Oh no, not one of THOSE days

Watch out, everyone, she's having a bad day. Actually, my clerks are really supportive and compassionate today. Maybe it's because of the way my head was hanging down when I came in, the fact that I was 20 minutes late, and my eyes were red and swollen from crying all the way to work. I don't know what hit me (well, yes, actually I do know) but I fell apart just after I got my coffee--strange, that, since that's always a cheery experience. People know me, greet me, chat with me, want to tell me what's up with them. So I cried for the last 20 miles to work.


Anyway, I feel as if I'm working really hard to keep my behavior "appropriate." There are so many things about the way I am that I'm being treated for, and the treatments definitely work, but it's just so much work to keep track of whether or not I'm acting the way I want to. The other day I blurted out "NO YOU DIDN'T!" to a new library director, who used to be my boss, when he said they'd done a certain number of ILL's last month. I knew the numbers were way too low and I was trying to let him know that they've been counted wrong (so we all think here at CEF) for the past several years, to point out something really positive. I apologized profusely for my outburst and he was kind and gentle, saying "It's ok, you can talk to me that way, it's me, Stan." Well, no, I can't. And I thought I was beyond those outbursts. Whether they're for good reasons or bad reasons, they're inappropriate and show me that I lose control. This is the piece of behavior I'm trying so hard to correct--and it's HARD, so hard. And it's work, and I'm getting tired of working HARD and constantly focusing so intensely on my behavior. But I don't want to be the person who blurts things out at meetings, who drowns out what everyone else says, who intimidates people into staying silent, who makes people roll their eyes. We all know that person. We had a staff meeting last week and I was wonderful. People spoke who hardly ever do. I caught myself behaving well several times--but it's WORK for me to do that. I used to smoke, and I guess this is like quitting--mark each time you want to smoke and focus on how you avoided smoking that cigarette. Only this is my life we're talking about.


I know this sounds as if I feel really sorry for myself, and I don't have cancer, and I have all 4 limbs and am not in a wheelchair, and I have a loving family--but I've been struggling with this all my life. Now I know what makes me do this, and chemicals can't fix it entirely but it's more as if they help set an example of what it should be like. The other thing I do is focus on my mistakes. No, REALLY focus on them--like ones I made 30 years ago as well as ones I made yesterday. Stupid ones as well as big ones. Stupid things I said to people, stupid pieces of behavior, really stupid things I did. I know--everyone does this, but I also know that I do it far more than other people do. It's called obsessive behavior. I try to change the subject in my mind; rarely am I successful. I'd like to stop the phenomenon before I complete the film in my mind. It's as if once it starts I can't stop it--"no, no, wait, I'm not finished." I'm sure people think I'm being too hard on myself, but other people don't go over and over this sort of thing year after year. They let go of it. Ah, letting go. I just can't do that. I'm still going over things about my ex-husband and my marriage that ended in 1995. Let it go, let it go. Lots of times I think it's because I don't have anything important enough in my life to replace this fixation, but then I think that my life should be enough to do that. Then I think, well, he's always in the news, his picture's in the paper, he's on TV, I see him at family gatherings (along with his wife, who seems to be everywhere I am at these things). I can't get away from him. And I remind myself that he's not the same person, any more than I am, so I don't even know who I should think about when I think of him. So LET IT GO. I have good feelings toward him, good memories (sometimes) but I also have a lot of resentment about that relationship and marriage.


OK, if anyone's made it this far--relax, being here at work has made me feel better. Distractions are the answer. That's why I watch so much television--it distracts me, fills my head with images and activities unrelated to what might go on in there otherwise. I replace the music in my head with real music for the same reason. That music in my head is back, really back and is just horrible. ANYWAY, I'm ok. I listen to books when I drive, sometimes I find good ones I can actually pay attention to. There are plenty of things I enjoy. I put up lights on an outdoor tree on Sunday, which was complicated and funny and made me laugh at myself but was finally successful. I strung them nicely but the foot of snow we got knocked them down, so now I have a giant white light smile in my tree. Not the effect I had in mind.

My dogs are a lot of fun to have, are predictable and love me. They entertain me and require something of me. My house is very demanding and I'm constantly letting it down. My car is a mess and needs money. I'm living beyond my means. I also have a good job with a great retirement benefit, and during those times when I can believe in the future I think about retiring 7 years from now. In the meantime I like my job. I like working with the member library directors. The other people, well, I've worked with them for decades.

This afternoon I go to Saranac Lake to work on their Adk Coll. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why the books are pertinent to Saranac Lake, tuberculosis, the Adirondacks, Robert Louis Stevenson, or anything else I can come up with. That slows me down but entertains me. It's a lifetime project.