Jenica's birthday. She's getting old. I remember when she was very young. I didn't see her as a baby very much, she was swaddled a lot and Debbie was very protective of her. I remember her as a 2-year old and as a 4-5 year old on up. Then I'd see her every summer for a bit. What a cute kid she was. Then there was a time when she and I were the only partner-less members of the family at our gatherings. "Guess it's just you and me, Jen." But I've always enjoyed being with her and I think she's a nice and good person. So happy birthday to her. Hard to believe she's nearly 30. But then, I'm in my 50's and that's even harder for me to believe.

It's warmer today, above zero even. It was an even zero when I left for work this morning. The roads were bad and everyone was driving very slowly so I was late for work even though I left on time. This really bummed me out because I'm striving to be on time now, after a few weeks of NEVER making it to work on time. My wacky thyroid, depression, winter--all have conspired to make it impossible for me to get out of bed until there's the light that 7 a.m. (at the earliest) brings. Some mornings I don't get up until 7:10, and I need to leave at 7:20 at the latest. When you have 3 dogs to let out, let in and feed; plus a wood stove and birds to feed, you just can't make it all happen in 10 minutes. I make up the time so I always give the library their due, but I want to be there on time, I truly do. So now I'm really working on it, and it's a bit easier because it's lighter in the morning and my thryroid is being pumped full of synthroid at a higher dose (it's been 10 days so far, takes up to 4 weeks to feel the total effect).

Met with the library's attorney and my union rep last night, ended up crying because I'm depressed and I hate talking to people like that about being bipolar. It finally dawned on me that, why should I give "official notification" of my situation when the person who has the disability who was offended by my inadvertent comment never has given official notification of her disability? I'll contact my union legal department before doing anything more. The lawyer was really pushing me to do it, said it had to come from doctor, not from me, which is the opposite of what my doctor said it should be--an he should know, he's the one who has lots of patients who suffer from mental illness and work in workplaces. So now we're at a stalemate on this and I'll do nothing for a while. I wrote a statement quoting myself as having said what I did not call the clerk, emailed it to the lawyer so they can proceed with the "settlement." What a bunch of shit.

Tonight is dinner with Ken. Leftover beef in sauce from Sunday dinner. Found out Sunday that our friend who had surgery for a tumor in his lung, contrary to what Ken and I had been led to believe, DOES have cancer. Surgeon thinks they removed all the cancer but they're waiting for results on the lymph nodes they removed to be sure. If it's spread he'll have chemo, if not they'll do nothing. To me, cancer is cancer and you can never be sure about life once you have it.

Tomorrow we have a union breakfast at 7 to review some things about negotiations relating to health insurance. This will be a bloodbath for those of us on the negotiating team, as any time you mess with people's insurance you set yourself up for real hostility and suspicion. Our union rep will be there and I'll have him do the talking. I've already encountered some real unpleasantness at the merest mention of some of what we're discussing. And members don't know much of what's being talked about at all. Wait until they find out management wants to change HMO's. That will be message from hell to deliver.

So life goes on. I'm depressed these days, short fuse with the dogs, lots of yelling at them. Mostly at Jackson, but at the girls sometimes as well. I suppose I can blame it on the cold weather in part but really it's more than that. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon and will go into detail with him to see what he thinks. I would never want his job--have a seat, whine and suffer for me.