Ahhhh, a day off. Although I slept later than planned, at least I've been productive so far today. I really, really wanted to mow the lawn, asked Lin if I could borrow her new self-propelled fancy mower which she delivered last night, but it rained this morning (again) so that was out for today. Instead I attacked the pantry, cleaning the shelves of old food, sorting out the good stuff, and sorted my silver. My god I have a lot of silver. Thank you Liza and Keela. Mostly I have Grannie's and some of Nan's flatware, with miscellaneous serving things. Very nice to have, and I use it all the time. I have a ton--really, a ton, of silverplate flatware which I seem to have collected over the years. I saved some for myself but will offer it to Jenica when she comes and give the remainder to camp. So now I feel self-righteous at having completed a project, but have to go to the dump with a big load. Am waiting for a check from sale of paltry bit of stock so I can balance my checkbook and hopefully buy some firewood for next year (or maybe just pay mortgage for May), so after the mail comes I'll go the the dump, then hopefully to town to deposit a check and do some grocery shopping. The dogs got to eat: pasta (bowties), ramen noodles, pecans and granola bars. Can you imagine the farts tonight? They were skeptical of the pecans (except for Chances, who's never skeptical about ANYTHING I feed her) but decided they really liked them after all.

Had a great meeting of the book group last night. We seem to have settled on a group of 7, really nice people (including the one who's mother I worked with in RI). We had a great time discussing the book (East of Eden) and talked about a lot of other stuff as well. It was really nice, lasted 2 1/2 hours. We covered the book really well this time, everyone had a lot to say. Not everyone had finished the book, only 4 of us had (including me!) but the others had plenty to offer anyway. It was really nice, Lin and I rode partway home together and raved about it on the way. The woman hosting it lives in AuSable Acres (remember when that was just started being developed, Molly--in the '70's, really controversial, now just part of the area) in a really small house designed to be a vacation home. She has 2 Chessies and a Jack Russel terrier.

Yesterday I went to the area network's annual meeting in Lake Placid. Had a morning session on communication in the workplace, focusing on confrontation. It was good--I offered some nuggets about how my boss deals with confrontation (separate the individuals and forbid them to discuss the topic ever again). Then we had lunch and I got to sit with Fred and Julie. Julie really makes Fred laugh so that was fun. The speaker was the editor of Publishers Weekly, really hot shit, so that was really cool. She was great. I came home afterwards instead of going to work, which meant I got home at 2:00, a bonus. I meant to mow my lawn but discovered my mower is broken, the safety cable is snapped so it won't pull start. RATS! I feel helpless now but will find a place to get it fixed.

It's cooler here now, only supposed to be in the 60's. That's not great, I prefer it about 10 degrees warmer. Maybe it will help with the black flies, which are ferocious and plentiful. So are the mosquitoes. Nasty stuff, makes being outdoors less pleasant. I need to do lots of gardening, planting and weeding, but digging in the dirt really stirs up the flies. I don't think I'll have as many containers this year, just don't feel like getting that involved. Will do cukes and tomatoes again, and Lin gave me hundreds of carrot seeds so I may plant them as well. That's tougher, though, have to do them in the ground I think.

So things are good, not perfect but good. Lately I've been feeling sad at night, it comes over me like a wave but doesn't last too long. That's progress, I figure. I don't have the blues the way I did, have more energy and interest in things, but there's a pall hanging over me. I still have my moments of "Henry, are you really dead?" but maybe that's because I live here, where he always loved being and will never be again. I expect to see him here. I look at his pictures (not quite the way Margaret does, but yet somewhat the same way) and sometimes I smile and sometimes I feel very, very sad. Since the pictures are all over my house, and on my desk at work, he's always there.

Time to check on the mail. After that I had sworn to myself I would go to the granite company to talk about Henry's headstone. But now I'm feeling maybe I'll wait until Tuesday for that, it's supposed to rain that day too. I can't keep putting it off, I know, but I have so many errands to run today and I feel I need to make that more of a single activity. I also need to go to the cemetery to figure out where we want the headstone to be. I talked to Charlie, the undertaker, and got the information about what needs to be done. Kristen has the paperwork we need, and it'll cost $40 even if we dig the hole and do it all ourselves. Don't know how much the headstone will cost, that's one of the things I need to find out. And I have no idea how we'll pay for it.

On to the back room/library. That's a HUGE job. Need to get it well underway before NYPD Blue comes on or I have to head to town, whichever comes first.

The sun was out today, briefly, but I saw it! This rain has been incredible, for days on end. My rain barrels are both full to the brim, which is rare for so early in the season. My lawn is tall, tall, tall, which isn't really so rare but is a real drag, since I haven't got my mower going yet and it's too wet to mow anyway. I'm hoping to get it going tomorrow and actually maybe even mow tomorrow night.

Today is my last real day of work for a while. Tomorrow I go to the annual meeting of our umbrella network, where the people are nice and it's always a nice gathering. I'm off Friday, Monday is Memorial Day, and I'm off on Tuesday. YAHOO! THere's much to be done at home, much, much cleaning. The sun is supposed to shine on Friday and Saturday, which will be a treat, and Jenica is coming as well. We'll get the boat house set and hopefully will stay in camp. Don't know if anyone else is coming, haven't heard anything.

Yesterday was the trip to Albany to meet with union lawyer and judge to see if we had to negotiate with management regarding the payroll issue of leap year and an "extra" pay period. Well, no, as a matter of fact, the judge said we don't have to negotiate with them. But, he said, we'd be wise to reach some sort of compromise or they can just yank a paycheck from us and we would have to grieve it (and we know I'm getting good at grieving) and might not win so we'd lose the money anyway, it would just take longer to resolve. The victory was sweet but short-lived. But it was sweet, oh so sweet, to have the judge say we were right. So we talked and talked with the CSEA attorney and payroll specialist, both telling us our cause was basically a lost one, and finally I came up with what I thought was an ok compromise, one I thought I could sell to the members. We proposed it to management (via attorneys, of course we never meet face to face about these things). They said they'd let us know today. It's 4:15 and there's been no word, of course. I suppose no news is good in that it's not a rejection of our proposal.

Meeting all day with automated libraries--exhausting but very productive. It was a good group and they were animated and full of good ideas and enthusiasm from 9 until 2:45. I was impressed. I led the 9-12 portion, the automation consultant led the afternoon.

And now I head home, rest and play with the dogs for 45 minutes, then have dinner with Ken. Tomorrow night is the book group, discussing East of Eden. Another group of animated and interesting people. Then I'm free and clear of people until Sunday, when it's time to visit with Linda and Erdvilas, who will be here from Michigan for a week or so.

Amazing what a weekend at Silver Lake and the enthusiastic embrace of friends will do. Spent a good part of yesterday with Lin, who was opening my friend Linda's camp. Lin came here first for a cup of tea and a short visit. At one point she looks up at my door and says "There are strangers here. No, really, strangers." It was Elsa, with half of her hair sticking straight out to the sides, and Carla. They had planned to walk the bog but there were other people there so they came to see me instead. They stayed a while, all is well with them. Just came to camp for the weekend. Later in the day I took a picnic lunch to Lin, we had a nice time at Linda's, watching a loon swim on the glassy lake. It was a cloudy and cold day--I had a fire in my stove. Quiet peaceful night, hanging out with my sweet dogs. Today I went to Sunday dinner of course. Got to see some seasonal friends, people I really like. He's a glass blower, she's a really cool person too. Lots of talk about how crazy Bush is, which is always fun. It was great to see them, now the season begins and we'll be seeing more and more people each day. Spent time this afternoon planting flowers in containers. That's always fun, mixing colors and textures. I'm using some reds this year, which I never do. It's hard to find anything to go with red. I usually just use pinks and purples, so this is a challenge. I still have plenty of flowers to plant, even more containers to fill, plus lots of work in my flower beds to do. Hoping to get t that this week. It's supposed to rain but warm up. It was in the 50's yesterday, miserably cold. Warmer today but only 60's. I've put most of my houseplants outside, a real sign of the season.

It's so nice to be home! I only have to work 4 days this week but it's Week from Hell. Board meeting tomorrow afternoon, Albany on Tuesday, all day meeting on Weds., regional network meeting on Thursday (of course, that's like a party) then I'm off, off, off for 5 long glorious days. Beyond that all I can think of is that the director's on vacation and not long after that I go to Kristen's to see K, Margaret and Grace--and Molly and Anna. How cool is all that?

Morpheus

OK, everyone, don't follow me, just acknowledge my plan.

And now it's late in the day and I'm hysterical because I called my doctor, finally, mustering up my emotional courage, to tell him that my brother died of heart problems. I thought he'd just want to have a quiet conversation with me, discussing what we might want to consider doing or thinking about next. But NOOOOOO, he wants to see me right away, tomorrow morning at 9:15. This scares the shit out of me and upsets me because I don't really want to talk to him about how my brother just died, that still makes me very sad so of course I'll cry. And I still feel as if I'm crying wolf when I talk about heart disease because I think I sound like a neurotic fool whining about yet another perceived problem. But seriuosly, I'm afraid of what's going on inside of my body. Every time I have a strange twinge above my waist I'm sure it's a clot or some sort of plug in one of my veins or arteries. So this is a good thing, to see the doctor. At least he'll reassure me, if he doesn't think I should be hysterical. And now I sit, legally tranquilized, waiting for the end of the day so I can go home to mess with my dogs and my plants, haul out my mower just in case I decide to try to get it started (although that would require gasolline). Ken told me his secret to getting them started: pour gasoline directly on the spark plug if it doesn't start after severl primings and pulls. OK, sure, first you have to unscrew the spark plug and we all know that can't be simple for me to do. Anyway, I'll try not to think of the inadequacies of my circulatory system tonight. I just remember when I was in first grade and they decided there was something terribly wrong with my heart and did a battery of tests and Liza was really, really worried, which she never was about her children. Turned out all tlhey could figure was a heart murmer. Then Henry and Molly developed them too, later on.

And the junky fiction I've been discarding this afternoon is beyond belief. The Mutiny on the Bounty series, plus everything else Nordoff ever wrote. And moving right along to Andre Norton. At least I finally finished the M's--that was a milestone (yes, that's right, M is for Milestone). And tomorrow is Friday. I have a project to work on, which is a good thing, and it's something I can stand to do (coming up with a PLAN, yes a PLAN for member libraries to follow in the process of automating). Then I have to set up an agenda for next week's automated ILL meeting. And on Tuesday I'm off to Albany for the hearing about whether we negotiated in bad faith (if you type that really fast it comes out bath) when we refused to negoitate about whether we should go for 2 weeks without pay this year because management screwed it all up and didn't plan for a 27-pay-period year. Oh swell, a face-off with CEF's attorney. Not alone, though--our union rep, union attorney and 3 of us are going. It's in Albany so will take the entire day, from 7:00 to at least 4 I suppose.

Just let me get to the weekend, the blessed weekend.

I'm Morpheus, which I like because it means I come up with a good plan but don't have to be the leader. I quit needing to be the leader a long time ago. It feels so good NOT wanting to be the leader, watching other people want to lead. It's not that I want to follow, actually I'd rather be leading only myself, knowing I have a way that's right for me, and may be best for other people as well. I'm not a follower as much as one who has a good path for herself and welcomes anyone else who thinks it might be a good path for them as well. Right now my boss thinks I have good paths and she wants to follow mine. Next month she may think my paths lead to hell. You can imagine what a treat it is to work with someone like that.

Weather in a beautiful holding pattern. Cool this morning. I like these days when you have the heat on in your car in the morning because your hands tingle from the cold, but it's so warm during the day that you don't need to wear socks (why is it all about the extremities?). Tess attacked the sole remaining roll of toilet paper this morning. Shame on me for not getting out of bed before she did. It's intact, just in shreds. My check will be available to spend at midnight tonight so I can go shopping tomorrow on my way home from work. Hooray! More toilet paper!

Another banner day, sunny and clear. Slightly cooler than it's been--a front went through yesterday with a line of showers. It was wicked humid during the day, then the rains came and washed the air. Lucky thing it rained, my little planties needed some water wicked bad.

I spent the morning toting boxes of books to the dumpster that Plattsburgh Public Library had for the day. That was fine, but the sides of the dumpster were about 6 1/2' high, so I had to toss the boxes up over my head. I'm not THAT strong, and didn't need to be reminded of it. Since there's no one else interested in doing the work, one of the clerks and I did it. I just love this place, everyone is eager to help out, as long as it's work they feel like doing. If it's work they don't feel like doing suddenly it becomes not their job and therefore not their job. Is it really MY job, as a 25-year veteran with a master's degree to throw boxes of books into a dumpster? But then, I do like variety in my job--I believe us oranges are known for that. That's orange, not anjers.

Today is mellower. I slept later. OK, didn't sleep, but was really entertained by the 2 brown girls for at least 20 minutes while they tried to get me out of bed. They weren't sure I was awake, but they suspected it. Chances put her nose under my head (I'm face down on the pillow) and gave it a mighty shove. My head bobs up a bit. She does that at least 6 times, then tries the same move with a paw. Tess tries an attack from the other side, from the floor. All I can see of Tess through the comforter is a huge brown nose, exaggerated and distorted because I don't have my glasses on and everything else of her is blurry. She nudges her way into my face over and over, getting more and more frustrated. If they could talk to each other they'd be like Molly and I were when we were children, carrying on a variety of conversations that sisters do. Finally I speak, only a couple of words, which drives them wild with glee and they both jump and bounce on the bed. When I roll over they're both standing still, looking down at me, wagging their tails with the cutest expressions on their faces. I think everyone should have two sweet female chocolate Labs. When we make it to the living room, Jackson is still sleeping in the bright sunlight on the couch, picks his head up slowly, "Wha? time to get up?" I could really stay home day after day and play with these dogs. But then my life would really be strange, wouldn't it.

So I spent the morning weeding old rotten fiction books and the afternoon deleting records from the data base. yawn. At least this week I've put together a mammoth book order, trying desperatelyl to catch us up with what's going on in the world of publishing. I'm about 6 weeks behind, not having placed an order since before I went to Wisconsin. Shame on me, not a good thing for our (not so) patient patrons. And now I incur the wrath of the clerk who actually places the orders, because this will be a $9000 order, so big it will cause her to actually have to work. Can't win for trying around here--she hates it when I don't order because that's her favorite part of her job.

Tonight I cook for Ken. He wants to come to my house and I haven't cleared off the dinner table yet so I have to hustle when I get home. No, REALLY hustle. There's no space bigger than about a 2" square on the table right now. I did finally move the mittens and knit hat and put them away for the summer, but the q-tips that escaped from the box that Tess chewed up are all over the table and there are 3 bins of dog food and so many other things on the table I couldn't begin to list them. Where will I put them? Some of them have as their permanent home...THE DINNER TABLE. I swept the floor this morning in prep. of his visit. I always count on his vision being poor, and during the winter months I can count on its being dark, but now it's light until 8:30 so the floor needs to be relatively clean. The house is messy but that doesn't seem to bother him. What will I cook? Chicken thighs I took out of the freezer from quite a while ago. I love checking epicurious.com for recipes. They have 128 recipes for chicken thighs so I settled on oven-fried chicken. That should please him. And rice pilaf, I know he likes that, and a green vegetable, which only I feed him.

And tomorrow is Thursday, after which comes Friday, and then we're into another weekend. So soon? Yes, at last. This weekend I told Ken I'd buy him his tomato plants. This means I have to go back to Lamoy's and will buy myself some more annuals. Getting paid on Friday will enable me to spend at least $20 of disposable income on plants. At $1.99 a 6-pack--you do the math. For every 10 6-packs you get 1 free. Pansies are only $1.29/6-pack. But I've already bought about 10 of them, maybe that's enough. Pansies have been a favorite since I was a small child.

I have to mow my lawn. I didn't take the mower in for servicing, no cash (tired of this theme?). It shouldn't really need work. Ken asked if I had it serviced. "Not this year." But you'll change the oil? "Well, yes, I guess so. What weight should I use?" Straght 30 I should guess, but your owner's manual will tell you. Oh yeah, where the hell is the owner's manual? So then he tells me how to change the oil. But at least he reminded me that first and foremost I have to CHECK the oil before I even start it up, to make sure there's oil in it. This is a good thing, a very good thing. All I was thinking about was having to buy yet another gas container because the dog took off with the one I got last year and dragged it into the woods somewhere. As if I didn't have enough responsibilities maintaining the house, I have to tune up my mower as well.

And when I was doing the wash the other day the hose on the back of the machine came loose from the pipe that goes out to the drywell and instead of having water go into the machine, water was being pumped onto the floor. Like at least 8 gallons, while I pulled the machine away from the wall and assessed the situation and figured out how to solve it. At least I could solve it--replace the pipe that had fallen loose, stick the hose back in the pipe, and it was as if it had never happened, except for the 1/2 inch of water all over the floor. That's such a lot of water, really it is. So I put towels down all over the floor, then I have to wash the towels and it just seems to be such a cycle--do the wash, mop the wash water, wash the towels used to mop the washwater. The joys of homeowning. And now the floor is clean, very clean. And even the plywood under the vinyl tile is still wet, and that happened days ago. Dry, damn it, dry! (when we had an ancient dachshund nicknamed in his elder years Darbert, my father would look at him and say, "Die, Darbert, Die!").

And now it's nearly time to go home. Try to find the 2 rolls of toilet paper that Tess took off the window sill this morning. Where did she put them? I'm now down to the last roll. Not a good thing for someone who lives alone and is at the mercy of a paper-obsessed puppy.

So it's a beautiful, really beautiful, nearly perfect day. Sunny, clear, cool breeze so you don't get too hot. I took the morning off to sit on the deck and try to finish reading East of Eden--I think the book group meets this week to discuss it and I needed to get closer to the end. Now I'm sunburned and at work, cataloging audio books. They're easier to do than videos, there are no directors or stars, just narrators that need to be included. The morning was fine, the dogs liked it and stuck around, lying in the sun, getting up to wobble around and pant before collapsing again nearby. Sure, I felt good about things until I called the granite company to make a polite inquiry about my brother's headstone. I'll go there to look it all over and find out details next week. The hours they're available coincide nearly exactly with the hours I work but I'm off next Friday so perhaps I'll do it then. I waited until it was almost time to leave for work this morning. Then I cried. How sad is this? My brother's headstone? Is this something I want to be doing? Well, no, but who does, and it has to be done and it won't be hard for me to do it, I just have to go there and talk to them and go to the cemetery to figure out where it goes and tell them what to put on it and what type of print to use (Cam says to use the same print as all the other stones--need to converse with others about this). It's just so sad that my brother is dead, it's never far from my thoughts, just sometimes closer to the surface than others, and the thought of a headstone with his name on it is really sad, so sad.

But the weekend was good. I was sad Saturday morning, thinking of the impending activity: buying plants to garden with. That of course makes us all think of Henry. I set it up last week with Lin that we would go plant shopping together on Saturday, so off we went. To our favorite spots. I bought lots, really lots of annuals. No perennials yet this year. I may skip them pretty much, I have a lot already and am of limited funds. Had fun with Lin, cheered me up quite a bit. Nothing like a lot of plants, eager to go in the ground, to cheer you up, really. Now they all look hopeful and optimistic about their futures as they sit in their 6-packs on my deck, waiting for me to take action. I planted the lilies yesterday, figured out where I wanted them and had a nice time putting them in the ground, thinking nice things about Henry. Guess maybe that was part of the purpose of the whole exercise, wasn't it. We had our usual Sunday dinner but it was grilled pork chops, a nice treat. Everyone was festive and we had extra people at the table for a nice change of pace. It's almost summer at Silver Lake and the population is growing. The leaves get bigger and so does the human population--I'm sure there's a ratio there.

Talked to Ralph about Molly's visit to her neighborhood cello maker. He loved hearing about it. Talked about luthers (instrument makers) and how most people don't like talking to them because they're considered to be such snobs. Not MY sister, I said proudly, she really liked talking to him, they had a great conversation about the philosophy of the instruments and how the music is made by them. Boy did he shine when he heard that. I love having something in common with my sister like that. We have so little in common with our day-to-day lives, it's really great when we come up with something to share like that. And who would think it would be instrument making? Of course, I don't really have it in common, it's really peripheral, but it's fun to connect with her that way. So far away, Italy is.

Now it's nearing the end of the day. When you come to work at 1 the afternoon just flies by. Should always work 1-5, that would be a grand arrangement, wouldn't it. I meant to get to Sonci over the weekend but didn't make it. Yesterday I read in the sun a but after dinner but of course fell asleep pretty quickly. Maybe tonight I can get down there with the dogs and start putting the boat house together. If it's warm enough at night I'll sleep there. The loons are back, have been for a while, and my hummingbirds were really happy to have my feeder up so they can buzz me on the deck and fight with each other. I've already had one in the house I had to struggle with to help out the upstairs window. That motivated me to put the screen door on, but of course you have to actually close the screen door for it to be effective, and the dogs would rather have the door left open so they can go in and out and in and out. and in and out. They're very happy these days. And almost well-behaved.

So it's another summer-like day, truly wonderful and warm. The leaves in the Champlain Valley are huge and bright green. Not so big at home, but green nevertheless. My daylilies came with UPS today, so this weekend I'll have to decide where to put them. These are the ones I bought with Fred's HGR2 memorial money so they're special. Small and single plants, 5 varieties in all, but special nevertheless. Some are fragrant, some are short. Should be fun to figure out where to put them. Putting them in, not so much fun if the black flies are still out in force.

What else is up for the weekend? Buying plants with Lin, of course! It's May, what else would be going on! We've set up tomorrow as a trip to our favorite spot, and I'll get some annuals to start with my containers. Nothing special, just a start to make me feel as if life is going on and spring is truly underway. Other than that all I really need to do is try to get the dog hair and pee smell out of my rug. And find an answer to the question: Why does my dog pee on my bed? She did it last night, while I was watching tv in the living room. What's up with that? At least she peed on the other side of the bed, where Tess often sleeps. OK, so I guess we can figure out the motivation on that one. "You suck on my ear all night so I'll pee on your bedding." But honestly, this has got to stop. I like to leave the bedroom door open to create a nice cross-breeze in the house, but perhaps I can't even do that when I'm home. The hell with them all.

Nice evening with Ken last night, I know he appreciated the fact that I actually laughed with him for the first time in a month. He felt comfortable enough to take a long nap after dinner in front of CNN, our old familiar pattern. Chances woke him up after half an hour, though, apparently figuring the evening should come to a close so he should wake up to say good night to us. Since the Godiva chocolates were gone and we were eating the Whitmans I guess it was ok to leave. We did have a nice time, though. This year he's designing my new deck for me. Each time I see him he asks another question about it. Latest idea is that part of it has a roof over it so I can store wood under it in the winter. I suggested it be screened in but he pretended he didn't hear me. Yes, I can tell when he's pretending he doesn't hear me. Anyway, I need to figure out how to scare up the money to order the wood and have it delivered soon so we can get going on this deck, I really need a new one. This would be an extremely good thing to get done.

Now it's quittin' time and I can go home. Stop to pick up prints from the march in DC on my way home. I had enlargements made of the great picture of Henry on the sleeping porch from last year, one for my desk and one to put on the Wall of Fallen Heroes at camp. It's such a great shot, such a typical pose and expression.

So it's supposed to be 80 again today. Seems as if every year we have an abnormally warm period early in the season, which we all forget about but refer to longingly later on.

I just returned from a 2 hour demonstration at Planned Parenthood (which is half a block from where I work)--actually it only amounted to an hour of standing on the sidewalk holding a signe, sandwiched between two anti's with signs declaring "Abortions kill children." Yeah, well, illegal abortions kill women. Anyway, it was a special demonstration today because they had their Chain of Life stretching around the block (they didn't quite have enough people to go around the block). We were there ostensibly to escort patients into the clinic, but we had more than enough people for escorts so the rest of us stood there holding signs. Time passes VERY slowly if you're not chanting or marching. While I was there I saw: my friend Ann (whose brother died homeless, who used to be president of the PP board, when they decided to perform abortions 10 years ago), a woman who also boards her dogs at Joan's (and has Brittanys and does field trials with them), my librarian friend Patty (who ended a 14-year long relationship 11 weeks ago, not her idea, and had to re-finance a home and camp because of it), my reading group friend who works there (whose mother, it turns out, worked in the Reference Dept. at the Providence Public Library with me), another good liberal friend, and of course my boss, with whom I went over there and whose idea it was to do it in the first place. It was a good thing to do and I feel appropriately self-righteous. They wanted those of us who were in DC to talk about our experience there so I talked about it and was able to give public thanks for being sponsored, then was able to thank personally someone who gave the $110 so that someone could go. That part was nice. I like getting involved in this cause and I think it's incredibly important. What will happen if Roe v. Wade is reversed? I can't even contemplate this. What's going on in this country? 77% of the anti's are male--how can people fall for this crap?

Flotsam on the bed this morning: 1 roll of toilet paper, partly shredded; 2 shoes, including a Ryka sneaker not yet chewed on--NONONO; a package of lettuce, 2 heads included--only the outer leaves were nibbled on. My but that Tess can accomplish a lot in a short period of time--it only took her about 5 minutes to do all that. Apparently Chances is feeling that the cage should be hers again, each morning she gets in it and sits down. Today Tess finally noticed and got mildly upset, walking into the cage and sitting there with her. Boy did the two of them look ridiculous. I told Chances I could shut her in there with Tess but that would really make no sense at all. Well, I suppose it would--it would solve the peeing on the beds problem, but wouldn't they be a bit crowded? They just looked so stoopid.

I got a nice email from Buzz Moore, in response to something I asked him about (buying a boat and motor), and he said he knew how close Henry and I were. Somehow it's just so comforting to hear other people validate that. Yes, we were very close. Yes, I loved my brother very much, and he appreciated me. We enjoyed each other's company and shared a special bond. No, I'm not canonizing him. He was just a very nice, very special person.

Wow! This new Blogger is really something! I haven't blogged since Friday so it's all new to me. Today is a beautiful spring day and I feel really good. I think going to RI was a good thing, very therapeutic. It was amazingly sad to be there without Henry, to realize that he'll never be there again and I'll never see him there again. So many things about it are reminders of him, but we had a great time together, Liza, Mark and I, and it was spring there and things were blooming. There were reminders of him everywhere, and of course there's that oak tree by the gazebo that he never got to cut down.

And now I'm home and it's really spring here, so much so that the black flies are out. I missed the gardening window before the flies are out but that's ok, you have to do what you feel like doing when you feel like doing. I didn't have the spirit for it, maybe only have the modified spirit now. Brought back a 50-lb. hosta from Liza's, which I have to divide and plant. That will be a challenge. It was fun to buy plants in RI, thinking of my containers and flowers and the future. Ken came by last night to make sure I got home ok and to see me in person. He said I was so down when I left he wondered how my trip was. I could tell he was relieved to see that I felt better last night. I still have moments of shock at the fact that my brother is dead--how can that be?, but I accept it, I can handle it, I don't cry as much right now and I'm living a life without a brother. He was a good brother, though, and I got to tell him that before he died. We had a conversation at Christmas about what kind of brother he was when we were kids, and I told him I always felt he was a good older brother, and I always felt he took care of me, so now I can feel good about his knowing what my feelings were. Funny how those things can work out.

On my drive down I had a bunch of tapes to listen to, all unlabeled. It turned out that they were mixed tapes of Henry's from a trip he had made from Illinois a few summers ago. This made me both sad and happy. First I cried when I heard some of the songs, then I smiled. There's a typical Henry mix of country, old rock, Jimmy Buffet, odds & ends of stuff. I feel really close to him when I listen to the music, and now I feel as if I have something of his, which I didn't feel before. Something very special. I have more tapes in my house, I just have to dig them out and separate them from mine. One year, not long after Jamie left, Henry was at Liza's with me before I left for a trip to see Nip and then to go to Rush's to campaign for him. There was a song he really liked that he wanted me to like too ("That ain't my truck") so he played it for me whenever we went anywhere in the car together. When I left for my trip, which was a big deal for me, my first trip alone in a long time, across Penn. and to NJ, he had put the tape with the song on it on the passenger seat of my car. What a Henry thing to do. I listened to that tape and that song for hours and hours of driving, sometimes crying, sometimes smiling, always thinking of my brother.

And today the sun is shining and it's a beautiful spring day. I'd love to be home digging in the dirt, being heckled by black flies. Soon I'll have to mow my lawn. Haven't had my mower serviced this year (serviced...sounds as if I'm breeding it, doesn't it?). I need to get all my pots out and look them over, then go plant shopping with Lin and line up all my plants and look them all over. I love doing that. I can start with my pansies tonight, though, but I don't have enough purple ones, never found the missing 6-pack that Tess absconded with.

I made my plane reservations for my June trip to Wisconsin. This is really exciting. I'll arrive in Wisc. on the 16th at 10:48. Since I bid on a ticket with Priceline I had to take whatever flight they wanted to give me, and I have to be in Burlington for a 6:30 a.m. flight. God only knows when I have to leave home, but it's like 4 a.m. I think. Geez. It'll be worth it and I can sleep all the way to Chicago anyway. This trip will be great, we'll have a good time, all girls. I can't wait to see Margaret and Grace again. And to ride in the Pilot! What an appropriate name for Kristen's vehicle. Me, I drive a Civic, as in duty, which I use to get to and from work and other assignations. Cheap transportation, good mileage, not exciting or fun to drive, not particularly attractive. Just reliable. Sort of like me, I think.

Only working until noon today, festive feeling for me. Then it's home, running a few errands along the way, clean a bit, pack, put collars on dogs, pack dog food & bowls, bring in plants except for pansies (they're on their own--it's supposed to get down into teens tonight), and I'm off to RI. I'm taking a tape of Travels with Charley, don't know if I'll feel like listening to it or not. Lately I can't listen to music, it's just all too sad for me. I usually enjoy listening to the radio on this trip, there's a radio station in Albany I like, but I'm not risking it.

Last night I sat in the dark for an hour, watching the clouds speed past the huge white moon through the trees, crying and crying. Tess' reaction to this was to pick up her head periodically, look at me, then go back to a dozey sleep. I have two reactions lately to Henry's death. One is a visceral feeling that hits me now and then--the pain is too great to confront all at once, so it comes in waves. I hurts and hurts and I mind so much that he's gone. I picture him so clearly but it's so painful to do that that it's like a flash, then I let it go. I know I have to confront it, so I bring it back, then the tears come. Sometimes I let them come, if I'm in a place where I can do that. Other times I push it all aside, let me deal with it later. Just be sure to deal with it, that's all. The other reaction I have is just this funny thing where I ask Henry "Are you really dead?" Well I know he's dead, I SAW him and I touched him, and there he was, stone cold. But Henry was so Henry, you could always ask him anything. So here's this great puzzle, Hen, are you really dead for good?

I know I'm supposed to be talking to people about this but I just don't feel like it. I should call my friend Ann, who's about 70 I think and is a wonderful friend, both talker and listener. Her brother died a long time ago, homeless at the time, and I know she would be a wonderful help and wouldn't mind helping me. I just don't have the energy to talk to anyone, and I've become such a solitary person that I've learned to solve my problems alone. I don't like to ask for help, it's a sign of weakness and I'm supposed to be living alone and self-sufficient. You only ask for help when you need a pickup truck, or your car is stuck in the snow. Other problems you can solve yourself. I think maybe paying someone to help me with this is the approach I'll have to take. It's easier, simpler, no strings attached, no risks involved, no one will hurt me if I don't do it the right way.

So I paid my bills online, then I bought a pair of shoes from zappos.com. $28 for a $68 pair of Sebagos. I think I'm trying to own every kind of shoe made before I die. They're having a big sale, with free shipping and you just can't pass up free shipping. 16 pages of size 7 shoes online, 99 pairs per page, and I checked them all out. Had to settle for just one, I'm really broke. Since I'm down two pairs of shoes, thank you Tess, it only seemed fair to replace one pair.

The daffodils, I know I keep saying this, are magnificent. What's with the yellow? Each year they get brighter and yellower. Maybe the weather has brought out the early bloomers and the mid bloomers at the same time because I sure have a lot in bloom right now.

So I did some data base deletes now I think I'll do some deletes in the other data base just to vary my routine. One clerk is out, the other in a meeting so no one cares what I do today. Director supposed to come in soon, I guess. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and wise. OK, skip the pretty, but sometimes I do feel witty and wise.

So I spent half an hour writing something and it wouldn't post. How many times should I mess with this thing? Here's what it said:
I had a productive morning. Worked on ILL requests, which used to make me feel good, matching requests with books, getting people what they want. Today I found it tedious and I didn't really care if I found anything or not. It passed the time.
Yesterday I called in sick, had a hard pain in the pit of my stomach. Because it was the 5th, a month after Henry died? I doubt it. I had to go to Burlington for my annual pap/physical. The polyp on my cervix is still there, still probably not cancer. I am now a normal post-menopausal woman. For the first time in my life I am gynecologically normal. I don't know how this feels. I am to take 1500 mg of calcium, 300 mg more than I already do, and more vitamin E than I do. I am having a bone density test done and will call to schedule a mammogram. My NP there thinks I should really, really have a cardio-vascular workup done.
The ferry rides were uneventful but the chocolates enjoyed them very much. Tess has learned quickly about drive-up windows and dog biscuits. They got treats on BOTH sides of the lake.
I stopped at Gardeners' Supply to get something for Liza for mothers day. All I could find was deer repellent, but I found things for myself (new mud gloves, diaschia seeds, b.t. rings to put in my rain barrels to kill mosquito larvae). I usually get seeds for Henry there, and this year he asked specifically for par-cel. This made me very sad when I got there.
I had lunch with my friend Barb today. She has been my mainstay for 15 years. We talked about funerals, death, dead bodies, final arrangements--Dr. Ruben would be so pleased! I need to talk more but I just don't feel like it. Tonight I will call Kristen to wish her a good trip and just to TALK.
Last night dinner with Ken wasn't very cheery. My fault, I wasn't terribly sociable. I got special steak and some potato salad, which he really liked, but I wasn't in a very good mood. He tried to cheer me up but he's not very good at it, mostly he just gets depressed too.
The moon the other night was this huge deep golden ball hanging on the horizon. Henry would have been pleased to see it. We know he would have.
I looked at 16 pages of shoes, 99 pairs to a page at zappos.com this morning and picked out the perfect pair on page 7. I'll order them tomorrow when my paycheck is deposited. They're $70 shoes on sale for $28, FREE SHIPPING. You can't pass up free shipping. Tess has started chewing shoes. I cannot allow this to continue. I forgive the 2 diamond earrings she made disappear but shoes...this cannot be forgiven.
I can't focus on anything. I like to fall asleep on the couch in front of the tv but I really like going to bed in my bedroom, in my bed with my dogs. I feel cheated if I stumble into bed at 2 and will only get to be in bed for 4 hours.
The sun is shining. My daffodils are truly spectacular this year and sometimes I can actually enjoy them.

Well I just spent half an hour writing something and then I deleted it. If that's not demoralizing enough--spill your guts out then wipe it out, just to remind yourself that it all doesn't really matter anyway! My main theme today seems to be wallowing in sadness and sorrow. I left work yesterday for my psychiatric appointment, long-awaited because I was really interested in what he had to say about how and what I was doing. What he said was that I need to talk to someone. He made an appointment to talk to him in a month, but he thinks I'm not talking to other people enough. No, don't call your brother's wife that often, she needs her own time, a daily call to her is just not fair to her at all. Well I don't think I need to call someone that often, I talk to myself. Not good enough, says he. I'm not going to call someone up and say "Talk to me," just won't do that. I cry a lot, that helps, play with my dogs, that helps. I was having a dialogue with my sister but she just shit all over me and as usual, it turns out she has her own agenda anyway. I have a good friend I can call, and will soon call--she was a great source of support when Jamie left, but this is different. For one thing, she believes in life after death. So we'll see what I come up with. Truth is, there just arent' many people I want to talk to about this. Kristen, mostly, for the connection we have and the spontaneity we have when we say and think the same thing at the same time (I KNOW IT! I was just thinking that!). Other than that there just aren't many people who've been terribly helpful to me in this. My brother was usually pretty helpful at making me feel ok about myself. OK, so where is he now?

Snow this morning made it feel and look cold. Dogs were out all night, which meant Chances and I had the whole bed to ourselves but we got a crummy nights' sleep. I had bad dreams and woke feeling very, very bad. Physically and emotionally. Got to work late, met with book peddler and am now trying to figure out what is the appropriate time to go home. If I leave at 2, before the director is due in at 3, that means I will have worked 4 hours, a good half day. I've been cataloging crap, slowly and inefficiently so I'll switch to weeding fiction. That I do well.

My psychiatrist says of course I can't concentnrate on anything and don't feel motivated to do anything--that's fine, for now. If I still feel that way in 2 months then we need to take a closer look at it because that could signal depression. OK, I'll let you know. Yesterday I bought myself 3 six-packs of the palest yellow pansies imaginable, and 4 flats of nice purple ones with darker centers. Now there are only 3 six-packs of the purple ones, Tess. I can't fine the other six-pack anywhere. What the hell is that all about? Doesn't that seem a bit cruel--I'm trying to make myself feel better, here, bring a piece of normalcy to my life, my pansies that I have every single year on my deck.

At least I've picked my head up from my desk and have stopped crying softly. Fortunately there's only my clerk on the other side of the partition. I'm sure she knows what's going on but she's pretty nice to me. Other people aren't in today. I need more privacy at work, that's for sure. I need privacy in life.

I'm off to RI on Friday. Liza called to say how excited she is that I'm coming to see her. Glad someone is--it's not a trip I'm thrilled to be making, but it will be nice. We'll go plant shopping on Sunday and that's always fun. I know my role is to cheer both of them up and I can do that in spells. I have to take all three dogs because I can't afford to board Jackson. Yuck. Who will come visit me to cheer me up? Oh Grace, oh Margaret--where are you? You cheer everyone up, you're just too cute.

Into the stacks, I'm still in the M's.

Wow the morning went by fast. That's what two meetings back to back will do. Talk talk talk. Each consultant discusses each interaction we've had with a member library. That takes a long time. Then we talk about which libraries are planning to automate and what we think about the process and progress of that. Then we talk about some other things. The other meeting is just consultants, and we talk about things we don't want the director to know we're talking about. Usually more interesting than this morning's, but usually I'm more interesting than I was this morning.

So what kind of weekend did I have? Sad, interspersed with some action items. I did a little cleaning, went to the dump on Saturday, very proud of that. Threw out some outdoor stuff, a big achievement which makes a huge difference in the appearance of the front of the house. I spent a couple of hours reading in my chair on my deck in the sun, and no one can say there's a better activity than that. Ken came lumbering up the driveway while I was doing that, greeted by 3 bounding, happy dogs. He stayed for a quick visit. He'd been to town to the memorial service they have on the day they put all the winter dead in the ground at the Catholic cemetery. Not such a big crowd of bodies this year. I keep wandering around the yard and gardens, poking around, wishing I were more motivated to do things. I meant to sleep in the boat house Saturday night but couldn't bring myself to get down there and set it up. I will, I will.

Sunday was not as nice weather-wise, cloudy but still warm. I got up early, laundered, made brownies for Sunday dinner's dessert (brownies with ice cream and almond-flavored whipped cream), wandered around the yard. I finally made myself be productive and spent an hour pulling bramble berries from along the stone wall. This was a huge accomplishment, considering my frame of mind. These damn things come up every year, but I have to admit with great pride that there are far fewer than there were last year. Last year I spent an entire day pulling them up and spraying the clumps I couldn't get up with RoundUp, which kills every living thing. This year I sprayed a little bit with RoundUp, which apparently tastes really good to dogs, because Jack wandered around licking the stumps. What a jerk. Tess actually took herself for a swim somewhere, coming home nice and wet. Chances, the Best Dog in the World, stayed by me the whole time. I think a dog with minor cataracts may be the best pet of all.

Sunday dinner was nice. Ken's beans were delicious, a perfect batch. He loves making them and thrives on the attention he gets for it (who wouldn't). After dinner he & I went to Union Falls to look at some boats and motors that were for sale--I'd been eyeballing them for a week or so. Turns out they were 8 hp motors and there was only 1 left for sale. I didn't like the boats they had out front so the guy took me back to show me another one. Whole getup is $700, motor is 1990 Mercury. I put down a $50 deposit and will ask Rob if there's money in the Sonci treasury for the rest. Let's hope he says yes, otherwise I'll have to appeal to the trustees. The motor is worth $800, "so it's like getting the boat for free," says the guy. Since they know Ken I figure it's a pretty good deal. He's sold 10 so far in less than 2 weeks, another good sign. It's a nice, pretty heavy and sturdy boat. A rental motor, ran well last year and runs well this year too, so far. How long will it take the Rogers to fix it so it won't run anymore?

Home to digest dinner and feel a bit sad. Am having a hard time these days, not sure why I'm sinking instead of moving forward. What's the progression here? Shouldn't I be making forward motions? I don't seem to be. I got home after 3 and don't remember doing much of anything from then until I went to bed last night. Oh yes, I brushed the dogs. Jack hated it, fussed, barked, opened his mouth at me ("Go ahead and bite me, I'll have you killed. That's what I did with the last dog."). I'm so sick of fine yellow hair in my carpet. Tess runs to the smallest space under the table in the tiniest corner imaginable. I crawl under there just to show her I can, then Chances follows me because she thinks it must be really interesting, and Jack stands behind her and barks. And they say living alone is boring!

This afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, at last. Let's see what he makes of all this. I almost feel bad telling him my brother died, he'll think it's so sad and will feel so bad for me. It'll be good to hear how he thinks I'm doing. Unfortunately it's a short appointment, only 20 minutes, but he'll let me know if I need more. I can't tell how I'm doing. Is this the right way to feel for the right amount of time? Am I a mess or just a devoted sister? I don't cry all the time but I cry suddenly. I'm not at the point where things remind me of Henry--EVERYTHING makes me think of Henry, he's just always in my mind and my heart. It hurts, physically hurts to think of him. And then there's fear (which I know from my "research" is a natural reaction) that I might die too. I can't die, that wouldn't be fair to my mother. But mostly I'm just so sorry that my brother died. Every once in a while a voice in my head just says "Henry's dead," and I can't believe it's really true. How can this be? Of all the people I know he was the least likely to die, he was the one who would always be there--for me, for everyone, we could count on him. I hate to sound selfish, but I needed him, I depended on him. I still do, desperately. I'm working on this, what will I do without him. I don't know the answer. Live my life, obviously, I have no choice.

Well for now I guess I'll just catalog some boring videos, that should cheer me up and distract me. Wish there were something fascinating I could research, but unfortunately no one's looking for any interesting information right now. Maybe I'll check on the dogs in the kennel.

OK, so I'm a librarian, basically a reference librarian, and when something happens I always seek the comfort of the printed word. So first I head to the Web (yes, I consider that the printed word--it appears on your screen in print, doesn't it? This is one of the fundamental problems information providers have with the Internet, there's no way to distinguish good information from bad, it all looks legitimate). So there's a cancersurvivors.org site that lists the stages of grief. Here are Kubler-Ross' original 5:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

OK, fine, we're all familiar with those. Now we have someone else who's narrowed it down to a precious few:
Numbness--this is supposed to last for several weeks or months
Disorganization--lasts for many months, thank goodness
Reorganization--lasts for several weeks or months. The "developmental task" associated with this phase is to have a complete emotional relationship with the deceased.

So I check this person's book--she's Roberta Temes and the book is Living with an Empty Chair: a guide through grief. It's not a substantial book and really not that good but has some kernals. Like yearning, when we don't accept the loss as permanent. Well, that's just so hard to do because the pain is so great. OK, I've been working on that one and I think I'm in pretty good shape about it. Then we have transitional objects--objects belonging to the deceased that you wear, sleep with, hold, or just look at because they've taken on a special significance. I seem to have skipped this one because I don't have anything of Henry's other than his chain saw, which is in my mud room, leaking oil on the floor and I have only thought about it, not taken it out to look at it. I have four pictures of him that I already had up in my living room that I look at constantly. And there's anger, ambivalence and guilt. Then we come to behaving by habit--this shows up in the middle phase of mourning. Well I'd have to say this is happening to me in the early stages of mourning because how else would I be dragging myself to work every day and sitting at my desk cataloging things and doing interlibrary loan? Then, apparently we review our relationship just before we act crazy. Since I've acted crazy for too much of my life already and have chemical control of that I'm hoping to skip that one. Reviewing my relationship? I've been thinking constantly of how much Henry meant to me and the roles he served for me in my adult life: mentor, guide, humorist--some Rogers cousing called him a diplomat, which you have to laugh at if you remember what he was like when he had contempt for someone or some situation and felt free to express it.

OK, so that's the empty chair. Then we have a collection of works in a book called "Living with grief after sudden loss." Sounds promising, right? Well, some of it's good and some not great. As for the stages, we have "Complicated mourning."
We had a choice between complicated and simple? I pick simple. But for those of you with complicated minds:
1. Recognize the loss (duh) Understand the death
2. React to the separation, experience the pain (again, duh)
3. Recollect and reexperience the deceased and the relationship
4. Relinquish the old attachments of the deceased and the old assumptive world (no, this is so not like me)
5. Readjust to move adaptively into the new world without forgetting the old--develop a new relationship with the deceased, form a new identity. (OK, this theme is a recurring theme so maybe there's something to it)
6. Reinvest. (If you have anything left to reinvest)

And there you have in in however many steps you want--how to grieve. I like synthesizing information and I believe in learning from other people's observations. I've been through enough years of enough therapy to recognize the validity of theories. Mostly what I feel now is what...vagueness, disorganization, and what's really missing from these lists, simple sadness, such great sadness. I mourn the loss of the future with Henry, and the loss of Henry's future. I'm sure that fits in here somewhere and I'm just not recognizing it.

But today the sun is shining and it's 80 degrees. So far I've had a union meeting, at which we discussed management's formal charge against us of negotiating in bad faith--so now I have to go to Albany on 5/25 to appear before PERB and defend ourselves. Not alone, we'll have our union rep and attorney there. I just heard from two other members who think they should go too, since they were on the negotiating team so they feel they're being attacked blah blah blah. What these people don't realize is that I really don't care, don't feel vested in any of this (here's where the numbness comes in). I'll have to muster up some anger about it, though. Then I had a meeting with the "cataloger" (I use the term loosely) from Plattsburgh Public who feels she should have more capabilities with our new automated system than she does. We deliberately gave her fewer capabilities so she couldn't muck up the data base anymore. She tried to show that we're not doing a good job by waving a spreadsheet in my face, with a bunch of numbers highlighted in blue. It meant nothing, though, and there was nothing to back it up. As soon as she realized that she said "Did you just get your hair cut? It looks cute." Since I didn't wash it this morning and am having a bad hair day and know it does NOT look cute, is in fact flat on one side, I know she was mocking me. I had my hair cut a month ago.

So I did go on my bog walk yesterday with the dogs and it was really nice. They make me laugh and laugh. They are wonderful for that. Those brown girls are just the cutest and sweetest things in the world. I'm lucky to have them. Tess likes to run ahead, run back and around me in a loop, then go ahead to Chances again and again. Off the boardwalk, on the boardwalk, into the moss, under the trees, over the trees. The bog isn't particularly pretty right now, it's rather brown, but it's very quiet and lovely in its own way. And it belongs to me and my dogs.

Have to stop to get hot dogs and buns on the way home tonight--Ken is making his specialty, baked beans for Sunday dinner and I'm making dogs cooked in beer to go with them. Then it's home again home again. My daffodils are just bustin' out all over. When I got out of the car last night they were so much in bloom I could smell them in the air. Very nice. See? I do care what's going on around me.

According to AOL, it's ten degrees warmer in Two Creeks and AuSable Forks than it is in Wakefield and Naples. Go figure. I hear it's beautiful out, and it looks nice, but I'm in my air-cooled cubicle, looking and feeling very bleary-eyed. Have spent the entire day staring at computer screens. Cataloging idiotic videos, deleting holdings information from various databases, and weeding old rotten fiction titles. Ah, the challenges of being a librarian. We did break to celebrate someone's birthday and had angel food cake with strawberries and Cool Whip. Then I had to meet with a sales rep who always, in the 20 years I've known him, smells like Vicks Vap'o Rub, and has the weakest handshake of anyone I've ever met. And now it's 3:25 and I'm getting ready to drink what must be my 5th Diet Coke of the day before I can head home. I'm hoping to take the dogs on a bog walk today. Let's see if I make good on my promise to myself. Sometimes I just sort of stagger in to the house and plunk myself down.

Last night I was determined to get rid of the tree that had fallen across the bottom of the circle in the driveway so that I could use the driveway as it was intended, as a circular driveway. I mean: what's the point in having the snow melt if you can't drive around the circle? So, after crying the appropriate amount of time because Henry will never again be able to help me solve such problems, or cut up trees like that for me, I got out 250 feet of extension cord and took my electric reciprocating saw down to the bottom of the hill and cut up the tree myself. That was very satisfying. On a roll, I cut town about 6 trees on the north side of the house, along the driveway. These were about 30' high but not very big around. Then I had a long conversation with Henry about the birch tree I'd left along the stone wall when I cut down the rest of the trees there last year. He thought it should come down, I thought it was a nice tree. OK, Hank, you win, I cut it down. I guess it looks better now that it's gone. Anyway, I want to please you so it's gone. I certainly have enough trees. Now I have to decide about the cherry tree in the lawn that's at least 50' high now and only looks pretty when it blooms in May/June. He had decided it too should come down. He might be right about that one, but I think it's too big for my little saw. I also decided that I probably need to get my own chain saw and have my friend Peter the logger show me how to use it safely. This would be really great and would make me feel comfortable living alone in the woods. After all, the only time I cut myself with my saw last night was carrying it back into the house, when I nicked my finger on the blade. It was unplugged and certainly off.

Today I ordered daylilies with the money that Fred gave me. He wanted me to order special lilies in Henry's memory (don't you love people who give you money then tell you how to spend it). So I went to a special lily internet site and ordered one each of: Island Sand Dollar (nearly white, very pretty in the picture), Little Red Warbler (only 18" high and red, who could resist the name), Mini Pearl (Henry loved country music) and Prairie Blossoms (he did live in the Midwest, after all). This place has 400 varieties, and I only looked at some of the new '04 varieties. They have some varieties that cost $75 for a single plant. I didn't order any of those, with my luck Jackson would eat them. These were all pretty cheap, except for Little Red Warbler, which cost $10. Now I have to decide where to put them. At camp, near the boat house? At my house? Is there a spot that's sunny and dry at camp? Do I want to share my bounty with the Rogers family? Will Jordan attack them with John's weed whacker? I know there are a lot of variables in life, but let's try to minimize them, shall we.

Union May breakfast at 7 tomorrow. Julie's idea, up to me to organize and facilitate. Why is it always up to me? Beacuse I'm the president, that's why. Don't these people realize I'm barely functioning? No, I think they can't tell the difference, so apparently I must always seem this way to them. Swell.

Flotsam on the bed this morning included 2 rolls of wrapping paper, one of which I really liked, one of which was the purple paper I don't particularly like and probably bought for Jenica when she was 12, pieces of plastic from the container that held brownies I made for the DC trip, mystery pieces of plastic, Jack standing over me barking, my eyeglasses (NONONONONO), a container of eyedrops (NONONONONONO) and a sock. What a creative little darling is my Tess. She is allowed to take ONE BITE of food from the metal bin while I prepare the other dogs' bowls and she is waiting. She almost always limits herself to this, just one bite. Today, however, she couldn't help it, just couldn't help it, and took TWO bites. "What did I say? ONE bite, that's all, just one!" Head down, "Yes, I know, but there's so much food there and I'm really, really hungry and who knows how much poop I'll be able to find out there in the woods." And Chances patiently points out that she is sitting under the table with just her nose sticking out, taking NO extra bites from the bin, just waiting for her meager portion, less than the other two get because she has a tendency to get FAT.

This is what awaits me when I get home.

It snowed last night...for the LAST time this year (let's hope). See, when we were in grade school (now called elementary school) we had to write poems, always writing poems. To learn what? Anyway, one of Molly's poems started out "It snowed last night, for the first time this year." And that's been a catch phrase for our (every-shrinking) family all these years. I can't say "It snowed last night" to anyone anytime without silently adding "for the first time this year." Sweet, sweet sister. Anyway, we only had a dusting, courtesy of Detroit, who got far more than a dusting. I had to scrape heavy ice/crust off my windshield and couldn't find a scraper this morning. Credit cards are very handy. I overslept intentionally today, which frustrates the dogs. We have a clerk who says fusstrates. My dogs were really fusstrated this morning. The contents of my bed included a toilet brush with the scrubber decapitated so that it is now totally useless (Jenica understands this fixation of Tess'), no roll of wrapping paper but a plastic pro-choice banner you're supposed to stick to your car, and a half-chewed roll of toilet paper for good measure. And Jack stood over me for 20 minutes barking at 3 second intervals. No exaggeration, 3-second intervals. It becomes a battle of wills--how long can I stand it for? And Chances nudges my head harder than you would think a dog could nudge. And Tess bounces around with treasures in her mouth, then runs to the living room/bathroom to find new ones. You'd think they'd be exhausted by the time I finally emerge from the covers. If I try to bury myself under the covers Tess digs like an avalanche rescue dog, frantically, before my air supply is cut off. Since she likes to sleep under the covers when it's cold, you'd think she'd just leave me alone and let me be under the covers. On the other hand, since she knows you go under the covers to SLEEP, perhaps she's working very hard to keep me AWAKE. Or, maybe I'm giving her entirely too much credit!

It's cool today, only supposed to be in the 40's, up to 70 tomorrow and maybe 80 on Friday. What? My daffodils are actually blooming. It's surprising how cheering that can be. I got home yesterday and walked around the yard, inspecting everything. Tess is so cheerful when I get home, it's hard to be anything but happy around her. She loves being let out of her cage, and really loves being with me. Runs away from me just so she can run back to me, leaping in the air. I have tete a tete daffodils, 6" high and incredibly cute, in several clumps now blooming bright yellow. My other standard borders of early bloomers are just starting to open. And, wonder of wonders, I have three batches of lupines coming up! This is a miracle, I've been trying to grow lupines for years. My friend Lin has fantastic lupines that I drool over each year, they just get better and better. Now I may actually have some bloom. There are some spectacular batches of lupines along the roadsides here in the North Country. They bloom in late June. I always associate lupines with Nova Scotia. Did we see them there, or did I just see pictures? I have a feeling we saw them. We saw Diana and Charles get married from a motel room. No...from a motel room we saw Diana and Charles get married. Molly saw more of it than I did, I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. It was at like 5 in the morning and she was wide awake. I do remember hearing Diana get his names in the wrong order, though. And look how that whole mess ended up.

I really like Molly's blog entry about family and Kristen being part of our family. I'm really happy she's willing to join our family. It completes a circle for me, and makes Henry that much more "alive" for the future. No, he's not alive. I keep remembering what his cold body felt like when I held it. If I hadn't done that I'm not sure I'd believe he was really, truly gone. Kristen and I shared a special time, standing there with the body, talking to him and talking to each other, talking about how he looked, stroking his hair and his face. God that sounds so morbid but it was so peaceful and wonderful at the time, so comforting to us. He was our Henry for that moment. And now we have our Kristen and our Margaret and our Grace and we're so lucky to have them with us.

Today there's a meeting of the correctional facility librarians here. They love going to meetings, which I suppose I would too if I worked in a prison. They have a different world of library service, that's for sure. I've been asked to meet & greet them, then stay for the meeting to talk about the interlibrary loan service we do and don't provide to them. Like, why can't we get them the book "Whoreson" or "The spook who sat by the door" every time they request it? And why can't we get them books to fill the subject request on lesbian sex slaves?

I ordered my ReDefeat Bush bumper sticker yesterday. I cut up the Silver Lake college decal for my car window so it just says Silver Lake now, quiet classy actually. I like to have something on my car that makes it mine. It's hard for me to put a Kerry sticker on my car, since I can barely support him, but I can certainly support a movement to defeat Bush. Lots of interesting sentiments at the march in DC, if my brain weren't such mush I could remember some of them.

Perhaps I should try to get some work done before the inmates, I mean librarians get here.

Monday night and I spent most of the day sleeping. Got home from Washington at 6:00, arriving in Plattsburgh at 5 a.m. It was great to get home: dead silence except for the birds chirping their first-thing-in-the morning chirps when I got out of the car. It is really wonderful to live here. Hear a white-throated sparrow this morning for the first time this spring. Anyway, the trip to Washington was grand. We took the bus down, left Plattsburgh at 10 Sat. night. I dropped the dogs off at the kennel at 6:30 that night. Tess' first time there, Jack's too. Joan is so great, she thought it was wonderful I was going to the march. Anyway, the trip down was good, no one slept much. There were 2 buses, the quiet and loud, we were on the loud of course. Showed movies all night, nothing we hadn't seen, including Big--Tom Hanks sure was young back then. We had a good time going down, everyone brought some food & we all shared, plus Leisa had a little Jack Daniels to pass around. We got to DC at 6 or so, went right to the mall, wandered around a while. Lots of tents set up, free t-shirts, buttons, signs to carry. Then the speeches started and we were at the front, hanging out on the grass & having a good time. We finally figured we should get back to where the NY State marchers were so we walked way down the mall, found the general area and fell asleep on the grass there. Woke up after they started the march, so we started out with marchers from Penn. Since we lost 3 members of our group of 7 on the way across the mall, we cut across to the beginning of the march, ending up marching with the socialists, which I really liked (their t-shirts said "Pro-choice and Anti-capitalist," I desperately wanted one. Then we switched and started marching with people from California, who had bullhorns and lots of creative slogans to yell. The march took 2 hours even though we didn't go far, it was just really slow because there were so many of us. CNN apparently estimated the crowd at 1.15 million, but newspapers seem to be saying 800,00 or so. Lots of women but some men too. Plenty of women our age but lots of younger women as well. In our group was Leisa, Lin, me, Cheri (the woman who owns the Jay Craft Center) and her daughter, another woman I knew from Saranac Lake, and a third woman who was really strange and I'd never met before. So after the march we sat on the grass and listened to speeches a while longer before heading back to the stadium where the bus was parked (along with about 70 or 80 others). The trip was really well organized, right up to the metro tickets to get us back & forth to the mall. We left DC at 6:30. The trip home was slow, traffic tied up all the way up the East coast on 95 from the march. It was a great time and I'm really glad I had a chance to go.

Now I'm home and it's cold cold cold. Had a fire and had the heat on all day. Picked the dogs up this morning. Joan only charged me for 2 days, not the 3 I expected, plus it was a lot cheaper than I remembered, so all went well. She likes Tess, says she a nice dog (always makes me feel good when she likes me dogs, I consider her a good judge of dog character) and said that Jack barked the whole time she was in the kennel with the dogs but settled down at night.

Tomorrow it's back to work, only now the director will be there. First time I've seen her since Wisc., not looking forward to this. She has no sense about these things, will not know how to approach me or deal with me. She'll either be rude and cold, or will act like an 8-year-old around me.

Liza called me this afternoon, not feeling too great by her own admission. I talked to her for a long time, an hour or so, and she seemed to feel better when we hung up. She liked it that she could call during the day using the phone card so that was a good idea. She didn't sound as bad as she did the other afternoon when I talked to her--Friday afternoon she almost wasn't making any sense. Today she was good, just sad. Me too. Howard called & left a message yesterday, knowing it was Henry's birthday. I thought of Henry a lot during the day, but then I think of him a lot everyday.

Walked to camp on Saturday--the ice went out Friday! Going to camp is still really difficult for me, I just wish Henry were still there--more for him than for me. Everything at camp is fine, it seems strange to have water there rather than ice, but it's nice. A window at the peak on the second floor, in the bedroom at the head of the stairs, broke and there's glass on the ground. It seems to have broken from the inside--that usually means there was a bird inside who flew out through it. I didn't go inside to check it out, had just gone down to take the dogs for a quick swim. I'm trying to get used to going to camp, toughening up, I guess. I know those Rogers cousins will want me to comfort them this summer, telling me how wonderful Henry was and how great a loss to the family it is, how different camp is without him, etc., so I want to be able to be there myself (if I'm doing to go there at all, that is). If I never reach the point this year where I can be there and enjoy it, then that's the way it goes. I don't need to be there.

The dogs survived their incarcertion just fine. Because it was so short I think Tess thought of it as an adventure. Jack jumped in the car and went right to sleep in the back seat. Tess and Chances sat in the front seat and watched the road through the windshield all the way home. They really are a special pair. It will be good to sleep in my own bed with them tonight.

I started reading East of Eden on the bus, only read a dozen or so pages. Whew! This is a big, long book. And now I'm having my nightly therapy of Law and Order (you know, Crime). Oh yeah, found a cool site, I think it's redefeatbush.com. They had shirts and stickers and posters.

And now we're getting ready to wrap up the day. The clock on this blog is way off, it's now 3:35 p.m. Today went by soooo slowly. I weeded for a long time, a process made somewhat more interesting because of our new automated system. What used to be keystrokes are now mouse clicks, so it's now click click click click click instead of F1 F2 F1 F3, etc. Not sure which is faster but I think this is turning out to be faster, there's definitely less typing involved and because it's Windows-based there's a lot more retention of earlier searches, which really saves work. God bless that Bill Gates, huh. Anyway, I'm into the MA's now, past the Matthews and moving right along. I swear it will be a miracle if I ever finish the fiction.

I ate 3 donuts this morning--the obese diabetic husband of the bookmobile clerk works at Plattsburgh's most famous bakery, and to reward him for a job well done they stuffed a box full full full of fresh donuts, chocolate frosted (a particular favorite), cinnamon twisted glazed (another favorite), so I felt depressed and mildly hungry this morning, plus proud of myself for getting to work 20 minutes early, thus ate like an obese diabetic. I'm still feeling ill all these hours later. I never did have the sugar crash I expected.

Called Liza this afternoon, who was disappointed I called because she wanted to call me using her new phone card, which she got in the mail from me. I told her to call Molly sometime when she wanted to talk to her. "But she calls me with her Euro card." Yes, but this way you don't have to wait until she calls you, if you feel like talking to her you could call her first. Anyway, now she can call anyone she wants to, any time she wants to. That should be good. I'm going there for Mother's Day, in spite of the fact that we'll spend all day Saturday driving around delivering flowers. She admitted that it's better doing that with another person, which I knew she'd prefer (she's told me in the past she really doesn't like doing it). Then on Sunday we'll go plant shopping and I'll come home on Monday. A whirlwind tour. Seems to me I've been there for Mother's Day in recent years but who knows.

Made arrangements for drop off and pick up times with the kennel this weekend. Warned Joan that Jackson barks and Tess eats poop. She said they sound just like her dogs, which was a relief to me. Her dogs are so well behaved I thought she'd think my dogs were kennel scum.

And now it's 4:00 and I just got off the phone with Liza who called with some strange messages for me, not sounding in very good shape. Too bad we're all so far apart or we could be of more help to each other, I think. She wanted me to know that Henry didn't think he had heart disease, she was sure. And maybe if he'd had more tests done he would have discovered some of the things that were wrong with him. Well I'm certainly not going to be doing any thinking like that! Hell, if I'd known I couldn't have children when I was thirty maybe I'd have had a child when I was 19, who knows.

I have to go to the grocery store to buy good things to eat on the way to DC. Estimates are that there will be a million people there on Sunday. I'll believe it when I see it. It would be nice, but who knows. I also need shoelaces because my dog Tess loves to chew them up, just after she eats some toothpaste. I have used duct tape to seal off the bottom of my toothpaste tube now so that I can squeeze it to get both the white stuff and the green stuff out to get just the right mix to fight cavities AND whiten my teeth when I brush. Here are some of her favorite things (aside from poop): toothpaste, Swatches, kleenex, toilet paper (on the roll), the tabs on the heels of shoes used to pull them up, shoelaces, anything in a burnable rubbish bag, anti-eat-poop pills, bark from firewood, photographs (the more precious the better), soda cans, orange peels that Jack is chewing on (you don't eat them, you just chew the pith off of them), Christmas tree balls (a special favorite because the pop! when you chew them), handmade baskets (especially the little ones), small ceramic dog figures that are really whistles. Oh the list goes on and on.

I'm out of here.

A Web site dedicated to so-called quirkyalones, quota community
[of people with] ... independent thought on singledom, life, and
love." These people are "romantics who resist the tyranny of
coupledom." This site provides the 2000 essay that sparked the
movement, a quiz to determine if you are a member, online
discussions forums, and information about International
Quirkyalone Day, February 14.

http://quirkyalone.net/qa/