It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Another priceless sunny day with fantastic color coming along. Still not peak but working toward that. I had to drive to Akwesasne, the Indian reservation, which is on the St. Lawrence, to do a "quick version" of the 3 hour workshop I've been doing on collection development. I forgot to buy gas this morning and was driving there with another librarian, oblivious to the yellow light on the instrument panel until we got to Fort Covington ("The Fort"). God what a fool. Anyway, I got gas, squeezed 440 miles out of the tank of gas, which means I must have really had NO gas left in the tank, it was a nerve-wracking few miles after I discovered I had no gas before we found a gas station in the middle of nowhere. So I get to the reservation only to discover that they called me after I left to tell me not to bother coming, there wasn't enough of an audience for me to do the presentation. So I wasted pretty much my whole day: 1 1/2 hours up there to speak to an audience of 2. Then I had to stay for lunch (potluck: last night I made apple brownies. This morning while I was brushing my teeth Tess took them off the counter and ate them all. I bought a $10 chocolate torte at the best bakery in town). Then I had to stay for their discussion of fundraising. Then I had to drive home with the director, but fortunately another director I like very much rode with us. I took the scenic route home, over the mountain (and through the woods) and it was very pretty. Went through Lyon Mountain, where we used to go with my grandfather when we were kids, looking for slag from the iron mine there. And now it's pretty much time for me to go home. I had to cancel my chiropractor's appointment this morning and my sciatica is killing me. Have to drive to Canton tomorrow for all-day training. Oh boy! Sitting in a hard chair all day after driving for 1 1/2 hours! Yahoo!

So I had an ok weekend, not terribly productive but I did get my rug cleaned. I bought the neatest little rug shampooer. You have to get on the floor to use it, it's only for small jobs but is very useful for someone whose dogs pee on the rug. I cleaned my living room rug, which has never been cleaned. Man oh man was it filthy. Then I cleaned the two bathroom rugs that Chances peed on. Now they don't smell like pee anymore, nor does my living room. It smells like clean rug. I'm happy but it took forever and was tiring. Not something I'll do often, but I imagine I'll do lots of spot-cleaning, thank you Chances. What's up with these dogs? They seem to have stopped throwing up but now Jackson pees and poops on the floor every night. It's not as if he can't hold it, he holds it all day from 7-5. Last night I let him out at midnight, and when I got up at 6, there it all was, in the same spot. I fantasized about having him put to sleep, telling the vet he can't control his bowels anymore. How nice it would be to have just the brown girls. I'll call the vets for advice, see what they say. I can't live with this, that's for sure.

Yesterday I went to camp. The far shore is really pretty but not yet peak. Unusual for the last weekend in September. Plenty of reds but still plenty of green as well. It was sunny and warm. I wanted to borrow camp's wheelbarrow because mine is missing a bolt--but camp's has a flat tire. This sucks. I was all set to stack firewood yesterday, but with no wheelbarrow I can't move the wood from site A to the wood shed. That was that. In the afternoon two people brought my dogs back from the bog. The guy brought out his cell phone and said he wanted to call the number on their tags but he couldn't get any cell service. Give me a break. They said, very dramatically that the dogs followed them ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP. Big whoop. I didn't have the heart to tell them that it was probably the third time that day they'd done that. Anyway they were nice people who were concerned about having the dogs get home ok.

I've been thinking about Henry a lot. Yesterday I walked on the path he made to the crest of my hill, which has the view of Whiteface he knew I should have. The view is getting overgrown now, but the path is still there. I walked past the brush pile he made for me to burn and felt so sad. He had great plans for my land and my house. This morning I cried most of the way to work. I miss him very, very much. I called Liza when I got to work and had a nice talk with her. She seems as if she's trying hard to not be so depressed (JoAnne threatened her with antidepressants and that did it--shape up, Liza, or else! so now she's trying to feel better. who knows). I'm going there in a couple of weeks, which will be nice for all of us.

And now I have to stop at Loews to try to find a bolt that will fit my wheelbarrow so I can start moving my firewood. This is getting to be way too much for me to think about but I have to get it done. Maybe I'll have to buy a new wheelbarrow. It's a real pain in the neck transporting it home, I have to have it bungeed, sticking out of the trunk. But I do the things I have to do.

NOW WHY WOULD?
Now why would a sales rep "drop by" at 2:45 on a Friday afternoon, "just to introduce" himself? I spoke to him with my arms full of the books I was using to fill requests, not letting him beyond the vestibule, not quite tapping my toes, but being (I thought) visibly eager to get back to my tasks. This is just not the way to endear yourself to me. Make a call BEFORE you stop by and I'll let you know when it's convenient for me to interrupt myself to speak to you. Plus he had no idea how we function here, thought we did all the purchasing and processing for our 35 member libraries, and we had a subscription to Grolier Online. NOT. Give me a break. He kept trying to correct me when I said none of the above were true. "Why would they say that?" he asked 3 times. Go fuck yourself, I said not outloud.

What a gorgeous fall day it is, though. Huge flock of turkeys ambling across the road on my way to work this morning. You have to laugh when you get that close to them. They don't call 'em turkeys for nothing. They really are something to see. Mondo ugly from the neck up, and not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but clever in their own way. The colors of the trees are really getting pretty. Lots of rusts and reds coming along.

I can't figure out what's going on with the dogs. No puke yesterday but Chances loves to pee in the same spot on the rug and really stink up the house. I don't know if it's a psychological thing or if there's really something wrong with her. Anyway, Tess didn't puke yesterday during the day so I thought we were all set, but she woke me during the night with 2 huge piles on the floor. Swell. I think they ate massive quantities of rotten apples in the woods this week. I followed them last night and they went right down to the apple trees, shuffling along the forest floor in the sweetest (most puke-worthy) way. I didn't let them eat much, so I thought they'd be ok. Let's see what greets me tonight. I have to look for an inexpensive rug cleaning machine at Walmart on my way home tonight. And buy Chances a new collar, since Tess woke me this morning to the sound of >crunch, crunch, crunch< as she chewed the plastic parts the nice purple collar C. has had for 2 years. Somehow she tore if off and started chewing it. She loves to chew that webbing stuff. This dog has cost a small fortune in stuff she's chewed up. Oh, but she's so cute and I love her so much.

I listened to Sgt. Pepper on the way to work this morning. I didn't realize that it had been exactly 6 months since Henry began to die, but I got very emotional hearing the music. I remember when the album first came out, how much he loved it and how much he wanted Molly and me to love it too. He sat me down in his room at Winthrop Lane and had me listen to it from start to finish. I have to admit I wasn't as enamored as he was (but then I wasn't doing the same drugs he was at that point) but boy I sure came to love that album. What a masterpiece. Each song is just so perfect. I love "indicate precisely what you mean to say" as a phrase. And Rita, and Lucy, and Billy Shears. But it made me sad before it made me happy. I miss my brother, have been thinking of him all week, more than usual. Of course I think of him every day, but this week I just start crying. This is ok, I can stop more easily now. Anyway, I've always heard that John and Paul wanted to make an album that was at least as good as Brian Wilson's "Pet Sounds," and that's what inspired them to do Sgt. Pepper. I always wondered about that, because who knew that Brian Wilson was a musical genius? But now I listen to the harmonies in the Beach Boys' songs and realize how beautiful and complex they are. But I always have to laugh because my favorite, my all-time favorite was Dennis, the drummer, who turned out to be a raging alcoholic who destroyed his life and ultimately drowned in an alcoholic haze. Soon Brian will be releasing "Smile," the unfinished album, which will hopefully be the masterpiece everyone has been expecting it to be for decades.

So what's up for this weekend? Not much. Stack firewood, for sure. Yeah, she always says that. No, really, this time I really mean it. I have to, it's nearly October and I have this huge pile of wood to get drying. I was thinking I should mow at least part of my lawn--not to get it mowed, but to use up the gas in the mower before I store it for winter. Not supposed to store them with gas in them. Every fall I dump out the gas & make a mess. Other than that, nothing going on. Feeling pretty laid back, is that good? Wrote my articles for the shoreowners' newsletter, after putting that off for 6 weeks. Nothing very inspiring or creative. Meant to write something fascinating about Daddy longlegses, but never got around to doing the research so that will have to wait. They're all over the place these days, fall must be their busy time. Someone told me their venom is deadly, which I've heard before, but they never bite so they're harmless. Whatever that means.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning
So we prevailed at my hearing yesterday, but that was just a battle, and the end result is that she dug in her heels more deeply and is now incredibly angered and ready to draw blood. The hearing officer ruled that they had not followed proper procedures (quelle surprise) so her written reprimand must be destroyed. They had claimed that our grievance had no merit because we had taken to long to pay the filing fee. That got show down by the hearing officer because there's no time limit in our contract for filing the fee. I could hear the system's attorney shouting at the end when the two attorneys were meeting with the hearing officer for the final decision to be made. So here's how it went: I went in to the room with the hearing officer, my attorney, my union rep, the director and the system's attorney. Emy (sys. attorney) presented joint documentation, which consisted of memos and letters. accepted by all. Discussion of events and memos. Emy tries to make the case about whether or not I accepted the written reprimand when it was presented to me. Director is sworn in (refuses to raise her right hand on religious grounds--she's a Quaker). Is asked questions about the meeting at which she presented me with the written reprimand. Since I know she can't remember details, I can tell she makes up certain salient points, stumbles over others. Says I didn't sign off on the memo. The memo says that if I don't sign it, disciplinary charges will be taken. "Were these charges taken?" no. My union rep is sworn in, as he was also present at the meeting, and heard me say that I refused to sign or accept the reprimand. At this point Emy enters into evidence the notes (anecdotal) taken by director at the meeting. In capital letters are written "DENIAL" about my reaction. Ken (union rep) says that every time I try to speak I'm interrupted by Mary, who says, "of course you'd deny it, that's what I'd expect you to do." I remember all this painfully well. Does Ken remember my saying that I refuse to accept the reprimand? Yes, he clearly does. I don't get to testify. RATS! We leave for lunch while the hearing officer makes his decision. We return, wait for half an hour, during which time the tranquilizer's soporific effect takes hold and I begin to doze. Finally attorneys are called in and decision is announced to them (I hear yelling). We're called outside, told the results and I'm asked if I want to proceed with a hearing on the reprimand at this point. This would mean that all witnesses would be called and all accusations would be addressed--my trying to subvert the process, calling someone a cripple, my interfering with Julie's doing her job, etc. I decide to end the day, don't want to deal with the ramblings of a lunatic at this point, knowing that she will rewrite the charges in a (seemingly) more coherent form. Maybe this is wise, maybe not, but it will give us a chance to prepare a stronger case against the cripple comment, which is not what my attorney has been focusing on thus far. We need one witness he has not lined up for the day. Besides, I'm TIRED OF THIS. So that's it for the day. Wasted 5 hours and a lot of the library's and union's money. And that was only round 1.

When we get back to the library the director finds me delivering an audio book to another member of the staff and tells me it's time for us all to be doing work in our own departments now. OK, I say. I walk by another person's cubicle: she tells me the workshop we were to do in Malone is cancelled. The director hovers, listening in on the conversation. I go to the bathroom. Julie is in there. The director follows me there. Is this woman rowing with two oars? I pee and flush, Julie and I say "See you tomorrow." That seemed safe enough.

So I go to the chiropractor, who wants to talk about all sorts of things, but ends up giving me very explicit instructions on how to move firewood. This is good. He also works on my pressure points for spleen, intestine and liver. This is to help my sacro-iliac so my legs won't ache all the time when I sit down. And today I feel better driving in to work and sitting at my desk.

Then I finally get home to discover that dog A has peed on the floor and rug, while dog B has puked in her cage. We're having a rash of puking and peeing in the house this week. I don't know what's going on. Chances and Tess are puking every day but are fine otherwise. No loss of appetite (just the reverse--of COURSE they're hungry, their stomachs are empty!). I have no idea what the pee is about or who's doing it. All I know is that it's no fun to walk in the door and start cleaning up puke and pee before you get to relax and eat your dinner. Just before I went to bed I let them all out to pee (and puke, if they had to, since Chances had spent one night puking on the floor 4 times) and only Chances returned. FINE! I shut the door, turned out the lights and went to bed. Chances worries about Tess if she doesn't come home, but I was so tired and drained that I slept soundly all night. No one was at the door this morning, though, causing mild concerned. I called Jackson & Tess, and 2 minutes later Tess came bounding up the stairs and into the house, very happy to see me and relate her adventures. Jackson ambled in a little later. This is not a good way to monitor what they eat or how firm their poop is, but I'm just not up to controlling them these days. I can barely keep track of myself. Let's see what greets me when I get home.

Today I'm cataloging videos of classic films (done) and will now write some articles for our newsletter. One will be about the nice workshop I went to on redesigning library space. That will be ok to do. Another will be a potpourri of interesting websites and the third will be excellent election-related websites. you go girl.

Tomorrow I have to do a repeat of the workshop on collection development for member libraries. I think we have an audience of 4, but not 4 who are motivated or stimulating, if I'm correct in guessing who the 4 are. But I'll do my best. yuck it up.

It continues to be autumn here. I bought 2 sweaters from Lands End overstocks yesterday. cotton. And two long sleeved tops at Penneys last night while I was waiting for my apointment at the chiropr.'s. I need some more pants, and that will be my winter/fall wardrobe for the year.

So that's the news. Sick dogs, wiped out me, work, firewood.

The lost weekend
I left my house this morning, surveying my living room and said, "This is not the way a house should look after a weekend." It should have looked clean, straightened up and much more organized. What did I do all weekend? Well, yesterday I took a wonderful, 2 hour nap. That's what a glass of bourbon and a glass of wine at 1:00 with Sunday dinner will do for you. We had dinner at Fred's camp, which is a beautiful place, and he had a wonderful fire in the fireplace. It was great and we all relaxed, enjoyed each other's company and the day. Then I went home and crashed. Tess ripped apart my $8 Target purse, frustrated because I had zipped it shut. She tore a hole in the bottom and emptied the contents. One tranquilizer was missing from the pill bottle (but she apparently did NOT eat it, judging by her behavior in the evening) and the car was locked (after she played with the remote door locker, oh these modern inventions I'm just an old-fashioned girl), but at least this time she didn't chew up my credit cards--or maybe that was NOT a blessing. Chances puked all night, sitting humbly in the corner after each episode. I watched the Emmys last night--sometimes I really enjoy the total waste of time that awards shows are. I brought in all my house plants because we had frost warnings. No frost, but now I have plants on every surface in my living room. I cut back the Swedish (jah) ivy to nubbins and am rooting a new potful (as if I needed another plant) in anticipation of the death of my huge (9' long) asparagus fern that hangs from the second floor. I think it's getting to be too old and will die soon. I worried that Tess' heart was beating too fast and she was going to die during the night, then discovered that that is the normal rate for a dog's heart to beat when I FINALLY found Chances' heartbeat under the layers of fat and ribs. See, I found a chewed up and empty pill bottle with the label destroyed on the l. room floor after my nap and I didn't know what she had eaten, or if she had eaten an Atavan, or what she had done while I was asleep. With this dog you just never know. Her heart was just beating so quickly I was sure no heart could make it through the night. But lo and behold that's the normal rate. Go figure.

But I had an ok weekend. Not productive, fairly sociable. I went to a great workshop on Friday, done by an architect who works with libraries (why didn't we have one of those when we did our building renovation?) on redesigning your library. He was great and my time was well spent. Friday night my cousin Tom stopped by and we visited for a few hours. I had my wood delivered and Tom and the driver picked the best spot for it to be dumped (don't you just love it when two men get together). The driver turned out to be my plowman so I had a chance to butter him up a whole lot. He works for the town in the winter. Tom and I talked about Henry and both cried, that felt sort of good.

Saturday I packed up my garbage and went to camp to clean out the refrigerators. Tom, Bill and their brother-in-law Jim were there, just finishing up the dock removal. Boat house out and stored in the slip (see, Jenica--that was a good idea, wasn't it!). We stood in the sun in the driveway, traditional shit-shooting spot and visited for 45 minutes or so. They are very nice people. Then I went to the dump. My friend Lin came over, picked up the book our group is reading this month, we visited a bit. She invited me for dinner at their camp, Tom & Bill invited me for dinner at their camp. In the end I stayed home, just didn't feel like going anywhere. Good idea, bad idea, I just stayed home. Watched Matchstick Men. Nicholas Cage is such a good actor. Good movie.

And now it's Monday, zeroing in on the end of September. Have already had big discussion about who should be deleting records from the data base, how we should handle "unowned" records in the data base, what to do about renegade and unpleasant staff member at library next door. But all was good in discussion, no one got upset and I soothed everyone and lulled them by saying no decisions would be made until I have all the information about how and how much work is currently being done. blah blah blah.

Tomorrow is the hearing for my grievance against the director. My friend Julie has been subpoened to testify on my behalf. That was a big surprise to the director. Julie was referred to in the written reprimand that is the center of the whole grievance. The director accused me of phoning and conversing with Julie to the point of interfering with her ability to get her work done, and in an attempt to subvert the assessment process. Lies, all lies! Anyway, Julie and I never talk on the phone and both know the whole thing is laughable. Whether she'll have to testify is not known but my lawyer wants her there on my behalf. Am I nervous about the hearing? You bet, but not just yet. Tomorrow I'll be hysterical. Today I'm just getting my work done.

The sun is shining and it's a beautiful autumn day. It was very cold this morning, but the leaves are turning and it's one of the prettiest times of year at my house. I have a huge pile of firewood to stack. woo-hoo. I didn't touch a stick of it Saturday or yesterday, oh the shame of it. I did get to talk to my sister, though, which was a nice treat.

The perfect shoe
The search never ends, but if I ever found the perfect shoe, then I'd have to stop buying shoes, and that would be tragic. As it is now, I bought 2 new pairs of shoes (I hear the collective groan) on sale from Lands End overstocks, both to replace shoes chewed by the Perfect Tess. Both are improvements over their predecessors. I have also ordered a new winter boot, on sale from Sierra Trading Post, religious tho they are, they have good stock. This is a lower boot than I'll need in the heart of winter, but it will be nice for a break. I also ordered flannel-lined jeans, which Ken swears I'll really, really like. He wears his for weeks on end (yuck). This money is from my accident settlement and I can't spend any more of it because the last of it has to go for firewood and lumber. And no, I don't need any of these items, I just wanted them. Footwear, I always want footwear. Yes, I can stare down at my sea of shoes and still feel that I don't have the right shoe to wear. With my jeans. And the shoes came in the Perfect Box. Since I'm a box hoarder, this really pleased me, but I won't take the box home, I'm forcing myself to leave it here at work. I have no more room at home for empty boxes.

Difficult work situation going on. Clerk #1 wanted two of her job duties reassigned to Clerk #2. No particular reason, she just felt it would be appropriate if these jobs were no longer done by her--they are not appropriate to her title, are beneath her, etc. Clerk #2 does not have time to take on extra duties. Clerk #1 has been here for 20 years, feels she should (for that reason) get what she asks for. I refused her request yesterday when the three of us sat down to discuss this. When I asked if we all agreed that the three of us are equally overburdened in our jobs Clerk #1 said no, she didn't agree, she felt she had more work than the other 2 of us. This is patently untrue and really fries me. She has more flexibility and really, less work, than the other clerk and I do. She also said that we NEVER offer to help her. Again, so not true. At the end of the day she came to me and said she felt I had not treated her with respect, that she had been here for 20 years, Clerk #2 only here for 1.5 years got whatever she asked for (she didn't ask for anything, I reminded her), and that now she guessed her work would just back up (ON PURPOSE?? I asked, incredulous--"Oh no," she replied innocently). Since she's not getting any additional work there's really no rationale for that. This is a woman who is really angry because, though she's only turning 50 in November, she feels she needs to retire as soon as possible. I agree with her feelings more and more every day. She'll have enough years in with the retirement system so that, if the state offers and early retirement incentive one of these years, she'll be able to take it and run. She's just pissed because they didn't do it this year. Tough shit. I was eligible for early retirement about 3 years ago but couldn't afford to do it. Probably wouldn't have anyway--what would I have done?

So now I'm dealing with the wrath of a bitter employee (aren't we all). But the sun is shining and it's autumn. You might call it Indian summer, but Ken would correct you. Indian summer, according to him, only comes after the first frost. We haven't had that yet, in fact we haven't even come close. Only 36, I think. There's a really nice article in this month's Adirondack Life magazine, written by Bill Hord's son-in-law (who's studying creative writing), about the relationship between Bill and Ken. It's very touching and captures their relationship very nicely. Ken's pleased with it.

And I'm driving a Magnesium, 2004 Honda Civic. It's very nice. Clean, smells good, drives like a dream, nice tight transmission. I like it a lot and am very happy with it. Have had plenty of compliments on the color, was feeling very special because surely it must be relatively uncommon, since it took so long to get one, when suddenly, there at the stop sign this morning was...a Magnesium Honda Civic. Can you believe it? I couldn't. Get that car off the road!

Spent yesterday cataloging theses and dissertations on the Mohawks and their various cultural situations, gambling arrangments, educational stuff, etc. for the library that's on the reservation. That was dry enough. This morning I weeded our Sidney Sheldon collection. That was boring enough. I had to shelve books in order to clear a book truck to use for weeding. That's work that a page should be doing, not a Librarian III like me. That was the point that Clerk #1 kept making--she's doing the work of a Clerk and a Page, not just work of a Principal Clerk. woo-hoo. It'll be a cold day in hell before she ever shelves another book to help with the backlog, that's for sure. I can see that. I told her we'll never fill the vacant position in our dept. so we'll all have to do the work of the non-existent page and clerk, like shelving, etc. That did NOT appease her. Well, I said, you like your free health insurance, and your benefits and your job, don't you? That's what has to happen in order for us to keep those things. There's just not enough money right now. Sour, sour face.

The dogs seem relatively peaceful these days. It's really nice at night so I leave the door open and the come and go at will. Tess and Chances run out, disappear for half an hour or so, then come running in, breathless. so cute. Then back out to repeat the whole exercise. I think they're eating apples at the foot of the driveway. Part of my new eating pattern involves eating cooked apples in the evening for my snack. What the hell--we have tons of orchards here with some of the best apples ever, I might as well eat them, huh. The Macouns are in season, and I love them. They're great for applesauce. I may sleep in the boat house tonight, if I can get my shit together enough to get down there. How complicated is it, really? Grab a few things, get in the car and GO.

What the dogs at Adirondack Pet Lodge are saying this afternoon:
"This is ok, we can walk around together in the room and wag our tails."
"I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE AND I'M GOING TO BARK AND HOWL THE ENTIRE TIME. Watch me throw my head back and reallly wail! If I make enough noise they'll let me out."
"I shouldn't have to wear a collar so maybe I can scratch it off with my foot if I just try and try and try with my hind leg."
"zzzzzzzzz"
"Not only am I a pretty yellow Lab, but I'm well behaved too."

What my dogs would say:
"A terrible mistake has been made. We should not be here."

Refusal to accept
In spite of the fact that it's cold (40) in the morning, I refuse to wear a jacket. I have a favorite spring/fall jacket, though now tattered at the cuffs, that I can wear to the car, from the car to the building, it won't hurt me to put it on. But that would mean...you guessed it...summer's over. Well, hell, the trees are turning red and orange, that means summer's over. It's done. I went berrying last night and all the blackberries are gone. Af first I was pissed at myself because I let the campers beat me to the spots I always go to, the spots that I didn't think others knew about. Then I got back to my house and discovered that all my berries had been "picked" too. I guess the birds were my competition, plus the deer and the squirrels. Can't complain, now, can I. I have to get out there sooner. I knew the berries were ripe two weeks ago, I just thought I had more time. whine whine. There were plenty of berries, too, I can tell by the empty stems. I have enough for nearly one pie, if I can find more of some kind of berry to fill in with. Sometimes I'm amazed by myself. I'd blame it on laziness but this fall I don't really think that's what it was. Anyway, I had a really good time last night, berrying with the dogs. I love doing that. The sun was golden and low in the sky, the dogs would have been whistling if they knew how, they were practically skipping. They picked along with me but weren't happy with the yield. It was a beautiful evening and I had a really nice, peaceful wonderful time.

Today, wonder of wonders, my car is being delivered. I spoke to the "money man" to go over the final figures this morning because the figures didn't look right when they delivered the wrong car before. The figures are right, the color is reputed to be right (the salesman has left me at least 3 messages describing the car, "Magnesium, 5-speed, LX"). And, since I've had to wait 3 weeks and have driven 3 different cars in the interim, I'm actually looking forward to having this car delivered. See? Good things DO come to those who wait. I just want to have my own car. I want to move into my own house on my own Hakapalita tires. I've done pretty well in keeping the Accord clean and like to think I can make the same effort with my own new car. So this is it, the end of this saga. Let's hope, anyway.

Long, long meeting this morning with other professionals and director. I finally started to doze a bit, squirming in my seat. blah blah blah. I could focus on our planning to plan for the future for only so long, but when they got to planning to plan for the next 2 years my eyes really did glaze over. I got up to go to pee, came back refreshed and said "So then, where were we?" in an honest effort to wrap things up. I think 2 hours is just too long for 4 people to meet.

Yesterday I did a workshop on collection development. For some reason I was in rare form and put on a great stand-up routine, which was fortunate because the director was in the audience. Unfortunate, thought, because these are regional workshops which are to be repeated twice more and I've set the bar pretty high. There are 2 of us doing this, with a bit added on at the end by the director (her part is really dry, confusing and dull). I was really funny yesterday, which is a shame because I can't stand to repeat the same jokes a second and third time, but I know the director will expect me to get lots of laughs next week at the other 2 sessions. I had a good audience, people who interacted and were receptive to what we were discussing. Let's see how it goes next week. The director couldn't stop talking about how well it went and how great a presentation it was. Yeah, well, make 'em laugh is what I always say. Being bipolar has its perks when it comes to performing. That's why Robin Williams is such a genius.

So today I'm faced with a desk that's absolutely covered with paperwork. There is no naked space at all and I can't stand the thought of exposing any. I'll catalog I guess, and weed--my 2 staples of activity when I can't stand to be any more creative than that.

Had a good weekend. Jenica came Friday night, it was great to see her and be together. We watched the CSI marathon (that's Crime Scene Investigation, a tv show about forensics, all fiction, takes place in Las Vegas). One right after another. It was fun, hypnotic. Saturday we had a dock day. Started out a bit cold but ended up really hot. We had lunch on the dock (turkey, not cucumber sandwiches) and I swam twice. That brings my seasonal total to 4. Not bad for me. The water was 67 degrees, which is pretty cold, really. The brown girls lazed along with us and Tess swam and swam. A good day. We went out for dinner to a really nift restaurant with an unbelievable menu. Lots and lots of choices. We went with Linda and Erdvilas (who was only mildly annoying) and Bill and had a good time, ate lots of good food. Sunday morning we watched MTV for a while, sitting in the sun in the living room enjoying it a lot. She left, I went to Sunday dinner with Bill, L & E and Ken. That was nice--it was sunny and warm. Such a nice, golden sun we have now. We stayed at Linda's for a long, long time, then I came home and slept for a long, long time. What else could I do? It was their last day, they're safely tucked in in Ann Arbor now, to return in a few weeks for Columbus Day.

I'm feeling better, not so gloomy. Do I care more about things? I'm not sure, but I seem to be happier. I still miss my brother, and I'm still sad that he died. I cry, but not as much. I dreamed about our old house at Green Street last night, that I had to move back there--but that's just because I was reading my old journal from when we were moving from there to my house to Jenica the other night and we were laughing at the absurdity of it all. I also dreamed about Jamie, who in my dream was complaining about something petty, so I said to him, "At least you're still alive, and at least you didn't have someone you really love die. You always complain about the stupidest things, but you're still alive." That felt really good in my dream. A dream of wish-fulfillment. I keep dreaming about cars that are going out of control, the brakes don't work. My classic anxiety dream, but in these dreams I get the cars to stop just before I hit something. So there I am, teetering on the edge of loss of control in my life. I guess that's ok, at least I'm not rolling off a cliff.

Back to the chiropractor tonight, that will feel good. Then to Walmart to pick up pictures from the RI trip. Another nice thing. Then I get to watch two episodes of CSI tonight. My new version of Law & Order. I such a sucker for tv, huh.

Perhaps a better world is drawing near
To quote Jackson Browne, singer of the most depressing lyrics any of us have ever sung. But today I feel better. Maybe extend-release Wellbutrin is the way to go after all, raising the dose and changing the way you take it. yahoo. (don't we like the way ya-hoo has become yahoo, now that we all are so familiar with webspeak?) Anyway, today, in spite of the continuous rain, I feel better. I had to ride to work with Erdvilas, dropping him off at the place where they are fixing Linda's car (god help them, he wanted to witness the operation). He ranted and groaned ALL THE WAY in. I grasped the steering wheel harder and harder so that by time I got to Plattsburgh my knuckles were white. god, man, give it a break. We all hate Bush but some of us learn to control it. Anyway, I like the solitude of my ride to work and do not want to carpool. good to know, check.

Had a very pleasant time last night with a different group of people. Started off with Linda and Erdvilas (ok, not different people) who needed a ride home from Pbg. They gave me a quick drink while L and I sat in front of the fire, which was really nice, soothing and peaceful. I could do that for a long time. Then I rushed to feed the dogs and get to dinner reasonably (as opposed to fashionably) late. Had a nice time, good visit with people. They reported that the night before, they let their 12 year old black lab out in the evening and when she came back in she was really bouncy and energetic, wagging her tail. Ran into the living room, jumped on top of their company, licked and licked him, most unlike her (her name of course is Molly--as all black Labs are named). She was panting, seemed thirsty, so Emily called her into the brightly lit kitchen for a drink of water, where she turned out not to be black, or old, but chocolate and young and Tess. Turns out Tess has wanted to see the inside of that camp all summer long and leapt at the chance to get inside, I guess. Anyway, Molly wouldn't come inside until Tess went outside and Tess wouldn't go outside until Molly came inside so poor Emily, who knew Tess was mine, had to convince my dog to GO HOME.

And when I got home I found two very fat, very uncomfortable dogs loose in the living room. Tess was safely locked in her cage but Jackson and Chances had eaten at least 15 pounds of dog food (and this is not the cheap stuff, either). They were so fat they were grunting and groaning. Chances lay at my feet and whined, something she never does. I contemplated making her throw up, but it was raining and I didn't feel like going on vomit patrol in the dark so I let her suffer. This morning they were still very very fat. Jackson looks like a Sudanese refugee, he's so long and lanky but then there's this huge swollen belly. Tess had milk bones for breakfast, like eating circus peanuts to a human. I gave C & J each 3 small milk bones as a token gesture. If I had no dogs, what would I do for entertainment? Television is one dimensional and is based on other peoples' lives.

Tonight, wonder of wonders, I will dine alone at home. I can't wait. If I had a fireplace it would be nice but I'll cuddle up on my couch and watch mindless Law and Order reruns (although they're now showing CSI reruns at 7 & 8--oh goody!). And, for the Italians, the new series starring Joey Trebiani starts tonight. Got a terrible review in the Washington Post online but I'll give it a shot.

So Frances is now raining down on us. Tomorrow we're supposed to see some sun in the afternoon, and Saturday is supposed to be a nice September day. The trees are turning quickly. colors, that is. I think we'll have good color this year, lots of rain. I need to get out into the bushes and do lots of blackberry picking. The people last night said they had picked everything already but I wonder if they know my spots. I'll be disappointed if they do. They leave on Saturday and there will be more to the crop, but they've picked enough for 2 pies already.

Tomorrow and Saturday nights will be spent with Linda and Erdvilas, they leave on Monday. Jenica may come--hurray! Haven't seen her in a while, and we had such a great fall last year. I love September here, it's truly a wonderful time. I have to call the wood lady tonight to see when she can deliver another 4 cords for my Wood Olympics. I'll need to alert Martha so she can come be my judge.

So I'm killing a few minutes before quittin' time, watching the dogs at http://adirondackpetlodge.com, and the dog in, I think, the Gore Mtn. suite first stands facing one way, showing only its butt to the camera. Then it walks all the way across the room to the other side, standing just so that you can only see its butt. Then it walks back again to the original side, standing just so that you can only see its butt. Does it do this all day? I move on to the next suite, where there's a Rottweiler or something, standing under the camera the same way in reverse: so that you can only see the FRONT part of it's body, not its butt. But it's playing statue and does not walk across the room in reverse, which would complete the entertainment portion of my day. I'm easily entertained.

But the candy corn has to be the kind that has brown on the bottom, not yellow.

After reading Jenica's blog I rethought my plans for blog entry. I was thinking of revealing my darkness, the thoughts of my psychiatrist this morning, our plans for my immediate future. But now I'll keep that to myself--I can solve my problems, I have his help and support, and it's a project that he and I are working on together. I said I don't really care about anything anymore. There was only a brief while that I cared that I survived my accident, the rest of the time it didn't really matter to me. He said that one of my reasons for living had died, one of the sources of great joy in my life was gone. That's certainly true. Other people have spouses, children, etc., which give them reasons to keep on going. I have a sibling I adore, a mother I'm devoted to, nieces and a nephew I love dearly, sister and brother in law I treasure, and lots and lots of dedicated friends. But I have no one to devote my life to, no one to throw myself in front of a truck for. Henry wasn't that person for me (thank goodness, I hear you all saying), but he was an integral part of the conglomerate that makes up my reason for living. So now I'm on the plateau of blandness that is my life for now. I don't care about much. Sure, I love autumn, the leaves are turning and the trees are starting to be very pretty. I'm trying to see the beauty. I had a lovely time sitting on the dock with my dogs, laughing at the chair and its contents slowly sinking into the water. I can laugh at things, but my humor isn't what it used to be. Dr. Rubin says this is probably temporary. WELL LET'S HOPE SO--I used to be a very funny person! I'd hate to not be her again. I miss me.

So in spite of my weak attempt NOT to repeat Jenica's blog, there I went, being dark. Oops. Well, I spent an hour probing my psyche, what do you expect? It was interesting to hear my psychiatrist describe what I'm usually like, though, I loved that. He said there is usually a spark in me, an ability to find humor in all situations and to laugh, but that is missing right now. We're teetering on the brink of a major depression, but we have ways to avoid it, not to worry. So I went to the drug store to get my thyroid medicine and my cholesterol medicine, and there was candy corn. My version of Jenica's circus peanuts, it turns out. I bought a bag of candy corn, a can of mixed nuts (thank you Molly) and a can of Starbucks' double shot espresso. And back to work I went, to work at breakneck speed doing the work of all 3 people in my department, since one clerk is on vacation and the other is out today because her aunt died. Zippity do did I ever unpack and check in those 12 boxes of books.

And the car saga continues. For those of you who missed it, the dealer did indeed deliver my new car on Friday, as promised, but it was not the color I ordered. Whether this was intentional, or an accident (as claimed), we'll never know. I looked at the car for 2 hours (after sending the drivers back to NH, too late to take the car with them), trying to decided if I could stand the baby-shit brown interior. The exterior was a champagne color, really quite nice, that I would have liked ultimately, but I could NOT stand the interior. So I called the dealer and said I didn't want the car. They offered me $200 to keep it. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. Fie! I said. Not enough to make me keep that car. So I left it at a friend's house in Plattsburgh and they picked it up on Saturday. They are looking for the right color (Magnesium--a dark metallic gray, with gray interior, which does NOT show every single paw print) and are delivering a loaner car to me today. The drivers left NH at 8:15 this morning, it's now nearly 1 and they have not covered the 150 miles to get here yet. Give me a break. I have no idea what they'll "lend" me but I have to turn in the Prius today. Oops, wait, they just got here, with a 2004 Accord LX, navy blue. Wow, they must really feel bad. I called the head sales guy up yesterday and yelled at him because no one called me from Friday to Tuesday to tell me what was going on. So this is their way of soothing me. Expensive cars always make people feel better, apparently. This one costs $20,000. Big whoop.

Tonight I'm having dinner out for the 3rd night in a row, the 6th time in 8 days. I love all these people, and each night is a treat, visiting with them (not to mention the food), but I do need to get on with my life. Tonight is people renting the camp below my house, she's a little older than I am and he's quite a bit older. Ken will be there, Bill will, and another friend whose husband died this winter. I haven't seen her if a few weeks so that will be nice. Last night I ate with the cousins. Cousin John, after who knows how many glasses of vodka, while we were watching the news on the hostage-killing in Russia said (oh-so-wisely) "Saddam used to do that all the time when he was in power." To which his son said, "He didn't just go into schools and kill people." I kept my mouth shut, but it seemed there was a glimmer of hope that maybe son Johnny is not a staunch Bush supporter after all. Or maybe I'm dreaming. But I mean really: how do you get from Checynian terrorists to Saddam Hussein? And how did John get to be on a first-name basis with him, anyway? What's up with that? So then we watched Jeopardy, always fun to do with your relatives, and cruised on into Last Comic Standing, during which I went home. They're nice people, aside from John's insistence on making grandiose asshole statements about what should be done with camp. And dinner was very good.

And now I must dive into the world of collection development, since I'm doing a workshop on Monday for our member library directors and staff on adult collection development. No, that's not developing adults, it's developing adult collections in small public libraries with no real book budgets. And I have to explain to them why you DON'T keep every single book and video that someone hands you as a donation. They won't like that concept at all. Someone else is doing the part on development and maintenance of juvenile collections. I only have to kill an hour, then we'll do a joint portion. I've done this so many times in the last 20 years I just have to pull my thoughts together, make up some acronyms they can remember, and off I go. But the director decided she wants to get involved in it (WHAT?) so I have to at least have some notes and something to hand out, and an outline by tomorrow, when she wants to meet with us. Rats.

So when I did spell check of this, it wanted to correct "Jenica's" to "geniuses." That seems appropriate, don't you think?

It's a charmed life, and I can't complain. I'm back at work, not minding particularly (although it's time for me to start cataloging, and we all know that will lead to moans and groans, both from my body and my mind). I had a nice weekend, 3 days off to separate myself from Plattsburgh and reality. Friday night I had a late dinner with a favorite cousin, one who has been so nice to me over the past 9 years (NINE years!) since my ex-husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. Bill, the cousin, has been a wonderful friend, source of support, lots of fun, and is really a nice, nice person. And when my brother died he was crushed, because he really admired my brother and it's been really hard for him to accept this loss but he's been so nice to me about it all. Anyway, Bill has a great, new wife and the cutest, happiest 2-year-old son in the family. So I had dinner with them at their camp and we had a nice visit. I got home sober and early, a nice change for me. I spent the night in the boat house, woke up to a disappointing morning but spent a long time lying in bed staring at the lake and the mountains anyway. Finally had to succumb to my full bladder and face the cousins in camp (in the kitchen: this will give you a clue as to who exactly was in camp). Saturday was supposed to be sunny and warm but was cloudy and cold instead, so I rebelled by staying in my living room and watching TV and doing nothing. I watched Richard Gere and Julia Roberts (Runaway Bride). Ken stopped by and agreed that it was a lousy day. Saturday night I went to Linda's for what was touted as a gourmet dinner. I had 4 invitations for dinner that night but had committed to Linda's, and was looking forward to this one too. We had 4 courses, with at least one bottle of wine for each course. There were 5 of us and I swear we drank at least 7 bottles of wine. It was fun to be with these people--they were friends of Linda's whom she had traveled in Europe with , renting villas in Tuscany one year and Provence another. They are great, lovely, funny, sweet and great company. They all really like each other and are very witty so I really enjoyed myself (not REALLY in the alcoholic sense, though I thoroughly enjoyed the wine). Dinner was also very, very good. Erdvilas was not so good. He does not like it when someone else gets attention, especially Linda's attention.

Sunday was sunny, though hazy, and I got up early enough to clean the living room and clear off the dinner table (miracle of miracles). Bill was gone for the weekend so I cooked Sunday dinner for Ken. I was all set to cook him massive quantities of shrimp, which were frozen and defrosting on the top of the stove while I took my shower. When I came down to check on their progress the bag was missing...gone and empty on the floor. Yes, my sweet Jackson, you are nothing if not resourceful. He ate at least a pound of shrimp, shells and all, and when I screamed "SHIT SHIT SHIT" at him he merely hung his head, put his ears back and wagged the tip of his tail. You can't really be angry at a 12 year old piece of shit dog you adopted, now can you? Anyway, luckily I had swordfish I'd inherited from the rich campers who wanted their freezer cleaned out by Ken, so I defrosted that and cooked it for him. He was happy enough. We had a nice, if subdued meal, which we ate in record time since we both, apparently, wanted to be doing other things. He was gone by 1:15, leaving me with plenty of time to head to camp to sit on the dock.

Just as I arrived at camp, so did a boatful of cousins and their kids. Bill and his wife Connie, their son Nicholas, plus Bill's sister's 3 kids all arrived to swim on our side of the lake. Just after that Bill's parents, brother (whom I haven't seen this year and like very much), sister and her husband all arrived. OK, too many people, but they're nice people. The other people left that morning. Johnny and Anne, brother and sister, set up folding chairs on the dock and looked just like their grandparents, sitting there surveying the world. Pretty funny. I had enough dock time with my dogs, then took a long nap in the boat house. Lucky girl, aren't I?

That night I went to Hot Dog Man for ice cream with Fred--the last night of the season, it closed the next day.

Yesterday was sunny and hot--YESYESYES. I got up early, sat on my deck and read for a while. The brown girls disappeared for three long hours, climbing the bluffs goodness knows how many times with goodness knows how many people. Lin came and we walked down to camp for a minute to retrieve her stuff from our book group gathering. She left and I went to the bog to get my dogs ("Do you own them?" people always ask me this, presumably because the dogs are not particularly happy to see me when I call them over to me. Yes, I do. "They're really nice dogs." Yes, they're very sociable.). So I took the brown girls to camp and we sat on the dock in the sun for a couple of hours. It was nice but a bit windy--rats! I missed the glassy morning, waiting for the dogs to return. I went for a swim, yes a swim. As I was standing in the water, the exhausted Tess (she and Chances were totally wiped out, leading me to believe they went to the top of the bluffs at least twice) crawled under my lounge chair, then stood up, knocking the chair and it's contents--my book, glasses, towel, shirt, soda, etc.--into the water. I watched the chair float while the book and everything else sort of sank. HONESTLY! THESE DOGS! Fortunately it was my book, not the library's, and only the edges got wet. It was The amazing adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which I'd just started reading again, having finished The mysteries of Pittsburgh that morning. I liked Pittsburgh very much. Anyway, again, I can't complain about my dogs, I encourage them to be goofy and idiosyncratic. She likes to lie under furniture and I don't keep her from doing it--it's just a strange thing to do on the dock, and really, she should know that you can't stand up under a chair.

Last night I went to dinner with Bill at some campers'--they're from California, small town in the Bay Area. Didn't know there were small towns in the Bay Area. Anyway, he's a children's author, she's a children's therapist. They're really nice and interesting and we had a very nice evening. I don't know them terribly well so it was fun to be with new people. Expanding the social circle. They met at camp as children, have been married a long time. Her brother owns the camp, it's just down the hill from my house. I've spent time with him before but have only dined with her one other time. Jackson adores them, visits their camp when he can. They think he should be their camp dog when they're in camp. I agree, offered to have him stay there any time. Let him eat THEIR shrimp.

And that brings me to the present. Got to work at 7:30, called my mother and had a nice talk with her. She wants to go to bed for 2 months and do nothing. It's hard to have nothing happen to you in the fall, after being a teacher for so many years. That plus having your wonderful son die is enough to send you to bed for a long time. I do feel lucky to have a job in the first place, but I also feel lucky because it gives my life focus and structure, helps me know what to expect from the day. That's very useful in the grieving process, I've found.

Later this week we're supposed to have Hurricane Frances visit us. Maybe 2" of rain. The reason we had such a wet and lousy (weather-wise) summer was that the jet stream got stalled, I heard this morning. They have to blame it on something. Tonight I'm having dinner with the cousins across the lake. What can I blame that on? Good manners, thank you mother.

It was 36 this morning--guess autumn is here at last. Very pretty morning but man is that cold. Jackson has taken off the last two mornings and will spend today again wandering the neighborhood. The weather is beautiful, sunny and clear, so who can blame him. He doesn't seem to get into much trouble.

My new car is supposed to be coming tomorrow. They'll deliver it to work. It's all pretty complicated, and yet simple. I'll sign all the paperwork when they deliver it, the salesman is setting up all the insurance stuff today, I think. I'll give them a check for the down payment,using the money I'll be getting from the insurance company (which I haven't received yet) and they'll hold the check until I tell them it's ok to cash it. Games, games games. I'm looking forward to having the whole thing settled. I enjoy driving the Toyota, but it does cost $2.50 a day, and I do need to get on with things. I want my own car.

Dinner last night with the Holts and some friends of theirs plus Ken. Friends of Annie's from medical school and their 2 kids. Their 15-year old daughter was hysterically funny, an anarchist who loves to argue about morality and the immorality of government, the uselessness of everything. She wants to live in a society that's based on morals--you know, like an Islamic nation. I tried, stupidly, to convince her that it would be hell for her as a woman, but she's 15 and reminded me of me at that age. The 2 kids go to a Friends school so have a unique outlook and education. She wanted to know what I like to read--she reads early Greeks, Spanish poetry in Spanish, plays, pretty much nothing published since around 1800. Needless to say we didn't have much literary discussion. Oh yeah, she has read Jorge Luis Borges. my god. The son sat next to Rush and looked at him the way Jackson looks at me when I eat food, just short of drooling. The kid adores Rush and hung on his every word. It was cute but even Rush got tired of it. "Rush, what do you think of.... Rush, what about.... Rush, do you know about..." All night long. Anyway we did have a nice evening. They're getting ready to start work on their garage, which is phase one of the building of their year-round house there.

I met with my union lawyer yesterday morning. This is action on my grievance against my director. My hearing is the 21st, so it's finally coming to pass. The lawyer is really good, I was impressed. He asked questions, got background, listened to my version of what happened, and really seemed to understand me. Told me what to mention, how to enhance my story, what we would be trying to do, and what might happen as a result of the arbitrator's decision. Basically we can't lose--she wrote a letter of reprimand without due process. Only an arbitrator has the authority to approve that. The arbitrator will either tell her she has to start all over again, or, maybe after determining that the letter she's written has no merit, turn the hearing into a hearing on the case itself. There won't be any disciplinary action as a result, just a letter in my file at worst, and the letter she has now has stuff in it that she has no proof of, just wandering accusations. He's going to subpoena Julie because there's one paragraph where she accuses me of trying to undermine the assessment process we were working on at the time by talking to Julie a lot and calling her on the phone. Julie will deny this, since it's not true. The letter is just a rambling bunch of crud.

Got a phone message last night from "Kathy." Want to join us for dinner? Took me a while to figure out it was Kathy Perry and that they are in camp. So much for my plans for having a quiet weekend in camp by myself. Surprise! Friday night I'm having dinner across the lake with Bill and Connie. Saturday I guess I'm going to the Holt's. Linda wants me to have dinner with her one night while her friends the gourmet cooks are there this weekend. eat eat eat. Not a way to lose weight.

Now on to catalog books for Willsboro. We were supposed to do a workshop of collection development on Tuesday but no one signed up to come so it's been postponed . YES! This means I might be able to go back to the chiropractor after all. I'm trying to go every week. I have muscle spasms that he's working on, plus other stuff. It's coming along. I also have to do a big adult book order today and tomorrow. Haven't been keeping up on that, am sort of out of the loop on what's hot these days. Get with it, lady!

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by

It all comes back to me now
After a nice, healing weekend of doing nothing much but sleeping, I had a bit of a mental setback on the way to work this morning. Reality check about my accident. It suddenly occurred to me that yes, really bad things could have happened to me. I could have died. So I start to cry. And though I've been saying and thinking that it was fortunate there wasn't a telephone pole or the river or a tree next to where I went off the road, now I'm really concentrating on that, and I know I want to live, I don't want to die. Lucky thing, huh. I don't confront danger seriously, and I don't worry about myself--Molly's blog reminded me of that. What's the point in worrying about yourself? This is truly convoluted: you SHOULD worry about yourself, it's the only thing you really have control over. I haven't been afraid to drive since my accident, but I have relieved the whole thing, remembered what it was like to roll over, the vision of the ground coming up on the left side and everything in the car flying all over the place. I don't remember being upside down, but that was a fraction of a second, then I was right-side up with a WHAM! So today I cried about something that was not the death of my brother--for the first time since April, so that was sort of refreshing. And I know how strongly I feel about surviving, which I did know before, but it's always good to affirm these things.

For those of us who travel a lot, our cars are like houses on wheels. I cleaned out the Prius over the weekend--it's not my home, just an apartment I'm renting. I had started to move in, and I don't want to do that. Plus, now that I know that things can become projectiles, I'm even more careful about what's in the car. Removed the bottles of wine I bought for Sunday dinner. Removed the wire dog cage I had in the back. But I like this apartment, it's got wall-to-wall carpeting, big screen TV, central air conditioning, electric heat and a good sound system.

I had a nice weekend, if you call recuperating a nice thing. I slept a lot, but Saturday night I went to the boat house and sat on the porch in candlelight, doing crossword puzzles for a long time, sipping Jenica's tequila. That was really nice. Sunday night I did the same thing, but I read Mysteries of Pittsburgh instead. It was ungodly hot and humid all weekend. Sunday morning the brown girls and I hung out on the dock in the semi-sun, enjoying ourselves immensely. In the afternoon I was home for a bit and it was 80 outside and 80 inside. Then it rained and after 2 hours the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. Amazing. The lake is a lot quieter now, not as many people there and it seems that almost everyone who has a jet-ski has gone home. yahoo!

And now I'm back at work, just got a call from the car salesman wanting to know if the deal is still on and what's up. Yes, it's still on, I'm waiting for the insurance company to send money (call home, send money). Let's get this thing going, shall we?

Friday afternoon and I'm tired. I've been answering the phone at home and at work all week. Well, at home it's mostly voice mail messages that I don't really answer. So much concern! At times like this I really am reminded that I have a lot of good people who know me and care about me. Calls last night from friends I've had here for many years. Calls today from member library directors who wanted to make sure I'm ok. Same thing yesterday. What nice people.

Book group met last night, all agreed we really did NOT like the book, sappy sweet romance, totally unrealistic. That's not why they didn't like it, but I realized that I don't like unrealistic books. You'd think that would mean I would read non-fiction, but no, I still prefer fiction. Next book is Michael Chabon's Mysteries of Pittsburgh. Turns out only the Lake Placid Library owns it, eveyone else either never bought it or threw it away. oops. Guess I'll have to buy it. We had a nice time last night, spent a lot of time talking about relationships, marriage, priorities. Sitting on the boat house porch in the evening, watching the moon rise as it got dark and we visited by candlelight. What a great place that really is. And what nice people are in that group. We really have fun together and I just love being part of a group like that.

Today I was late for work because all three dogs decided to check out the neighborhood for 45 min. or so. Ratful dogs. Tess came home with a huge wild apple in her mouth. Apparently Chances thought it was ok for her to carry it home, but she took it away from her in the living room and promptly ate it. slurp slurp.

I find myself feeling very sad as I drive these days. I wish I could tell my brother about my accident, and I wish he could comfort and console me. I'm not afraid to drive, but I'm very sad about it all. I bought a new car yesterday but am not at all excited. I think this is my 7th new car, maybe my 8th. I played 3 dealers off each other and settled for one in NH, never met the salesman only talked to him on the phone. They'll deliver the car on a flatbed, waiving the delivery charge (that was the dealbreaker, I told him). I have to do nothing, not even go to DMV to register it. I did the financing online and over the phone. They don't even have my signature yet. My insurance company is getting the title to my car in the mail, will cut a check to Honda Finance and give me the difference between the value of the car and what I owe (yes, I owe less than it's worth, a rare situation in my life). When it's all straightened out, hopefully mid-week, I can get my new car and get on with my life.

I'm still sore but am improving. I went to the chiropractor on Tuesday, have another appointment on Tuesday. He cracked my neck and I swore in surprise. Must learn to control that. Worked on my pressure points, told me I have problems with sacro-iliac (no shit--I can't sit comfortably for more than 1/2 an hour), my neck, shoulder and of course my carpal tunnel. Let's see what he can do.

It's supposed to rain all weekend. I can watch Bend it Like Beckham, Matchstick Men, The Triplets of Bellville (a friend told me the other night that Jackson is just like the dog in that one so I have to check it out). I should read and, god help me, straighten my house a bit. I can't mow my lawn if it rains.

You are the Aqua Marine Mermaid. You are pure and
brave. Strong and True. Your best freind is
your seahorse, your steed. You have fought many
battles in your own life and in the sea. No
matter what challenge you overcome it.
Congratulations there are very few of you.
Would you rate my quiz for I am brave too?

What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by



Of course it's no surprise that my best friend is my steed, and my steed is a seahorse. We had seahorses when we were kids, my sister and I. If we couldn't have real horses, my father thought we should try them instead. He was cute in that way.

Um...Dorian Gray? What the fuck is that? I guess I'll have to read that. And what, exactly is a dandy? It figures that I'd be something that a) no one has read and b) doesn't sound anything like me or anything about me. But oh well.

Since the article about my accident was in the paper my phone rang like crazy last night. I was out, went to dinner with great friends, plus Bill and Ken. I stopped by Ken's house on my way home and at last he was there. Unfortunately he heard of my accident from someone else before I had a chance to tell him--I hated for that to happen, seemed so unfair. Anyway, we had a drink together, I told him all the details, then said he knew more about it than anyone else. He took my face in his hands, kissed me on the lips and told me how much I mean to him. I felt better but still felt I had betrayed him by not making more of an effort to get in touch with him on Mond. or Tues. Oh well. Lin called me at the camp where I was having dinner--Jamie had called her to see how I was. Not knowing it would be in the paper, I hadn't told her about it yet. She was really worried (the paper said I complained of head pain--don't we all). He also called his parents, who called my mother. Since I hadn't told her the car rolled all the way over, she got upset. I called her at 7 this morning and reassured her. I said I was really lucky and that the car held up well. She said that SHE was really lucky. I can't disagree with that. We're all lucky, aren't we. This whole thing has been scary, sobering, emotional and I guess really awful for me, sinking in slowly. I got a call from (get this, Molly) Ricky Santor, voice from the past--daughter of the man who used to care for our grandfather. She wanted me to know that she has an extra bedroom and if I needed to move in with her she would take care of me. Now THAT is a nice person making a nice offer. We talk once every 2 or 3 years. I went to her mother's funeral a couple of years ago and see her in the grocery store every now and then. It was really sweet of her to call and we talked a long time. So today I feel lousy, am very sore and can barely turn my head. But the hunt for the perfect car at the perfect price continues. I have a lead on yet another dealer, a mega-dealer in New Hampshire that delivers cars to your doorstep and reputedly has prices that can't be beat. I have to call them today.

Jackson is on the prowl again. I heard reports from people last night that he showed up at a dinner party at the camp down the hill. They have a long porch and they were merrily eating dinner when they heard CLUMP, CLUMP, CLUMP as he mounted the stairs, then CLIP, CLIP, CLIP as the trotted across the porch, then his face appeared in the doorway. He'd been to the camp a couple of weeks ago when this woman's sister was staying there, scaring her 16 year old son as he scavenged outside the window at midnight, making Tom think he was a bear. My friend was one of the dinner guests and knew Jackson, so his presence was explained. Ah, the neighborhood dogs. He took off last night at midnight again, so I'm sure he went back down there. He's certainly cheerful these days, now that there are more people at the foot of the hill. New people come in to Ken's camp this weekend, can't wait till they meet him. They're very nice people, I've known them for several years but they've yet to meet Jackson.

Still warm but a bit hazy today. Humid. Where was this weather when my family was here? Today and tomorrow are due to be in the 80's. Of course Saturday it's supposed to rain. Linda and Erdvilas come on Saturday (time to put my drinking hat on). That will keep me entertained for the next two weeks. It's pug time!

Oscar Wilde: The Portrait of Dorian Gray. You are a
horror novel from the world of dandies, rich
pretty boys, art and aesthetics, and
intellectual debates between ethical people and
decadent pleasure-seekers. You value beauty and
pleasure but realize their dangers, as well.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by

So it's 3 in the afternoon and so far today I've been a busy girl. I found out I'm really 5'2", not 5'1". YAHOO! This is unbelievably cool for me. When you're this short every inch counts. I also got weighed and was extremely disappointed--too disappointed to report on that. I've gained weight this summer and must make a concerted effort to lose weight in the coming weeks. After that I had a bone density test done. They run a machine over your pelvis, back & forth about 50 times, then they do the same to your left hip. This is my baseline. There's evidence that use of Depo Provera contributes to a loss of bone density, and I used DP for treatment of endometriosis for nearly 2 years in 1982, but maybe that will prove to be inconsequential. I eat a lot of calcium pills every day so I'm thinking my bones are just fine.

After the bone thing I went to the Honda dealer in Burlington (since I was in B'ton already). Talked to the salesman who sold me my 1995 Civic (as opposed to the one who sold my my '02 Civic, who's been sending me cards and notes ever since, but whom I never really liked. Now Jay, Mr. 1995, I LIKE him, he's young and cute). Don't have to test drive the car because it's essentially the same vehicle as my other one. He gave me a good price. I said I'd think about it.

Came back to Plattsburgh, went to the Auto Barn to retrieve contents of trunk of my car. Met up with insurance adjustor there. He reported that they're totalling my car. There are tufts of grass and mud sticking out of the roof of my car. It is very depressing to look at it, even more depressing to clean it out. He advises me to "remove all personal contents of the car" as they will be moving it to a non-storage facility on Friday. This means, presumably, it will be crushed. The frame has been bent and it cannot be saved. I take out all I want from it, leave the facility in tears. My brother died, I wrecked my car. I feel little emotion these days. One therapist I had told me that people in the mental health field view all single occupant accidents as potential suicides. Mine was NOT, really NOT an attempted suicide. Rather, it was sloppy driving due to inattentiveness. I looked away from the road and looked back to discover my right tires were on the gravel shoulder. Slammed on the brakes and did a 180, then rolled over (but only once, I believe). Anyway, that car is history.

Went to the Honda dealer in Plattsburgh, played the game of "The Automaster gave me this price, what can you do?" Well, we certainly don't want you buying your car from them. They quoted me a price that's $50 higher. What the fuck is that about? So then I said I didn't like the tires that come with the car and I want Hakapalitas, what kind of deal can they give me on those? "Nothing is free," she laughs. Screw you, I want to say. I get a discount of $40 per tire, plus some other nebulous deal. And a lecture on what they must do with the tires that come with the car, which I tune out completely. I do not want to buy a car from this woman, but I will if it works out. I like Jay better, he's much more professional and sells BMW's, Land Rovers and Mercedes Benz's as well. He gave me no crap about maybe he couldn't get me the color I wanted (Magnesium). She said it might be hard to get the color I wanted, until I told her about The Automaster. Then all of a sudden it wasn't so hard to find one.

Now I'm at work, eating up the end of the day by blogging. The union strife is on fire but I missed most of it this morning. Board agrees (apparently) to our approval of their proposal (did they forget that it was THEIR proposal?). Details to follow. This does not really satisfy the members. I'm sick of it all, glad I wasn't here this morning when everyone was tooling around the building like pull-toys on wheels.

It's a beautiful day. I played with the touch-screen computer in my rented Toy Car all the way to Burlington and back. I now know how to program the radio stations (you can put stations in different categories and run through screen after screen of category--Inform, R & B, Jazz, Rock, etc. If only we had 6 stations in each category, which is the number you can pre-program) and am very good at setting the temperature, volume and changing tracks on CD's from the steering wheel. Starting it is tricky, there's a lag while the battery decides what is the ideal time to charge enough to turn over the engine. I can't imagine that this battery would function at -30 degrees, but this car is a lot of fun.

Encounter number 2 with kind, cute young guy came yesterday at the car rental place. I went to pick up my chaeap but not cheapest car and it wasn't there, so the guy, feeling sorry for me for what I'd been through ("If I'd just rolled my car a few hours ago I sure wouldn't be in as good shape as you are right now"), decided to give me a free upgrade and gave me a 2004 Toyota Prius. It's a hybrid, half electric and half gasoline engine. What a great toy. It looks really wierd and thus is hard to find, waiting list of several months to buy one. It's a 4-door, has plenty of room. Has a small screen on the dash, like Kristen's car, but this one has a number of displayable screens. What displays most of the time is an energy monitor, so you can tell which source of energy is being use and when the battery is being charged. The engine is so quiet you can't tell if it's running or not, and when it idles it's noiseless, running off the battery. To start it you push a button on the dashboard. The key is a 1 X 2 inch rectangle, inserted into the dash, the gearshift a knob on the dashboard. You have 3 choices, Drive, Reverse (which makes the car beep like a construction vehicle the entire time it's in reverse) and "B", which which I am not yet familiar. Park is a button on the dashboard. The display on the dash is about 1.5" high, just below the windshield, and everything is digital. On the steering column are buttons to set the temperature of the interior, a button to select the track of the CD player, volume controls of the stereo and a button for the air-conditioner. This car is way cool and if I could have 2 cars this would be one of them. It wouldn't be good for winter, though, because you couldn't rock it when it got stuck in the snow, as it inevitably would when I drove it in my driveway. Plus I think they cost at least $23,000. Out of my range. The power of this machine is most impressive and the soundlessness of it mind-boggling. It drives like a dream. So my accident wasn't all bad.

I went to see my car last night, to collect my goods. There were Diet Coke cans all over the back seat and floor. They were projectiles, having come loose from the 2 cartons they were in. Why wasn't I hit in the head with one? Dumb luck. Most of them were empty. Lots of my CD's were broken. Why wasn't I cut with one of them, projectiles that they became? Dumb luck. Ken's boots were fine, and are now ready for me to mail to LL Bean. The change I had collected in my cup holders was scattered all over the car. My long-lost ATM card had been deposited neatly in the door, along with my prescription sunglasses, whew! The car looks horrible and the body shop guy has declared it totalled. If the adjuster agrees I have to buy a new car. Then I'll have to decided whether to buy a new car or talk to cousin Cameron about getting a late model car with low mileage. Either way it will cost me money I do not have. But, as everyone (EVERYONE) has told me: I'm lucky. Now, really, folks, if I were lucky I'd be driving a 2002 silver Honda Civic in need of an oil change with Hakapalita tires on it.

So I'm sore today but not as sore as I expected to be. Have been shovelling Motrin 800's into my mouth as often as I can. Went to the chiropractor for scheduled appointment this morning. He cracked my neck, told me my sacro-iliac joints are messed up (yes, I knew that), I have carpal tunnel (yes, I knew that) and that my shoulders are tight (yes, I knew that) but that he'll be happy to help me with all of these things. It's the sacro-iliac I'm looking forward to fixing, and the neck problem I have when I'm at work. I can't sit comfortably for more than 1/2 an hour, which makes the drive to RI really nasty. He can make that better. My neck already feels better, so maybe I can catalog something boring this afternoon.

Sunny and warm this afternoon, as it's supposed to be all week. I'm really only interested in what it's supposed to be like Saturday (80 and sunny). And I really hate to look forward to the future like that, makes me feel as if I'm wishing my life away. I had the best night last night, totally validated my favorite way of spending an evening: encased in a comforter on the couch with 2 dogs (the smallest one in a constant quest for the best position under the comforter, nudging me and the other dog to make room) while watching tv and doing crossword puzzle after crossword puzzle. It was curative. I need a wider couch, though, that one's not good for 2 dogs and a human. Chances refuses to budge an inch for Tess and Tess does not give up easily. Tonight I need to mow the lawn. Blech.

DECEMBER:Loyal and generous. [Sexy]. Patriotic. Active in [games] and interactions. Impatient and hasty. [Ambitious]. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. [Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention]. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. [Changing personality]. Not egoistic. [Take high pride in oneself]. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

I couldn't use the strike feature so I put all the ones that don't apply in brackets. Sure, I'm patriotic, but not like the Bush family. I love my country but not because it's America, I love it because of all it allows me to have and to be, and because of where I live--guess I love the countryside as much as anything else. And am I really logical? I really question that one. My influence in organizations is something I always marvel at, but people do what I suggest and follow my lead, consistently.

I had such a good, positive thing going on this morning. Got organized, ready for work, left early, making good time, zipping right along and WHAM! hit the gravel along the shoulder, lost control of the car, spun 180 degrees, rolled the car down an embankment and ended up in a ditch on someone's lawn. Squealing tires, rolling in slow motion, blown out windows, debris all over the place, seatbelt bruise, headache & goose egg, bruised collarbone, ambulance ride to emergency room--the whole bit. I don't know if the car is totalled, but this is truly not what I need to have happen in my life right now. I can't tell you how many people have told me how lucky I am so far today. Yes, I'm lucky I wasn't hurt, or killed ( you should see the car). But no, I'm not lucky this happened to me. I need my car and I can't afford to buy a new one. Now I have to get a rental car (the insurance company gives me $25 a day for a rental: know what that gets you? shit! that's what), go to where my car's been towed and collect the amazing amount of shit that was in it and was tumbled all over the place when it rolled. 48 cans of Diet Coke, Ken's LL Bean boots that I promised to mail to be repaired, my soy milk, my Hawkeye Conservationists papers to work on today, my ATM card that I just found this morning in the car, my CD's, which were strewn all over the lawn when they flew out the rear window after it was smashed. There's really something fundamentally depressing about looking at your car after you've been in an accident in it. Especially when the damage is this severe.

But my weekend was nice, let's focus on that! Yesterday was a perfect early fall day. 40 in the morning when I got up, but warm sun made a big difference. At noon I went down to camp to sun on the dock with the brown girls. They loved it, I loved it. The lake was glassy but there were a few inconsiderate boats wanting to come oh-so-close to the dock to check it out. I left in late afternoon to get ready for a night out with Ken and the girls decided to go up the bluffs with some very fat strangers (Sorry about my dogs--"Oh no, thank you for them, it was great to have them along." Well, they do that once in a while, just follow people up the trail. "We loved having them with us." OK. duh). Anyway, Ken and I went to Steinhoff's and had a really nice meal and great visit, using up the $50 gift certificate he got. He was tickled to go out and not have to pay for it and the restaurant was quiet enough that we could actually converse.

Saturday I spent with fellow lakers--Executive Board meeting in the morning, annual meeting in the afternoon. It poured in the morning but was sort of sunny in the afternoon. The tax assessor was our guest speaker and he really is a nice man who defends his job and decisions very well. The group was nice to him but did want some very specific answers. It went well but was, unfortunately a small group. Ken said he was glad he wasn't there because he would have picked a fight with him.

And now I'm at work, having spent 2 1/2 hours in the emergency room this morning and half ana hour on the phone with the insurance company, then more time catching up with email and trying to get myself to a point where I can actually concentrate on my job. And now I have to take time to get the rental car, then get out to the repair place to get to my car. But I have no one to blame but myself. The state trooper was an absolute dream and came to the hospital (to give me my ticket for Speed Not Reasonable and Prudent--since I put a digger in someone's lawn; if you damage someone's property you automatically get a ticket in this state), telling me that if this happens again, take my foot off the gas and DO NOT apply the brake. And of course telling me that I'm very lucky. But DO NOT apply the brake. Foot off gas, no brake. Yes officer. Good advice.

Ah, the end of the week. Hard to believe I've been back at work for only 5 days, it seems as if I never left. I've spent the week cataloging and weeding, both rewarding activities, if repetitious and a bit mundane. The weeding is a bit cheery: there's light at the end of the fiction tunnel, as I'm in the SCH's. The cataloging is not as cheery, as the demand keeps increasing and the material continues to amaze me. This week's batch wasn't so bad: children's books. Plenty of SpongeBob SquarePants stuff, which goes really quickly. Infinitely preferrable to old videos, especially when one considers that children will actually WANT to read these books.

I dreamed that Tom Cruise was hot for my body last night. Now what was THAT all about? I hadn't seen anything about Tom Cruise, nor had I seen him on any show or in any movie. Nor do I particularly fancy Tom Cruise. I love the human brain, especially when it's "at rest" (not that it ever rests). Anyway we were working in tandem to reach the top of some building (impossible heights) and he was carrying me up the wall. What, am I climbing the walls here? A metaphor? The past two days are the first of this week that I have felt remotely normal and relaxed, actually enjoying myself and feeling happy to be at home with my dogs. Yes, they need more than I give them right now, but they're loving and sweet and relatively content with our routine. Tess' bout with faux mange is a reaction to ragweed, according to the vet (did I already cover this?). She's taking Prednisone for a month. I rushed them all to the vet on Wednesday, carefully isolating Tess from others in the waiting room. Mange, for the unitiated, is a disgusting and highly contagious skin parasite that pets of spam-sucking trailer trash and wild animals get. My dogs had it once before, got it from a wild animal in the woods, apparently, since I am NOT SSTT. If it had been mange it would have meant a series of injections of an insecticide over a period of 9 weeks for all three dogs. Is this better or worse? A month of steroids for what will now become Super Dog, what may become an annual event (an will occur during each Summer Olympics, too). She's still scratching but not as much, I guess. Everyone here is suffering from sinus problems. The goldenrod is in full bloom and so, apparently is the ragweed. Personally I think people confuse the two.

This weekend the shoreowners' association meets at our camp. My cousins/former in-laws were kind and cleaned it in preparation (I'm the offical hostess, as I am the secretary and chairperson of the Hospitality Committee, and volunteered the site, as I do each August). What they found was mountains of garbage, a filthy living room and a dispan full of water and dirty dishes. The last people there just walked out and left it that way. What is wrong with people? What were they thinking? Anyway, my Saturday afternoon will be spent in the presence of other laker people, a group I enjoy being part of and am happy to count as my friends. It's supposed to rain, so at least I won't feel cheated out of a nice summer afternoon. And Sunday dinner is being postponed to an actual dinner hour, in the evening, so that Ken and I can use a gift certificate for a nice restaurant he was given for his 90th birthday celebration. He's eager to see if we can eat and drink up the whole $50 worth. I said the drinking part will be easy but eating that much will be harder for the two of us.

Today is warm and sunny, hard to be indoors where it's cold and flourescently lit. I turned on the small heater at my feet this morning--I'm just so tired of being cold all day in the air-conditioning that blows on my cubicle all day every day. The vent is just above my head, and since I'm stationary during much of the day, it really sucks. No, it blows.

I overheard some of the board's Executive Committee meeting with their attorney last night. What I heard was this: the union's behavior was REPREHENSIBLE. huh? Not sure what we did that was so bad, but am sure the attorney needed to justify her fees. We had written a letter to the board members directly, explaining our stand and our feelings, and this was referred to as a POISON PEN LETTER. again, huh? Just warming them up for my grievance hearing, which is coming up soon. I meet with my union attorney in two weeks, oh boy I can hardly wait.

I bought a small can of nuts this morning at the drug store when I went to pick up my prescription, thank you dear sister. "Just try buying a can like this the next time you're hungry and at a rest stop or convenience store--it's much better than junk food and fills you right up." Yes, older sisters are very helpful and wise. And I really enjoyed watching her pick up her can each night as we watched a movie, eating a nut or two until all that was left were the peanuts. They promise the can includes "not more than 50% peanuts." How do you suppose they measure that? Suppose they come across a bunch of peanuts that weigh less than the average? Then you get more.

Life is returning to normal for me, or as normal as I know how to make it in August. I'm back at work after two weeks off, I'm back at my house by myself with my dogs. We're into our routine where the girls wake before I do and sit up, staring at me until I make a movement indicating I'll be getting up soon, then Tess gets on the floor and peeks at me with her head wedged next to the bureau by the bed, staring and trying to lick my face. I still have to let them out one at a time. When I got back from Rhode Island, having separated Tess from Chances for a week, it took Tess about 15 minutes to take Chances off for a quick walk to bring her up to date on the events of the week. They came back soon enough, though, sufficiently bonded and pleased.

I had a really nice time in Rhode Island but it's a confusing thing, re-defining a family that was once a family of five and is now a family of 3. We're all working it out, and we love each other very much. More important, we truly enjoy each other's company and make each other laugh a lot--to me this is crucial. So we laughed a lot, and enjoyed the ocean and did some things together and just spent time with each other. It was good, settling into our new roles as a three-woman group. We had Champlin's lobster rolls at our beach picnic and watched, white-knuckled, as children "played" in the surf. We swam at Molly's (Cyclone) Beach, where Mark says spam-sucking trailer trash go. We sat in the sand and watched the surf and lazed in the hazy sun at the town beach, our perennial favorite. We had breakfast at Jim's Dock, sitting on a deck just above the water while admiring the new high-speed Block Island ferry and a huge pleasure boat, sipping coffee endlessly and enjoying being together outside. We went to Mystic Aquarium and were able to identify the kind of frogs that are visiting Liza's pond (green frogs) and watched the sea lion show, where Rider, Coco, Surfer and Tabor performed great tricks and feats. We counted the frogs in Liza's pond at least twice a day and conjectured endlessly what happened to the little one's left hind foot. We were stalked by a snorting buck every, every single night (thanks to Chances, he never made it to the house). I slept in my favorite place, the gazebo in the woods. We watched South Park the movie and laughed and laughed, Unca Fucker, and blamed it on Canada. Thanks to Molly I was reunited with Talking Heads, and listened to them all the way home, volume turned up loud loud loud, singing at the top of my lungs (sugar on my tongue). We looked at so many pictures of us three children as cute young kids, at my father's generation as not-so-cute teenagers, my grandparent's house, my father, other ancesters--an endless list of people and places. Then we went to Walmart and made many, many copies of pictures so that now Molly and I have lots of pictures of our past and our family's past. This is nice.

And now I'm here, picking up my life where I left off. I tried to organize a slumber party in the boat house this weekend, the kernel of which was planted last year, but two of the lead characters aren't able to do it now so I think the deal's off. Ken and I were reunited Monday night over whiskey and a really nice visit. He stopped by last night to make dinner plans but I can't do it. I think Tess has mange (yes, mange--the sort of thing dogs owned by spam-sucking trailer trash, SSTT, have) so I have to take all three to the vet tonight and spend a lot of money getting them injected with Ivemectrin to kill the parasites. They get this from foxes who rub against bushes that they then rub against. It happened once before. Anyway, Ken got a $50 gift certificate at a restaurant in Wilmington for his 90th birthday celebration 2 weeks ago, so we're going there for dinner Sunday night. We're both excited to do that--he thinks we'll spend the entire amount. I think that's his goal, to eat and drink it all up. We'll see. I'm glad because we're going there in the evening, and I won't be spending all afternoon at Sunday dinner. Bill can't come because school starts this weekend.

And Saturday the Conservationists are meeting at Sonci. I used to get really nervous about this but now it's more of a chore. I haven't met my obligations to this group as well as I should have (what else is new). I'm working on the newsletter but so slowly, writing articles that are remotely interesting.

I like Jenica's description of her trip to the eye doctor and I can totally relate. It's great to have your eyes checked. I hate going but go every year because I get a free exam and free pair of glasses too. This year they talked me into bifocals rather than the trifocals I really need, these to help me with my work at the computer. So now I can't see far away but can work more comfortably at my desk. I use last year's glasses, all scratched, for driving and watching tv. A drag. I made an appointment with a chiropractor for next week, after talking to a friend who's doing his internship in chiropractic school about my carpal tunnel and neck trouble. The next day I go to Burlington for a bone density test, whatever that entails. It seems my medical things are continual, appointment after appointment. Guess that's what happens when you hit 50.

I cry less these days, but I find myself crying at odd times, and crying hard. The thoughts that Molly evoked in her description of Henry's cabin made me cry. Picturing the cabin, the garden, the pond and environs, made me think of my brother and his frame of mind when he was there. He just loved being there and I really enjoyed seeing him there. He couldn't walk past the garden without bending over to pull something out, pick something, or just take a look--the same way our father did. I thought about my family for about half of my trip home from Rhode Island, crying and thinking, missing people and wondering why some people do things that they do. I'm fiercely protective of myself and don't want to be hurt by anyone anymore. I feel myself reacting to things people do and by attitudes that I perceive are directed toward me and I get upset. I try not to let these things bother me but I want to be clear and strong and understood by people in my family, and I don't always feel that happens. It's something I work on and I feel great pressure about--pressure that comes from myself, granted, but pressure nevertheless.

And so today it's cloudy and fairly warm, a good day to be at work. It rained a little this morning. Supposed to be 60 tonight so it'll be a good night to spend in the boat house. When I get home from the vet--which might be as late as 8:00, I'll head down there, I hope, and sit on the porch to read. Let's see who's in camp.

For the first time this summer I had the "Yeah, this is it" feeling, sitting on the dock yesterday with my dogs, reading a book in the sun. It was windy, not the perfect dock day, but it was nice, the waves lapping against the rocks. Tess likes sitting on my lap while I sit in my green telescope chair, which makes it hard to read, but I like having a dog who likes me that much. She also can see much better than Chances can, so she barks and barks at sailboats that are far away, then continues to bark at them as they get closer...and closer...and closer. Apparently she doesn't understand how they can move without making the noise that powerboats make.

I've been staying in the boat house, have camp to myself but don't use main camp at all and am enjoying it immensely. I use my house, the shower at camp, the porch of the boat house--all of it as much or as little as I want, with a schedule that I want. It's grand. I had a meeting of the Hawkeye Conservationists Sat. afternoon that was ok, only lasted 2 hours. Yesterday evening was Ken's big 90th birthday celebration, a huge party at Fred's camp. It should have been a big, happy occasion for me, but I was on shaky ground before I got there, having been embraced and consoled by a friend before going down there, thus reminded that my dear wonderful brother died. When I got there I was faced with more wonderful caring people who wanted me to know how sorry they were that my brother died, then Jim and Keela showed up, and somehow seeing Jim just really was too much for me. We hugged hard and I cried a lot. Poor Ken. He looked at me and said "You've been crying, haven't you." He hates it when I cry. I have great friends, though, who took great care of me there. Anyway, the party was nice and I think not EVERYONE noticed I was crying like a fool. After that I went home and napped before going to the boat house for the night. Stood in the moonlight for a long time talking to Elsa (she tried to talk me into going skinnydipping with her but it was cold, too cold for me even if the water is warm). The motor isn't working but she's working on getting it fixed before the meeting on Saturday. Not my problem, I haven't even used it yet. As Jenica points out, it's not MY boat, it's CAMP'S boat.

So today I'm working in the morning (if you can call this work) and going to Placid in the afternoon to pick up my new glasses, then home to do whatever I feel like doing. Planting the last of the geraniums in the cemetery on the way home. Sitting on the dock if I want to. Then I have 2 weeks off. All I have to do is solve some union problems next week before I go to Rhode Island, put out a few fires hopefully. But my sister is coming this week and I get to be with her for a while, and Anna as well. And I'll get to see the Eldreds, probably my favorite cousins. They are really wonderful people and Cam is so caring and warm. Hopefully they'll spend the night.

The dogs have NOT been behaving well. They had a brief spell of being good but the other day they were delivered to me in a van by someone who was trying to drive down the road but couldn't because the dogs wouldn't move from in front of the van. Honestly! Yesterday the girls disappeared for 1.5 hours from the house and camp home soaking wet. Saturday they disappeared and Elsa discovered Tess playing with a Great Pyranees being walked down the road on a leash. It never ends. Jackson has been staying at the house by himself and seems quite happy with the arrangement. I love having 2 dogs with me and not listening to his incessant barking because he's not happy with what's going on or he IS happy with what's going on. It's a good arrangement.