"There's nothing wrong with your heart"

is what my doctor said to me yesterday. Ever doubtful, I told him that I'd believe him when I turned 84. I had a cardio-catheterization on Monday, having consulted with my newest specialist, a cardiologist, last week. The cath. is more complicated than I expected--they make a hole in your femoral artery to stick the catheter in & from there it travels to your heart, where they shoot dye into the arteries surrounding your heart. I have no blockages and my heart (so they say) is fine. Anyway, they plug up the hole in your femoral artery with a collagen plug, and the trick is to keep that plug from popping out. This means you have to GRAB YOUR GROIN, as the nurses remind you during the minimum of 4 hours you have to stay lying down after the procedure. Any time you get up, cough, sneeze (try not to), think hard, sit down--whatever, you have to grab your groin. It's actually not hard to develop the habit, since it hurts where they poked a big hole. Anyway, I stayed home Tuesday, holding onto my groin so I wouldn't pop the cork and bleed to death, which was what they warned me about. Back to work on Weds., which wasn't such a great idea but the nurses and my friend Annie the doctor made me think it was the sissy thing to do to take 2 days off. Note to friends: take 2 days, it'll make you feel better.

I mustered all my courage and asked Marylou if she would be my chaperone, drive me to Plattsburgh, wait for me, then drive me home. This seems like an incredible imposition to me but she was totally generous and gracious about it. We had a really nice visits during drive time. Plus she got extra credit for knowing that my mother would so much like to hear right away that everything was ok as soon as M. heard that my procedure was over. Sooooo nice of her to call Liza. And Lin agreed to stay at my house if I had a blockage and had to spend the night at the hospital. What good friends I have. They're really supportive and generous.


So now I'm at work, trying to feel relieved but having trouble keeping myself from crying whenever I think about all of this. I think a whole lot about my brother. If he'd had these tests, would he still be alive? Anyway, he's dead and it's always a shock for me to realize that and I miss him incredibly much. He was my brother and was important to me for 50 years. Also I cry, I think because I was really afraid during all of this heart stuff. I'd been having chest pains which started when I started taking a new med--one of the side effects is muscle spasms, so of course I assumed I would have a massive coronary at any moment, but the med. was so effective that I hated to give it up. Anyway, I've been afraid for a month or so. Now: no chest pains and I should feel relieved and happy. Not crying. I guess I just got tired of being the brave single girl who can handle all her own problems. I didn't tell many people about this--heard a lot from Ken this week about that, he was really upset at not knowing. Didn't want anyone to know, but had to tell some people in case something went wrong. Now I can put it all BEHIND ME. And move on.


Moving on through the snow. Not much at my house, only half an inch or so. But it's cold. Only in the 30's this weekend. I have bulbs to plant--they just came this week. The ground was frozen but then it rained so I think I can dig deep enough to plant them. I was off on Friday and had hoped to do it but night time temp was 11 so ground was hard. Had my stove cleaned, which didn't take long because nothing was very dirty. For a change. Yay me, burning good wood. Am looking forward to having a good fire tonight, haven't had one this week because am not supposed to pick up anything more than 10 lbs. Plus am lazy about carrying in wood from cold outdoors to house. But tonight will force myself to, so I can have cozy fire for weekend lounging.

Made poor kitty go outside today. Am trying to remind her that she's an outdoor cat. When I left she was on the deck, glowering at me. If looks could kill-- She's doing well but Tess would really like to play with her. All kitty wants to do is rub against Tess' head and chest, which Tess completely does not understand. Chances has written the whole cat thing off as an unsolvable mystery. Just a black blob anyway.

Had Sunday dinner at my house last week. Bill requested salmon cooked in my Schlemmertopf. Anybody know what that is? A clay cooker. Soak the top for half an hour, put salmon in bottom with some stuff & cook in oven for an hour. Bill swears it's the best salmon there is and requests it most times I offer to have dinner at my house (less and less often). Horrible brother of Bill came because he was visiting Ken from Penn. and Ken left note telling him where they were. Son Karl is very unpopular in our neighborhood so I was really not thrilled to have him in my house. Of course he had to comment on the water stains on my living room ceiling, caused by snow backing up from the ice dam I have each winter. He knew how to solve that problem--a solution that might work in suburbia, but not in the North Country, no not at all. Turd monkey.

Book group this weekend. Yay. We're reading One thousand white women Good book, bet everyone liked it. I haven't quite finished it. Have several books to read once I finish it. Ann Sebold's new book just came in--she wrote Lovely bones. Also have Richard Russo's latest. Plus Richard Ford's, but his is loooooong. And something else I started but got distracted from. There's nowhere near enough time to read these. I like to get up around 5:30 on weekends, sit in the living room drinking coffee, reading and enjoying the quiet. Dogs go outside, grooving on the darkness and coming light. Cat purrs next to me on the couch. Dogs come in. Dogs go out. Dogs are incredibly happy. All is right with the world. It gets light very slowly and the day really begins. It's such a nice experience.

Nothing much going on this weekend. Need to go to the dump. Need to clear off deck (still? haven't done that yet? for god's sake girl, what's up with you?). Plant bulbs. Write some people. Start getting organized for trip to RI next week. Be stunned that Thanksgiving is coming.

Half an hour to go, then 4 stops before heading home. Listening to a book I'm enjoying about young Korean-American women in NYC. Not great literature but vaguely interesting. Really not great reader but I can stand it anyway.