Blues for breakfast

Not feeling very perky today. Found out last night that a friend from the summer community died. She was a strange person, daughter of the former owner of the boys/girls camp that has been the source of most of my summer friends. She and her husband used to come in the fall and stay in their wonderful camp, just after Jamie left me. I spent a lot of time with them, feeling lucky to have such wonderful and stimulating friends. They were very strange: she had severe fibromyalgia and could barely function (it later turned out she was addicted to opiates for the pain), he had suffered a brain aneurysm and had surgery years before which left him not quite right but terribly bright. Anyway, I really enjoyed their company and support. They hadn't been here in many years, though each year they'd call Ken and say they were coming up. He and I would chuckle and ask each other what the odds were that they'd actually show up. So now Liz is dead and I'm having trouble accepting it. I don't know how Donald will function without her, since he could barely function with her alive. They were totally co-dependent. Anyway, sad thing.

Woke this morning with my usual sinus headache. I wish the ground would freeze completely--hoping that will stop this nonsense. Even though it's my 9:00 day I barely made it to work on time. I'm feeling that I can barely function these days, don't know if I'm adjusting to the new season or if there's something organic going on. I didn't stoke the stove last night before bed so there was no fire this morning. Decided not to build one because I was running late. This is a very bad practice and I must, must get up early enough to mess with the stove and feed the birds (I did find time to do this). I checked the mouse traps and they'd been eaten clean. That didn't add to my good cheer. Little bastards. I'll get 'em yet, oh yes I will. I guess I'm just feeling that my house is running me right now, rather than I'm running my house. I feel that way sometimes and it really sucks. At least I figured out where my wooden ladder is--I was convinced someone stole it. No, it's down at the well, where I used it to measure how empty the well was. I'm paranoid about my house these days because the past two days someone has driven up my driveway to the house (I saw tracks in the snow). I hate this, really hate this--it frightens me, makes me feel violated, makes me feel as if someone will break into the house or return when I'm there, or is just being nosy, or any number of bad things. STAY AWAY FROM MY HOME! Time after time I plot putting up a gate, but of course I have no money, and it wouldn't be practical because then how would the fire truck get there when my house is on fire? And should I ever find anyone to plow my driveway, how would the plow man get in? See--life is too complicated for me to deal with, and my house is in control of my life.

Maybe cataloging stoopid videos is just what I need.