Not so bad after all

I think I've been sounding pretty dismal lately, and have been feeling sort of dismal too. Today I got up too early (went to sleep too late too) and walked with the dogs. This is a positive sign. I met my neighbors at 5:30 on the road--turns out they start their walks at 5. Good grief! They have the cute little dog named Angel and she and Tess love to tear around and get good exercise while Ginger, Jim and I visit. I guess it cheered me up to see someone I always see, must have calmed me a bit. I feel much more peaceful--I'm sure the walk helped, too.

I had a nice time at Linda's last night, although I did feel like an interloper and freeloader, since I sort of hung around until I was invited for dinner. My only contribution to evenings like that is a copy of the NY Times. And of course my stimulating conversation and wit. Which was sort of lacking last night. But at least I didn't drink much, and only drank wine.

I stopped to see Ken and was drinking only soda but he insisted I'd feel better if I had "a touch of the creature." He was really insistent so I felt obligated to have a small drink--peer pressure at it's worst (if you can call a 93-year old man a peer). He feels very tired and slightly confused by all this company and all these people coming around. I think he liked it best when Duncan and David were the only ones who stopped by and he could keep them straight, and he liked talking with them quietly and alone. Then all hell broke loose.

I find myself worrying too much about what people think of me. An old habit, left over from Rockford. I don't know if Rockford's social pressure is worse than some places or I was just so terribly different from everyone and wanted to fit in, always having been the one who wasn't like everyone else. Moving every year made me the one who had no ties, and my siblings were my only friends, really. Anyway I thought it would be so cool to run into a relative in the grocery store, or to visit with relatives in the same town where you lived. It just seemed odd to live in the same town as your aunts & uncles & cousins. I craved that sort of connection. But what the hell, you can't undo the past and Rockford was where we lived even if my father made fun of everything about it. It was my life and I figured out how to make friends and have a life there. Not a bad one. So wait...what was I talking about? Oh, what people think of me. I've revealed things about myself to people (someone in particular) that I've not shared before and I feel vulnerable because of that. I fear rejection (don't we all) and I feel that people (someone in particular) won't think as much of me because I'm a broken, flawed person. Then I think: well, I passed out my blog to people, and blogs are public, so what did I expect, and if I don't want to share these things, why do I record them? Must be some reason I'm sharing them. My not-very-good therapist in Boston many years ago pointed out to me that life is very complicated when your intelligent. I've wanted to be stupid ever since then (joke). I've known plenty of not-too-bright people in the North Country and some of them seem mighty happy.

Moving right along cheerfully, I'm alone in the department today. I don't have to wear earphones (but will have to keep the volume down because there are still other people in the building, rats!). I'll be unpacking books from yesterday's delivery and filling ILL requests. Flashback to when I didn't have a clerk to do that and I filled all the requests myself. High gratification but also very frustrating when you can't find the stuff. Anyway, that's what I'll be doing today and Thursday. Tomorrow I'll work on my house--oh yes I will! There is much to be done and I'm completely disgusted with myself for letting it get so cluttered, disorganized, full of dog hair and having it look so bad. My usual don't deserve to have this house. I also need to finish mowing the grass at camp--I only mowed one side of the center of the road going down there, so it looks like half a haircut. No guarantee that will happen tomorrow. There's only one cousin in residence and she's the one who owns the camp next to ours so minimal evasive action is called for.

Fourth of July party at Linda's tomorrow night. Rather subdued, I hope--not too many people involved, as of now. I'm hoping it stays that way, but her gatherings never really end up like that. I'll do my best to behave like a lady. Or at least an intelligent, civilized woman.