Refusal to accept
In spite of the fact that it's cold (40) in the morning, I refuse to wear a jacket. I have a favorite spring/fall jacket, though now tattered at the cuffs, that I can wear to the car, from the car to the building, it won't hurt me to put it on. But that would mean...you guessed it...summer's over. Well, hell, the trees are turning red and orange, that means summer's over. It's done. I went berrying last night and all the blackberries are gone. Af first I was pissed at myself because I let the campers beat me to the spots I always go to, the spots that I didn't think others knew about. Then I got back to my house and discovered that all my berries had been "picked" too. I guess the birds were my competition, plus the deer and the squirrels. Can't complain, now, can I. I have to get out there sooner. I knew the berries were ripe two weeks ago, I just thought I had more time. whine whine. There were plenty of berries, too, I can tell by the empty stems. I have enough for nearly one pie, if I can find more of some kind of berry to fill in with. Sometimes I'm amazed by myself. I'd blame it on laziness but this fall I don't really think that's what it was. Anyway, I had a really good time last night, berrying with the dogs. I love doing that. The sun was golden and low in the sky, the dogs would have been whistling if they knew how, they were practically skipping. They picked along with me but weren't happy with the yield. It was a beautiful evening and I had a really nice, peaceful wonderful time.

Today, wonder of wonders, my car is being delivered. I spoke to the "money man" to go over the final figures this morning because the figures didn't look right when they delivered the wrong car before. The figures are right, the color is reputed to be right (the salesman has left me at least 3 messages describing the car, "Magnesium, 5-speed, LX"). And, since I've had to wait 3 weeks and have driven 3 different cars in the interim, I'm actually looking forward to having this car delivered. See? Good things DO come to those who wait. I just want to have my own car. I want to move into my own house on my own Hakapalita tires. I've done pretty well in keeping the Accord clean and like to think I can make the same effort with my own new car. So this is it, the end of this saga. Let's hope, anyway.

Long, long meeting this morning with other professionals and director. I finally started to doze a bit, squirming in my seat. blah blah blah. I could focus on our planning to plan for the future for only so long, but when they got to planning to plan for the next 2 years my eyes really did glaze over. I got up to go to pee, came back refreshed and said "So then, where were we?" in an honest effort to wrap things up. I think 2 hours is just too long for 4 people to meet.

Yesterday I did a workshop on collection development. For some reason I was in rare form and put on a great stand-up routine, which was fortunate because the director was in the audience. Unfortunate, thought, because these are regional workshops which are to be repeated twice more and I've set the bar pretty high. There are 2 of us doing this, with a bit added on at the end by the director (her part is really dry, confusing and dull). I was really funny yesterday, which is a shame because I can't stand to repeat the same jokes a second and third time, but I know the director will expect me to get lots of laughs next week at the other 2 sessions. I had a good audience, people who interacted and were receptive to what we were discussing. Let's see how it goes next week. The director couldn't stop talking about how well it went and how great a presentation it was. Yeah, well, make 'em laugh is what I always say. Being bipolar has its perks when it comes to performing. That's why Robin Williams is such a genius.

So today I'm faced with a desk that's absolutely covered with paperwork. There is no naked space at all and I can't stand the thought of exposing any. I'll catalog I guess, and weed--my 2 staples of activity when I can't stand to be any more creative than that.

Had a good weekend. Jenica came Friday night, it was great to see her and be together. We watched the CSI marathon (that's Crime Scene Investigation, a tv show about forensics, all fiction, takes place in Las Vegas). One right after another. It was fun, hypnotic. Saturday we had a dock day. Started out a bit cold but ended up really hot. We had lunch on the dock (turkey, not cucumber sandwiches) and I swam twice. That brings my seasonal total to 4. Not bad for me. The water was 67 degrees, which is pretty cold, really. The brown girls lazed along with us and Tess swam and swam. A good day. We went out for dinner to a really nift restaurant with an unbelievable menu. Lots and lots of choices. We went with Linda and Erdvilas (who was only mildly annoying) and Bill and had a good time, ate lots of good food. Sunday morning we watched MTV for a while, sitting in the sun in the living room enjoying it a lot. She left, I went to Sunday dinner with Bill, L & E and Ken. That was nice--it was sunny and warm. Such a nice, golden sun we have now. We stayed at Linda's for a long, long time, then I came home and slept for a long, long time. What else could I do? It was their last day, they're safely tucked in in Ann Arbor now, to return in a few weeks for Columbus Day.

I'm feeling better, not so gloomy. Do I care more about things? I'm not sure, but I seem to be happier. I still miss my brother, and I'm still sad that he died. I cry, but not as much. I dreamed about our old house at Green Street last night, that I had to move back there--but that's just because I was reading my old journal from when we were moving from there to my house to Jenica the other night and we were laughing at the absurdity of it all. I also dreamed about Jamie, who in my dream was complaining about something petty, so I said to him, "At least you're still alive, and at least you didn't have someone you really love die. You always complain about the stupidest things, but you're still alive." That felt really good in my dream. A dream of wish-fulfillment. I keep dreaming about cars that are going out of control, the brakes don't work. My classic anxiety dream, but in these dreams I get the cars to stop just before I hit something. So there I am, teetering on the edge of loss of control in my life. I guess that's ok, at least I'm not rolling off a cliff.

Back to the chiropractor tonight, that will feel good. Then to Walmart to pick up pictures from the RI trip. Another nice thing. Then I get to watch two episodes of CSI tonight. My new version of Law & Order. I such a sucker for tv, huh.