Most polite request

I didn't get tagged, I was politely asked if I want to play. If I were tagged it would be like this:

If tagged, and you accept, these are the rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Since I don't know 8 people who blog--except for the people I'm sure have already been tagged, I'll admit to breaking 2 rules before I start. That pretty much makes this a post that describes 8 random facts about myself. As if I haven't done that over & over. But here goes:

1. I live where I should live. It's not that I believe in fate (though I think I put a fair share of faith in it's force) but my home in Hawkeye is the perfect place for me, and it's more or less where I always hoped I would end up. I'm not sure I thought I'd live there by myself, but I think that's the perfect state for me. People think it's some sort of magic or incredible source of strength that keeps me there, but really it's just my life. There's nothing particularly amazing about it. My sister takes public transportation all the time--to me, that's amazing and takes great strength. She shares a city with millions of people who speak a language that's not English. To me that's an incredible accomplishment. I struggle with mundane things that are all part of life in my neighborhood--we all do that, it's just a matter of what things we struggle with. I like the things I have to deal with. OK, maybe not so much an empty well or power outage at -20, but I can handle those with grace and aplomb (a plum?). Those are temporary facts of life.

2. I don't like asking for help. I always used to, especially from my husband and, at different times in my life from my mother. My mother just offered to send me money. Even $100 would have helped, but I'm not taking money from anyone. I hate to ask for help from people who offer, even. I've learned to pay people to help me--a plumber, someone to plow. I know that these things won't get done unless you find someone to pay, and in this area sometimes they're doing you a favor by serving you if you live at Silver Lake ("all the way out there?"). But my system works. People offer to help me all the time but I am uncomfortable accepting it. Sometimes, when I'm really stuck I'll ask. Like the times I get my car stuck in the snow and I can't wait for the AAA tow truck to come from Jay, I've called Ken and we've had fun pulling the car out. He likes to make fun of me and I like to offer him a way to pay me back for all the things I do for him. I've only ever had him rescue me twice a season, though--beyond that I'm on my own. Last year I spent a WHOLE lot of time shoveling my car out. It was miserable and I vowed not to spend another year like that. This year I spent $500 I didn't have on good snow tires. I didn't get stuck ever. I like solving my own problems--it's really important to me.

3. I've spent a lot of my life being sad. I was a sad little blonde girl and a sad teenager, but I found the sorts of friends who made me feel good in college. College was full of bad relationships and unrequited love as well. Anyway, once I figured out what was making me sad and addressed the issues, I discovered what it's like to be happy. A milestone in my life (no shit, Sherlock). Although I still get sad, I'm now a happy person.

4. I'm terribly disappointed in my country. Not the leaders--the citizens elected them, after all, so voters are responsible for giving them power. I'm upset that we're basically a racist society made up of greedy people. We want the best for ourselves (people pretend they want the best for their children, but of course they'll get to share the best, too) and we're willing to get it at the cost of the rights of other people, the environment, animals, you name it. I never liked the free enterprise system and my dislike for it has grown as I've aged. I have benefited from it, that's true, I can choose from so many different models of cars--but why do we need so many models in so many colors? Why am I so lucky because I'm white? Americans really don't like people whose culture is different, non-Christian, let's face it--non-American. I feel betrayed by my country, but I'm very patriotic anyway. I don't want to live in another country.

5. My greatest fear throughout my life was the fear of abandonment. Everyone feels that way, but mine was a phobia. We moved constantly when I was a child and I was convinced I would be left behind. One time my mother told me to go back to my bedroom to check the closet and make sure I hadn't left anything there. I wouldn't do it unless she went with me because I was sure it was a ploy to drive off without me. I can remember living in Turkey, being left with a maid who spoke no English while everyone else was off doing whatever it was they were doing (school, jobs), feeling completely alone and--you bet--abandoned. Maybe that's why I have dogs--they love you unconditionally and the only time they leave is when they die. Then you just get another one. Imagine how it was for me when my husband announced he didn't want to be with me anymore.

6. I always felt I wasn't good enough to be a member of my family. This is part of #5--they would leave me behind because I wasn't good enough to be with them. My family consists of intelligent, creative people--and I love them dearly. I used to aspire to be their equal, but then I gave up and settled for being funny and cute. I became part of a group of wonderful, giggly, FUN friends in high school (there are 18 of us who get together in various places every couple of years 40 years later). We did things like throw toilet paper in trees at each other's houses and play tackle football--this was the kind of good, clean fun girls had in Rockford, Illinois. My brother's friends were drinking, smoking and playing Vietcong, shooting each other with BB guns. I once read a letter my mother wrote to her mother that said Henry and Molly were doing well and she knew she'd never have to worry about me because I was cute. Duh. Stupid but cute, was how I read that one. My mother told me recently she had to separate me from my father to keep him from hitting me. Feel worthless, much? Anyway, we took IQ tests in school and mine was very high, a huge boost for my morale. I still didn't do well in school, but at least I knew I wasn't retarded.

7. I thought the greatest tragedy in my life was that I couldn't have children. Then my brother died.

8. I have no faith in relationships. I don't long for a relationship with a man. I've had my share and they haven't turned out well. My marriage was a good one in some ways (we had a lot of fun and I learned a whole lot about a whole lot of things--lots of practical information) and a bad one in some ways (no need to go into that). It was a revelation that a man who fell in love with me when he was 17 ended up not wanting to have a lifelong relationship with me. I'm sure the abandonment thing figures in here, although there have been times when I ended the relationship (one of which may have been the biggest mistake I ever made). Anyway, there are just too many bad or mediocre relationships causing hurt or dissatisfied or bored or miserable people who don't know how to end them. I'm afraid I will be one of those people, and my relationship with myself is a good one.

Looking these over I'm afraid there are too many negative things. Well, heck, all these years of introspection and self-examination have come up with discovery of sources of my problems. Now I'm learning what makes me happy--there are a whole lot of things, trust me. I just like looking at the things that made me unhappy because I've put lots of them behind me--my life is good, it's what I want it to be. Only with more money.