Wow! This new Blogger is really something! I haven't blogged since Friday so it's all new to me. Today is a beautiful spring day and I feel really good. I think going to RI was a good thing, very therapeutic. It was amazingly sad to be there without Henry, to realize that he'll never be there again and I'll never see him there again. So many things about it are reminders of him, but we had a great time together, Liza, Mark and I, and it was spring there and things were blooming. There were reminders of him everywhere, and of course there's that oak tree by the gazebo that he never got to cut down.

And now I'm home and it's really spring here, so much so that the black flies are out. I missed the gardening window before the flies are out but that's ok, you have to do what you feel like doing when you feel like doing. I didn't have the spirit for it, maybe only have the modified spirit now. Brought back a 50-lb. hosta from Liza's, which I have to divide and plant. That will be a challenge. It was fun to buy plants in RI, thinking of my containers and flowers and the future. Ken came by last night to make sure I got home ok and to see me in person. He said I was so down when I left he wondered how my trip was. I could tell he was relieved to see that I felt better last night. I still have moments of shock at the fact that my brother is dead--how can that be?, but I accept it, I can handle it, I don't cry as much right now and I'm living a life without a brother. He was a good brother, though, and I got to tell him that before he died. We had a conversation at Christmas about what kind of brother he was when we were kids, and I told him I always felt he was a good older brother, and I always felt he took care of me, so now I can feel good about his knowing what my feelings were. Funny how those things can work out.

On my drive down I had a bunch of tapes to listen to, all unlabeled. It turned out that they were mixed tapes of Henry's from a trip he had made from Illinois a few summers ago. This made me both sad and happy. First I cried when I heard some of the songs, then I smiled. There's a typical Henry mix of country, old rock, Jimmy Buffet, odds & ends of stuff. I feel really close to him when I listen to the music, and now I feel as if I have something of his, which I didn't feel before. Something very special. I have more tapes in my house, I just have to dig them out and separate them from mine. One year, not long after Jamie left, Henry was at Liza's with me before I left for a trip to see Nip and then to go to Rush's to campaign for him. There was a song he really liked that he wanted me to like too ("That ain't my truck") so he played it for me whenever we went anywhere in the car together. When I left for my trip, which was a big deal for me, my first trip alone in a long time, across Penn. and to NJ, he had put the tape with the song on it on the passenger seat of my car. What a Henry thing to do. I listened to that tape and that song for hours and hours of driving, sometimes crying, sometimes smiling, always thinking of my brother.

And today the sun is shining and it's a beautiful spring day. I'd love to be home digging in the dirt, being heckled by black flies. Soon I'll have to mow my lawn. Haven't had my mower serviced this year (serviced...sounds as if I'm breeding it, doesn't it?). I need to get all my pots out and look them over, then go plant shopping with Lin and line up all my plants and look them all over. I love doing that. I can start with my pansies tonight, though, but I don't have enough purple ones, never found the missing 6-pack that Tess absconded with.

I made my plane reservations for my June trip to Wisconsin. This is really exciting. I'll arrive in Wisc. on the 16th at 10:48. Since I bid on a ticket with Priceline I had to take whatever flight they wanted to give me, and I have to be in Burlington for a 6:30 a.m. flight. God only knows when I have to leave home, but it's like 4 a.m. I think. Geez. It'll be worth it and I can sleep all the way to Chicago anyway. This trip will be great, we'll have a good time, all girls. I can't wait to see Margaret and Grace again. And to ride in the Pilot! What an appropriate name for Kristen's vehicle. Me, I drive a Civic, as in duty, which I use to get to and from work and other assignations. Cheap transportation, good mileage, not exciting or fun to drive, not particularly attractive. Just reliable. Sort of like me, I think.