"There's flies in the kitchen
I can hear 'em in there buzzin'
And I ain't done nothin'
Since I woke up today
How the hell can a person
Go to work in the mornin'
And come home in the evenin'
And have nothin' to say"

Molly posted this John Prine song on her blog--I like this verse because it's my life sometimes. It may sound depressing but I don't read it that way. I find days like that peaceful in my solitary life, reinforcing my belief that maybe I was, after all, meant to be alone. I especially like the part about "ain't done nothin' since I woke up today." I don't see that as a negative--I spend some days like that, but in peace and enjoying where I live and how I live. Besides, I guess playing with your animals constitutes doing something after all.

I had a dream this morning that Jamie and I were walking along, discussing finding one's self, figuring out who you really are. He was definite that you can only do that if you're involved in a relationship--if you're part of a couple, then you find out who you really are. I, of course, said you need to be alone to find out who you REALLY are. It was funny, because there was his true personality (as it used to be, anyway), so definite that he was right and that his point of view was valid and everyone should see it his way.

I've been dreaming about him quite a bit lately, probably because he's in the news almost every day--an audit discovered blatant misuse of town credit cards by town officials (including him). When he's so visible like that he rises to the surface of my mind. Plus yesterday I got something in the mail from his mother. I put off opening it, as if it were something bad, like a letter telling me I'd done something wrong. It wasn't, it was just a newspaper article (which I'd already seen) and some news she thought I didn't know (which I knew long ago, and which part of wasn't true). I feel sorry for her, she's unhealthy and her need to be right and know everything is stronger than ever I guess. She once told me I was her best friend, along with her daughter. That really surprised me (and made me think she must not have had very many good friends), but after Jamie left I realized she missed me very, very much. She could never express that, but I could tell she did. Too bad for her--her son's an ass wipe.

The dreams about Jamie leave me feeling uneasy because it's been too long for me to keep thinking about him. I worry that I'm obsessing and living in the past. Psychiatrist says I'm not, that I've certainly moved on. I have, but he's always there--I guess because he's in the news, and I see his parents from time to time. I was in Lake Placid yesterday, eye doctor appointment. I always feel as if I have to sneak around that town, like, you know--slump way down in my seat. When I have to go there I almost always go there, do whatever I need to do, then get out of town as quickly as possible. Sometimes I grocery shop, but that makes me really nervous. It's all silly--what would I do if I saw Jamie? Run & hide? Get so angry I'd stroke out? Tell him I'm still pissed off about the $13,000 capital gains debt he stiffed me with when he left (oh for god's sake let go of that one!)? Run up to him and swoon? No, I'd get nervous but say hello. Anti-climactic.

Time to get some honest work done. Met with my clerks this morning. One was displeased because I told her I didn't want her to do the work I didn't know she was doing, which was the other clerk's job but she'd snuck into her work because I guess she liked doing it. TOO BAD! We don't get to grab the jobs we want to do and not tell our supervisors' we're doing it. Especially if we're going to complain that we don't get credit for doing it. Dork-o-matic.

It was 1 degree this morning. Someone might have mentioned it was going to be that cold. I was really lazy and stupid last night and let the fire go out. The house was 53 this morning so I have to change my hours today--had to stay home until I got a good fire going, good enough to hold a fire all day. The sun was out when I left, so hopefully the living room will warm up to a reasonable temp. And I did learn my lesson. My lessons are usually hard-learned. I have to break it before I believe it will actually break.

Now on to MARC records. Did you know that "Bruce Willis is Hudson Hawk?"