigerator is not working right and runs all the time. I bet my electric bill will be outrageous. I'm on the budget plan but they will adjust it if it's not in line with my usage. So I'll be prepared for that. If I put things in the middle of the bottom of the freezer they will freeze, and the fridge part acts as a cooler, I can keep things for a little while but not for long. Produce won't really keep, nor will stuff like cheese, but I can keep milk and soda cool. I have a cooler on the deck with some frozen stuff in it, and it was fine until Jackson returned and discovered it. The girls had left it alone, but this morning he introduced them to it and they all were eating frozen diet dinners when I went to retrieve them to feed them their breakfasts. "Thai noodles for breakfast, Chances?" I can put it on the railing and I think it will be ok. It was funny when Tess trotted in (wiggled in is more like it) with a huge wad of frozen food in her mouth, taking it under the couch to her den, home of all sacred objects.
So I picked up Jackson last night and got the rundown on what's wrong with him. They didn't know he has a steel plate in his leg, having been hit by a car as a puppy and broken his leg. I thought they had done the surgery and knew this. They x-rayed him while he was boarded there because he has a weepy wound. Imagine their surprise. They were afraid it was bone cancer so were relieved (or, as David said, "Is this good news?"). One of the screws holding the plate in place is infected so he's taking a heavy dose of antibiotics for 2 weeks to see if we can avoid surgery to remove the screw. Ok, number 2: he has a lesion on his tail, which was never a problem at home, but apparently he wagged his tail so much in his cage there that it would bleed and he'd paint the walls with blood. Then number 3: his ears are very dirty inside. This I knew, and I try to keep them clean but I can't do as good a job of cleaning them as the vet can. So on top of the $200 to board him I paid $28 for antibiotics and ear cleaning solution. But he's a sweet dog and he was VERY happy to be in his car (bark bark bark), falling asleep immediately, then he was VERY VERY VERY happy to be home (no, I mean REALLY bark bark bark), falling into the sleep of the dead on the couch after drinking a gallon of water. I let him have the best spot on the best couch, which drove Tess absolutely crazy all night. She came to me 15 times, staring me straight in the eye with her huge, flying squirrel eyes--"He's sleeping where I should be sleeping. MAKE HIM MOVE!" No, Tess, he's been sleeping in a cage for 12 days, leave him alone. He snored loudly, oblivious. Reminded me of the old, old dachshund we had who wandered away from home when he was deaf and blind, got picked up for vagrancy and had to spend the night at the pound. When we returned him to his home he wandered around to the back door, barked to be let in as if the whole thing was just a bad dream.
So today I do more cataloging. Because it's been a long time since I've done any it's almost a novelty and I don't mind doing it. We need to set department goals for the year, however, and I need to set personal goals as well. One is to write a collection development policy for the adult collection. That may be my only goal, especially since the only other one I can come up with is to clean my desk and keep it clean and I can't really have that as an assessable goal. My real, true goal of getting to work on time so far this year has not worked out well at all. Yesterday and today I was 15 min. late. Both days I stayed in bed too late (I love lying in bed with my dogs, playing the "I'm getting up, stop sticking your snotty nose in my face" game with them. It makes me laugh out loud in the morning and I like to start my day laughing). Each day I said, NOT TOMORROW. So maybe, really, not tomorrow.
I made it home from Rhode Island. Decided to return on Friday (New Year's Eve) rather than wait until the last possible day, which turned out to be great, since we had an ice storm on Sunday and the roads in Clinton County were closed to all but emergency vehicles (as in, you'd get arrested if you were caught driving on them). And so one. So I had the weekend at home in peace without Jackson because I didn't pick him up until last night. Two girl dogs and a girl. We had a nice weekend. Didn't get much done. Didn't buy a refrigerator: ran out of money (could charge it, most likely will ultimately) but more to the point, delivery truck cannot make it up my driveway, which is covered in ice ("it's like a bottle," according to Ken. I never heard that description used before). I can barely walk up it but did manage to drive up it after yesterday's mid-30's temps, driving in the crusty snow to the sides of the tracks in the middle.
Sunday Bill didn't make it to Sunday dinner and Ken was determined to have a noon time meal with me (he read off the contents of his larder, can by can). I finally consented to go there and we ate a bunch of Harry & David smoked salmon and summer sausage from some gift basket someone sent him sometime, ham that someone sent him from a famous smokehouse in Warrensburg, a can of creamed corn (his favorite) and a package of flavored pasta. He was very proud to have been able to provide such a diverse and delicious offering. Meanwhile, the whole 2 1/2 hours I was there it was sleeting and icing outside, so that when I left my car was encased in ice and I had to drive home peeking through an open door because I couldn't get my windshield cleared. When I got to my road I couldn't get up the tiny incline that can't even be called a hill at the entrance to the road. I spun around 360 degrees going so slowly it didn't even measure on the speedometer. I finally backed up and got a running start, made it to my driveway. Before I left Ken said, "I want you to sit down now and I'm going to tell you something. I want you to listen to what I tell you. I want you to do this: get in your car and drive home. Park your car at the end of your driveway, walk to your house, let your dogs out and don't leave your house again for the rest of the day. Call me when you get home so I'll know you got home all right. That's what I'm telling you to do." So I did as he asked. Everything was encased in ice, and he was right. I'm not sure I would have been smart enough to park at the end of the driveway if he hadn't instructed me to. That night I heard the town sander getting stuck on the road, trying to get up the hill after turning around in my driveway. It took him about 40 minutes to get gone. I called Ken to tell him about it, saying that I'd go investigate but I'd been grounded and wasn't allowed out of the house. He said I could stick my head out the door and listen to what was going on. I always tell him he takes good care of me and he always says this: "If I don't who will?" I love that man so much.
So now I'm back at work. I had a good time in Rhode Island. It was sad and we missed Henry very much. There were times when it was palpable. We had a very peaceful Christmas day. Liza, Mark and I opened our presents slowly, then Mark and I slept. I don't think Liza minded except that we hogged the good seats, the 2 couches, so there was no place for her to perch. We had good artichoke dip and fried almonds cooked the way my father used to make them, which Liza made especially for me, and shrimp. After all that food we opted to save the Christmas roast for the next day, when Jenica would be there.
Before Christmas I went to see my friend Linda, who used to share a duplex with me when I lived in RI. I hadn't seen her since maybe 15 years ago. It was so nice to see her, to be with her again and to pick up where we left off. She just retired (she's Henry's age, we civil servants can often retire at 55) and is working part time in a mentor program. She's great, still lives in Jamestown. We went to Newport and had a $70 lunch, which I was proud to be able to afford to pay for. We really had a nice visit and I was happy to still be her friend. She went through a lot of bad, troubled times, and I wasn't a very good friend to her during those times. I realize now that I was a troubled person myself, but didn't realize it at the time, and she was a very generous person in my favor. So we cleared the air about all that. The restaurant was on the water and it was nice to look out at the bay. There was a big sailboat still moored in the water, which reminded me of how much Henry loved Newport and the boat thing going on there.
Back to work yesterday, playing catch up. Cataloging, cataloging, cataloging. Then we had a negotiating session (ok, meeting). Things are going ok, not too contentious yet. We've only covered the minor points, haven't hit on salaries or health care yet--those will be the big ones. So far we've managed to be not only civil on both sides of the table, but actually conversant and even laugh a time or two. This is nice. We've had 5 meetings and are making some progress. Our contract expired 12/31 but we may get this settled in a couple of/few months. A record for recent times. Or maybe I'm not being realistic.
My refrigerator is not working right and runs all the time. I bet my electric bill will be outrageous. I'm on the budget plan but they will adjust it if it's not in line with my usage. So I'll be prepared for that. If I put things in the middle of the bottom of the freezer they will freeze, and the fridge part acts as a cooler, I can keep things for a little while but not for long. Produce won't really keep, nor will stuff like cheese, but I can keep milk and soda cool. I have a cooler on the deck with some frozen stuff in it, and it was fine until Jackson returned and discovered it. The girls had left it alone, but this morning he introduced them to it and they all were eating frozen diet dinners when I went to retrieve them to feed them their breakfasts. "Thai noodles for breakfast, Chances?" I can put it on the railing and I think it will be ok. It was funny when Tess trotted in (wiggled in is more like it) with a huge wad of frozen food in her mouth, taking it under the couch to her den, home of all sacred objects.
So I picked up Jackson last night and got the rundown on what's wrong with him. They didn't know he has a steel plate in his leg, having been hit by a car as a puppy and broken his leg. I thought they had done the surgery and knew this. They x-rayed him while he was boarded there because he has a weepy wound. Imagine their surprise. They were afraid it was bone cancer so were relieved (or, as David said, "Is this good news?"). One of the screws holding the plate in place is infected so he's taking a heavy dose of antibiotics for 2 weeks to see if we can avoid surgery to remove the screw. Ok, number 2: he has a lesion on his tail, which was never a problem at home, but apparently he wagged his tail so much in his cage there that it would bleed and he'd paint the walls with blood. Then number 3: his ears are very dirty inside. This I knew, and I try to keep them clean but I can't do as good a job of cleaning them as the vet can. So on top of the $200 to board him I paid $28 for antibiotics and ear cleaning solution. But he's a sweet dog and he was VERY happy to be in his car (bark bark bark), falling asleep immediately, then he was VERY VERY VERY happy to be home (no, I mean REALLY bark bark bark), falling into the sleep of the dead on the couch after drinking a gallon of water. I let him have the best spot on the best couch, which drove Tess absolutely crazy all night. She came to me 15 times, staring me straight in the eye with her huge, flying squirrel eyes--"He's sleeping where I should be sleeping. MAKE HIM MOVE!" No, Tess, he's been sleeping in a cage for 12 days, leave him alone. He snored loudly, oblivious. Reminded me of the old, old dachshund we had who wandered away from home when he was deaf and blind, got picked up for vagrancy and had to spend the night at the pound. When we returned him to his home he wandered around to the back door, barked to be let in as if the whole thing was just a bad dream.
So today I do more cataloging. Because it's been a long time since I've done any it's almost a novelty and I don't mind doing it. We need to set department goals for the year, however, and I need to set personal goals as well. One is to write a collection development policy for the adult collection. That may be my only goal, especially since the only other one I can come up with is to clean my desk and keep it clean and I can't really have that as an assessable goal. My real, true goal of getting to work on time so far this year has not worked out well at all. Yesterday and today I was 15 min. late. Both days I stayed in bed too late (I love lying in bed with my dogs, playing the "I'm getting up, stop sticking your snotty nose in my face" game with them. It makes me laugh out loud in the morning and I like to start my day laughing). Each day I said, NOT TOMORROW. So maybe, really, not tomorrow.
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