One of the great things about living where I live and how I live is that I can go out on my deck, stark naked at 8 o'clock at night and bang two dog dishes together really loudly for as long as I want to to call in the brown girls. No one cares that I'm naked and no one cares how much noise I make. Plus, that's a real sign of spring: I'm outside at night, in bare feet and bareass and its NOT THAT COLD. Of course, 40 isn't exactly warm, but I was barefoot on my deck and there was no snow. Miracle of miracles. And of course the dogs came running up the driveway, as they always do when they hear metal on metal. They are really cute when they come running side by side like that, like a team of horses.

And mud season has arrived. I won't be driving to the house for a while. I almost got stuck last night when I got home from work, got buried well into my tires by the house. There's still snow in the yard and the woods, but the driveway is thawing. Huge mud wallow in front of the house and at the bottom of the driveway. So I hauled out my Wellies and slogged on down this morning, inhaling the dampness of the snow melting. I love the smell of early spring but it's really hard on my asthma. Good over bad, though, I enjoy it enough to overcome the wheezing. Scissors cut paper.

I think Ken and I have reached the saturation point with each other. We have run out of things to say. We sit in silence for part of the evening. I'm tapped, completely tapped. We recount the events of the day (how much can I say about which audio books I cataloged for Saranac Lake?), talk about the pope's feeding tube and Terry Schiavo, still alive. I did finally ask him why it would be all right to remove HIS feeding tube if he were in her state (Fla.)(no, vegetative) but it's not all right to remove hers. He said I was right, there is no difference between the two situations. Tonight I expect to hear more on this, he will mull it over all day in his solitude.

This weekend we turn our clocks ahead to what Ken calls "Fast Time." I can't believe how light it will be, since it's already light until nearly 7 o'clock now. It seems that spring is coming really quickly. Ken saw a chipmunk already, and it's really early. The lake is getting dark, which means the ice is getting thinner. The sun is high in the sky and warm, very warm. I don't have a fire every night (although it does get cold in the living room, I admit--I'm just really tired of building fires). The dogs have wanderlust. If I let him, Jackson disappears for hours every night. Last night I walked him on a leash twice when he needed to pee and poop. He thought that was really, really queer, but he made his potty like a good boy.

And of course Henry is always in my thoughts. Driving to and from work I think back to last year, what he was going through, what we were all going through. It was awful, and who could believe that he would die. Not my brother, so full of life and so determined in all he did. There are so many times when I still can't believe he's dead, when he's so alive to me. What an amazing person he really was.

Back in the land of the working/living. Went to Rhode Island, survived the trip, health actually improved while I was there. Since we rarely do much more than sit around the living room and visit (and drink wine, Limoncello and eat) it wasn't a strenuous trip and I did manage to recuperate from my bronchitis. I called my doctor, who scolded me for going back to work, but said it would take me a long time to feel better. She was right. Now I'm still coughing and snorting (like a horse, no?) but am on the road to recovery. Have 2 more doses of antibiotics left.

Rhode Island was peaceful, not sad as I expected. I am doing all right during this time. I apparently did my mourning, had a depressive episode last month. And what an episode it was. Now I feel ok, I can think of my brother without crying, can remember the wonderful things we did together, the wonderful things he did for me and the joy he brought me. We spent a week together one Thanksgiving when Jenica was in college--he drove out in his truck, came early and stayed at my house, just the two of us. It was the year he began sculpting the landscape around my home. I went to work on Monday morning and told him he could cut down any and as many trees as he wanted. "REALLY?! No one ever said that to me before!" When I came home I was appalled at what I saw: a big huge bare space. He was really nervous about what I'd say, and he asked what I thought. It looks great! I said, I'd never let him know what I really thought, that too many trees were down. "If you live on top of a hill you should have a view," he said. "You should be able to see Whiteface, Catamount, Douglas and Silver Lake Mountain." The next day I went to work again, wishing him good luck and lots of fun. Gradually his sculpting took shape and by the end of the week my land looked wonderful, beautiful, with a spectacular view of the mountains--something I'd never envisioned. I didn't realize I had that view, but he knew it was there. There was one tree, though, that he couldn't cut--it would land on the power line. Boy how that pine tree drove us both crazy over the years. As the years passed he continued to fine-tune the view, always cutting a tree here, a tree there, and I always told him he could cut as many trees as he wanted. I loved watching him cut trees--it was truly one of the great joys of his life.

And now I'm back from my mother's house and I can report that she is doing all right. Her snow is melting fast and the daffodils are up about 5 inches, her snowdrops are in bloom and I saw a crocus blooming as well. She's got a lot more spring than we do here. There's still no bare ground around my house but I'm starting to have problems getting up my driveway, there's mud at the bottom. The driveway is the first to go in mud season. I had a nice Easter with Liza and Mark. We went to inspect the town beach, amid rumors that it had shrunk terribly with the storms of fall and winter. Well, there's not much of it left at high tide. The ocean was beautiful, a deep, deep blue, and it was a clear day. You could see Block Island, Point Judith and there were gentle waves (and a loon!). But the beach was definitely missing. The last time this happened the town trucked in a lot of sand to create a new beach. Let's see what they do this year. As Liza says, there are plenty of beaches for us to go to.

I boarded Jackson while I was gone and when he got home he barked to be let in, barked to be fed then climbed on the couch and went to sleep as if the whole episode had been a dream. Funny boy. The brown girls had a grand visit to Liza's. Tess and Liza's dog adore each other and tear the house apart playing--they rough house and we let them do it for as long as we can stand it before throwing them in the pen. Someone ate half of the dead fish from the pond but it wasn't my dogs, they didn't have time. So far there were 2 dead fish, don't know about fish #3. Big fish.

And Ken missed me while I was gone, he said it 3 times. "It's just not right when you're not here in the neighborhood." We had a good visit last night and caught up on the news. Terry Schiavo and the Pope are still alive. He collected $4 more for the iceout pool. Our friends the Holts were here for the weekend with the plans for their new house--they plan to start construction this summer. Ken and I are back on track, I'll stop there tonight.

And now work beckons. Catalog that iron mining collection for Port Henry.

And now I'm back at work, day 2 of that. The nurse practictitioner/PA/whatever I saw said I should call today if I weren't feeling better. How much better should I be feeling? is the question of the day. I'm still coughing and my ears are still congested. So I did what my mother told me (at least 5 times) to do when I spoke to her last night: I called the doctor's office. They will call me back to tell me what to do. The receptionist seemed to think that 4 days of antibiotics should have had more of an effect. Perhaps, who knows. Anyway, I can't get to work before 10:15 because I can't get to sleep before 1:30 and therefore can't get up anywhere near 6:30. Last night Jackson was outside for 4.5 hours, from 11:30 to 4. In my illness/sleepy/dream-tainted haze between 3:30 and 4 I had him gone from my life for good (what 13 year old dog can be gone during the night for that many hours and still return? Oh how lucky am I to have an indestructible dog, a wanderer who takes long, meandering walks in the early spring nights). Well, it was a good thought while it lasted.

So today I feel...crummy but not horrible. My brother's "situation" of last year of course is a weight I'm carrying right now, as are we all. I seem to have had my intense reaction for the past few weeks and am now coming out from under it. As Ken says, it will always be with me and I will never get over it. I suppose the hardest part is ahead of me: visiting with my mother this weekend for Easter. It's always hard for me to be at her house, where Henry and I shared a lot of really nice visits. I miss him a lot when I'm there. But I feel strong, happy with my life, able to cope, optimistic about spring (oh the power of the weather) and ready to enjoy things. I just feel sick, that's all.

And, miracle of miracles, there's real progress in the healing of Ken's foot! Two of the wounds have healed completely, as of last night. He and I were thrilled. Two down, one to go. We had our dinner together last night and a nice visit. I took Tess instead of Chances, and boy was Chances pissed! Tess behaved much better than she normally does, slept the whole time, which really impressed Ken. And me. Anyway, we're both feeling great relief about this and are hopeful for more progress.

And now I'll catalog more crap for the Port Henry library.

Home sick, day 2. Been sick for nearly a week, got worse over the weekend so (to my sister's relief) went to the doctor yesterday. Have bronchitis, an ear infection and of course, problems with asthma. Got 6 meds to work with, including antibiotics, prednisone, Robitussion with codeine (which does NOT, despite her promises, help me sleep, but it does quiet my cough), 2 inhalers and a decongestant. So now I'm set. Went to the grocery store yesterday to set in supplies but had to go back to town today to have oil changed and tires rotated on car. That took a long time but I read, drank coffee and relaxed in their spiffy new headquarters and didn't feel quite as ill as yesterday. Read an article in that fine scientific journal People about the author of The power of now, who says you should focus not on the past or the future, but on the moment at hand (live in the now, sound familiar, Baby Boomers?). Focus on each breath, notice its temperature. Notice the things in nature without identifying or categorizing them (that's a tough one for me). So I will try these and will order his book for the library system and take a look at it.

I'm listening to John Grisham's latest book, The broker. I really liked that last one I listened to, about life in a small town in the American south. So far this one has had 5 murders and I'm on the fourth CD. This one I like not so much, but one of the characters has been put in witness protection in northern Italy and his observations about Italian culture are interesting. For example, he thinks Italians haven't really mastered the American concept of waiting in line one person behind the other. Also, in Europe he feels that, contrary to America, space is not to be protected but shared. This is true in restaurants, in conversations, etc. I thought these two things were interesting and pretty good for Grisham.

So today is another mid-40's and blindingly bright sunny day. Snow is slowly melting (Ken says the melting is taking place from the bottom up). It feels more like early April than March, but this is the time of year when the weather CANNOT be trusted. Dogs haven't been hit with spring fever yet. Wish I felt better, I'd be walking them. The quality of the sun is so great, much brighter than the winter sun. I want to buy pansies, though, and that won't happen for a long, long time. I'll begin the search for pussy willows.

And the treatment of Ken's foot continues. It's looking better at last--I can see progress and healing. On Friday I'm due to go to RI for 4 days (I should feel well enough by then) and he'll be without me on Sat. and Sun. (I agreed to stop on my way out Friday and on my way home Monday). Last night he told me he'd miss me while I was gone. I find that hard to believe, I've been terrible company lately, I feel so lousy and am not great at conversation. Hopefully tonight I'll be a little livelier.

Busy week. Weekend was just a weekend, nothing special. Sunday dinner as usual. Saturday spent relaxing, did the smallest amount of cleaning I could do. Monday was a regular work day. Tuesday I went to Albany to lobby with my state legislators for increased library funding (or at least no more cuts). I used to do this trip every year but have managed to escape being tapped on the shoulder to go for the past 5 or so years. This year, however, the director assigned me the task of organizing the CEF contingent. I could only muster 4 other bodies, and that was by imposing on my friends. We left our homes by 6:30, got to Albany for our first appointment at 10:00, second appointment at 10:30, last at 11:30. Met with all three who represent our patrons in Albany, explained how important what we do is to society, the world, etc. It actually went pretty well this year. I think it's pretty funny that people turn to me to speak, to lead, to be in control. WHY? Anyway, I spoke, I lead, I wasn't really in control since there were others there from our neighboring library systems, plus our previous director and the school librarian from Lake Placid. We stopped for lunch in Saratoga, hoping to have crepes in a restaurant that Julie and I discovered during a conference, but lo, it was closed on Tuesdays, so we ate instead at the Indian restaurant we had eaten at during a different conference. It was good, we were all buoyed by our boldness and sense of accomplishment at dealing with our legislators. Got home by 5:30, went to Ken's (am still treating his foot daily).

Wednesday I discovered I have a cold, settled in my chest and throat so that I sound terrible. Slight fever but don't feel too awful. Had to go to Lake Placid to begin the barcoding process. Again, why do people wait for me before beginning? I was late getting there, met the 2 people from CEF who participated, plus about 6 volunteers and staff from the library there. They were all waiting for me ("HERE she is!") and my instructions. The 2 from CEF have barcoded before, are perfectly capable of taking over the process and instruction. I instructed, was cheerleader to all and away we went. There I was, in my ex-husband's home town, where he had, the day before, BEEN ELECTED MAYOR. Hard to believe that the man I married in 1985, who was barely literate and needed incredible amounts of coaching in the art of public speaking, office politics, reading newspapers, etc., is now the mayor of his home town. But I suppose stranger things have happened. I told the retired librarian there, whom I've known for 20 years, that I taught him all he knows. Then I laughed and said of course that's not true (but we all know it's pretty close to the truth). So we barcoded all day and they fed us lunch. I stayed until 4, others left at 3. Got a lot done, rewarded myself with a shopping trip to the Bass outlet store across the street, wooed by the huge SALE! sign in the window. Bought 2 pairs of shoes, socks, new wallet and a t-shirt (which they inadvertently didn't charge me for, I discovered when I got home). I need no more pairs of shoes but sometimes, when they're on sale, I hear a voice in my head instructing me to buy, buy, buy. You'll never be sorry you bought them, only that you didn't. Oh, that's just not true.

Yesterday I woke, barely able to speak. Didn't feel that bad but had a fever so stayed home. Slept from 10-2, spent the rest of the afternoon lying on the couch watching tv with the dogs (yes, Tess watches tv). Went to Ken's, felt lousy enough to fail at making conversation, the poor man. When I finally was able to extricate myself from his house he said "Oh, are you leaving now?" I thought he'd be happy to be rid of me, I was such poor company. But I realize that ANY company is better than being alone for him, and he's always hoping I'll perk up. I'll try to do better tonight.

So today I slept in, came to work at 10 and here I am, 1.5 hrs. later, having accomplished very little. Must drop off prescription, pay bills online (is that why I came to work--because I have to go to the drug store, which is in Pbg., and because there's a better connection here than I have at home?), will try to get a little work done. I have a slight fever but don't feel terrible. Bad enough so that if I stayed home I wouldn't be doing anything anyway and I'm behind in my work here, much worthless crap to catalog for the Port Henry library. Phone calls to return. I hate that, though, because I sound so bad, croaky, that everyone will want to have a conversation with me about how sick I must be.

The weather has been wonderful, early-spring perfect. 30's and sunny, great for slow melting of snow. It was cold and crisp this morning, with the smell of spring (what I could smell, plugged up that I am). We're having a good March, lucky this year. No big snows this year, done for now with sub-zeros. The days are long and the sun is bright and warm. I agree with Molly that winter is over, but we're in limbo between winter and spring. We have this in-between season that no one else would recognize. Can't really say it's spring, there's no discernible sign of anything spring-like, like buds on trees--but sometimes you can find pussy willows. The snow is melting, though, and has a revolting crust on top. This is a good thing, a very good thing. The chickadees are making their spring song, totally different from their winter chick-a-dee-dee-dee. We like to hear this.

This morning I went to the Chamber of Commerce's Legislative Breakfast. Our three state representatives were there and all three spoke. Our State Senator is a 60+ woman, who is well-spoken, incredibly well-informed about the issues and is a fantastic person to have representing us in Albany. I was really impressed and so happy to hear her. I was sitting about 6 feet away from the podium so this was really cool. My Assemblyman is someone who is a close friend of the family of my ex-husband and I've known him for dozens of years. He was always a bit pompous but now he has risen to new heights of pomposity. In November he was re-elected by such a narrow margin that they waited until the absentee ballots were counted before declaring him the winner. You'd never know it to hear him speak now, just a few months later. Like our President, he seems to feel his re-election was a mandate from the people. The third speaker was an Assemblywoman from Essex County, our poorer relative to the south, who is a "commoner" and sounds and acts like one. Everyone was surprised when she got elected, I think she's from a farm background. She sounds as if she's trying really hard but doesn't quite grasp the concept of state government. Nice to have two women up there, though. And I had a nice breakfast. It was at the Holiday Inn and--get this, they ran out of coffee cups at the buffet. What a pisser.

So my mood is good today, a rare thing these days. I made it to the breakfast by 7:40, not bad for me. It started at 7:30 but the speakers didn't speak until about 8:00. I didn't really know anyone there, just a few people and they didn't sit at my table. A lot of men in suits, all businessmen. ugh.

Am still enjoying my visits with Ken, he and I are resigned to making this foot thing be a nice experience for both of us. We laugh and talk a lot about current events. He had the caretaker for one of the camps he's wanted to check on visiting him yesterday when I got there ("Elizabeth, you're right on time--you said you'd be here at 5 and you are!"). Robert had already been to the Hord's and all was well there so Ken was pleased. It's frustrating for him not to get to the places he likes to check on during the winter but he's being a really good sport about it.

Tonight I'll go grocery shopping and to the liquor store. Get Ken a backup bottle of Southern Comfort, he's almost out. Myself a bottle of dry vermouth for my drinks, and a bottle of wine for Sunday. That'll be the highlight of my getting out and about, then I'll head home for the weekend. We might be getting a storm tomorrow, but I think they decided it would hit the eastern shore of Lake Champlain so we'll be ok in Hawkeye. GOOD! Let's get rid of our snow, not get more. Like Jenica, I'm sick of winter and really itching for spring.

I need to watch my videos this weekend. I still haven't seen Garden State, have had the library's copy for weeks and weeks. I have 3 videos from Blockbuster.com that I've had so long I don't even remember what they are. This is like an assignment for myself. I don't have to clean much, did enough of that last weekend preparing for company, and didn't mess up much during the week. If I were the type, I'd make a public declaration that I'm going to do my taxes this weekend and that would be enough of a commitment to make me do it. Doesn't work that way for me, though, I won't be embarrassed if I say I'm going to do them and don't. I should at least look to see if I'll have to pay or get a refund--that might make a difference in my attitude toward the task.

What I really need to do this weekend is walk the dogs. Yes, that's what I'll do. They're soooo tired of my spending time at Ken's. If they were children they'd be wetting the bed (wait--one of them sometimes does!) and whining (wait--one of them always does!). What the third ones does is chew things, and Chances has reverted to some chewing behavior as well. Swell.

He... Helium. You scored 15 Mass, 5 Electronegativity, 5 Metal, and 0 Radioactivity!

That's odd, our tests indicate that you did not just take this test. In fact, we're not even sure you exist. Oh, wait, no, somebody just found indirect evidence of you in the deep Earth and in the Sun. Okay, so you're real, but man, you need to get out more. Actually, you're pretty cool, always doing your own thing, but we kinda wish that you would interact with us a bit more. On a positive note, I think some research lab in Berkeley has managed to put you into a psuedo-stable relationship that, if you're kept very cold, you won't walk away from... or maybe that was Xenon. I forget.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif">>http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif">>http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif">>http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif">> Y...YttriumYou scored 52 Mass, 24 Electronegativity, 58 Metal, and 10 Radioactivity! Yttrium? Yttrium??? You're messing with me, right? That's not a real element. Really? If you say so. Okay... how about: You are really a solitary creature, and you're somewhat set in your ways. You work, consciously or subconsciously, towards the betterment of society, but I guess you do this by befriending it's strangest elements. You're kind of a spaceman/woman, but in the end you're allright. You should try to be with the benign weirdos of the world because, by goodness, no one else will. Oh, it says here that you are abundant on the moon. Interpret as you will. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Mass You scored higher than 66% on Electroneg You scored higher than 66% on Metal You scored higher than 99% on Radioactivity Wednesday, March 09, 2005 I went to the doctor this morning, my internist for a follow-up after increasing the dosage of my thyroid med. I had hoped for a miracle weight-loss but nothing like that happened. I told him I was sure something was wrong with me but he very kindly told me that generally when there's something really wrong with people (like cancer) they suffer from dramatic weight loss. OK, so he has a point. Then we talked about my lethargy and borderline depression. Many factors. Weather, brother's death, work situation, etc. He thinks there's a possibility my problem is hormonal. First we'll try increasing the dosage of one of my antidepressants for a few weeks. I see him again in 6 weeks. I see my psychiatrist in 3 weeks. Doctors, doctors. This doctor is a wonderful, kind, funny man and I think he's a really good doctor. Last night I went to the doctor with Ken for the follow-up foot visit. His news was good but not great. No more antibiotics but we have to soak and treat the foot for another month. I think we'll both go mad. I asked the doctor if we could do it every other day and he said "Not really." I said, how about every day for 2 weeks, then every other day after that. "Maybe." I said it's just really hard for both of us to do this. He said it's also very important to continue with this treatment until these cuts are completely healed or they could still become infected. OK, OK, I get the message. Ken was a little discouraged but he also felt good about the antibiotics thing and I cheered him up by telling him that the doctor was very encouraged by the way the foot looked. Since the doctor mostly spoke directly to me and Ken couldn't hear what he said, I had to tell him about the whole thing. It's not really fair when doctors treat elderly patients that way but I understand why they do it. Anyway we went out for dinner (if you can call food at Friendlys that) then went home to soak his foot and have a drink. I got home at 8:30. I had left work at 2, home by 3, back to Plattsburgh by 4. Chances ripped up a bunch of stuff because she was mad that I'd left her at home. She's behaving very poorly during all of this foot stuff. Cold day today, very windy and -7 this morning. At least we didn't get the foot of snow that Vermont got yesterday. I would find that very discouraging. I'm still tired of winter and in particular of carrying and burning wood, but at least I have wood to burn. I'll take some to Liza when I go there for Easter--which is coming soon, very soon. Tonight I'm cooking leftover pork roast with mashed potatoes (which I made last night) and gravy for Ken's dinner. He could eat mashed potatoes and gravy every night, I think. I have to buy canned gravy at the store, though, I have no pan drippings to use for homemade gravy. I'll doctor it up a bit. All is quiet at work. I'm getting stuff ready to take to the legislators next week when I go to Albany to lobby for financial aid for libraries. I haven't done this for about 5 years but was assigned the responsibility of coordinating our efforts this year in the director's absence. yuck. We just got a color laser printer so I'm playing with charts to hand out. I am so tired of winter, I can't wait for some sign of spring. I heard a chickadee's spring song a couple of weeks ago but he seems to have shut right up since then. Monday, March 07, 2005 I was driving to work today--very late, as I was once again unable to get myself out of bed and then preferred to play with Chances, who had her bowl in her mouth. Anyway, uneventful ride except that my windshield washer didn't seem to work on the driver's side. So I get closer to work, to West Plattsburgh and all of a sudden I'm thinking about my abusive boss, who is now enroute to Labrador for 3 weeks, will then return for a month before she retires, yes retires to leave my library system forever. I started to cry. I kept crying all the way to the library, sitting in my car in the driveway, crying. Here I am again, in an abusive relationship (though not one I volunteered to be in) and I'm facing the end of it and I'm realizing how awful it's been so it's all coming crashing down around me just how awful it's been for so many years. I can't realize how bad these things are while they're going on because then I'd go crazy. Now that the end is (hopefully) in sight, I can just barely begin to comprehend what a profound, destructive and awful effect this woman has had on me for the past 5 years. So now I'm dealing with the complexity of my feelings about her leaving. It should be joy, relief, happiness and a sense of relief, optimism about the future, but noooooo she's ruined that for me too! Well, life goes on and so do I. The good news is that we were supposed to have a huge winter storm today with lots of snow (so much they couldn't even figure out how much) but they cancelled the storm and now it's warming up and isn't half bad out. Good! No more snow! But what would I do if we had a real amount of snow? We only have about a foot & a half on the ground. Nice weekend, in some ways. I was not able to accomplish much on Saturday, being in the middle of whatever this is I'm going through--depression, thyroid problem, nervous breakdown, blight, who knows. I did start cleaning my living room and managed to clear off my dinner table (no small task) in preparation for serving Sunday dinner at my house. I finished the job Sunday morning so that the house actually looked ok (well, parts of it did) and I had Ken and Bill come for pork roast, mashed potatoes and broiled asparagus. They stayed a long time and Bill and I discussed various ways I could rearrange my house. Ken suggested a dig underneath my deck and have a garage put there. Bill thought I should do that this spring. Intriguing idea. Ken wants me to have a garage before he dies. I don't want a separate structure, there's no good place to put it--I don't want to look at it. Maybe I'll have an estimate done, I don't know. I have to put on new decking so if it's not too expensive I could do the garage thing. But it would seem strange, very strange. I had to go to Ken's last night to treat his foot. Stayed 2 hours, had a good visit. He told me about the church he went to as a child, until they rode up to it in their Model T one Sunday and it wasn't there because it had burned down. Saturday night we went out for dinner for Ken's 91st birthday. Had a good time, Lin & Ralph joined us so it was festive and a real social occasion. There was a liquor company with it's huge bus there (Jagermeister) and after dinner the owner came around with test tubes full of liquor, selling shots for $2. To my great surprise Bill had one, so I had one too. Yahoo. On the way to the restaurant we saw a deer curled up in a little ball, sleeping by the side of the road. . I've seen the grass beaten down from where they've done this but I've never seen them doing this before. They just do it sometimes. Then we saw an accident, a woman had somehow gotten her truck stuck about 10' high into the trees. Ralph was scornful of the whole thing because he didn't think that kind of truck had enough power to get that high into the trees. No one was hurt, but there was the truck, hanging in the trees. Much speculation about what happened--how DO you get a truck in the trees like that? I of course started thinking about what it felt like to roll my car. Wonder how long those feelings will be with me. And now it's nearing the end of a day made short by my mental state. I have to stop at Ken's on the way home but will then have some hours at home with my dogs. It's warmer at night now (although it was only 6 this morning) so my house is very cozy and I don't have to burn as much wood. I still have plenty left, though, which feels really great. I would dispute a lot of this, except hopefully that my brain leans female and that I'm a giver. People always take advantage of me emotionally because I trust people and believe what they say. Could we use these Web tests to find out enough about ourselves that we wouldn't need professional help? they could tell us what kind of childhoods we had and how that made us feel about ourselves as adults, what kinds of relationships we had with our parents and siblings and ourselves. How we are as supervisors and employees. How honest we are. Gosh, that would be great. Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you! What'>http://www.blogthings.com/genderbrainquiz/">What Gender Is Your Brain? Wednesday, March 02, 2005 Well now it's morning and I feel better, more rational, sane again. That dog poop will get you every time. I hate that smell permeating my house. And yes, I am tired of soaking old man's foot and answering the question "How does it look?" every night before I have a chance to get home to my dogs and my own house, no matter how late my meetings have gone, no matter what time it is or how much snow there is on the ground or how cold it is outside. Every night. But I love the man dearly and really am happy to be able to do something for him. Tonight I have a meeting that will last until 5:30, then I will cook dinner for Ken and will not get home to my dogs or my house until probably 8:30. My fire will be out, my house will be cold and I will be tired. But Ken will be happy. I agreed last night to take an afternoon off to drive him to the doctor. This simple act made an old man so very, very happy and relieved him of such anxiety, and is so easy for me to do that there would be no reason for me not to do it. I can't understand why people don't behave this way more. There's a bumper sticker that says "Practice random acts of kindness." That's the religion I feel like subscribing to. This whole episode with Ken really has taught me that it's so easy to be kind to people and they need that and appreciate that (well, some people do) so much. I already knew this, but here's a man who never lets people do anything EVER for him, and he's finally letting me do things for him (whether I want to or not). So that's my mood today. When you read my mood last night you'll know why I wrote this. My cousin Nip says my doing so much for Ken is helping me heal. I don't know if that's true--I cried a lot on the way to work this morning. As the calendar year closes in on Henry's death I'm feeling sadder and sadder. I can't believe my brother's been dead for a year, it feels as if I had a brother just a short time ago. And yet it feels as if I've been missing him for a long time. It finally stopped snowing and we must have about a foot of new snow. I will call Roger today and leave a message that I'd like to have my driveway plowed, please. Whether he will or not is anyone's guess. I was going to rough it and walk from the road to my house, but why would I do that? I mean, really? What's up with that behavior? Friday I have to figure out a way to treat Ken and make it to a meeting in Wadhams, an hour from here, to be at a library fundraiser that's from 6-8. I guess I could go home early to take care of him. I don't know how single parents ever manage their schedules. And now back to Port Henry's books. Yesterday it was Dr. Stanley's book on exploring Africa, not really called "Dr. Livingston, I presume," but it did have "Dr. Livingston" in the title. These people really need to get their collection in order. Tuesday, March 01, 2005 The amazing power of tranquilizers. I can tell I'm wearing down on this "soaking Ken's foot" thing. Tonight, in the snowstorm I had to exchange the floodlights that I bought for him last night (I got the 75 watt bulbs, he wanted the 150 watters), so I went to Lowes on my way home. Got to Ken's, climbed on the ladder & put in the new bulb. Easy, pleasant, no problem. Had a drink, soaked the foot, listened ad nauseum to the tales of the visitors he had today, including someone who used to be caretaker for friends here on the lake but who is basically a self-centered (Republican) in-for-his-own-good person. So I hear about Leo for an hour ad nauseum. He got caught selling his shifts as a corrections officer and it cost him a lot of money not to go to jail. Do I feel sorry for him? not in the least. Anyway, I have an ok time with Ken but admit that I'm watching the clock, and at 7 say I have to go. Not just yet, says Ken, I want to show you what I accomplished today. So we go through the dining room and look over the shelves that he cleaned today and the things he discovered. Finally I escape into the snow, heading home at last. Of course Roger has not plowed so I park at the end of the driveway and walk with my flashlight (which I so smartly remembered to put in the car in the morning) to the house, lugging all the stuff I have in the car that I need tonight. What greets me in my home, my house, my refuge? The overwhelming stench of dog shit. Jackson has shit all over the rugs, two huge piles of runny shit. I hate that smell, can't stand it in my house. So I cry, fed up with care of old men, old dogs, and dog shit. I throw the dogs out, put on rubber gloves, get out the plastic bags and paper towels and clean up the mess. Burn incense but still the smell is in my nostrils. I can't get rid of it and I cry and cry. I have another week of care of Ken's foot to go and I just offered to take the afternoon off for his next appointment so he won't have to drive home alone in the dusk. WHERE ARE HIS CHILDREN? I love him dearly and of course would do anything for him: but ALL the time? I have to drive 30 miles home from Platts., turn around and drive the same 30 miles over again to get him to the doctor, then drive the same 30 miles again to get him home. Plus I'll take him to have his blood tested so he won't have do drive himself another time to do that again. I sense a pattern emerging here... So pardon this rant, this teary spew. I don't want this dog, he shits in the house if I don't get home in time, and I don't get home in time because I'm taking care of dear Ken. It's snowing and Roger doesn't seem to be plowing my driveway this winter. I may have enough wood to get me through tonight but I'll just have to get up earlly (not my forte) to have enough to stoke the stove for the day tomorrow. BUT: I had a voice mail message from my insurance company sayaing they're mailing me a check for my $250 deductible from my Dec. accident (when the woman ran the red light). After all, tomorrow is another day. BIG SNOW WATCH OUT they've been calling for 3 days now. First they said "Measure in feet, not inches." Now they're calling for 6-12" Well that's pretty absurd: how much will it be, 6 inches or 12 inches? There's a huge difference there. 6 inches, to be exact. If it's 6 inches I won't need my driveway plowed but if it's 12 I will. Make up your minds!!! Most people here say that if the meteorologists got paid every time they were right they'd be pretty poor. It's been blowing and snowing all day but I can only see the driveway between our building and the library next door so I have no idea how much snow has fallen. We had about 4" of powdery snow this morning when I left for work (late--en route to have my blood tested). Supposed to snow all day and all night, I think. Winter storm warning until 7 a.m. tomorrow. I had my blood tested this morning to see if my thyroid is functioning right yet. I don't think it is. I sleep and sleep on the weekends, and have no energy or desire to do anything. I drag myself out of bed to get to work almost but never really on time. At night I can't bring myself to do anything but sit on the couch, do crosswords and watch tv. This could be depression but I'm not really crying enough for it to be that. Then there's the weight: I gained 20 pounds in a year without changing my eating habits, and I haven't lost any weight since we increased my dosage of my thyroid med. I see the doctor next week for further discussion. If this is not my problem I don't know what is but I sure would like to find out. I'm tired of being fat and lazy. I worked on the Port Henry books this morning. One of them was Dr. Stanley's book about meeting Dr. Livingston in Africa, the original publication. Yesterday I cataloged John Muir's book about Yosemite, illustrated with photographs by Ansel Adams. These books should really be sold on eBay to raise money for REAL books that REAL patrons might want to read. Had a board meeting last night. They approved my settlement with CEF (aka the director) regarding her written reprimand. A new reprimand has been written, so obviously not by her (it actually makes sense and is not the ramblings of a vindictive lunatic). They propose that the reprimand goes in my file for a year and if there's been no "recoccurrence of an incident of the same or similar nature as to that which is alleged to have occurred" the reprimand will be removed. The reprimand is actually quite mild and does not paint me as a lunatic the way the other one did. Nor, unfortunately, does it paint the director as one. I had thought the reprimand would NOT go in my file unless there were a repeat occurrence so must clarify that before signing the agreement. I have until Thursday to sign and have faxed it to my union rep. Will be good to put this behind me. I had a pretty lousy weekend. Sleep too much, felt too sad. Did manage to get to the dump on Saturday and got rid of my magazines and many empty plastic Gatorade jugs (after Tess took a lot of them out to play with them as I was packing stuff up--she loves the deep BOOM! BOOM! noises they make banging against each other). I also walked down to Ken & Bill's camp below my house to inspect it for broken windows or downed trees. Hah! found a tree that had come down so the trip was worth it. No damage done, just a rotten balsam that missed the building. It was on Sunday afternoon after dinner, in the sunshine so it was pretty and a good thing to do to move around after a big meal. Then I went home and lay down on the couch to doze. Watched part of the Oscars that night, staying up too late because I couldn't sleep. This insomnia continues to trouble me, even when I don't take naps during the day. I'm stopping at Ken's every day still, for another week at least. His foot looks better but not that different. A slow healing process. He tried putting the band aids on himself but got really discouraged when they stuck to his sock instead. Of course, we had switched to a different kind of band aid, which was really the problem. He's letting me do things for him a little more, get things for him in town and tonight we're planning to change the bulb in the floodlight over his front door--even if it's snowing, I told him. I got 75 watt bulbs and have to take them back because he said he'd really rather have 150 watters. Gives me a chance to buy another cute little miniature variegated scheflera and put the 2 of them in a bigger pot for my desk. I bought a deep red miniature rose that's covered with blossoms, was going to bring it to work but decided to keep it at home instead. My narcissus have just finished blooming and I'd like some flowers. My Easter cactus is just starting to bloom. And now it's 4 and I have to brave the elements to get on home to Ken. The roads were terrible coming to work this morning but many of the schools were closed so there wasn't much traffic. What traffic there was was moving verrrrrry slowly, though so it took forever to get here. I'm in no hurry to get home so I can take my time. I have "The heart is a lonely hunter" to listen to if I want to start it. I've sort of been putting it off but maybe today is a good time to start it. ">Link ">Link Well, not much on here that I've read, I have to say, and not much on here that I really want to read, either. List of the top 110 banned books. Bold the ones you've read. Italicize the ones you've read part of. Bold and italicize the ones you specifically want to read (at least some of). *My addition: Asterisk next to ones you've seen the movie version of #1 The Bible #2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain #3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes #4 The Koran #5 Arabian Nights #6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain #7 Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift #8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer #9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne #10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman #11 Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli #12 Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe #13 Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank #14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert #15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens #16 Les Misérables by Victor Hugo #17 Dracula by Bram Stoker #18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin #19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding #20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne #21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck #22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon #23 Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy** #24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin #25 Ulysses by James Joyce #26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio #27 Animal Farm by George Orwell #28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell #29 Candide by Voltaire #30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee #31 Analects by Confucius #32 Dubliners by James Joyce #33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck #34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway #35 Red and the Black by Stendhal #36 Capital by Karl Marx #37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire #38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle #39 Lady Chatterley's Lover by D. H. Lawrence #40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley #41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser #42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell #43 Jungle by Upton Sinclair #44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque #45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx #46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding #47 Diary by Samuel Pepys #48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway #49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy #50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury** #51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak** #52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant #53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey** #54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus #55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller #56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X #57 Color Purple by Alice Walker** #58 Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger #59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke #60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison #61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe #62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn #63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck #64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison #65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou #66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau #67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by François Rabelais #68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes #69 The Talmud #70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau #71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson #72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence** #73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser #74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler #75 Separate Peace by John Knowles #76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath #77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck #78 Popol Vuh #79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith #80 Satyricon by Petronius #81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl #82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov** #83 Black Boy by Richard Wright #84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu #85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut #86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George #87 Metaphysics by Aristotle #88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder #89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin #90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse #91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene #92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner #93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner #94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin #95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig #96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe #97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud #98 Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood #99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown #100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess #101 Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines #102 Émile Jean by Jacques Rousseau #103 Nana by Émile Zola #104 Chocolate War by Robert Cormier #105 Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin #106 Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn #107 Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein #108 Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck #109 Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark #110 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes** ">Link Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) About Me Labrdors Enjoy living in the woods, a quiet life View my complete profile Blog Archive ►  2020 (7) ►  March (1) ►  February (2) ►  January (4) ►  2019 (49) ►  December (4) ►  November (4) ►  October (1) ►  September (1) ►  August (4) ►  July (2) ►  June (4) ►  May (7) ►  April (6) ►  March (3) ►  February (5) ►  January (8) ►  2018 (78) ►  December (9) ►  November (7) ►  October (9) ►  September (9) ►  August (7) ►  July (2) ►  June (9) ►  May (2) ►  April (6) ►  March (6) ►  February (6) ►  January (6) ►  2017 (69) ►  December (5) ►  November (7) ►  October (11) ►  September (1) ►  August (3) ►  July (1) ►  June (2) ►  May (7) ►  April (8) ►  March (6) ►  February (6) ►  January (12) ►  2016 (100) ►  December (6) ►  November (5) ►  October (13) ►  September (10) ►  August (9) ►  July (5) ►  June (4) ►  May (9) ►  April (7) ►  March (6) ►  February (12) ►  January (14) ►  2015 (57) ►  December (10) ►  November (6) ►  October (4) ►  September (4) ►  August (3) ►  July (3) ►  June (3) ►  May (4) ►  April (4) ►  March (5) ►  February (4) ►  January (7) ►  2014 (130) ►  December (3) ►  November (6) ►  October (12) ►  September (6) ►  August (11) ►  July (3) ►  June (16) ►  May (9) ►  April (12) ►  March (18) ►  February (15) ►  January (19) ►  2013 (228) ►  December (16) ►  November (5) ►  October (15) ►  September (24) ►  August (16) ►  July (6) ►  June (13) ►  May (31) ►  April (40) ►  March (22) ►  February (8) ►  January (32) ►  2012 (248) ►  December (4) ►  November (22) ►  October (26) ►  September (18) ►  August (15) ►  July (15) ►  June (28) ►  May (27) ►  April (33) ►  March (20) ►  February (19) ►  January (21) ►  2011 (271) ►  December (20) ►  November (26) ►  October (31) ►  September (38) ►  August (20) ►  July (3) ►  June (19) ►  May (33) ►  April (18) ►  March (19) ►  February (18) ►  January (26) ►  2010 (316) ►  December (35) ►  November (22) ►  October (51) ►  September (36) ►  August (22) ►  July (22) ►  June (8) ►  May (38) ►  April (40) ►  March (35) ►  February (6) ►  January (1) ►  2009 (185) ►  December (17) ►  November (11) ►  October (11) ►  September (10) ►  August (3) ►  July (11) ►  June (25) ►  May (14) ►  April (19) ►  March (18) ►  February (12) ►  January (34) ►  2008 (254) ►  December (18) ►  November (23) ►  October (26) ►  September (2) ►  August (2) ►  July (33) ►  June (9) ►  May (34) ►  April (40) ►  March (7) ►  February (29) ►  January (31) ►  2007 (403) ►  December (18) ►  November (16) ►  October (34) ►  September (25) ►  August (17) ►  July (34) ►  June (55) ►  May (39) ►  April (36) ►  March (59) ►  February (32) ►  January (38) ►  2006 (396) ►  December (35) ►  November (36) ►  October (41) ►  September (40) ►  August (24) ►  July (48) ►  June (44) ►  May (49) ►  April (31) ►  March (17) ►  February (11) ►  January (20) ▼  2005 (160) ►  December (12) ►  November (14) ►  October (10) ►  September (14) ►  August (14) ►  July (17) ►  June (12) ►  May (23) ►  April (15) ▼  March (16) One of the great things about living where I live ... 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