It all comes back to me now
After a nice, healing weekend of doing nothing much but sleeping, I had a bit of a mental setback on the way to work this morning. Reality check about my accident. It suddenly occurred to me that yes, really bad things could have happened to me. I could have died. So I start to cry. And though I've been saying and thinking that it was fortunate there wasn't a telephone pole or the river or a tree next to where I went off the road, now I'm really concentrating on that, and I know I want to live, I don't want to die. Lucky thing, huh. I don't confront danger seriously, and I don't worry about myself--Molly's blog reminded me of that. What's the point in worrying about yourself? This is truly convoluted: you SHOULD worry about yourself, it's the only thing you really have control over. I haven't been afraid to drive since my accident, but I have relieved the whole thing, remembered what it was like to roll over, the vision of the ground coming up on the left side and everything in the car flying all over the place. I don't remember being upside down, but that was a fraction of a second, then I was right-side up with a WHAM! So today I cried about something that was not the death of my brother--for the first time since April, so that was sort of refreshing. And I know how strongly I feel about surviving, which I did know before, but it's always good to affirm these things.

For those of us who travel a lot, our cars are like houses on wheels. I cleaned out the Prius over the weekend--it's not my home, just an apartment I'm renting. I had started to move in, and I don't want to do that. Plus, now that I know that things can become projectiles, I'm even more careful about what's in the car. Removed the bottles of wine I bought for Sunday dinner. Removed the wire dog cage I had in the back. But I like this apartment, it's got wall-to-wall carpeting, big screen TV, central air conditioning, electric heat and a good sound system.

I had a nice weekend, if you call recuperating a nice thing. I slept a lot, but Saturday night I went to the boat house and sat on the porch in candlelight, doing crossword puzzles for a long time, sipping Jenica's tequila. That was really nice. Sunday night I did the same thing, but I read Mysteries of Pittsburgh instead. It was ungodly hot and humid all weekend. Sunday morning the brown girls and I hung out on the dock in the semi-sun, enjoying ourselves immensely. In the afternoon I was home for a bit and it was 80 outside and 80 inside. Then it rained and after 2 hours the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. Amazing. The lake is a lot quieter now, not as many people there and it seems that almost everyone who has a jet-ski has gone home. yahoo!

And now I'm back at work, just got a call from the car salesman wanting to know if the deal is still on and what's up. Yes, it's still on, I'm waiting for the insurance company to send money (call home, send money). Let's get this thing going, shall we?