In full swing

We're all independent and have pursued happiness now. Linda's annual bash was last night and we had a great time. I had the day off, of course--this is a patriotic nation, especially when it comes to holidays. I got up at 7:30 (late) and was walking to the front door sans pants to let the dogs out and noticed Lee, the firewood delivery man and the man who plows for the town, scoping out just where he thought I wanted my 4 cords dumped. OOPS! I turned right around and panted up, then went out to have my usual chat with him. He's very nice and takes great care of me all winter, making sure my road is plowed in time for me to get to work and to get home at night. Anyway, we figured out where to dump the wood and he, being an artist with the dump truck hit it right on the mark. $240 for 4 cords, a bit of a discount because I'm a long time customer. Of course, the first year I bought it I paid $40 a cord, but in January I paid $60 a cord. What the hell, it's only money. Now I truly have none. Negative balance. Plus I have a lot of wood to stack. He carefully put it next to the spot I told him I was going to stack it, then told me a few times that I wouldn't have far to take it when I stacked it. He has a point.

Although I slept a lot during the day, I finally cleaned my living room. Now it looks like a place where someone who cares about their living quarters lives. I really like it that way, I just don't like doing what it takes to get it there. Next task involves outdoor chores.

I realize I've been talking a lot lately about what people think of me, as if I think about it all the time. I am obsessive-compulsive, so I do grab onto things and can't let go. One of the reasons I'm so focused on this, however, is that there is such a stigma attached to mental illness, and I'm really embarrassed by mine. I haven't reached the point--and may never--where I can comfortably talk about it with people. Only a select few know, and sometimes I think it's strange who I've chosen, then I realize that these are the people I trust most among all of the people I know. Trust not to judge me, trust to be kind to me, and trust (hopefully) to treat me well and to forget about it when they're with me or when they think of me. I'm having a difficult time with all of this right now, maybe because I don't feel great, I miss my brother, it's the time of year when I go through this (I have sort of a reverse Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder and respond poorly to spring/early summer), or who knows what. I'm starting to feel good, though, and I certainly have a lot to enjoy and feel wonderful about. I realized today that in a short time I'll be spending 2 weeks with my sister and her daughter. Hot damn! It's soooo nice to be with them. I love being with my sister.

Last night I dreamed about my sister. We were in a car and she was driving. Winter road--we started to spin out of control and she didn't know how to control the car so I instructed her--turn the steering wheel this way, pump the breaks. She did a magnificent job of controlling the situation. Cars were swishing all around us, then cows started zipping by, as if we were in a tornado (a danger we always faced as children). Next stretch of road was heavy wet snow and I told Molly to slow down. She slowed down too much & we got stuck. Again I told her what to do: accelerate forward, shift quickly into reverse, rock the car. She solved the problem. I loved this dream--Molly working out our problems, my knowing about the situation. Isn't she great? Big sisters can do just about anything, huh. I especially liked the part about the cows sliding all over the road. Poor cows. Molly dodged all the trucks and cars like a real pro.

Must move along now and discard lots of books for member libraries' book sales. Strike while there's a hot iron so we don't have to pay to take them to the dump. There's mostly pretty good fiction left, since I weeded 5 years ago & threw out the old, old stuff.

Oh yeah, throw in a little ILL too. And the director wants me to write a circulation policy, which will be like navigating a barge down the tiniest stream--next to impossible. I just love spending hours writing something so that other people can comment on all the things that are wrong with it. Well, actually I don't really mind and I try not to get emotionally invested in stuff like that. Mostly I succeed.