Where does the time go? It's Tuesday already. There's been a weekend in there somewhere, and there was a disastrous Monday as well. Friday was a good day, I remember that. Work was troublesome but bearable. Much strife still vis a vis union and management, an issue that continues to plague. But Friday night I went out with Brook, my friend of nearly 20 years (are we really old enough to have friends who are NOT childhood friends, whom we've known for 20 years? why yes, we are). Started out as drinks, had a nice time at the bar--when was the last time I met someone at a bar and "had drinks?" Long time ago. Then we had dinner together. It was a lovely evening. We spent our lives together many years ago, two lives ago, but we can still connect, are still friends. Two people can go separate ways, not communicate for a long time but still know a good, solid, affectionate friendship and mutual respect for one another. I can't picture her life and she can't picture mine--but like my friend Mary Frances, my friend Brook will always be my friend, someone I will always love and will always have in my life. It was a really nice evening and I felt wonderful all the way home, smiling. What a great visit. Who enjoys dogs the same way we do? Not too many people--we have just the right perspective, just the right amount of affection and respect for them. Yes, I let that crazy Tess sleep under the covers, but I know she's just a dog, not a person.

Then we had the weekend, which I admit was pretty much a blur. I slept a lot. Maybe sleeping off my trip, I don't know. Decompressing. Cleaned my house very little. Sunday dinner was really nice, huge steaks cooked on the grill because Bill and I weren't here for Fathers Day so we had our celebration with Ken. Bill fresh back from Ireland and feeling very cheery about his trip. His first vacation in 12 years. I could never do that, go without a vacation. He's remarkable. Or crazy. Anyway, great sense of comradery, great conversation, great food. Beautiful day. That night I had dinner (more beef--meatloaf) with my friend the Congressman and his wife, along with 5 men who are former campers and have the camp just down from my house. These guys are so cute I adore them. They come every June and every October to open and close their camp. They're really, really nice. One is now a judge so we talked about some of his cases. Other peoples' lives are always so interesting. We had a nice evening. I made them guess which campers I used to go off into the woods to make out with. They finally guessed one, but not the other. Fortunately they thought both were cool guys. whew! This was in the 60's, hard to believe! One of these trysts lasted for 4 years, hard for me to believe. Anyway, we sat in front of the fire in their great stone fireplace after dinner, while the campers all reminisced and played trivia, and Annie and I laughed and laughed at their memories. They must have been the cutest boys on the planet.

Yesterday was a terrible day. Missed a doctor's appointment in the morning, misunderstood what time it was supposed to be for, so was late for work. Big fuss about union business, we were issued ultimatum by board's attorney, without being given enough information to make a real decision, I had to track down all the members (ok, there are only 9, but 4 were on the road yesterday), set up a meeting for today, explain the proposal, deal with cross people, etc. Plenty of hostility directed at me, at the board, at the world. Then I left early for the rescheduled appointment, to discover that my left eye is getting cloudy, slowly, because part of the cataract I had removed 7 or so years ago is still there. This is not unusual when younger people have cataracts removed, and can be remedied with a laser, which will come later, much later, but it's discouraging to someone who was already having a bad day. The cloudiness is worse this year than it was last year. But I'm getting a new kind of lens this year that will make it easier for me to use the computer at work and should ease up on my neck and shoulder strain. God I love getting old. Back to bifocals for work, trifocals for the rest of my life.

Then home to think about my brother and cry. Why then? As we all know, it comes upon us suddenly. This time it came upon me as I was using the path he cut for me through my woods, a short cut to my friends' camps. I love that path, and it was so cool that he did that. "You should have a path through these woods." He loved doing things like that, and that path has lasted so well. I have to make sure it stays a path but I don't have a chain saw to cut up the tree that's lying diagonally across the bottom of the path. I had dinner with Rush & Annie last night, really nice time with them. Planning the house they'll be building there next year. Annie said she'll take over the tree removal project that Henry had been working on. She loves using her chain saw. This, believe it or not is a huge relief to me. Someone needs to continue the work he started in creating and maintaining the view from my hill. She and I can work together on that really well. Nothing this year, but when their house is done and she retires (2-3 years) she'll be here enough time to play in the woods with me. That should work out really well. Maybe by then I'll have my own chain saw too. That would be cool beyond cool.

Meanwhile I have to order firewood, get a plane ticket, order lumber for my deck, pay my mortgage, make my car payment, pay my car insurance and some other bills. Using what for money? Got to buy those lottery tickets.

Supposed to be in the 80's for the rest of the week. It was 37 the other morning. I'm not staying at camp, it's too cold for me. Water temp at Silver Lake is now 66, according to Rush's thermometer. Suspicious, if you ask me. Maybe our docks will go in this weekend. I need to start reading the next book for our book group. White teeth, by Zadie Smith. I'm finishing up a really good book, The strange event of the dog in the night time (I think that's it), first person narrative fiction by an autistic boy. It's short but effective. Not really about a dog.

Dogs. Boy are they dominating my life these days. They're roaming way too much. Had to retrieve them the other day. Have been asked to keep them at home more. Must let them out one at a time. Can't be outside with all of them at once unless we're all on the deck together with a gate across the stairs. This is not the life I had intended for us. Will not, not, not walk them on a leash. Everyone loves that Tess, she's a sweetie, they say. And Jackson is a nice boy, a very nice old dog. But the people renting Bill's camp don't want them around their nasty dog who stays inside and barks that them. I guess I understand that. And I don't want my dogs roaming but I don't know how to break them of the habit. Damn that Jackson! Tess wouldn't have thought of it on her own, she and Chances never left the perimeter of the house and yard before he came into our lives. I need to exercise them more, that's really the key. Exercise? That word again.

And now I have to evaluate my two employees. Performance characteristics. 9 for each of them. Long descriptions of the last year's worth of their work. Let's be honest now, and let's try to think of nice things to say. yeah, sure. That won't be too much of a challenge...

Cold night last night, cold morning. Lots of rain, which was lucky for my flowers and plants because I didn't water them before going to bed. Poor yellow pansies were prostrate and collapsible. Dogs ran off this morning when I let them out and crawled back under the covers. First Jack came back, stood over me and barked, then he lay down in a little ball (little is a relative term when you're talking about a 70-lb dog) and was quiet. This helped less, as it quieted me down too. When I finally got up to feed them, they were all gone. I called work to say I'd be in when I could retrieve the retrievers. They came back, I fed them, turned to brush my teeth with the screen door latched shut. Oh no, not good enough for them, they punched hole #3 in the door and off they went again. What pigs they all are. Chances came back in 5 minutes but the other two took a long walk while I paced in the living room, watched Jimmy Buffet on the Today show and cursed them a lot. I finally made it to work. As Kristen would say, "woo-hoo."

Last night was really nice. I had my book group, minus 2, meet first at my house then wander down to camp. We had the mother of one, the woman who used to work with me in Providence 20 something years ago, join us, so that was nice. Another librarian in her 50's. We met on the boat house porch and they were all duly impressed with the facility and my dessert. We had a short, decisive discussion of the book. All agreed that, shortened and to the point it would have made 4 great articles in The New Yorker. We spent a lot of the rest of the 2 1/2 hours talking about ourselves, then about other books we liked that we've read. So, Kristen, we turned it into what you said it would become for you, which I thought was interesting. And at some points during the discussion we got fairly personal about ourselves in discussing some points of the book. Well, heck, there was a whole chapter on man's relationship with marijuana and marijuana's relationship with man, and the cannabinoids in our brains. The book is Botany of Desire, should anyone be interested to pursue this. A chapter on apples, one on the tulip (very interesting), one on marijuana, and one on the potato (most interesting). Man's relationship to plants and the relationship plants have to man. Good for me, since I've always believed that plants have a proactive relationship in the cosmos and have always influenced me in ways other than the effect they have upon smoking or ingestion. This is a spiritual thing.

So anyway I enjoyed the gathering of the clan, and liked seeing my friend Mary again. Interesting to see her again after all these years. Her daughter is getting married next week at her boyfriend's camp, just down the road from where Lin lives. Small world this is.

And I heard from the gravestone guy, got the bill for Henry's stone. A note on the bill says he put the stone near the monument. WRONG PLACE. I now have the unpleasant task of checking it out to see exactly where it is, then calling Abe (last name Lincoln, no less) to have him move it to the RIGHT PLACE, near Spaulding's grave, as I told him when I met with him. Lovely. Oh hell, let's just put ourselves in random spots around the site, shall we?

Today's work has been full of union v. management strife--trying to reach an agreement on a payroll/days off issue that management wanted settled by today, but only gave us their counter-proposal yesterday afternoon for. This after we gave them our final, yes final proposal a month ago. Games, it's all games, pure mindfuck. So now I have to gather the troops next week and explain to the 4 who think we should go along with mgt's proposal WHY it's not good to go back on your final offer. blech.

Tonight I'm going out with a woman I haven't seen for probably 13 years, who used to be my closest friend, a neighbor from the first years I lived here. She and her boyfriend and my husband and I cooked dinner together every single night because they didn't have running water so they liked eating at our house. We did everything together and were inseparable. Then we bought our house and moved and they broke up (and he put water in the house as soon as she left: one of the main reasons she left was his refusal to bring the water line from the barn into the house). So now I'm seeing her for the 2nd time in 13 years, which will be really nice. She's married to someone I've never met, has been for 15 years or so. Life is an interesting turn of events, isn't it.

What's up for the weekend, let's see. Call my sister to say good-bye and have a good trip home. Call Kristen to see how she's doing now that the tribe has dwindled down. Plant those fucking geraniums in the ground somewhere, anywhere. Maybe stay in the boathouse. Visit with Ken. The crazy women from Baltimore are coming on Saturday, staying in the cabin up the hill behind Ken's so I'm sure I'll see them on Sunday, maybe at Sunday dinner. Next weekend is 4th of July and Sonci will be crawling with people. The water is in...sort of. You have to turn it on with the valve on the ground that's nearest the pump (I love my male cousins) and the toilet in main camp doesn't work because it needs a new tank (they're working on that). Guess I shouldn't complain, if you do everything just right water will come out of the faucets. You can't leave the hot water tanks on, though, because you have to turn the valve off when you leave, apparently, so you don't want to burn out the elements in the hot water tanks. Whattafuck.

Home again home again jiddity jig. Back to work, back in work pants. Yes, they still fit, but there's no slack in the waist anymore. Was late to work, had trouble getting out of bed. Was awake, but I so enjoy having the 2 brown girls roughousing on top of me in the morning. They growl, they bounce, they chew on each other and it's so endearing I just love it. They are happy to have me home and have life back to normal. Chances sat next to me on the couch after I got home and wiggled and wiggled, flipping over and over like a dolphin rolling in the sea. Tess jumped on top of her, jockeying for position. Jackson did what he always does: stood in front of me and barked. Then they spent a lot of time exploring the possibilities of running away. Someone has made another hole in the screen door so just latching it is no deterrent for J & T (Chances doesn't seem to know she might fit through a 10" hole and she stays in). I have to close the glass door, which I hate doing in the summer. The evening was spent letting them in and out, one at a time. It was a lot like answering Grace's never ending request for a sip of soda. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Trip home was fine, uneventful. I slept from Green Bay to Chicago, I hung out in O'Hare and enjoyed Starbucks. I slept from Chicago to Burlington. AGAIN I was on the wrong side of the plane to see my house and lake when we flew over it. I could see the AuSable Club clear as a bell when we flew over it and Keene Valley, though, and that was fun. What a beautiful trip through the Adirondacks and into the Champlain Valley. Clear day, green,green below. Lots of lakes and mountains.

Home is fine. Lin mowed my lawn: the act of a true friend. She called to make sure I got home before she headed home from work. I know she wanted to make sure the dogs would be all right too. She installed a new shower head, much inferior to the old. Water pressure is now too, too low. May have to locate the old one and re-install.

How is it to be home? Well, I miss the people in Wisconsin. I love being part of that tribe. What a great group, what a great time we had. So peaceful, overall. Sure, conflict. Molly's right, Grace and I have power struggles. Same as Henry and Grace had. She's a perflect blend of her parents (at least what I imagine her father to be like). She has some of the great qualities of her mother. Every time she asks if she can do something and is given a negative response she asks "Why?" Without exception. If you say "Because," she says that's not an answer. "Because I say so" is not acceptable but she'll take it. She's a sweet girl with a great streak of strength and inner struggle. Margaret is easy to please and sweet, working herself into the person she will be. Following Grace along, every now and then asserting herself. They're both lost without one anotoher. Anna is one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever met. I wish she were spending the summer at MY house. I'd love to hear the strains of cello music coming from a room in my house and know she was in a room under my roof, able to visit with me from time to time. What a really, really wonderful person she is. And Molly and I are sisters, just as we always have been. So different and yet so much the same, through history, background and emotional makeup in some ways. We're so different in so many ways, but so much the same in other ways. It was great to be together. Kristen, I could spend the rest of my life with her: my heterosexual life partner, truly. Didn't get to spend enough time with her, but am looking forward to having 2 weeks in August with her. This is my family of women and I'm so lucky to have them. I felt enveloped and part of a wonderful group. I loved it all.

So many trips to the beach, every day a different one. Seeing the water in its different moods, I always love that. The landscape, so unique and Midwestern. No, I couldn't live there but I love having access to it, being in the middle of it and surrounded by it. I love the farm with 14 silos. That's just amazing to me. 14 silos! So beautiful in its magnitude. The miles and miles of flatland. I know midwesterners get claustrophobic in the mountains sometimes and when I'm there I feel as if I'm stretching my arms out so completely, I can see for miles and miles, Roger Daltry.

And now I'm at work, having spent most of the morning doing no work to speak of. Read email, caught up on department crap (poor suffering staff members). Talked on the phone with Liza for an hour. She's fine, sounds well actually. The weather is good and her hand is healing so she feels confident and relatively cheerful. Seeing Jenica really made a difference in her life. Now she's looking forward to visits from all of us, trying to figure out if she'll come here next month or not. They had a turtle appear in their pond, which is an amazing feat of nature. There's no swamp or water anywhere near their house, they just got up the other morning and there it was, swimming in their pond, a 4" turtle. Not a snapper, thankfully. How cool is that?

Got a bill from the headstone maker, along with a note that they put Henry's stone near the monument. I have to check it out but it sounds as if I'll have to ask them to move it. Rats! My fault for not getting up there to leave a marker where we wanted the stone put. The consequences of putting things off.

I stopped at the grocery store on my way home. The ferry ride was like glass, the lake beautiful and peaceful. I decided to feel calm, productive, body image positive. Bought lots of fruit, soy milk (but whipped cream for tonight's book group dessert). Delicious looking peaches, watermelon, cherries, apples (no Pink Ladies, they're gone from my store). Dogs ate all the peaches while I was in the shower this morning. I MEAN REALLY! I love peaches. So far the dogs have peed on my bed (yesterday) and undermined my attempts at weight loss (this morning). This is not being supportive, this is not unconditional love. But they are so great, they are so entertaining, they are so wonderful. Last night on the couch Tess slept right on top of my chest, curled up and so affectionate. This is not a dog who likes to cuddle that much, but she was so contented in that position. I realize not everyone likes a 45-lb weight on their chest but I love having her so attached to me and so happy to have me home. I felt like a dead, bloated body in the water, weighed down by Chances on my feet and Tess on my chest. OK, so I was watching a Lacy Peterson movie to kill the time and they had just found the bodies floating in the bay.

Maybe I should try to get some work done.

I ordered my brother's headstone today. Put it off long enough, finally had to face up to it and do it. I stayed home as long as I was supposed to, waiting for the tv dish repairman to show up (he never showed up--they called me after he was supposed to come to say they didn't have a technician in the area--AUGH!). So I climbed in the car with my brown girls and drove to the granite company and picked out the best (I thought) stone. It's the same size as Spaulding's, 10" X 20", and is 4" high. Gray granite. They come polished but I asked them to sand the polish off. All that will be on it is HENRY GEER ROGERS on one line and
APRIL 25-1949-APRIL 5, 2004 on the next line. If there's a mistake in any of that let me know right away because he's going to work on it right away and get it up there soon. It costs $250 and we can pay him when he sends me the bill. I have to get there soon to mark the spot where we want it. While I'm there I have 20 geraniums and some zinnias (for Henry) to plant. The bugs weren't too bad so hopefully I'll get it done this weekend, before I go to the Midwest.

What a beautiful day today was. We have to call it a Day of Prayer because that's what everyone's contracts say, so to give us the day off it has to be called that. I guess, I don't know. I certainly don't pray or Mourn, so it doesn't matter to me what it's called. I call it Dead President Day. My dogs celebrated by running away for hours. I couldn't go looking for them because the repair guy was supposed to come. Waste of my time. Now Ihave to take Mon. afternoon off because he's supposed to come sometime between 1 and 4. As if I can afford to take Monday afternoon off, when I have to take Tues. morning off for my ultrasound, and am leaving on Weds. Oh well, what is what is. Can you tell I've taken some atavan?

My dish hasn't worked since the big storm of the other night, when trees came down, boats ended up on the road, all hell broke lose. Nothing down at Sonci that I could see on quick inspection. Linda lost 3 big pines and some camps behind the island had trees fall on them. Roger Douglas said he saw a tornado go through but I have real doubts about that. Anyway it was an intense wind and now my dish won't work, says there's no signal. So I;m reduced to watching network tv. This is truly the pits. It would happen during Reagan's funerals--how many is he having, anyway, 3? 4? They're still burying him and he'd been dead a week. I watch some public television and that's not so bad but it gets infuriating because there's some testimony in front of the Congressional committee looking into our torturing of Iraqi prisoners. Oh the arrogance of this administration! So basically there's nothing worth watching. I've been reading my book. So far I've covered the apple and the tulip, now moving on to marijuana.

I really hope to do some gardening tomorrow. I have 2 sets of lupines in bloom now--this is radical and thrilling. One is purple, one pink. I love it. Also have spiderwort, one pink and one purple. One from Liza and one from Lin. Really neat, I'm thrilled. My baptisia is growing smaller and less enthusiastic but is still waist high. It's 20 years old so I guess it's entitled. Likewise, my rose bush, also 20 years old, has died in the center and has new growth all around the edges. I'm not sure it will bloom this year, for the first time in 20 years. I brought it with me from RI. Hope it rallies, I'd really miss it.

I stopped at Pray's in Plattsburgh last night and bought a bunch of flowers--lots of snaps so I can work on my dream of having a huge patch of snapdragons in the middle of my flower bed. Also got cosmos because I always have them. Got some zinnias to plant in the cemetery in memory of Henry, for Kristen. More impatiens for the shade. They had some really neat snaps, lavendar and white in a really neat shape but they were already blooming and going by so I didn't get them.

The weather is really great, blue sky and crystal clear. The dogs and I lie on the deck (when they finally return from wherever they go) and marvel at it. The bugs are bad but bearable because there's a breeze. I got my hair cut very short last night. She pretended to give me a new cut and gelled it all up differently but when I washed it this morning it went back to its old ways and now just looks hacked off. Oh hair, it's such a funny thing.

I only cried a little getting Henry's stone. there are all these stones out front on the ground, some are carved with people's names, some are blank. makes me want to get one for myself ahead of time and have it ready and waiting. Anyway, I want one just like Henry's, same as Spauldings, just my name and numbers, next to Henry and/or Molly if she has a stone there. Yes, we need to have a marker for Molly even if there's nothing under it.

I'm going to bed early tonight, if it kills me. If I have to take 10 pills to sleep. No more staying up until 2 and sleeping late, I need to normalize a schedule because I'm going to be with other people who won't have the same schedule I do. NO one has the schedule I do. Even my dogs nag me about going to bed. I also have much organizing of my house to do before Monday. OK, so I'll just do one or two more crossword puzzles before I get going...

We just had the most dramatic thunderstorm blow through town. In celebration of being alone, all alone in my department (grumpy complaining clerks are at a conference today and tomorrow, even finding something about that to complain about), I went out to get a sandwich for lunch, and on the way home in my rear view mirror I could see the western sky was nearly as dark as night. As I got out of my car the wind was blowing so hard it was incredible. Just as I got inside the huge powerful drops of rain started to fall. Now it's quiet--not like that quiet you get in the Midwest when the air is green and charged and there are tornado warnings, just still and quiet here. I'm actually listening to NPR at my desk on my computer, something I NEVER do, but there's no one else in my department so I'm wallowing in solitude, savoring every minute of my work day.

I listened to Warren Zevon on the way to work today and of course it led me straight to Henry. I came up with the only regret I've had so far: sorry I didn't tell Henry that I was sorry Warren Zevon died. I know he really enjoyed the times he worked with him at Charlotte's Web, really enjoyed knowing him. Heck, if that's my greatest regret about my relationship with my brother that's not bad. Anyway, I had a yearning to hear Zevon, but of course it made me cry and cry. So I said "Henry, why did you leave me?" (after all, it's always about me, isn't it?). Then, before I really finished my sentence, I was comforted immensely by the knowledge that he didn't want to, he didn't mean to, and he would have done anything in his power not to have left. He DID do everything in his power not to. I just wish he were still here, that's all. I'm thinking a lot about him these days, probably because I'm going back to Wisc. and will see things like his boots, god bless his boots, how they make me cry. And so I cry a bit now, more than in recent times, but it's a sweeter sadness, a more familiar pain. Well heck, I just miss my brother and think he was a sweet person who added so much to my life. He took such good care of me, without really appreciating how much he did for me himself. I guess that's one of the sweetest things--that he couldn't really grasp just how much it meant to me to have him do all he did and say all he said, especially in the last several years. But he understood so much about me, and he accepted the things about me I needed to have someone accept, without explanation, but he was always interested in my explanation. How I appreciated that! I hate apologizing for mental illness, but it doesn't go away, it's always there, and I can't really apologize for my behavior, people just have to accept it that I'm doing the best I can. I felt that he did, and he noticed how much I was trying to be a better person, more than just about anyone else did. He seemed to have found a new sense of me.

Anyway, it was a rough trip to work, after all, a dead man was singing and a dead man dominated my thoughts. But I like Molly's input that we should leave the dead alone because they're either working or resting, and so should be left to do what they need to do. Let sleeping dogs lie and let dead people die.

And now I have a choice between deleting long overdue books from the system or weeding worthless fiction titles from the collection or reading book reviews. All three of these, curiously, appeal to me.

Last night was a reunion of people who went on the Planned Parenthood bus trip to Washington to the March for Women's Lives in April. It was pretty quiet but a nice group. Lin and I went and had to keep explaining why we didn't look familiar to anyone in the group--like, how we marched with people from California and then Kansas because we got separated from New York, then fell asleep and woke up after the march started. We looked at everyone's pictures and showed mine (I had the best port-a-potty pictures, hands down) and watched a video that students from the college had done for a class project. It was moving to see it all again. They had good footage of some of the speakers, which I found particularly exciting to see.

My group of Rockford friends is planning a reunion for next year, they're trying to figure out where to go. The woman who's got Harvard connections has a lead on a place that Harvard owns in Portland, Maine; someone else had a lead on a place in Oregon that has cabins that are treehouses--everyone's just thinking of different places. Me, I'm just alone for the ride. Looking forward to seeing them all again, especially a couple of them I really bonded with last time. For some reason I these two, who were sharing the condo with me, that my father was an alcoholic who had been pretty cruel to me my senior year in high school, and passed out every night in his chair. They were really nice, said no one knew. Yeah, right--that's the point, I said, no one was supposed to know. Covert abuse.

But now I have my life and my life is good. The black flies are fierce and plentiful. You'd think they'd be getting tired of being around but they're reaching their peak now, I hope. We've had them around for nearly a month, but they're just getting unbearable now. I can't stand being outside for more than a few minutes at a time. I watered my plants last night and it was a real chore, I was swatting and ducking like crazy by the time I was done. Don't know how the dogs stand it--they're covered with bites by the time they come in. Only Tess went swimming last night, Chances stayed home while Jackson and Tess took a stroll. I ended up staying at home because my house cooled off enough to stay there and sleep under the covers after all. It was a really windy night with a nice cool breeze, very pleasant. I'm struggling to read our current book, The Botany of Desire. It's about the influence on people that certain plants have had and the influence on these plants that people have had. I like the premise, I'm just sort of struggling to get into it. It's about apples, tulips, marijuana and potatoes. I'm only on apples so far. Johnny Appleseed and his work in the 1800's in Ohio. a bit of a yawn.

Man is it a beautiful day! I just took my lawn mower to the repair guy in West Plattsburgh and the world is full of greens and blues--so green and blue! The trees are nearly full, just the hard maples are still red/pink and the beeches are still obscene green now. The sky is magnificent blue.

Glad to hear Kristen may actually be able to flush a toilet before nightfall (or is that hoping for too much?). How well I know the tricks of saving water. You wash the dishes in a gallon of water and save the dishwater to use for flushing the toilet. Wash your hair in 1/2 a gallon, save the water to flush with. Begrudge the dogs their drinking water ("Do you have to drink SO MUCH?"). Think of work as Toilet Haven. Wash your face there, brush your teeth there, make sure you pee before going home. Augh!

So on the way to work this morning I heard a bit on NPR about compulsive hoarders. Boy did that ring a bell. As someone who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, this really made me prick up my ears. When they started talking about people who saved boxes I really sat up straight. Yes, I used to really, really save boxes--all kinds. Now I'm much better (I should be, I take enough pills) but I still look longingly at the Perfect Box. I allow myself to save 2 shoe boxes at a time (they're very handy for something, I just don't know what) and I try really hard to burn any box that's too tempting. These people were really hoarders, though, they ended up hoarding their garbage. I cringed at the descriptions of them hoarding magazines to "read later." Yes, oh yes, I did that for a long time. I spent several hours last night going through old New Yorkers, actually reading articles and cutting out cartoons (I have a scrapbook I keep of things that strike my fancy, especially cartoons). Then I THREW THEM AWAY. I have conquered this part of my disorder. Other aspects of it, not so good am I at. But I think I do pretty well, all in all, especially when I compare my obsessions with those of my past. I still can't control as much of my behavior as I would like to, as much as other people can, but I do ok. Oh, how nice it would be to be like other people. It's like the incredible gift of hearing silence. I have tinnitus, have had it since I was a child. So did Henry. We used to talk about what it was like to always hear sound, never know what silence sounded like. I would love silence. Of course, I can't shut my brain down anyway, so what would the point in trying to hear silence be? I'd at least like a shot at it. Silence, that must be nice.

What a weekend I had. Friday night dinner was nice. Too much expensive food, ended up costing me $60 for what basically was a small steak while everyone else had lots of lamb, clams and shrimp. That's what happens when you have 2 bottles of wine and lots of appetizers in an American restaurant. But I paid for the company and enjoyed it all. Saturady was a beautiful day, absolutely beautiful--cool, but so pretty. It was the day of the Belmont, and everyone in America was hopeful we'd have history again. When we were kids, Molly and I would watch all three legs of the Triple Crown--this was back when we actually had Triple Crown winners. So I went to a party, not really a party, a gathering, at my friend Linda's camp, and we drank mint juleps (with cheap bourbon, a huge disappointment to me) and cheered Smarty Jones on. We got really excited right up to the end, then What's His Name pulled ahead and we shut off the tv in total disgust. Ken is convinced the race was crooked and the owner of the winning horse is a gangster. Who knows. Anyway, we had more wine and duck for dinner, another late night with lots of alcohol. Linda and Erdvilas drink a lot when they're in camp. Yesderday was a cold day but the black flies were fierce anyway. Linda hosted Sunday dinner--huge steaks cooked on a grill, the steaks she had shipped to Ken on dry ice for his birthday. More bourbon, but the good stuff this time. We had a nice visit, good time for everyone. I made the dessert. Something different this time: chocolate almond torte. I always make cheesecake, so that's what they expected. This time I ground up almonds and chocolate, added whipped egg yolks and melted butter, almond extract, sugar, whipped egg whites and baked it. I was sorely disappointed, not enough almond OR chocolate flavor, but everyone else loved it. Still searching for the perfect dessert I am. After dinner I didn't do my usual napping away the afternoon, no, I read old magazines and watched Law & Order--what a great way to spend a few hours! I loved it. I glued stuff in my scrapbook, something I'm way behind in doing. I've got the stuff saved, just haven't glued it into the book.

Ronald Reagan finally died. This means we get Friday off, it's a National Day of Mourning. Decent.

The sun is bright, the day is clear and 70--my idea of a perfect day. But today I'm at work, for the first full day all week. Weds. I had to go to a lunch meeting at the college, which turned out much better than I expected. I knew lots of the people there, including the agent from Cooperative Extension, who even remembered me (go figure). It's a great project we're working on, identifying community resources so we can all refer people to each other when informational needs arise. PBS station, cooperative ext., public, law, college and special libraries and a few token other agencies thrown in. It's a grant so we have deadlines and it's task/action driven. Thank goodnes my agency isn't doing it this time, we're just along for the ride. We're taking field trips to different agencies, too. yahoo! field trips! Arent' grown-ups funny, though.

Yesterday I stayed home. The dogs ran away the night before--Tess and Jack took of when I got home from Ken's, at 9:30, and didn't come back until 6:00 a.m. I didn't really freak out, but Chances did. I just took a pill and went to bed at 2, after driving around the "neighborhood" and calling them. There's no one in any of the camps so I don't know where they could have been. I decided someone, somewhere must have stolen them so I'd never see them again (although I must admit I was mystified as to why anyone would steal Jackson). Oddly enough I made peace with it. The drama wasn't as great for me, dealing with Henry's death has made dog drama so much less important to me. Anyway, at 5:30 I woke up and at 6 they appeared on the deck, wet and breathless. I felt crummy, blue and sad so I stayed home. Had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon anyway. So it rained most of the day, then the sun would come out, then it would get cold, then all of sudden it started to hail. Way cool! The sound on a tin roof of 1/4" hailstones is not to be believed. I loved it. The ground was covered in white but no damaged done to plants. It was great. After the doctor's I went to Walmart and bought 10 small geraniums for 75 cents apiece. How can you go wrong with that? The night before I'd bought a bunch at a new greenhouse but noticed I'd only bought a few reds, so I got 10 red ones. These are for the cemetery. Since Lin wasn't with me I got no ugly colors, really. She usually picks out the brightest, gaudiest colors and I put them on the graves of the ickiest uncles. This time I'm not sure who will get what colors. Guess I'm feeling more charitable about the dead.

I had a nice conversation with my psychiatrist about what the Jews believe about afterlife and the dead. "You mean you don't do good deeds so someething good will happen to you in the afterlife?" "No, you do good deeds to be good while you're alive, to improve life on the planet now." What a revolutionary concept. Maybe I was meant to be Jewish. We talked about the possiblity of the existence of an afterlife. I don't know, I like to think there's something of Henry still in existence, a spirit, but it's too hard for me to formalize into a concept. I'm afraid organized religion has really ruined me for any abstract thoughts on matters like this. Squashed my creative conceptualization skills.

Ken actually cooked part of dinner Wednesday night, a true treat for me. Then he actually, even more remarkable, turned off the television as I was getting ready to leave, and we had a nice, long conversation. It was delightful, relaxed and a really nice evening. I didn't get home until after 9 (just in time for the dogs to run off) but didn't mind a bit, since we'd really connected so nicely and the evening had been such a companionable experience. Maybe I gave off vibes that I needed that, who knows. I sort of collapsed at my friend Linda's house on Monday night, after a huge crowd of people left. Started talking about Henry, then before I knew it I was crying. It was really hard to be in camp with Jenica all the time over the weekend, thinking about Henry, wishing he were still alive and would be there sometime soon. I still just feel so sad.

Tonight I'm having dinner with Bill, Linda and that awful boyfriend of hers. Am I looking forward to this? Not particularly, but it's nice to socialize. Sometimes I feel I have an obligation to be with other people. You can't spend ALL your time by yourself, it's not healthy. If you want friends you have to do things they want to do. Plus, when I'm with friends I enjoy their company. I used to be a very sociable person, always craving the company of other people. Now I long for the solitude of my home in the evenings and on the weekend. There are certain people I really look forward to visiting with, but there's always an element of "socialization is creeping into my life." Seems strange for me to feel that way but sure is lucky, given where I live and how I live.

And poor Kristen had to go to the circus. I hate circuses and rodeos. Cruelty to animals, oh yes. When we were kids we went to every horse event that came along. My father was great at that (at least I think it was my father, could have been my mother, or us begging and cajoling to get it across). I can remember going to a small rodeo once and being disappointed because it seemed unkind to the animals. Now I really can't stand the thought of rodeos or circuses, but kids are entitled to experience witness these things for themselves, to draw their own conclusions. When they get older, then they can have some help seeing things, if they don't notice the shabiness of these small, traveling troupes. God they're awful. In RI when the Barnum & Bailey circus came to Providence they'd have the elephants parade down the street by the public library where I worked. OK, now THAT was cool. But then you always hear about the elephants who eventually kill their trainers--what does that tell you? And just exactly how do my dogs feel about me? I can't think Tess has anything but good feelings about me, why else would she insist on crawling under the covers and sleeping next to me? yuck.

The sun is bright, the day is clear and 70--my idea of a perfect day. But today I'm at work, for the first full day all week. Weds. I had to go to a lunch meeting at the college, which turned out much better than I expected. I knew lots of the people there, including the agent from Cooperative Extension, who even remembered me (go figure). It's a great project we're working on, identifying community resources so we can all refer people to each other when informational needs arise. PBS station, cooperative ext., public, law, college and special libraries and a few token other agencies thrown in. It's a grant so we have deadlines and it's task/action driven. Thank goodnes my agency isn't doing it this time, we're just along for the ride. We're taking field trips to different agencies, too. yahoo! field trips! Arent' grown-ups funny, though.

Yesterday I stayed home. The dogs ran away the night before--Tess and Jack took of when I got home from Ken's, at 9:30, and didn't come back until 6:00 a.m. I didn't really freak out, but Chances did. I just took a pill and went to bed at 2, after driving around the "neighborhood" and calling them. There's no one in any of the camps so I don't know where they could have been. I decided someone, somewhere must have stolen them so I'd never see them again (although I must admit I was mystified as to why anyone would steal Jackson). Oddly enough I made peace with it. The drama wasn't as great for me, dealing with Henry's death has made dog drama so much less important to me. Anyway, at 5:30 I woke up and at 6 they appeared on the deck, wet and breathless. I felt crummy, blue and sad so I stayed home. Had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon anyway. So it rained most of the day, then the sun would come out, then it would get cold, then all of sudden it started to hail. Way cool! The sound on a tin roof of 1/4" hailstones is not to be believed. I loved it. The ground was covered in white but no damaged done to plants. It was great. After the doctor's I went to Walmart and bought 10 small geraniums for 75 cents apiece. How can you go wrong with that? The night before I'd bought a bunch at a new greenhouse but noticed I'd only bought a few reds, so I got 10 red ones. These are for the cemetery. Since Lin wasn't with me I got no ugly colors, really. She usually picks out the brightest, gaudiest colors and I put them on the graves of the ickiest uncles. This time I'm not sure who will get what colors. Guess I'm feeling more charitable about the dead.

I had a nice conversation with my psychiatrist about what the Jews believe about afterlife and the dead. "You mean you don't do good deeds so someething good will happen to you in the afterlife?" "No, you do good deeds to be good while you're alive, to improve life on the planet now." What a revolutionary concept. Maybe I was meant to be Jewish. We talked about the possiblity of the existence of an afterlife. I don't know, I like to think there's something of Henry still in existence, a spirit, but it's too hard for me to formalize into a concept. I'm afraid organized religion has really ruined me for any abstract thoughts on matters like this. Squashed my creative conceptualization skills.

Ken actually cooked part of dinner Wednesday night, a true treat for me. Then he actually, even more remarkable, turned off the television as I was getting ready to leave, and we had a nice, long conversation. It was delightful, relaxed and a really nice evening. I didn't get home until after 9 (just in time for the dogs to run off) but didn't mind a bit, since we'd really connected so nicely and the evening had been such a companionable experience. Maybe I gave off vibes that I needed that, who knows. I sort of collapsed at my friend Linda's house on Monday night, after a huge crowd of people left. Started talking about Henry, then before I knew it I was crying. It was really hard to be in camp with Jenica all the time over the weekend, thinking about Henry, wishing he were still alive and would be there sometime soon. I still just feel so sad.

Tonight I'm having dinner with Bill, Linda and that awful boyfriend of hers. Am I looking forward to this? Not particularly, but it's nice to socialize. Sometimes I feel I have an obligation to be with other people. You can't spend ALL your time by yourself, it's not healthy. If you want friends you have to do things they want to do. Plus, when I'm with friends I enjoy their company. I used to be a very sociable person, always craving the company of other people. Now I long for the solitude of my home in the evenings and on the weekend. There are certain people I really look forward to visiting with, but there's always an element of "socialization is creeping into my life." Seems strange for me to feel that way but sure is lucky, given where I live and how I live.

And poor Kristen had to go to the circus. I hate circuses and rodeos. Cruelty to animals, oh yes. When we were kids we went to every horse event that came along. My father was great at that (at least I think it was my father, could have been my mother, or us begging and cajoling to get it across). I can remember going to a small rodeo once and being disappointed because it seemed unkind to the animals. Now I really can't stand the thought of rodeos or circuses, but kids are entitled to experience witness these things for themselves, to draw their own conclusions. When they get older, then they can have some help seeing things, if they don't notice the shabiness of these small, traveling troupes. God they're awful. In RI when the Barnum & Bailey circus came to Providence they'd have the elephants parade down the street by the public library where I worked. OK, now THAT was cool. But then you always hear about the elephants who eventually kill their trainers--what does that tell you? And just exactly how do my dogs feel about me? I can't think Tess has anything but good feelings about me, why else would she insist on crawling under the covers and sleeping next to me? yuck.

I haven't gone to the monument company yet to see about Henry's headstone. I didn't feel like doing it yesterday but will do it one afternoon this week. Guess that means either tomorrow or Friday. Friday is supposed to be sunny and warm so maybe I'll leave work early and do it then. They're only open until 3. I'll scope it out then, find out cost, options, time frame, etc. and will report back to everyone after that. OK, now I'm made a commitment and must follow through with this. I've been putting it off.

Back to work, back to work. Since I haven't really DONE any work since I got here, I can't really say I'm back. So far I've read everyone's blogs and paid some bills, had a meeting and drank some coffee. Now I'm moving on to Diet Coke and getting ready for a kick-off luncheon I have to go to in the director's place. I don't know much about this luncheon--it's to kick off a grant for community resources and apparently we're a community resource. You're supposed to bring a listing of the resources that you offer. We don't have a listing--no brochure, no publicity, nothing like that. Just a web page (cefls.org, in case anyone's interested), so I'll show up empty-handed and be woefully inadequate and probably embarrass myself. Again. All I really want to do is some work, like clear off my desk to make a spot where I could actually do some work. But at least it's Wednesday.

Last night I came into town to do some grocery shopping. I got the check for my stock, and I love to shop for food when I actually have money to spend. It's such a luxury--buy whatever you want to buy: dog food in the BIG bag, 3 big boxes of soda, 2 boxes of Cheerios to stock up, stupid stuff, I know, but it feels good to be ahead of the game in the pantry. I always want to have food in the pantry, it's part of the "I live in the woods and you never know" way of life you never get away from where I live.

I had a long, long phone conversation with Liza yesterday afternoon. She's very sad. Her grief mechanism is not really anger, it's just a way of not being nice. She admits that, which is pretty funny "I don't feel like being nice." I told her we would always be all right with each other. I'm certainly not going to jeopardize my relationship with my mother or risk losing her at this point in my life. I have too few members of my family left as it is. Anyway, she's pretty blue and the weather has been a contributing factor, too much rain and gray skies. I think I cheered her and will try calling again later in the week. Wait, there isn't much later in the week, it's already Weds. Well, over the weekend I'll certainly call again. She doesn't read the blogs and checks her email infrequently but I think we've all been calling her. Maybe we could keep calling her frequently. She at least is admitting that she feels very sad because her son died, something she hasn't always done. She's been gardening a lot, shovelling the horse shit they had delivered, which makes her feel pretty good. She and Mark went to the cemetery in Leicester to put geraniums on David, Betty, Grannie and Nonnie's graves. Since she usually has to do this alone it was really great to have Mark go along.

My union rep reports that CEF's attorney called to say they're reporting to the board at the June board meeting what our proposal is and will see what the board recommends so we won't know whether they accept it or not until the end of the month. At least they haven't rejected it. I don't know for sure what the board will do but I sort of think they'll accept it in the spirit of negotiating things. If they reject it they look bad. It gives us 5 days without pay instead of 10 days without pay, which was what they were saying we should have this year because there are 27 pay periods--it's really complicated and convoluted and the whole thing came up because they didn't see it coming last year or the year before and plan ahead. It's a leap year, and this sort of thing happens every 11 years or so when the number of days finally adds up so that there is an extra 2 week period in the payroll cycle. Last time this happened they ignored it and just payed us 27 times, as most agencies are doing this year. But it looks as if management didn't plan ahead if they do that, so they want to pay us only 26 times this year, like, not pay us for the last 2 weeks in December. That's what we're negotiating about right now, that's what the whole fight is over.

I'm really excited about the trip to Wisc. Can't believe it's 2 weeks away. I really thought Molly was going to be there longer so that she'd have time alone with Kristen, so I feel badly that I'm not leaving them any time alone together, but I have to read this book for my book group so I'll spend plenty of time by myself, leaving them together. I planned my ticket so carefully around the dates I THOUGHT Molly was going to be there. Duh. Goofed again. The book I'm reading this time is The Botany of Desire. It's the history of 4 plants: tomaotes, potatoes, tulips and marijuana, and how they have changed during their history and what influence humankind has had on them and they have had on humankind. Once again it's a book I suggested. Well, heck--no one else seems to suggest any books so it always comes back to me, the librarian to come up with something. This is a book Bill read a couple of years ago and loved, so he gave it to me for Christmas and I never read it. Good excuse for me to read it now. I feel as if this group is turning into my own private agenda for reading and I don't really like that, but they seem to agree with my choices and no one offers any other ideas. Help!

OK, almost time for lunch now. Lunch starts at 11:30, as if I wanted to eat a big meal then, when I hardly ever eat lunch at all. Unless I'm sitting on the big rock at the boat house with my dogs and my niece in the sun.

Rainy day, I'm off from work today, the last leg of my 5 day break. It's 55 out, not conducive to much of anything productive. After Jenica left yesterday I weeded and planted in one bed and got quite a bit done until I couldn't stand the bugs for another minute. Only got 2/3 of that garden set--I really have a short attention span, it's a curse, I tell you. Combination of being bipolar and a video kid. I was sure I'd finish it today but it's cold and yucky and I just don't feel like being outside right now. The dogs are all curled up and snoring--being with Jenica wore them out with love. They adore her (and so do I). At one point yesterday (was it only yesterday?) I was lying in the warm, warm sun next to the water, on the big rock by the boat house. On one side was Tess My Sweet, on the other was Chances, next to her was Jenica. Chances had a smile on her face, lying next to Jenica. I said "I'm in hog heave, lying here with my three girls." We really had a grand weekend. Nothing but sun, boat house, dogs and fun. It was very sad for me to open camp, thinking of Henry the whole time, but it was great to get it done, get beds made, set to stay there. It was 34 on Saturday night so we didn't stay there, and 31 Sunday night so we didn't stay there, but the days were sunny and the lake was beautiful. We sat on my deck in the mornings for a bit, then had picnic lunches on the big rock at the boat house and enjoyed the lapping of the water and read/dozed/chatted in the sun. Cold wind on Saturday so we moved indoors and huddled under blankets until we were thoroughly chilled and finally rushed home to my house, where I'd had the heat on all day and it was warm. I actually lit a fire in the stove as well. I didn't cover my plants but brought in some of the most tender ones. Linda and Erdvilas drove through Tupper Lake on their way here and said the municipal plantings had all been covered with people's sheets to protect them from the predicted frost and looked really funny, all different colored and patterened sheets. Me, I live dangerously, close to the edge, and covered nothing. No loses, though.

I've planted lots of flowers but need to buy more, plant more, plus get my cukes and tomatoes. Buy more! Plant more! Keep going until I can't stand it for another minute!

What we discovered this weekend: Tess loves to swim. She discovered she's a water dog, a true water dog. She goes in the water and swims a bit frenetically but swims with joy, then comes out, wags and wags her tail, shakes, runs into the woods, comes back out and goes back into the water and repeats the exercise. Jackson, who was reported to me to love, love, love the water, was not at all enthusiastic about going in the water but splashed in the boat slip. The lake is high and water is up to the shelf in the slip right now. So Jenica and the dogs are the only ones who have been swimming so far this year. Me, I rinsed my hands in the water and that's it.

Last night I went to my friend Linda's camp to see her for the first time of the season. There was a crowd there, Bill and two students who'd been helping him open his camp, his cousin Joe and his wife plus son and daughter-in-law, and of course Erdvilas the Evil and the 4 pugs. I stayed too late, having a nice visit with Linda. I had a nice visit with Joe and his son because Erdvilas was lecturing Joe's daughter-in-law on the principles of photography for at least an hour (bless Brooke, she was very polite and listened, or pretended to listen). I'll see Linda a few more times this week. We'll go out to dinner at the restaurant they like to go to in Wilmington, she'll cook for Ken and me, then we'll have Sunday dinner together. It's fun to have things pick up right where they left off in October, the last time we saw each other. One season melds into the next year. Of course, the husband of one of our friends died during the winter, she owns a camp next to Linda's. She went to a psychic to talk to him after he died, and spoke to her long-dead son as well (they "came forward" to her, she wrote to Linda). hmmmmm.

I've dreamt of Henry twice over the weekend. Once he had a terminal illness, the second time he was helping Liza and then showed me how to help her. Jeez, not too obvious, that one. He's been so much on my mind, spending all those hours at camp. Jenica had a great time together, saying the same thing at the same time, something we always do when we're together. And of course she looks so much like him. It's nice to be with someone to talk about him with, I feel lucky to be near enough to her geographically (and of course emotionally) to have this be possible. Camp is a sad place since his death, but camp will always be camp, our home and haven, and a beautiful place to be. The lake is blue, the sky is huge and wide and the mountains right now are many shades of green and are just beautiful.

Ahhhh, a day off. Although I slept later than planned, at least I've been productive so far today. I really, really wanted to mow the lawn, asked Lin if I could borrow her new self-propelled fancy mower which she delivered last night, but it rained this morning (again) so that was out for today. Instead I attacked the pantry, cleaning the shelves of old food, sorting out the good stuff, and sorted my silver. My god I have a lot of silver. Thank you Liza and Keela. Mostly I have Grannie's and some of Nan's flatware, with miscellaneous serving things. Very nice to have, and I use it all the time. I have a ton--really, a ton, of silverplate flatware which I seem to have collected over the years. I saved some for myself but will offer it to Jenica when she comes and give the remainder to camp. So now I feel self-righteous at having completed a project, but have to go to the dump with a big load. Am waiting for a check from sale of paltry bit of stock so I can balance my checkbook and hopefully buy some firewood for next year (or maybe just pay mortgage for May), so after the mail comes I'll go the the dump, then hopefully to town to deposit a check and do some grocery shopping. The dogs got to eat: pasta (bowties), ramen noodles, pecans and granola bars. Can you imagine the farts tonight? They were skeptical of the pecans (except for Chances, who's never skeptical about ANYTHING I feed her) but decided they really liked them after all.

Had a great meeting of the book group last night. We seem to have settled on a group of 7, really nice people (including the one who's mother I worked with in RI). We had a great time discussing the book (East of Eden) and talked about a lot of other stuff as well. It was really nice, lasted 2 1/2 hours. We covered the book really well this time, everyone had a lot to say. Not everyone had finished the book, only 4 of us had (including me!) but the others had plenty to offer anyway. It was really nice, Lin and I rode partway home together and raved about it on the way. The woman hosting it lives in AuSable Acres (remember when that was just started being developed, Molly--in the '70's, really controversial, now just part of the area) in a really small house designed to be a vacation home. She has 2 Chessies and a Jack Russel terrier.

Yesterday I went to the area network's annual meeting in Lake Placid. Had a morning session on communication in the workplace, focusing on confrontation. It was good--I offered some nuggets about how my boss deals with confrontation (separate the individuals and forbid them to discuss the topic ever again). Then we had lunch and I got to sit with Fred and Julie. Julie really makes Fred laugh so that was fun. The speaker was the editor of Publishers Weekly, really hot shit, so that was really cool. She was great. I came home afterwards instead of going to work, which meant I got home at 2:00, a bonus. I meant to mow my lawn but discovered my mower is broken, the safety cable is snapped so it won't pull start. RATS! I feel helpless now but will find a place to get it fixed.

It's cooler here now, only supposed to be in the 60's. That's not great, I prefer it about 10 degrees warmer. Maybe it will help with the black flies, which are ferocious and plentiful. So are the mosquitoes. Nasty stuff, makes being outdoors less pleasant. I need to do lots of gardening, planting and weeding, but digging in the dirt really stirs up the flies. I don't think I'll have as many containers this year, just don't feel like getting that involved. Will do cukes and tomatoes again, and Lin gave me hundreds of carrot seeds so I may plant them as well. That's tougher, though, have to do them in the ground I think.

So things are good, not perfect but good. Lately I've been feeling sad at night, it comes over me like a wave but doesn't last too long. That's progress, I figure. I don't have the blues the way I did, have more energy and interest in things, but there's a pall hanging over me. I still have my moments of "Henry, are you really dead?" but maybe that's because I live here, where he always loved being and will never be again. I expect to see him here. I look at his pictures (not quite the way Margaret does, but yet somewhat the same way) and sometimes I smile and sometimes I feel very, very sad. Since the pictures are all over my house, and on my desk at work, he's always there.

Time to check on the mail. After that I had sworn to myself I would go to the granite company to talk about Henry's headstone. But now I'm feeling maybe I'll wait until Tuesday for that, it's supposed to rain that day too. I can't keep putting it off, I know, but I have so many errands to run today and I feel I need to make that more of a single activity. I also need to go to the cemetery to figure out where we want the headstone to be. I talked to Charlie, the undertaker, and got the information about what needs to be done. Kristen has the paperwork we need, and it'll cost $40 even if we dig the hole and do it all ourselves. Don't know how much the headstone will cost, that's one of the things I need to find out. And I have no idea how we'll pay for it.

On to the back room/library. That's a HUGE job. Need to get it well underway before NYPD Blue comes on or I have to head to town, whichever comes first.

The sun was out today, briefly, but I saw it! This rain has been incredible, for days on end. My rain barrels are both full to the brim, which is rare for so early in the season. My lawn is tall, tall, tall, which isn't really so rare but is a real drag, since I haven't got my mower going yet and it's too wet to mow anyway. I'm hoping to get it going tomorrow and actually maybe even mow tomorrow night.

Today is my last real day of work for a while. Tomorrow I go to the annual meeting of our umbrella network, where the people are nice and it's always a nice gathering. I'm off Friday, Monday is Memorial Day, and I'm off on Tuesday. YAHOO! THere's much to be done at home, much, much cleaning. The sun is supposed to shine on Friday and Saturday, which will be a treat, and Jenica is coming as well. We'll get the boat house set and hopefully will stay in camp. Don't know if anyone else is coming, haven't heard anything.

Yesterday was the trip to Albany to meet with union lawyer and judge to see if we had to negotiate with management regarding the payroll issue of leap year and an "extra" pay period. Well, no, as a matter of fact, the judge said we don't have to negotiate with them. But, he said, we'd be wise to reach some sort of compromise or they can just yank a paycheck from us and we would have to grieve it (and we know I'm getting good at grieving) and might not win so we'd lose the money anyway, it would just take longer to resolve. The victory was sweet but short-lived. But it was sweet, oh so sweet, to have the judge say we were right. So we talked and talked with the CSEA attorney and payroll specialist, both telling us our cause was basically a lost one, and finally I came up with what I thought was an ok compromise, one I thought I could sell to the members. We proposed it to management (via attorneys, of course we never meet face to face about these things). They said they'd let us know today. It's 4:15 and there's been no word, of course. I suppose no news is good in that it's not a rejection of our proposal.

Meeting all day with automated libraries--exhausting but very productive. It was a good group and they were animated and full of good ideas and enthusiasm from 9 until 2:45. I was impressed. I led the 9-12 portion, the automation consultant led the afternoon.

And now I head home, rest and play with the dogs for 45 minutes, then have dinner with Ken. Tomorrow night is the book group, discussing East of Eden. Another group of animated and interesting people. Then I'm free and clear of people until Sunday, when it's time to visit with Linda and Erdvilas, who will be here from Michigan for a week or so.

Amazing what a weekend at Silver Lake and the enthusiastic embrace of friends will do. Spent a good part of yesterday with Lin, who was opening my friend Linda's camp. Lin came here first for a cup of tea and a short visit. At one point she looks up at my door and says "There are strangers here. No, really, strangers." It was Elsa, with half of her hair sticking straight out to the sides, and Carla. They had planned to walk the bog but there were other people there so they came to see me instead. They stayed a while, all is well with them. Just came to camp for the weekend. Later in the day I took a picnic lunch to Lin, we had a nice time at Linda's, watching a loon swim on the glassy lake. It was a cloudy and cold day--I had a fire in my stove. Quiet peaceful night, hanging out with my sweet dogs. Today I went to Sunday dinner of course. Got to see some seasonal friends, people I really like. He's a glass blower, she's a really cool person too. Lots of talk about how crazy Bush is, which is always fun. It was great to see them, now the season begins and we'll be seeing more and more people each day. Spent time this afternoon planting flowers in containers. That's always fun, mixing colors and textures. I'm using some reds this year, which I never do. It's hard to find anything to go with red. I usually just use pinks and purples, so this is a challenge. I still have plenty of flowers to plant, even more containers to fill, plus lots of work in my flower beds to do. Hoping to get t that this week. It's supposed to rain but warm up. It was in the 50's yesterday, miserably cold. Warmer today but only 60's. I've put most of my houseplants outside, a real sign of the season.

It's so nice to be home! I only have to work 4 days this week but it's Week from Hell. Board meeting tomorrow afternoon, Albany on Tuesday, all day meeting on Weds., regional network meeting on Thursday (of course, that's like a party) then I'm off, off, off for 5 long glorious days. Beyond that all I can think of is that the director's on vacation and not long after that I go to Kristen's to see K, Margaret and Grace--and Molly and Anna. How cool is all that?

Morpheus

OK, everyone, don't follow me, just acknowledge my plan.

And now it's late in the day and I'm hysterical because I called my doctor, finally, mustering up my emotional courage, to tell him that my brother died of heart problems. I thought he'd just want to have a quiet conversation with me, discussing what we might want to consider doing or thinking about next. But NOOOOOO, he wants to see me right away, tomorrow morning at 9:15. This scares the shit out of me and upsets me because I don't really want to talk to him about how my brother just died, that still makes me very sad so of course I'll cry. And I still feel as if I'm crying wolf when I talk about heart disease because I think I sound like a neurotic fool whining about yet another perceived problem. But seriuosly, I'm afraid of what's going on inside of my body. Every time I have a strange twinge above my waist I'm sure it's a clot or some sort of plug in one of my veins or arteries. So this is a good thing, to see the doctor. At least he'll reassure me, if he doesn't think I should be hysterical. And now I sit, legally tranquilized, waiting for the end of the day so I can go home to mess with my dogs and my plants, haul out my mower just in case I decide to try to get it started (although that would require gasolline). Ken told me his secret to getting them started: pour gasoline directly on the spark plug if it doesn't start after severl primings and pulls. OK, sure, first you have to unscrew the spark plug and we all know that can't be simple for me to do. Anyway, I'll try not to think of the inadequacies of my circulatory system tonight. I just remember when I was in first grade and they decided there was something terribly wrong with my heart and did a battery of tests and Liza was really, really worried, which she never was about her children. Turned out all tlhey could figure was a heart murmer. Then Henry and Molly developed them too, later on.

And the junky fiction I've been discarding this afternoon is beyond belief. The Mutiny on the Bounty series, plus everything else Nordoff ever wrote. And moving right along to Andre Norton. At least I finally finished the M's--that was a milestone (yes, that's right, M is for Milestone). And tomorrow is Friday. I have a project to work on, which is a good thing, and it's something I can stand to do (coming up with a PLAN, yes a PLAN for member libraries to follow in the process of automating). Then I have to set up an agenda for next week's automated ILL meeting. And on Tuesday I'm off to Albany for the hearing about whether we negotiated in bad faith (if you type that really fast it comes out bath) when we refused to negoitate about whether we should go for 2 weeks without pay this year because management screwed it all up and didn't plan for a 27-pay-period year. Oh swell, a face-off with CEF's attorney. Not alone, though--our union rep, union attorney and 3 of us are going. It's in Albany so will take the entire day, from 7:00 to at least 4 I suppose.

Just let me get to the weekend, the blessed weekend.

I'm Morpheus, which I like because it means I come up with a good plan but don't have to be the leader. I quit needing to be the leader a long time ago. It feels so good NOT wanting to be the leader, watching other people want to lead. It's not that I want to follow, actually I'd rather be leading only myself, knowing I have a way that's right for me, and may be best for other people as well. I'm not a follower as much as one who has a good path for herself and welcomes anyone else who thinks it might be a good path for them as well. Right now my boss thinks I have good paths and she wants to follow mine. Next month she may think my paths lead to hell. You can imagine what a treat it is to work with someone like that.

Weather in a beautiful holding pattern. Cool this morning. I like these days when you have the heat on in your car in the morning because your hands tingle from the cold, but it's so warm during the day that you don't need to wear socks (why is it all about the extremities?). Tess attacked the sole remaining roll of toilet paper this morning. Shame on me for not getting out of bed before she did. It's intact, just in shreds. My check will be available to spend at midnight tonight so I can go shopping tomorrow on my way home from work. Hooray! More toilet paper!

Another banner day, sunny and clear. Slightly cooler than it's been--a front went through yesterday with a line of showers. It was wicked humid during the day, then the rains came and washed the air. Lucky thing it rained, my little planties needed some water wicked bad.

I spent the morning toting boxes of books to the dumpster that Plattsburgh Public Library had for the day. That was fine, but the sides of the dumpster were about 6 1/2' high, so I had to toss the boxes up over my head. I'm not THAT strong, and didn't need to be reminded of it. Since there's no one else interested in doing the work, one of the clerks and I did it. I just love this place, everyone is eager to help out, as long as it's work they feel like doing. If it's work they don't feel like doing suddenly it becomes not their job and therefore not their job. Is it really MY job, as a 25-year veteran with a master's degree to throw boxes of books into a dumpster? But then, I do like variety in my job--I believe us oranges are known for that. That's orange, not anjers.

Today is mellower. I slept later. OK, didn't sleep, but was really entertained by the 2 brown girls for at least 20 minutes while they tried to get me out of bed. They weren't sure I was awake, but they suspected it. Chances put her nose under my head (I'm face down on the pillow) and gave it a mighty shove. My head bobs up a bit. She does that at least 6 times, then tries the same move with a paw. Tess tries an attack from the other side, from the floor. All I can see of Tess through the comforter is a huge brown nose, exaggerated and distorted because I don't have my glasses on and everything else of her is blurry. She nudges her way into my face over and over, getting more and more frustrated. If they could talk to each other they'd be like Molly and I were when we were children, carrying on a variety of conversations that sisters do. Finally I speak, only a couple of words, which drives them wild with glee and they both jump and bounce on the bed. When I roll over they're both standing still, looking down at me, wagging their tails with the cutest expressions on their faces. I think everyone should have two sweet female chocolate Labs. When we make it to the living room, Jackson is still sleeping in the bright sunlight on the couch, picks his head up slowly, "Wha? time to get up?" I could really stay home day after day and play with these dogs. But then my life would really be strange, wouldn't it.

So I spent the morning weeding old rotten fiction books and the afternoon deleting records from the data base. yawn. At least this week I've put together a mammoth book order, trying desperatelyl to catch us up with what's going on in the world of publishing. I'm about 6 weeks behind, not having placed an order since before I went to Wisconsin. Shame on me, not a good thing for our (not so) patient patrons. And now I incur the wrath of the clerk who actually places the orders, because this will be a $9000 order, so big it will cause her to actually have to work. Can't win for trying around here--she hates it when I don't order because that's her favorite part of her job.

Tonight I cook for Ken. He wants to come to my house and I haven't cleared off the dinner table yet so I have to hustle when I get home. No, REALLY hustle. There's no space bigger than about a 2" square on the table right now. I did finally move the mittens and knit hat and put them away for the summer, but the q-tips that escaped from the box that Tess chewed up are all over the table and there are 3 bins of dog food and so many other things on the table I couldn't begin to list them. Where will I put them? Some of them have as their permanent home...THE DINNER TABLE. I swept the floor this morning in prep. of his visit. I always count on his vision being poor, and during the winter months I can count on its being dark, but now it's light until 8:30 so the floor needs to be relatively clean. The house is messy but that doesn't seem to bother him. What will I cook? Chicken thighs I took out of the freezer from quite a while ago. I love checking epicurious.com for recipes. They have 128 recipes for chicken thighs so I settled on oven-fried chicken. That should please him. And rice pilaf, I know he likes that, and a green vegetable, which only I feed him.

And tomorrow is Thursday, after which comes Friday, and then we're into another weekend. So soon? Yes, at last. This weekend I told Ken I'd buy him his tomato plants. This means I have to go back to Lamoy's and will buy myself some more annuals. Getting paid on Friday will enable me to spend at least $20 of disposable income on plants. At $1.99 a 6-pack--you do the math. For every 10 6-packs you get 1 free. Pansies are only $1.29/6-pack. But I've already bought about 10 of them, maybe that's enough. Pansies have been a favorite since I was a small child.

I have to mow my lawn. I didn't take the mower in for servicing, no cash (tired of this theme?). It shouldn't really need work. Ken asked if I had it serviced. "Not this year." But you'll change the oil? "Well, yes, I guess so. What weight should I use?" Straght 30 I should guess, but your owner's manual will tell you. Oh yeah, where the hell is the owner's manual? So then he tells me how to change the oil. But at least he reminded me that first and foremost I have to CHECK the oil before I even start it up, to make sure there's oil in it. This is a good thing, a very good thing. All I was thinking about was having to buy yet another gas container because the dog took off with the one I got last year and dragged it into the woods somewhere. As if I didn't have enough responsibilities maintaining the house, I have to tune up my mower as well.

And when I was doing the wash the other day the hose on the back of the machine came loose from the pipe that goes out to the drywell and instead of having water go into the machine, water was being pumped onto the floor. Like at least 8 gallons, while I pulled the machine away from the wall and assessed the situation and figured out how to solve it. At least I could solve it--replace the pipe that had fallen loose, stick the hose back in the pipe, and it was as if it had never happened, except for the 1/2 inch of water all over the floor. That's such a lot of water, really it is. So I put towels down all over the floor, then I have to wash the towels and it just seems to be such a cycle--do the wash, mop the wash water, wash the towels used to mop the washwater. The joys of homeowning. And now the floor is clean, very clean. And even the plywood under the vinyl tile is still wet, and that happened days ago. Dry, damn it, dry! (when we had an ancient dachshund nicknamed in his elder years Darbert, my father would look at him and say, "Die, Darbert, Die!").

And now it's nearly time to go home. Try to find the 2 rolls of toilet paper that Tess took off the window sill this morning. Where did she put them? I'm now down to the last roll. Not a good thing for someone who lives alone and is at the mercy of a paper-obsessed puppy.

So it's a beautiful, really beautiful, nearly perfect day. Sunny, clear, cool breeze so you don't get too hot. I took the morning off to sit on the deck and try to finish reading East of Eden--I think the book group meets this week to discuss it and I needed to get closer to the end. Now I'm sunburned and at work, cataloging audio books. They're easier to do than videos, there are no directors or stars, just narrators that need to be included. The morning was fine, the dogs liked it and stuck around, lying in the sun, getting up to wobble around and pant before collapsing again nearby. Sure, I felt good about things until I called the granite company to make a polite inquiry about my brother's headstone. I'll go there to look it all over and find out details next week. The hours they're available coincide nearly exactly with the hours I work but I'm off next Friday so perhaps I'll do it then. I waited until it was almost time to leave for work this morning. Then I cried. How sad is this? My brother's headstone? Is this something I want to be doing? Well, no, but who does, and it has to be done and it won't be hard for me to do it, I just have to go there and talk to them and go to the cemetery to figure out where it goes and tell them what to put on it and what type of print to use (Cam says to use the same print as all the other stones--need to converse with others about this). It's just so sad that my brother is dead, it's never far from my thoughts, just sometimes closer to the surface than others, and the thought of a headstone with his name on it is really sad, so sad.

But the weekend was good. I was sad Saturday morning, thinking of the impending activity: buying plants to garden with. That of course makes us all think of Henry. I set it up last week with Lin that we would go plant shopping together on Saturday, so off we went. To our favorite spots. I bought lots, really lots of annuals. No perennials yet this year. I may skip them pretty much, I have a lot already and am of limited funds. Had fun with Lin, cheered me up quite a bit. Nothing like a lot of plants, eager to go in the ground, to cheer you up, really. Now they all look hopeful and optimistic about their futures as they sit in their 6-packs on my deck, waiting for me to take action. I planted the lilies yesterday, figured out where I wanted them and had a nice time putting them in the ground, thinking nice things about Henry. Guess maybe that was part of the purpose of the whole exercise, wasn't it. We had our usual Sunday dinner but it was grilled pork chops, a nice treat. Everyone was festive and we had extra people at the table for a nice change of pace. It's almost summer at Silver Lake and the population is growing. The leaves get bigger and so does the human population--I'm sure there's a ratio there.

Talked to Ralph about Molly's visit to her neighborhood cello maker. He loved hearing about it. Talked about luthers (instrument makers) and how most people don't like talking to them because they're considered to be such snobs. Not MY sister, I said proudly, she really liked talking to him, they had a great conversation about the philosophy of the instruments and how the music is made by them. Boy did he shine when he heard that. I love having something in common with my sister like that. We have so little in common with our day-to-day lives, it's really great when we come up with something to share like that. And who would think it would be instrument making? Of course, I don't really have it in common, it's really peripheral, but it's fun to connect with her that way. So far away, Italy is.

Now it's nearing the end of the day. When you come to work at 1 the afternoon just flies by. Should always work 1-5, that would be a grand arrangement, wouldn't it. I meant to get to Sonci over the weekend but didn't make it. Yesterday I read in the sun a but after dinner but of course fell asleep pretty quickly. Maybe tonight I can get down there with the dogs and start putting the boat house together. If it's warm enough at night I'll sleep there. The loons are back, have been for a while, and my hummingbirds were really happy to have my feeder up so they can buzz me on the deck and fight with each other. I've already had one in the house I had to struggle with to help out the upstairs window. That motivated me to put the screen door on, but of course you have to actually close the screen door for it to be effective, and the dogs would rather have the door left open so they can go in and out and in and out. and in and out. They're very happy these days. And almost well-behaved.

So it's another summer-like day, truly wonderful and warm. The leaves in the Champlain Valley are huge and bright green. Not so big at home, but green nevertheless. My daylilies came with UPS today, so this weekend I'll have to decide where to put them. These are the ones I bought with Fred's HGR2 memorial money so they're special. Small and single plants, 5 varieties in all, but special nevertheless. Some are fragrant, some are short. Should be fun to figure out where to put them. Putting them in, not so much fun if the black flies are still out in force.

What else is up for the weekend? Buying plants with Lin, of course! It's May, what else would be going on! We've set up tomorrow as a trip to our favorite spot, and I'll get some annuals to start with my containers. Nothing special, just a start to make me feel as if life is going on and spring is truly underway. Other than that all I really need to do is try to get the dog hair and pee smell out of my rug. And find an answer to the question: Why does my dog pee on my bed? She did it last night, while I was watching tv in the living room. What's up with that? At least she peed on the other side of the bed, where Tess often sleeps. OK, so I guess we can figure out the motivation on that one. "You suck on my ear all night so I'll pee on your bedding." But honestly, this has got to stop. I like to leave the bedroom door open to create a nice cross-breeze in the house, but perhaps I can't even do that when I'm home. The hell with them all.

Nice evening with Ken last night, I know he appreciated the fact that I actually laughed with him for the first time in a month. He felt comfortable enough to take a long nap after dinner in front of CNN, our old familiar pattern. Chances woke him up after half an hour, though, apparently figuring the evening should come to a close so he should wake up to say good night to us. Since the Godiva chocolates were gone and we were eating the Whitmans I guess it was ok to leave. We did have a nice time, though. This year he's designing my new deck for me. Each time I see him he asks another question about it. Latest idea is that part of it has a roof over it so I can store wood under it in the winter. I suggested it be screened in but he pretended he didn't hear me. Yes, I can tell when he's pretending he doesn't hear me. Anyway, I need to figure out how to scare up the money to order the wood and have it delivered soon so we can get going on this deck, I really need a new one. This would be an extremely good thing to get done.

Now it's quittin' time and I can go home. Stop to pick up prints from the march in DC on my way home. I had enlargements made of the great picture of Henry on the sleeping porch from last year, one for my desk and one to put on the Wall of Fallen Heroes at camp. It's such a great shot, such a typical pose and expression.

So it's supposed to be 80 again today. Seems as if every year we have an abnormally warm period early in the season, which we all forget about but refer to longingly later on.

I just returned from a 2 hour demonstration at Planned Parenthood (which is half a block from where I work)--actually it only amounted to an hour of standing on the sidewalk holding a signe, sandwiched between two anti's with signs declaring "Abortions kill children." Yeah, well, illegal abortions kill women. Anyway, it was a special demonstration today because they had their Chain of Life stretching around the block (they didn't quite have enough people to go around the block). We were there ostensibly to escort patients into the clinic, but we had more than enough people for escorts so the rest of us stood there holding signs. Time passes VERY slowly if you're not chanting or marching. While I was there I saw: my friend Ann (whose brother died homeless, who used to be president of the PP board, when they decided to perform abortions 10 years ago), a woman who also boards her dogs at Joan's (and has Brittanys and does field trials with them), my librarian friend Patty (who ended a 14-year long relationship 11 weeks ago, not her idea, and had to re-finance a home and camp because of it), my reading group friend who works there (whose mother, it turns out, worked in the Reference Dept. at the Providence Public Library with me), another good liberal friend, and of course my boss, with whom I went over there and whose idea it was to do it in the first place. It was a good thing to do and I feel appropriately self-righteous. They wanted those of us who were in DC to talk about our experience there so I talked about it and was able to give public thanks for being sponsored, then was able to thank personally someone who gave the $110 so that someone could go. That part was nice. I like getting involved in this cause and I think it's incredibly important. What will happen if Roe v. Wade is reversed? I can't even contemplate this. What's going on in this country? 77% of the anti's are male--how can people fall for this crap?

Flotsam on the bed this morning: 1 roll of toilet paper, partly shredded; 2 shoes, including a Ryka sneaker not yet chewed on--NONONO; a package of lettuce, 2 heads included--only the outer leaves were nibbled on. My but that Tess can accomplish a lot in a short period of time--it only took her about 5 minutes to do all that. Apparently Chances is feeling that the cage should be hers again, each morning she gets in it and sits down. Today Tess finally noticed and got mildly upset, walking into the cage and sitting there with her. Boy did the two of them look ridiculous. I told Chances I could shut her in there with Tess but that would really make no sense at all. Well, I suppose it would--it would solve the peeing on the beds problem, but wouldn't they be a bit crowded? They just looked so stoopid.

I got a nice email from Buzz Moore, in response to something I asked him about (buying a boat and motor), and he said he knew how close Henry and I were. Somehow it's just so comforting to hear other people validate that. Yes, we were very close. Yes, I loved my brother very much, and he appreciated me. We enjoyed each other's company and shared a special bond. No, I'm not canonizing him. He was just a very nice, very special person.