It all comes back to me now
After a nice, healing weekend of doing nothing much but sleeping, I had a bit of a mental setback on the way to work this morning. Reality check about my accident. It suddenly occurred to me that yes, really bad things could have happened to me. I could have died. So I start to cry. And though I've been saying and thinking that it was fortunate there wasn't a telephone pole or the river or a tree next to where I went off the road, now I'm really concentrating on that, and I know I want to live, I don't want to die. Lucky thing, huh. I don't confront danger seriously, and I don't worry about myself--Molly's blog reminded me of that. What's the point in worrying about yourself? This is truly convoluted: you SHOULD worry about yourself, it's the only thing you really have control over. I haven't been afraid to drive since my accident, but I have relieved the whole thing, remembered what it was like to roll over, the vision of the ground coming up on the left side and everything in the car flying all over the place. I don't remember being upside down, but that was a fraction of a second, then I was right-side up with a WHAM! So today I cried about something that was not the death of my brother--for the first time since April, so that was sort of refreshing. And I know how strongly I feel about surviving, which I did know before, but it's always good to affirm these things.

For those of us who travel a lot, our cars are like houses on wheels. I cleaned out the Prius over the weekend--it's not my home, just an apartment I'm renting. I had started to move in, and I don't want to do that. Plus, now that I know that things can become projectiles, I'm even more careful about what's in the car. Removed the bottles of wine I bought for Sunday dinner. Removed the wire dog cage I had in the back. But I like this apartment, it's got wall-to-wall carpeting, big screen TV, central air conditioning, electric heat and a good sound system.

I had a nice weekend, if you call recuperating a nice thing. I slept a lot, but Saturday night I went to the boat house and sat on the porch in candlelight, doing crossword puzzles for a long time, sipping Jenica's tequila. That was really nice. Sunday night I did the same thing, but I read Mysteries of Pittsburgh instead. It was ungodly hot and humid all weekend. Sunday morning the brown girls and I hung out on the dock in the semi-sun, enjoying ourselves immensely. In the afternoon I was home for a bit and it was 80 outside and 80 inside. Then it rained and after 2 hours the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. Amazing. The lake is a lot quieter now, not as many people there and it seems that almost everyone who has a jet-ski has gone home. yahoo!

And now I'm back at work, just got a call from the car salesman wanting to know if the deal is still on and what's up. Yes, it's still on, I'm waiting for the insurance company to send money (call home, send money). Let's get this thing going, shall we?

Friday afternoon and I'm tired. I've been answering the phone at home and at work all week. Well, at home it's mostly voice mail messages that I don't really answer. So much concern! At times like this I really am reminded that I have a lot of good people who know me and care about me. Calls last night from friends I've had here for many years. Calls today from member library directors who wanted to make sure I'm ok. Same thing yesterday. What nice people.

Book group met last night, all agreed we really did NOT like the book, sappy sweet romance, totally unrealistic. That's not why they didn't like it, but I realized that I don't like unrealistic books. You'd think that would mean I would read non-fiction, but no, I still prefer fiction. Next book is Michael Chabon's Mysteries of Pittsburgh. Turns out only the Lake Placid Library owns it, eveyone else either never bought it or threw it away. oops. Guess I'll have to buy it. We had a nice time last night, spent a lot of time talking about relationships, marriage, priorities. Sitting on the boat house porch in the evening, watching the moon rise as it got dark and we visited by candlelight. What a great place that really is. And what nice people are in that group. We really have fun together and I just love being part of a group like that.

Today I was late for work because all three dogs decided to check out the neighborhood for 45 min. or so. Ratful dogs. Tess came home with a huge wild apple in her mouth. Apparently Chances thought it was ok for her to carry it home, but she took it away from her in the living room and promptly ate it. slurp slurp.

I find myself feeling very sad as I drive these days. I wish I could tell my brother about my accident, and I wish he could comfort and console me. I'm not afraid to drive, but I'm very sad about it all. I bought a new car yesterday but am not at all excited. I think this is my 7th new car, maybe my 8th. I played 3 dealers off each other and settled for one in NH, never met the salesman only talked to him on the phone. They'll deliver the car on a flatbed, waiving the delivery charge (that was the dealbreaker, I told him). I have to do nothing, not even go to DMV to register it. I did the financing online and over the phone. They don't even have my signature yet. My insurance company is getting the title to my car in the mail, will cut a check to Honda Finance and give me the difference between the value of the car and what I owe (yes, I owe less than it's worth, a rare situation in my life). When it's all straightened out, hopefully mid-week, I can get my new car and get on with my life.

I'm still sore but am improving. I went to the chiropractor on Tuesday, have another appointment on Tuesday. He cracked my neck and I swore in surprise. Must learn to control that. Worked on my pressure points, told me I have problems with sacro-iliac (no shit--I can't sit comfortably for more than 1/2 an hour), my neck, shoulder and of course my carpal tunnel. Let's see what he can do.

It's supposed to rain all weekend. I can watch Bend it Like Beckham, Matchstick Men, The Triplets of Bellville (a friend told me the other night that Jackson is just like the dog in that one so I have to check it out). I should read and, god help me, straighten my house a bit. I can't mow my lawn if it rains.

You are the Aqua Marine Mermaid. You are pure and
brave. Strong and True. Your best freind is
your seahorse, your steed. You have fought many
battles in your own life and in the sea. No
matter what challenge you overcome it.
Congratulations there are very few of you.
Would you rate my quiz for I am brave too?

What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by



Of course it's no surprise that my best friend is my steed, and my steed is a seahorse. We had seahorses when we were kids, my sister and I. If we couldn't have real horses, my father thought we should try them instead. He was cute in that way.

Um...Dorian Gray? What the fuck is that? I guess I'll have to read that. And what, exactly is a dandy? It figures that I'd be something that a) no one has read and b) doesn't sound anything like me or anything about me. But oh well.

Since the article about my accident was in the paper my phone rang like crazy last night. I was out, went to dinner with great friends, plus Bill and Ken. I stopped by Ken's house on my way home and at last he was there. Unfortunately he heard of my accident from someone else before I had a chance to tell him--I hated for that to happen, seemed so unfair. Anyway, we had a drink together, I told him all the details, then said he knew more about it than anyone else. He took my face in his hands, kissed me on the lips and told me how much I mean to him. I felt better but still felt I had betrayed him by not making more of an effort to get in touch with him on Mond. or Tues. Oh well. Lin called me at the camp where I was having dinner--Jamie had called her to see how I was. Not knowing it would be in the paper, I hadn't told her about it yet. She was really worried (the paper said I complained of head pain--don't we all). He also called his parents, who called my mother. Since I hadn't told her the car rolled all the way over, she got upset. I called her at 7 this morning and reassured her. I said I was really lucky and that the car held up well. She said that SHE was really lucky. I can't disagree with that. We're all lucky, aren't we. This whole thing has been scary, sobering, emotional and I guess really awful for me, sinking in slowly. I got a call from (get this, Molly) Ricky Santor, voice from the past--daughter of the man who used to care for our grandfather. She wanted me to know that she has an extra bedroom and if I needed to move in with her she would take care of me. Now THAT is a nice person making a nice offer. We talk once every 2 or 3 years. I went to her mother's funeral a couple of years ago and see her in the grocery store every now and then. It was really sweet of her to call and we talked a long time. So today I feel lousy, am very sore and can barely turn my head. But the hunt for the perfect car at the perfect price continues. I have a lead on yet another dealer, a mega-dealer in New Hampshire that delivers cars to your doorstep and reputedly has prices that can't be beat. I have to call them today.

Jackson is on the prowl again. I heard reports from people last night that he showed up at a dinner party at the camp down the hill. They have a long porch and they were merrily eating dinner when they heard CLUMP, CLUMP, CLUMP as he mounted the stairs, then CLIP, CLIP, CLIP as the trotted across the porch, then his face appeared in the doorway. He'd been to the camp a couple of weeks ago when this woman's sister was staying there, scaring her 16 year old son as he scavenged outside the window at midnight, making Tom think he was a bear. My friend was one of the dinner guests and knew Jackson, so his presence was explained. Ah, the neighborhood dogs. He took off last night at midnight again, so I'm sure he went back down there. He's certainly cheerful these days, now that there are more people at the foot of the hill. New people come in to Ken's camp this weekend, can't wait till they meet him. They're very nice people, I've known them for several years but they've yet to meet Jackson.

Still warm but a bit hazy today. Humid. Where was this weather when my family was here? Today and tomorrow are due to be in the 80's. Of course Saturday it's supposed to rain. Linda and Erdvilas come on Saturday (time to put my drinking hat on). That will keep me entertained for the next two weeks. It's pug time!

Oscar Wilde: The Portrait of Dorian Gray. You are a
horror novel from the world of dandies, rich
pretty boys, art and aesthetics, and
intellectual debates between ethical people and
decadent pleasure-seekers. You value beauty and
pleasure but realize their dangers, as well.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by

So it's 3 in the afternoon and so far today I've been a busy girl. I found out I'm really 5'2", not 5'1". YAHOO! This is unbelievably cool for me. When you're this short every inch counts. I also got weighed and was extremely disappointed--too disappointed to report on that. I've gained weight this summer and must make a concerted effort to lose weight in the coming weeks. After that I had a bone density test done. They run a machine over your pelvis, back & forth about 50 times, then they do the same to your left hip. This is my baseline. There's evidence that use of Depo Provera contributes to a loss of bone density, and I used DP for treatment of endometriosis for nearly 2 years in 1982, but maybe that will prove to be inconsequential. I eat a lot of calcium pills every day so I'm thinking my bones are just fine.

After the bone thing I went to the Honda dealer in Burlington (since I was in B'ton already). Talked to the salesman who sold me my 1995 Civic (as opposed to the one who sold my my '02 Civic, who's been sending me cards and notes ever since, but whom I never really liked. Now Jay, Mr. 1995, I LIKE him, he's young and cute). Don't have to test drive the car because it's essentially the same vehicle as my other one. He gave me a good price. I said I'd think about it.

Came back to Plattsburgh, went to the Auto Barn to retrieve contents of trunk of my car. Met up with insurance adjustor there. He reported that they're totalling my car. There are tufts of grass and mud sticking out of the roof of my car. It is very depressing to look at it, even more depressing to clean it out. He advises me to "remove all personal contents of the car" as they will be moving it to a non-storage facility on Friday. This means, presumably, it will be crushed. The frame has been bent and it cannot be saved. I take out all I want from it, leave the facility in tears. My brother died, I wrecked my car. I feel little emotion these days. One therapist I had told me that people in the mental health field view all single occupant accidents as potential suicides. Mine was NOT, really NOT an attempted suicide. Rather, it was sloppy driving due to inattentiveness. I looked away from the road and looked back to discover my right tires were on the gravel shoulder. Slammed on the brakes and did a 180, then rolled over (but only once, I believe). Anyway, that car is history.

Went to the Honda dealer in Plattsburgh, played the game of "The Automaster gave me this price, what can you do?" Well, we certainly don't want you buying your car from them. They quoted me a price that's $50 higher. What the fuck is that about? So then I said I didn't like the tires that come with the car and I want Hakapalitas, what kind of deal can they give me on those? "Nothing is free," she laughs. Screw you, I want to say. I get a discount of $40 per tire, plus some other nebulous deal. And a lecture on what they must do with the tires that come with the car, which I tune out completely. I do not want to buy a car from this woman, but I will if it works out. I like Jay better, he's much more professional and sells BMW's, Land Rovers and Mercedes Benz's as well. He gave me no crap about maybe he couldn't get me the color I wanted (Magnesium). She said it might be hard to get the color I wanted, until I told her about The Automaster. Then all of a sudden it wasn't so hard to find one.

Now I'm at work, eating up the end of the day by blogging. The union strife is on fire but I missed most of it this morning. Board agrees (apparently) to our approval of their proposal (did they forget that it was THEIR proposal?). Details to follow. This does not really satisfy the members. I'm sick of it all, glad I wasn't here this morning when everyone was tooling around the building like pull-toys on wheels.

It's a beautiful day. I played with the touch-screen computer in my rented Toy Car all the way to Burlington and back. I now know how to program the radio stations (you can put stations in different categories and run through screen after screen of category--Inform, R & B, Jazz, Rock, etc. If only we had 6 stations in each category, which is the number you can pre-program) and am very good at setting the temperature, volume and changing tracks on CD's from the steering wheel. Starting it is tricky, there's a lag while the battery decides what is the ideal time to charge enough to turn over the engine. I can't imagine that this battery would function at -30 degrees, but this car is a lot of fun.

Encounter number 2 with kind, cute young guy came yesterday at the car rental place. I went to pick up my chaeap but not cheapest car and it wasn't there, so the guy, feeling sorry for me for what I'd been through ("If I'd just rolled my car a few hours ago I sure wouldn't be in as good shape as you are right now"), decided to give me a free upgrade and gave me a 2004 Toyota Prius. It's a hybrid, half electric and half gasoline engine. What a great toy. It looks really wierd and thus is hard to find, waiting list of several months to buy one. It's a 4-door, has plenty of room. Has a small screen on the dash, like Kristen's car, but this one has a number of displayable screens. What displays most of the time is an energy monitor, so you can tell which source of energy is being use and when the battery is being charged. The engine is so quiet you can't tell if it's running or not, and when it idles it's noiseless, running off the battery. To start it you push a button on the dashboard. The key is a 1 X 2 inch rectangle, inserted into the dash, the gearshift a knob on the dashboard. You have 3 choices, Drive, Reverse (which makes the car beep like a construction vehicle the entire time it's in reverse) and "B", which which I am not yet familiar. Park is a button on the dashboard. The display on the dash is about 1.5" high, just below the windshield, and everything is digital. On the steering column are buttons to set the temperature of the interior, a button to select the track of the CD player, volume controls of the stereo and a button for the air-conditioner. This car is way cool and if I could have 2 cars this would be one of them. It wouldn't be good for winter, though, because you couldn't rock it when it got stuck in the snow, as it inevitably would when I drove it in my driveway. Plus I think they cost at least $23,000. Out of my range. The power of this machine is most impressive and the soundlessness of it mind-boggling. It drives like a dream. So my accident wasn't all bad.

I went to see my car last night, to collect my goods. There were Diet Coke cans all over the back seat and floor. They were projectiles, having come loose from the 2 cartons they were in. Why wasn't I hit in the head with one? Dumb luck. Most of them were empty. Lots of my CD's were broken. Why wasn't I cut with one of them, projectiles that they became? Dumb luck. Ken's boots were fine, and are now ready for me to mail to LL Bean. The change I had collected in my cup holders was scattered all over the car. My long-lost ATM card had been deposited neatly in the door, along with my prescription sunglasses, whew! The car looks horrible and the body shop guy has declared it totalled. If the adjuster agrees I have to buy a new car. Then I'll have to decided whether to buy a new car or talk to cousin Cameron about getting a late model car with low mileage. Either way it will cost me money I do not have. But, as everyone (EVERYONE) has told me: I'm lucky. Now, really, folks, if I were lucky I'd be driving a 2002 silver Honda Civic in need of an oil change with Hakapalita tires on it.

So I'm sore today but not as sore as I expected to be. Have been shovelling Motrin 800's into my mouth as often as I can. Went to the chiropractor for scheduled appointment this morning. He cracked my neck, told me my sacro-iliac joints are messed up (yes, I knew that), I have carpal tunnel (yes, I knew that) and that my shoulders are tight (yes, I knew that) but that he'll be happy to help me with all of these things. It's the sacro-iliac I'm looking forward to fixing, and the neck problem I have when I'm at work. I can't sit comfortably for more than 1/2 an hour, which makes the drive to RI really nasty. He can make that better. My neck already feels better, so maybe I can catalog something boring this afternoon.

Sunny and warm this afternoon, as it's supposed to be all week. I'm really only interested in what it's supposed to be like Saturday (80 and sunny). And I really hate to look forward to the future like that, makes me feel as if I'm wishing my life away. I had the best night last night, totally validated my favorite way of spending an evening: encased in a comforter on the couch with 2 dogs (the smallest one in a constant quest for the best position under the comforter, nudging me and the other dog to make room) while watching tv and doing crossword puzzle after crossword puzzle. It was curative. I need a wider couch, though, that one's not good for 2 dogs and a human. Chances refuses to budge an inch for Tess and Tess does not give up easily. Tonight I need to mow the lawn. Blech.

DECEMBER:Loyal and generous. [Sexy]. Patriotic. Active in [games] and interactions. Impatient and hasty. [Ambitious]. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. [Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention]. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. [Changing personality]. Not egoistic. [Take high pride in oneself]. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

I couldn't use the strike feature so I put all the ones that don't apply in brackets. Sure, I'm patriotic, but not like the Bush family. I love my country but not because it's America, I love it because of all it allows me to have and to be, and because of where I live--guess I love the countryside as much as anything else. And am I really logical? I really question that one. My influence in organizations is something I always marvel at, but people do what I suggest and follow my lead, consistently.

I had such a good, positive thing going on this morning. Got organized, ready for work, left early, making good time, zipping right along and WHAM! hit the gravel along the shoulder, lost control of the car, spun 180 degrees, rolled the car down an embankment and ended up in a ditch on someone's lawn. Squealing tires, rolling in slow motion, blown out windows, debris all over the place, seatbelt bruise, headache & goose egg, bruised collarbone, ambulance ride to emergency room--the whole bit. I don't know if the car is totalled, but this is truly not what I need to have happen in my life right now. I can't tell you how many people have told me how lucky I am so far today. Yes, I'm lucky I wasn't hurt, or killed ( you should see the car). But no, I'm not lucky this happened to me. I need my car and I can't afford to buy a new one. Now I have to get a rental car (the insurance company gives me $25 a day for a rental: know what that gets you? shit! that's what), go to where my car's been towed and collect the amazing amount of shit that was in it and was tumbled all over the place when it rolled. 48 cans of Diet Coke, Ken's LL Bean boots that I promised to mail to be repaired, my soy milk, my Hawkeye Conservationists papers to work on today, my ATM card that I just found this morning in the car, my CD's, which were strewn all over the lawn when they flew out the rear window after it was smashed. There's really something fundamentally depressing about looking at your car after you've been in an accident in it. Especially when the damage is this severe.

But my weekend was nice, let's focus on that! Yesterday was a perfect early fall day. 40 in the morning when I got up, but warm sun made a big difference. At noon I went down to camp to sun on the dock with the brown girls. They loved it, I loved it. The lake was glassy but there were a few inconsiderate boats wanting to come oh-so-close to the dock to check it out. I left in late afternoon to get ready for a night out with Ken and the girls decided to go up the bluffs with some very fat strangers (Sorry about my dogs--"Oh no, thank you for them, it was great to have them along." Well, they do that once in a while, just follow people up the trail. "We loved having them with us." OK. duh). Anyway, Ken and I went to Steinhoff's and had a really nice meal and great visit, using up the $50 gift certificate he got. He was tickled to go out and not have to pay for it and the restaurant was quiet enough that we could actually converse.

Saturday I spent with fellow lakers--Executive Board meeting in the morning, annual meeting in the afternoon. It poured in the morning but was sort of sunny in the afternoon. The tax assessor was our guest speaker and he really is a nice man who defends his job and decisions very well. The group was nice to him but did want some very specific answers. It went well but was, unfortunately a small group. Ken said he was glad he wasn't there because he would have picked a fight with him.

And now I'm at work, having spent 2 1/2 hours in the emergency room this morning and half ana hour on the phone with the insurance company, then more time catching up with email and trying to get myself to a point where I can actually concentrate on my job. And now I have to take time to get the rental car, then get out to the repair place to get to my car. But I have no one to blame but myself. The state trooper was an absolute dream and came to the hospital (to give me my ticket for Speed Not Reasonable and Prudent--since I put a digger in someone's lawn; if you damage someone's property you automatically get a ticket in this state), telling me that if this happens again, take my foot off the gas and DO NOT apply the brake. And of course telling me that I'm very lucky. But DO NOT apply the brake. Foot off gas, no brake. Yes officer. Good advice.

Ah, the end of the week. Hard to believe I've been back at work for only 5 days, it seems as if I never left. I've spent the week cataloging and weeding, both rewarding activities, if repetitious and a bit mundane. The weeding is a bit cheery: there's light at the end of the fiction tunnel, as I'm in the SCH's. The cataloging is not as cheery, as the demand keeps increasing and the material continues to amaze me. This week's batch wasn't so bad: children's books. Plenty of SpongeBob SquarePants stuff, which goes really quickly. Infinitely preferrable to old videos, especially when one considers that children will actually WANT to read these books.

I dreamed that Tom Cruise was hot for my body last night. Now what was THAT all about? I hadn't seen anything about Tom Cruise, nor had I seen him on any show or in any movie. Nor do I particularly fancy Tom Cruise. I love the human brain, especially when it's "at rest" (not that it ever rests). Anyway we were working in tandem to reach the top of some building (impossible heights) and he was carrying me up the wall. What, am I climbing the walls here? A metaphor? The past two days are the first of this week that I have felt remotely normal and relaxed, actually enjoying myself and feeling happy to be at home with my dogs. Yes, they need more than I give them right now, but they're loving and sweet and relatively content with our routine. Tess' bout with faux mange is a reaction to ragweed, according to the vet (did I already cover this?). She's taking Prednisone for a month. I rushed them all to the vet on Wednesday, carefully isolating Tess from others in the waiting room. Mange, for the unitiated, is a disgusting and highly contagious skin parasite that pets of spam-sucking trailer trash and wild animals get. My dogs had it once before, got it from a wild animal in the woods, apparently, since I am NOT SSTT. If it had been mange it would have meant a series of injections of an insecticide over a period of 9 weeks for all three dogs. Is this better or worse? A month of steroids for what will now become Super Dog, what may become an annual event (an will occur during each Summer Olympics, too). She's still scratching but not as much, I guess. Everyone here is suffering from sinus problems. The goldenrod is in full bloom and so, apparently is the ragweed. Personally I think people confuse the two.

This weekend the shoreowners' association meets at our camp. My cousins/former in-laws were kind and cleaned it in preparation (I'm the offical hostess, as I am the secretary and chairperson of the Hospitality Committee, and volunteered the site, as I do each August). What they found was mountains of garbage, a filthy living room and a dispan full of water and dirty dishes. The last people there just walked out and left it that way. What is wrong with people? What were they thinking? Anyway, my Saturday afternoon will be spent in the presence of other laker people, a group I enjoy being part of and am happy to count as my friends. It's supposed to rain, so at least I won't feel cheated out of a nice summer afternoon. And Sunday dinner is being postponed to an actual dinner hour, in the evening, so that Ken and I can use a gift certificate for a nice restaurant he was given for his 90th birthday celebration. He's eager to see if we can eat and drink up the whole $50 worth. I said the drinking part will be easy but eating that much will be harder for the two of us.

Today is warm and sunny, hard to be indoors where it's cold and flourescently lit. I turned on the small heater at my feet this morning--I'm just so tired of being cold all day in the air-conditioning that blows on my cubicle all day every day. The vent is just above my head, and since I'm stationary during much of the day, it really sucks. No, it blows.

I overheard some of the board's Executive Committee meeting with their attorney last night. What I heard was this: the union's behavior was REPREHENSIBLE. huh? Not sure what we did that was so bad, but am sure the attorney needed to justify her fees. We had written a letter to the board members directly, explaining our stand and our feelings, and this was referred to as a POISON PEN LETTER. again, huh? Just warming them up for my grievance hearing, which is coming up soon. I meet with my union attorney in two weeks, oh boy I can hardly wait.

I bought a small can of nuts this morning at the drug store when I went to pick up my prescription, thank you dear sister. "Just try buying a can like this the next time you're hungry and at a rest stop or convenience store--it's much better than junk food and fills you right up." Yes, older sisters are very helpful and wise. And I really enjoyed watching her pick up her can each night as we watched a movie, eating a nut or two until all that was left were the peanuts. They promise the can includes "not more than 50% peanuts." How do you suppose they measure that? Suppose they come across a bunch of peanuts that weigh less than the average? Then you get more.

Life is returning to normal for me, or as normal as I know how to make it in August. I'm back at work after two weeks off, I'm back at my house by myself with my dogs. We're into our routine where the girls wake before I do and sit up, staring at me until I make a movement indicating I'll be getting up soon, then Tess gets on the floor and peeks at me with her head wedged next to the bureau by the bed, staring and trying to lick my face. I still have to let them out one at a time. When I got back from Rhode Island, having separated Tess from Chances for a week, it took Tess about 15 minutes to take Chances off for a quick walk to bring her up to date on the events of the week. They came back soon enough, though, sufficiently bonded and pleased.

I had a really nice time in Rhode Island but it's a confusing thing, re-defining a family that was once a family of five and is now a family of 3. We're all working it out, and we love each other very much. More important, we truly enjoy each other's company and make each other laugh a lot--to me this is crucial. So we laughed a lot, and enjoyed the ocean and did some things together and just spent time with each other. It was good, settling into our new roles as a three-woman group. We had Champlin's lobster rolls at our beach picnic and watched, white-knuckled, as children "played" in the surf. We swam at Molly's (Cyclone) Beach, where Mark says spam-sucking trailer trash go. We sat in the sand and watched the surf and lazed in the hazy sun at the town beach, our perennial favorite. We had breakfast at Jim's Dock, sitting on a deck just above the water while admiring the new high-speed Block Island ferry and a huge pleasure boat, sipping coffee endlessly and enjoying being together outside. We went to Mystic Aquarium and were able to identify the kind of frogs that are visiting Liza's pond (green frogs) and watched the sea lion show, where Rider, Coco, Surfer and Tabor performed great tricks and feats. We counted the frogs in Liza's pond at least twice a day and conjectured endlessly what happened to the little one's left hind foot. We were stalked by a snorting buck every, every single night (thanks to Chances, he never made it to the house). I slept in my favorite place, the gazebo in the woods. We watched South Park the movie and laughed and laughed, Unca Fucker, and blamed it on Canada. Thanks to Molly I was reunited with Talking Heads, and listened to them all the way home, volume turned up loud loud loud, singing at the top of my lungs (sugar on my tongue). We looked at so many pictures of us three children as cute young kids, at my father's generation as not-so-cute teenagers, my grandparent's house, my father, other ancesters--an endless list of people and places. Then we went to Walmart and made many, many copies of pictures so that now Molly and I have lots of pictures of our past and our family's past. This is nice.

And now I'm here, picking up my life where I left off. I tried to organize a slumber party in the boat house this weekend, the kernel of which was planted last year, but two of the lead characters aren't able to do it now so I think the deal's off. Ken and I were reunited Monday night over whiskey and a really nice visit. He stopped by last night to make dinner plans but I can't do it. I think Tess has mange (yes, mange--the sort of thing dogs owned by spam-sucking trailer trash, SSTT, have) so I have to take all three to the vet tonight and spend a lot of money getting them injected with Ivemectrin to kill the parasites. They get this from foxes who rub against bushes that they then rub against. It happened once before. Anyway, Ken got a $50 gift certificate at a restaurant in Wilmington for his 90th birthday celebration 2 weeks ago, so we're going there for dinner Sunday night. We're both excited to do that--he thinks we'll spend the entire amount. I think that's his goal, to eat and drink it all up. We'll see. I'm glad because we're going there in the evening, and I won't be spending all afternoon at Sunday dinner. Bill can't come because school starts this weekend.

And Saturday the Conservationists are meeting at Sonci. I used to get really nervous about this but now it's more of a chore. I haven't met my obligations to this group as well as I should have (what else is new). I'm working on the newsletter but so slowly, writing articles that are remotely interesting.

I like Jenica's description of her trip to the eye doctor and I can totally relate. It's great to have your eyes checked. I hate going but go every year because I get a free exam and free pair of glasses too. This year they talked me into bifocals rather than the trifocals I really need, these to help me with my work at the computer. So now I can't see far away but can work more comfortably at my desk. I use last year's glasses, all scratched, for driving and watching tv. A drag. I made an appointment with a chiropractor for next week, after talking to a friend who's doing his internship in chiropractic school about my carpal tunnel and neck trouble. The next day I go to Burlington for a bone density test, whatever that entails. It seems my medical things are continual, appointment after appointment. Guess that's what happens when you hit 50.

I cry less these days, but I find myself crying at odd times, and crying hard. The thoughts that Molly evoked in her description of Henry's cabin made me cry. Picturing the cabin, the garden, the pond and environs, made me think of my brother and his frame of mind when he was there. He just loved being there and I really enjoyed seeing him there. He couldn't walk past the garden without bending over to pull something out, pick something, or just take a look--the same way our father did. I thought about my family for about half of my trip home from Rhode Island, crying and thinking, missing people and wondering why some people do things that they do. I'm fiercely protective of myself and don't want to be hurt by anyone anymore. I feel myself reacting to things people do and by attitudes that I perceive are directed toward me and I get upset. I try not to let these things bother me but I want to be clear and strong and understood by people in my family, and I don't always feel that happens. It's something I work on and I feel great pressure about--pressure that comes from myself, granted, but pressure nevertheless.

And so today it's cloudy and fairly warm, a good day to be at work. It rained a little this morning. Supposed to be 60 tonight so it'll be a good night to spend in the boat house. When I get home from the vet--which might be as late as 8:00, I'll head down there, I hope, and sit on the porch to read. Let's see who's in camp.

For the first time this summer I had the "Yeah, this is it" feeling, sitting on the dock yesterday with my dogs, reading a book in the sun. It was windy, not the perfect dock day, but it was nice, the waves lapping against the rocks. Tess likes sitting on my lap while I sit in my green telescope chair, which makes it hard to read, but I like having a dog who likes me that much. She also can see much better than Chances can, so she barks and barks at sailboats that are far away, then continues to bark at them as they get closer...and closer...and closer. Apparently she doesn't understand how they can move without making the noise that powerboats make.

I've been staying in the boat house, have camp to myself but don't use main camp at all and am enjoying it immensely. I use my house, the shower at camp, the porch of the boat house--all of it as much or as little as I want, with a schedule that I want. It's grand. I had a meeting of the Hawkeye Conservationists Sat. afternoon that was ok, only lasted 2 hours. Yesterday evening was Ken's big 90th birthday celebration, a huge party at Fred's camp. It should have been a big, happy occasion for me, but I was on shaky ground before I got there, having been embraced and consoled by a friend before going down there, thus reminded that my dear wonderful brother died. When I got there I was faced with more wonderful caring people who wanted me to know how sorry they were that my brother died, then Jim and Keela showed up, and somehow seeing Jim just really was too much for me. We hugged hard and I cried a lot. Poor Ken. He looked at me and said "You've been crying, haven't you." He hates it when I cry. I have great friends, though, who took great care of me there. Anyway, the party was nice and I think not EVERYONE noticed I was crying like a fool. After that I went home and napped before going to the boat house for the night. Stood in the moonlight for a long time talking to Elsa (she tried to talk me into going skinnydipping with her but it was cold, too cold for me even if the water is warm). The motor isn't working but she's working on getting it fixed before the meeting on Saturday. Not my problem, I haven't even used it yet. As Jenica points out, it's not MY boat, it's CAMP'S boat.

So today I'm working in the morning (if you can call this work) and going to Placid in the afternoon to pick up my new glasses, then home to do whatever I feel like doing. Planting the last of the geraniums in the cemetery on the way home. Sitting on the dock if I want to. Then I have 2 weeks off. All I have to do is solve some union problems next week before I go to Rhode Island, put out a few fires hopefully. But my sister is coming this week and I get to be with her for a while, and Anna as well. And I'll get to see the Eldreds, probably my favorite cousins. They are really wonderful people and Cam is so caring and warm. Hopefully they'll spend the night.

The dogs have NOT been behaving well. They had a brief spell of being good but the other day they were delivered to me in a van by someone who was trying to drive down the road but couldn't because the dogs wouldn't move from in front of the van. Honestly! Yesterday the girls disappeared for 1.5 hours from the house and camp home soaking wet. Saturday they disappeared and Elsa discovered Tess playing with a Great Pyranees being walked down the road on a leash. It never ends. Jackson has been staying at the house by himself and seems quite happy with the arrangement. I love having 2 dogs with me and not listening to his incessant barking because he's not happy with what's going on or he IS happy with what's going on. It's a good arrangement.