You have to wonder
just what's going on these days. I called Trudy at the bank because she left a message yesterday. Her news: due to the 8 $34 charges for online payments and purchases that came through before I made my deposit to cover them (which I didn't do until Tuesday, because I didn't come to town because my road wasn't plowed because Iranians are conspiring against me as part of their nucular program), I have a balance of negative $258. Well, yeah--I sure can't pull that out of my ass. I'm a pathetic 50 year old who can't even find 250 one-dollar bills. Quarters, maybe, but not dollar bills. I can sort of joke about it now, but at the time I was devastated. I met with Susan The Cold Hearted Bitch Who Controls All The Money in New York State. She was not the least bit sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, understanding, nor did any facial muscle move during our entire exchange. Nor did she offer me a kleenex when I started to cry (although she did say, "I know" No, you don't know you stupid bitch--you work at this bank, they let you do this sort of thing). Will the things I paid online be covered? She doesn't think so. I wonder, though, because my ill-gotten goodies keep arriving here at work and LLBean sent me an email today telling me they've shipped the thing I ordered on Tuesday. What up? Yo, peeps. I've been watching The Wire, which is a great show: there are a lot of dope dealers in it and they talks real cool.
Then I had my appointment with my psychiatrist, who was knocked over by my distress (well, fan me with a brick, don't you deal with people who are upset?). My, what a change from our last appointment. Yes, yes, I can see why you'd feel that way. Again: no, you can't see why. You aren't a broken person who is no longer the person you were all your life and takes so many chemicals, each for a specific chemical purpose in your brain, someone who has to constantly think about what she says and does before doing anything. No, kind doctor, you couldn't possibly know. He's proposing a wonderful Joseph Heller situation, my own Catch-22. The drugs aren't working if I have to think about having them work. See, if they were working I wouldn't be thinking these thoughts. I dispute this, it sort of misses the point that the person I was for much of my life no longer exists (even if we didn't like her, she was still the person I was), and I'm sure I will always be aware of my behavior, outbursts, nice things, not-nice things, funny things, cruel things that make me whatever version of myself that I am, depending on what chemicals are zipping around in my head. BOTTOM LINE: Life is very complicated. Drugs don't always help. Therapy doesn't solve everything.
I'm still reading about the American stomach but have to take a break because I can't believe he's gone back to the 1700's, all these pages later. We're back to the time when 5-6 foot lobsters were common and Americans were guilty of imperialist eating, having left behind today's gurgitators.
I think the stomach book combined with Peter Strauss has made your brain misfire. ;-) OK, bad humor, and I know I don't understand, precisely, but I do continue to hope that the days get better for you.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the bank "lady" needs to be kneecapped (karma's a bitch, baby), and your doctor's clearly not helping. Any thinking person would be thinking about what the pills should be/are doing inside of them. Aren't they?? Does thinking about chemotherapy make it less (or more) effective?
Give your angel-dogs and the kitty lots kisses. They're the best therapy, I expect.
You DO have to wonder. As Roggie said once about a mouse that wouldn't sit still, "that's the nature of the beast". We were brought up to wonder, and I think it is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI am slowly learning not to wonder too much. What is too much? That which interferes with general well-being. You are certainly between a rock and a hard place. I agree that life is complicated, drugs don't always work, and therapy doesn't solve everything. I remember during psychoanalysis an epiphany moment when I realized that they don't call it "solution" -- they call it "analysis". There is no solution. There is only complicated life.
I am very sorry for your suffering. That, perhaps, is the bottom line for me: compassion, and generosity. You have both of those, and I try to have both of those. I don't "understand" or "know", but I listen as best I can. I think your doctor also listens as best he can.
It is hard not to be the person you used to be. I cannot confirm this. I see you as the person you used to be. Older, road-worn, traumatized by life events, more aware of the difficulties of life and of your particular difficulties in dealing with the difficulties of life. A better person in many ways, but the same person. I would say the same about myself. In some ways I am improved, and so is my life, but in others I preferred it when I was younger. But this is today and here we are.
Love you
oh, and I do hope the stuff you ordered arrives. It does seem that businesses send products, and then work on getting them paid for. Your overdraft is not very big. I do not like immobile-faced bank bitches. Icky. Why not just get a robot?
ReplyDelete