I have one of Molly's beautiful pictures, full of blue sky and blue, blue water as the wallpaper on my computer here at work. It's so bright and beautiful I really like looking at it. You can tell it's the sea in winter--no boats at the moorings, but you can also tell it's warmer than it is here: no ice, blue water. Although today it's warm, getting warmer. Supposed to be 50 and rain later this week. No one likes this weather for January, it's too unsettling, but we all agree this is our January thaw. We said that last week, though.

I bought a refrigerator on Saturday. Hooray for me. My friend Lin is the kind of friend everyone needs. I had dinner with Lin and Ralph Friday night and said I needed a refrigerator. She said yes, she'd hate to see me get sick from eating something that was stored at 40 degrees. She's so wise. Anyway, she called me Sat. morning to say she'd been researching refrigerators online, as she loves shopping for appliances, and had prices for them at Lowe's and Sears in Plattsburgh. She's good for me, makes me do the things I should do "in a timely manner." I didn't want to go to town on the weekend, had thought I'd get one this week, but Sears was having a good sale and Sat. was the last day, so on we went, through the driving snow. Got a good enough deal, an 18 cu.ft. one for $460, including free delivery and pickup and disposal of the old one (mandatory for me, of course). I could put it on my Sears card with no interest charged for a year, and I should be able to pay for it by then. I actually have enough cash to pay for it (hooray for me!) but like the idea of paying $50 a month instead. So that's what it's like to have a good, true friend--for me, anyway. I drove home in blinding snow on half-plowed roads and tucked myself in with a huge pile of firewood in for the night. Watched a show called The L word, about the gay community in San Francisco (feature show, not documentary). Lots of hot sex, which was not my favorite part, but it's an acclaimed show and was good, good characters and plots. I watched 2 DVD's worth via Blockbuster.com and will get more when I send these back. This is how I'm keeping up with tv shows on channels I don't get.

Unfortunately I couldn't get to sleep Sat. night until 3 a.m. so I slept too late yesterday, got nothing done in the morning. Then it was time for Sunday dinner. We had a good time, good food and joyous feelings for each other. Long time no see. Ken's great-nephew showed up to plow, then came in for a visit and we talked a long time about the iron ore industry in the area. It was really interesting. I knew a little, Ken knew a lot, Bill knew a lot. I learned about pig iron. I have the pig iron andirons that were in the J & J Rogers company office in the Forks, in my woodshed, where they were stored for Henry. They're about 3' high and 2 1/2' deep and weigh a whole lot. The legs are pig iron. Bill was really interested in seeing them and thinks I should offer them to the Adirondack Museum. I don't know what else to do with them. It's so typical of my ancestors to have something like that made, and so typical of my brother to treasure them. They are neat, but what to do with them?

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday to discuss ramifications of telling my workplace about my psychiatric condition. He was good, kind--can't offer legal advice, I should consult an attorney. I also told him of my anxiety attacks that happen when I'm driving, at odd times. He said it's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, a result of my rollover and last accident. Well, yes, he's right, I'm afraid of other drivers, and I think about getting hurt in a car, or getting killed in an accident. And I can't afford to feel that way, I have to drive, and drive a lot. This really sucks. His suggestions are: take deep breaths (no, that won't work for me) and put a tranquilizer under my tongue for rapid results (yes, that might work). Maybe jus realizing that this is what's going on with me will help me deal with it and I won't have these "episodes" as much anymore. I was having them on the way home from work, faced with the drive home--which is funny, considering the rural-ness of most of the drive. But then, that's where I rolled my car. And I keep thinking of how people get killed when they roll their cars, and picturing it happening.

Tomorrow is my reading group, meeting at my house. All weekend I put off cleaning my living room, kitchen and dinner table. Until 11 last night, when I wasn't sleepy and needed to do something. Now the house is in semi-order. Bathroom is clean, coffee table still needs to be emptied but the rest of the l. room looks presentable. The library is a mess--when the Rankins moved they gave Liza a bunch of stuff, some of which she pawned off on me, and I have no place to put it. So there it is, in boxes and bags among the usual clutter. It looks like hell. I'm taking my 5 days at Memorial Day and hope to make a miraculous difference in my house then. I also have Monday off--Martin Luther King Day. Maybe I can force myself to at least address the mud room, which is piled so high with stuff that it's waist high and falls out when you open the door. Part of the problem is that I need to burn trash, but first need to empty the stove ashes out of the burn barrel first. Come on girl, get it going. The chimney cleaner dumped the ashes in my burn barrel. I was going to dump the ashes on the ice in my driveway but of course never got to it. Now it's all covered with snow. When it rains this week I'll do...what? Make mud for the dogs to track all over the house? I should at least get the ashes out of the barrel. Put them in the wheelbarrow, which is freed from the ice now in the thaw, I think.

And yesterday at Ken's suet feeder Bill and I saw either a black-backed woodpecker or a three-toed woodpecker. Both are relatively rare and are hard to tell apart. I consulted my bird book when I got home and am prepared to make a positive ID next weekend. The feeder hangs right at the edge of the window so we were only about 6" from the bird as we did the dishes, so it was really incredible. It was great. He gets really good birds. All I'm getting are chickadees, blue jays and a few grosbeaks, but I'm not being very conscientious about feeding them this year. At least I only have one red squirrel so far.