Mixed state
is the psychiatric term for what's going on with me these days. I am both manic and depressed, simultaneously. Imagine what that does for you. I feel like crap. I spent wonderful hours with one of my favorite people (Linda) over the weekend, but couldn't drag myself off of the couch during nearly all the daylight hours. I can go from cheerful, witty, clever and creative to tears in seconds. I obsess about things that don't really matter and that I have no business obsessing about. I can't stop thinking about things that other people are doing.

Well, we're taking a course of action to fix this. Immediate course and long-term course. Dr. Rubin is a good doctor, my doctor for 10 years now, knows me very well. We'll try the quick fix and will introduce a new drug that will take at least a month to take effect, then wean me off some of the drugs I'm taking now. I cried when he described all of this: it's really awful to live a life in which your mental state is chemically determined, but I try to remind myself that the quality of my life is so much better than it used to be that this is all worth it. Anyway, I'll not name the new drug because the potential side effect will scare my sister. It's supposed to be really good for treating bipolarism and he's used it with great success for 4-5 years. He didn't try it with me because things were going pretty well with what we were using up until now. As we know, sometimes long-term use of depressants causes depression.

So I try to look for the good things in today. The sun is shining and it's green. Last night I mowed my lawn and that cheered me up incredibly. I used Lin's wonder mower and it took a fraction of the time it would have otherwise. What a huge relief to have that done! Tonight I will do my wash here in town then go home to put some plants in containers and maybe even plant those snaps in the ground. Must get the lilies and astilbe in the ground, too.

The no-see-ums were fierce last night. Really miserable. Something about sitting in your living room, watching Without a Trace, doing crossword puzzles while miniscule bugs bite the shit out you is both frustrating and satisfying. I love my new screen door and Tess of course has already poked a hole in it by jumping up to ask to be let in. I can patch it easily enough, but will I?

So far I've managed to rescue 2 female hummingbirds in the living room before Tess got to them. I think she's learning to leave them alone when I shout NO! as they bat against the window. She is fascinated by the process of catching and releasing them, though. Well, who wouldn't be--they chirp really loudly when you put the dishtowel over them.

I'm the only one in the department today, can listen to my music without earphones. Unfortunately our automated system is down so I'm not sure what to do. Look up my new drug, for a long time. Read book reviews. Find records on OCLC I guess. I suppose I could prepare some statistics for my director's upcoming interview with the media. nah, don't feel like doing that. See--work cheers me up! I just hope that people who find me difficult, or who say I'm always the problem will try to understand that I can't always control by behavior, especially when things are going on in my life that provoke strong chemical reactions. People don't always get that. I do my best, but mostly I'm just not like other people. I'm working on it, I'm working on it. I've been working on it for a very long time. Think how sad and frustrating that is for me.