what is, is

Some sadness these days.  The brother of someone I work with committed suicide last weekend.  He was an addict, living in his car.  I didn't ask how he did it, but she felt comfortable talking to me about it (because--guess what?  my brother is dead, too).  She's taking it well--no funeral now, a memorial service in the spring.  That makes it a little hard, in my experience, to accept the death.

So I've been thinking about death and brothers.  Hers was particularly sad because, in a suicide the survivors torture themselves about how they could have prevented it, what they could have done, etc.  My brother's death, too, was a shock, but he was in what was one of the happiest times in his life.  And it was pretty sudden--not totally, because he was close to death for a while (too long), but we were surprised that he had so much damage to his heart and circulatory system.  That was a stunner, and put my sister and me into panics.  We both had lots of tests and conferences with doctors after that--my brother's problems were congenital, and my father and grandmother had deadly arterial and heart problems.  Both my sister and I passed our tests, but my cardiologist finally said that nothing he did would prove that I wouldn't prove that I might die of a heart attack any day.  Thank you very much.  Every chest pain is my heart getting ready to fail.  not.  I try not to worry about it--death comes when it comes.

ANYWAY: I feel the sorrow of this survivor, as anyone who's lost a sibling does.  One of my therapists (yes, I've had more than one) said that the death of a family member is particularly sad--if your spouse dies you can remarry, but you only have one set of parents, and in my case, 2 (now 1) siblings.  Oh how morbid this all is!

I'm not really feeling dreary, but have been thinking about death a bit.  Mostly I'm pretty cheerful (dare I say perky?) and enjoying the change of seasons.  All but the aspens and tamaracks have lost their leaves, which makes the world very brown and gray.  This is a little disappointing--always a shocker after the cheerful and pretty colors of Sept. & Oct.  I really like bare trees, though--you can look way into the forest, and it's so much quieter without those noisy leaves.  Plus, of course, it's a step closer to winter.  And we know that, once we get through winter spring will come.  What??? Already thinking of next spring?  Yes, always. 

My friend Ken and I used to play "how many months of winter are left."  He maintained that mid-February was the halfway point in winter, and he was right, by number of days.  I prefer to think that February means we're closing in on spring, we just have to get through March (the ugliest month), then April will come.  April can be not too bad, you can smell the earth losing its frost and thawing.  Plus it's when the ice generally goes out.  Anyway, I like to think that November and December aren't too dramatic.  January and Feb. present some complications and problems, and can be monotonous even though there are wonderful things about snow filling up my world.  So let's see ... that leaves, basically 3 months of winter.  Jan., Feb., and March.  If there is no really cold, miserable weather in Nov. & Dec.  I can heat my house with just the wood stove and sometimes it gets too hot in the house.  I can leave the door open when I'm home so the dogs can control their comings & goings.  One December--and it was one year when my mother was visiting--the temperature was sub-zero for 14 straight days.  And it was REALLY sub-zero.  Fortunately we haven't had a repeat of that.   so far.

I'm having fun at work, just placed a big book order of craft, cooking and holiday books.  Although it's a lot of work, it's nice to search for something other than bestsellers to add to our collection.  I'm also weeding a collection at one of our member libraries, and the director is actually discarding books, following me through the collection (chasing at my heels, even).  That's really great fun.

So, although this may have begun sounding as if I'm miserable and sad, I'm truly happy.  I accomplished a BIG and NOT FUN task yesterday when I got home from work: I closed the boat house.  I put it off every year, not because it's particularly difficult, but because I don't like the way it looks when the furniture is in the front room instead of on the porch.  Plus there are dirty dishes (mine, always mine) and the power's been shut off (not by me) so the contents of the refrigerator are pretty disagreeable.  But, praise me, I got it all done last night.  The car is full of dirty laundry and different forms of alcoholic beverages, but it's easier to empty a car than a boat house.

Yes, I'm doing well.  Someone recently said I sound as down as she is.  That's so not true.