Back at work, after a long break. Had two very nice weeks off. Spent time here, at the lake and spent time in Rhode Island, in the Ocean State. Saw a LOT of people I'm related to. There were, apparently 40 people at camp the day of our annual meeting. 20 people staying at camp for a few days, then 17 for a few more days. Then we left. I drove to Rhode Island, back to the Adirondacks, to Burlington three times, back to Rhode Island, then home. I got to be with my sister for 2 solid weeks with pretty much enough time apart. I got to see my nieces, and got to spend days and days with my sister's daughter. I NEVER get to see her and I really enjoy being with her so I loved that. She is great. Jenica and I had our standard let's-be-librarians-together time, but we got to have Drew too, which made it even more fun. We all sat on the dock a whole lot, and stood in the water to read as well, since we had day after day of broiling hot weather. That weather, however, was nothing compared to what happened when we got to RI. It was in the 90's and terribly humid when we returned there on Thursday. Too hot to swim in the ocean, I think.

Anyway, it all made me happy to be part of my family, and it all made me think of my brother and miss him very much. I am thankful to have the family I have left and I love them very much. I did not go to the cemetery but my sister took a lot of digital pictures of his grave, other graves, my mother planting flowers, etc., so I feel very connected to it all and that makes me feel good. It made me feel sad to think of going there so I didn't want to go. Next year I will be stronger and will plant flowers on my brother's grave. This year I could not.

It was raining when I got home, and I was happy to see that but I feel really bad that there is no rain in Rhode Island. They are in desperate need of rain and I hate to see that. Drought is something that really frightens me. It was in the 60's last night, very cool and comfortable. Only in the 70's today here--what I consider to be NORMAL temperatures. Very pleasant.

I wrote my first review for Library Journal today and emailed it to them. I reviewed the book The Storm Gourmet: a guide to creating extraordinary meals without electricity. It's a good book, except it's clearly written for hurricane victims: at one point the author instructs the reader to pick up the tropical fruit that's fallen in the neighbor's yard. Lots of mangos and avocados in the recipes, but some useful stuff as well.

I also sorted through 348 emails, most of them spam and online newspapers. I read plots of the last 2 episodes of Six Feet Under, since I found out last night when I watched it that one of the main characters had died while I was gone. Only one more episode left in the whole show. Didn't realize I'd been watching it for 5 years.

Got my med. situation straightened out with my doctor. He'll give me samples to tide me over until my prescription can be filled on 9/9. Guess the pharmacy shorted me the whole bunch of pills I needed between now and then--2.5 pills a day. Disconcerting.

The day has been pretty quiet, all in all. Internet was down for most of the morning so I sorted through my paper work--journals, notices, bills that have come in while I was out. Read my review book. Contemplated my August schedule. Tomorrow I can start cataloging again and can put together a massive book order, since I'm way behind with that.

I looked at a bunch of pictures from Colorado--we've all posted our pictures on the same site, accessing our images via our own emails and passwords. I ordered some prints of other peoples' pictures, some nice group shots. They were pretty cheap, about 12 cents each.

And now I'll start reading book reviews. yawn.

The day before vacation is a combination of "I'll never get this all finished in time" and "I don't have enough to do to kill the rest of the afternoon." Right now I'm debating whether to start cataloging the notoriously boring and complicated holdings of Port Henry's library or to find something less strenuous to do, like read book reviews. I should be checking authority entries--EEEEEWWWWWWW. That is totally mind-numbing but crucial to the quality of the data base and I never do it often enough so it just builds into this hugundous task that takes hours and hours of doing. Not to be started this afternoon, I think.

My sister is in America and I feel much better. I have access to her. I could call her up right now if I wanted to. Well, probably not now, she's probably swimming at the Salty Brine State Beach in Galilee, Rhode Island. It's a nice beach, but there are a lot of people at that beach, my only complaint about it. The sand there is very fine and white. When I get to Rhode Island, probably on Sunday, I'll settle into whichever sleeping area I'm assigned to, try to get my dogs to settle down, and heave a sigh of relief. There is much between me and that moment. I have to clean my house because my family will be using it, my mother will be staying there next weekend. I have to be secretary at the Conservationists' meeting tomorrow afternoon. I will probably go to Sunday dinner with Bill and Ken before leaving for RI. I have to stack at LEAST 15 wheel barrow loads of firewood. I'm doing a minimum of 6 loads a night. So far so good. And of course I have to pack. That takes about 20 minutes, and I'm half done because I never completely put everything away from Colo. Bought new t-shirts so I have lots to wear. Just bought another pair of shoes in my search for the pair of perfect summer shoes. Nope, these are not the pair. Time to give up Got good flip-flops, though--so now I can go to the White House.

Weather broke here and it's been cold at night. Turned on my mattress pad to keep warm. Tess is torn between sleeping under the covers and on top. Under, over, under, over at least 4 times before settling down. The bed is totally unmade before the 3 of us go to sleep. I think it's funny and am getting used to sleeping in a complete tangle of sheets and comforter. Why do we have to have our beds neatly organized while we sleep? I have to take both dogs with me to RI, since I now only have 2 and cannot ask Lin to stay at my house for only one dog and cannot afford to board Tess for the number of days I will be gone. It is not particularly fun to have both dogs there, but Tess and my mother's dog really do enjoy being together. At least the human population density will be relatively low, only my sister and I will be there this time. At Easter and other times when it's just Mark, Liza and me it works out pretty well.

I'm looking forward to going to RI. Ocean sun, good seafood, family tradition time in my mother's house. The three women together--what's left of the immediate SR family. Then it's on to Silver Lake, where things change drastically. Many, many Rogers and it will be hard on my mother. She does not enjoy the weekend of the family meeting, there are too many people to suit her, and relationships are complicated. I try to protect her, and spend a lot of time listening to and soothing her. I visit with my cousins a bit, and would like to spend more time in the boat house with my sister and Jenica--I've never stayed in the boat house with my sister. Meeting weekend I always stay at my house to keep my mother company. Someday, maybe. This year I'd like it if my sister had some time in the boat house to herself so she could enjoy it the way I've been enjoying it. Well, hell--there's just not enough time and there are too many people, but that's life. I may sleep on the front porch of camp, if Liza stays in the boat house with Molly after the meeting weekend. That's a great place to sleep. It's a huge screened-in porch so it's like sleeping outside. A little bit of privacy, not much.

And now I have to take care of the interlibrary loan books that came in the mail this afternoon--both my clerks are out today so I have checked in about 150 books, processed 40 ILL requests, checked out books for Monday's delivery, and done a bit of cataloging (opera videos for Lake Placid--UGH!). Then I will print out crossword puzzles to take to RI with me.

I have to go to the credit union, the liquor store (bourbon to take to RI with me), the grocery store (Diet Coke to have on hand and take with me), Seltzer (take with me), dog food (no explanation necessary), dog biscuits, batteries for my clock and flashlights. Last night I bought Ken's socks and had the oil changed in my car. Tonight I would like to vacuum it. I'm not hysterical about this trip yet, but there are 2 days between me and it.

The best women in Colo

The best women in Colo
Originally uploaded by woodsrun.

Chances are, July 2005

Chances are, July 2005
Originally uploaded by woodsrun.

Dogs watch Jenica swim

Originally uploaded by woodsrun.

Silver lake sunrise

Silver lake sunrise
Originally uploaded by woodsrun.

Watch out fish!
Originally uploaded by woodsrun.

We had fly fishing lessons from cute guides on the Colorado River. I caught a big one, set the hook but couldn't land it. It was a great dat.

Back from Colorado, where it was a different world, different me. I was Betsy for 5 days. How strange was it to introduce myself to guides, to strangers, as Betsy, and to have them call me Betsy? But that's who I was for 5 days, among people I've known since 3rd grade, from my former life. I had a great time, I really enjoyed it. I felt surrounded by really, really nice people, part of a group. There were lots of times when I noticed that there were conversations going on all around me, everyone was talking to someone except me, but it didn't bother me: that was how it was when we were young, that's what I've always been like. These people are very nice, caring, funny, clever, intelligent people whose company I have always craved. I feel lucky that they have included me in their circle. Last time I was with them I wasn't sure they wanted me there, I wasn't sure I was welcome and I didn't feel much part of the group. This time it was better, I felt part of the circle. There were two who had never been part of this ritual and one who had missed a few, so everyone was into the scene in a different, less ritualistic way. It was great.

And COLORADO! What a great place. I have always loved Colorado. I used to feel it was the second place I was meant to live, 2nd only to the Adirondacks. I still feel more at home there than in many places, but of course Vail is not a place I would fit in. It was beautiful and we saw places where there are few enough people living so that I would feel comfortable there. Big sheep farms, with small, round trailer-type things on wheels that our guide told us were what the sheep-herders lived in when the sheep were in the fields. Cool.

We had fun hiking, but it was really hard on my asthmatic lungs to keep up. Luckily there were a number of us who weren't interested in charging ahead so we all stopped and sat to visit while the rest of the group went on ahead. We had taken the gondola to the top of the Vail ski center. The view was spectacular, lots of snow-capped peaks (SCP's) and many more varieties of wildflowers than I'd anticipated. Kathy and I had great fun trying to see how many we could identify. I bought some seeds to plant at home. Wild irises, Indian paintbrush and something else I forget what.

We took fly fishing lessons that were just fantastic. I'VE FISHED THE COLORADO RIVER! We put on our waders at the foot of this steep incline, then clambered up (painfully and very tentatively) and back down again on the other side. I totally surprised myself with my bravery at walking along the edge of a drop-off. I can never, ever do that in the Adirondacks, but I had to do it to get where we were going. They weren't going to leave me behind! So we got to the river, which was nestled in the hills, very pretty. Some rudimentary instruction, then into the water we went with our guides. Priscilla and I had one guide to ourselves, a really cool 25-year old from college graduate from Wisconsin (whom we have much parental advice to during the 40 minute rides to and from the fishing site). He kept complimenting me on my casts--"That was perfect! Now you've got it!" What a great ego builder. I learned about the mend, rolling your line ahead of your flies. I finally caught what felt like a huge fish, set the hook, played it a little, but failed to land it. Priscilla caught one, which jumped out of the water, but then spit the hook out. She had the same problem I did in letting the fish play the line. But boy did we have fun. And I loved the way our guide "handled" us. Respectful but not overly solicitous. We walked back to the vehicles in hot, hot sun, but very happy. Long ride home.

HORSEBACK RIDING!! Rode up to a famous cabin/restaurant. Again, I was nervous. Last time I rode I was bucked over the horse's head at a full gallop and landed on my back. This horse, however, was very nice. He trotted voluntarily a couple of times but let me boss him around a little bit as well. Kathy had a huge black steed named Waylon. Priscilla, behind me, was on Rebel. I was on Santiago. Again we were on narrow trails with steep inclines and I was nervous. We saw Tom Hanks' huge house in Beaver Creek. This time our guide was Claus from Germany, probably the only cowboy who's also an interior designer. It was a lot of fun, and the dinner we had was delicious. Lots of wine, lots of food, and lots of laughter. I sat with Julie Anderson, who played the flute in 7th grade orchestra with me. Or I played with her. She was masterful, still is. It was really nice to have a chance to talk to her. These women are all remarkable in their own rite.

Saturday 6 of us went rafting on the Colorado. This was really great. Class II and III rapids ( out of VI). We had another wonderful guide, who was fantastic to us. At one point he stopped paddling and steering, sat back and said, "OK ladies, teamwork--I want you to get the raft between those two rocks." We tried, paddled like mad through the rapids, almost made it, but in the end got hung up and laughed a lot. At one point Priscilla and I jumped into the water and swam, floating down the river with the raft. The water was great.

Interspersed all of these activities was shopping, visiting, laughing, drinking, watching the moon rise, sleeping in bunk beds, talking about our lives, their children and feeling such a kinship with each other. Last time I felt completely different from all of them, as if I led a life that couldn't be more different. I am still the only one who has no life partner, but it doesn't make me feel different this time--that's just what my life is. I have no children, but there are 3 others as well. I find that immensely comforting.

I missed my brother terribly during this time, probably because these are people I knew from my Rockford days and it brought up memories of him. One woman wanted us to tell the best thing that happened to us since our last gathering, and the worst thing. I started to cry, knowing that Henry's death was the worst thing and knowing that I couldn't and didn't want to share this with them. The pain of losing him was so keen during these days, the tears always so near the surface. I wanted to be able to tell him about each of these people, to see who he would remember, knowing he would be interested in Kathy and some of the others, knowing he would tease me about some. And each recollection about Rockford, each mention of Rockford makes me think of him.

So I cried on the ferry last night, nearly home at last, the trip ending. I cried for Henry, I cried for my past. I miss him so much.

And today I'm at work, barely catching up and gearing up for the next phase of my summer: vacation with my sister, her daughter and my mother. Some time in Rhode Island and some time here. Many cousins will be with us here. yeow.

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people. You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together. Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly. People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

My natural talent of interpersonal relations is something I've spent most of my life trying to figure out how to do! I do communicate well, however. My calming presence is a myth. Some people crave my praise but mostly just my dogs do.

Your Power Color Is Gold

At Your Highest: You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you. At Your Lowest: You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life. In Love: You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude. How You're Attractive: You passion for life makes others passionate about you. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Having Fun?"

What's Your Power Color?

I've been staying in the boat house, and have had the most magical evenings. Sitting in the Saranac chair, which is like a chaise longe, only higher, and which is in the corner of the porch overlooking the lake and the mountains. There is no power on the porch so I do my crosswords by candlelight. This makes them more legitimate, somehow, although it makes the tiny numbers really hard to read. I like doing them and pretend I'm doing them to prevent the onset of Alzheimers or senility, but mostly I like doing them because they make me feel smart. Like playing Jeopardy against the person who make up the puzzle. These are ones I get from The Trentonian,off of the Internet. More challenging than most but I can still do them.

Anyway, there I sit at night, where it's as cool as it is anywhere, watching it get darker and darker on the lake. I interrupt myself just before it gets TOO dark and go for a swim. The water is totally black and all I can see when I swim underwater is the white sticks that are my arms. They're all blurry and ill-defined but look really cool. I love this. I look up to the porch, where I've only left 2 candles burning and the light, reflected against the red-brown of the siding, is very pretty. It's just really, really nice and I feel so lucky to have this experience to myself. And my dogs, of course. I have to let them share it with me or they sit on the porch and whine. Tess swims out to me in great panic, puffing as she swims fast. I'm teaching her to stay a certain distance away from swimmers--I push her away and say "WATCH OUT." It's not working very well. I tried splashing water in her face, which is what you're supposed to do. That didn't work at all. I can barely see her as she swims toward me, just the "V" in the water that she leaves behind her.

And it continues to be hot, so hot here. Unusual for the Adirondacks, and so many people are having bad sinus and lung reactions. Including me. I'm taking antihistamines and using my inhalers. I'm counting on my trip to Colorado to cure this problem, but first I need to mow my lawn, which will exacerbate the whole thing mercilessly. I need to clean my house for Lin. She is going to stay there and take care of Tess and Chances for the 5 days I will be gone. She doesn't need to feed the fish: Mr. Guppy died the other day, the last of the band of 4. I'll wait until after my August vacation to get any more, then I'll go back to the store and look at the whole array of fish before deciding who to get next (who will be the next victims?).

I'm off to Colo. tomorrow to be with about 17 friends from high school and junior high school. I'm nervous about the trip--have to make a connection in Newark going there, one in Cleveland coming back. Three people are meeting me in Denver to drive to Vail together, so the pressure's on not to miss my flight in Newark. I have a 7:00 a.m. flight from Burlington, so I think I need to leave home at 3 a.m. Won't the dogs be surprised when I wake them up? Won't I be surprised if I wake up? I'm looking forward to being in Colo. again, it's been many, many years since I was there. I like being with this group of people but I really don't have much in common with most of them. They are true suburban American wives and mothers, with lives so different from my own. I am one of 3 who has no children and the only one who has no partner. There is one other who is not married, but she has a boyfriend (or did the last time we were together, 3 years ago). They cannot relate to my life at all, but I lived in their worlds when I lived in Rockford. Except for the ones in Calif. and Oregon, I can't imagine what it's like to live in those places.

So off I go, hoping for the best.

FIRST, you have to understand that this story is a sad story but I can see the humor in it. You have to understand that I cried for most of the day, but that I laughed when I regaled my friends with the episode I'm about to describe. You have to understand a lot of things about the dog involved, how I felt about him and about how I came to have him in my life.

Let's start with Wednesday night at 10:00. I let my 13-year old dog Jackson out for his nightly pee. He does not return. He has done this before, maybe 3 times. Each time he has been on my doorstep the following morning. We had a thunderstorm during the night, but still he did not return. He was not on my doorstep yesterday morning so I went to work, figuring he had found safe haven during the night. I looked for his body on the hardtop on my way to work and did not find it. At 10:00, at work I got a call from State Trooper Prichitt saying that my dog Jackson had been hit by a car and was injured, couldn't walk, and that he was being left at my house. "How did you find me?," I asked. "I've been tracking you down for a while." I called the vet, told them to expect an emergency visit from me. Vet is an hour from my house, house is 45 min. from work. I rushed home. Jackson was lying on the grass, took his last gasp of air as I knelt down next to him. He was already dead. Next to him was a shirt, Moore Construction Company on the left front, Mike on the right. So it was Mike who hit him, then covered him with his shirt. Jackson died of internal injuries, his belly was swollen and his gums were white.

I later discovered he had been hit at 7:50, so it took him a while to die, the poor old man. Several people got involved in this drama, my voice mail was full of messages, neighbors wanting me to know my dog had been hit. Mostly people I vaguely know or don't know at all. He had a tag on his collar with my name & phone number. I like it a lot that so many people cared. One woman called in the afternoon to see how my dog was.

OK, now the John Candy movie begins. I'm crying, feeling guilty, feeling sorry for Jackson, feeling sad. I call my 91-year-old friend Ken because I need help disposing of a 70-pound dog body. Ken has always told me that he will help me bury a dog body, he has a place in the woods that's a burial spot for dogs. I leave a message and an hour later he calls me back. Meanwhile Jackson lies in the sun, under a blanket. I let Tess outside. She runs up to him, wagging her tail madly, imploring him to get up an play with her.

Ken comes over and the only way he considers handling the body of an animal is to dangle it by its front and hind legs, like a dead deer. I can't stand this, but what can I do? At least I take the front, so I can cradle Jackson's head in my arms. With a 1-2-3 HEAVE HO we put him in the back of the truck and drive him to Ken's, where we transfer him to the small wooden trailer behind Ken's 1955 Ford tractor for transport into the woods. I sit on a cinder block in the middle of the trailer, next to the body. I cry a lot. It's a bumpy ride but the woods are spectacular, serene and beautiful. We get to the spot Ken knows is the right one. We start walking into the woods on mossy covered ground and he says "We're looking for a monument." I know better than to ask what kind of monument or how far into the woods we should go. I finally spot a red stone, shaped just like a headstone, blank but unmistakable. "Found it!" He explains that a camper, many years ago, had her dog die while she was there, and she wanted it buried in Hawkeye so he buried it there. This completely destroys my vision of a burial plot for beloved pets but it's sure too late to turn back now. "We'll put Good Old Jackson right next to her dog, right here," he says, tapping the moss with his boot.

The spot he's picked is about 75 feet from where the tractor is parked on the dirt path/road. I know we can't carry the body that far. He reads my mind. "I'll just skid him in here." Oh God I don't think I can stand that. We lower the body to the ground, he ties a rope around Jackson's rear legs and starts dragging the body. Drag, pause, drag, pause. I cry. We reach the spot and start to dig. It's 85 degrees and the mosquitoes are hungry. We sweat and dig. He's very methodical, I'm eager to finish this project. I can't stand it. Jackson is lying on the ground nearby.

Finally we have a hole big enough--about 2 1/2 feet deep, 3 feet long and a foot wide. We put the blanket I've brought in the hole and lower the dog onto it, adjust his position so he fits. Fine, the hole is deep enough. Only one problem: rigor mortis has set in and his front legs are completely stiff. Hind legs bend just fine but his front legs are sticking straight up, out of the hole about 3 inches (I said this was like a John Candy movie). Push them down, they pop up. "Um, Ken...we have a problem." I can read his mind--if I weren't there he could break the legs and tuck them in nicely. I push, push, push the legs down, hold them down long enough to make them stay, tuck them under the edge of the hole and finally, success! He fits! We cover him with the edges of the blanket, then a garbage bag, and finally the dirt and moss we saved when we started digging.

Ken instructs me to find a perfect, flat, square stone within the next while, and to write something nice on it. "We'll come back up and put it right here," he says, putting a birch log in the exact spot. "What're you going to paint on the stone?," he asks. God only knows. Throughout this whole afternoon he's been saying things like, "Good Old Jackson, your last ride in a motor vehicle." "Good Old Jackson, your final resting place." "If there's a heaven for you I'll bet you're there now, Old Jackson." Each time he says these things I cry some more.

At last we leave, me riding in the small trailer, enjoying the ride through the woods even as I cry for the dog, for my brother, for death. We ride through a blueberry patch full of ripe berries, we turn around over a lichen-covered rock, we ride through the meadow with the wonderful view of the end of the lake and the mountain. Finally we get to his house, put away the tools, unhook the trailer and go inside. "I think we deserve a touch of the creature, don't you?," he says. But first we each have a tall glass of cold, delicious water.

When I go home there is no big yellow dog barking a sloppy bark at my arrival.

I had the most amazing swimlast night.
I was at Linda's, visiting, drinking (a little, only a little), relaxing and saying goodbye to our friend MaryKay. We decided it was a perfect night for naked swimming. It's not nearly as nice to swim at Linda's as it is at our camp because you never feel you're out very far: other camps are too close. But we swam pretty far out and I floated in totally dark water, dove into darkness so dark you could see nothing. It was cold and I never really got used to the water, unlike the swimming Jenica and I did the day before in the sunlight. The moon was a sliver but gave off good light. It was lovely and made me think of my sister, who swims several times a day when she's at Silver Lake.

I took Pus Head and her sister with the pus-y neck to the vet last night. They have hot spots, all right, and got shaved a whole lot. Diane, the vet laughed at them. They behaved very, very well while they got shaved, and Tess wagged her tail the whole time. I can't believe she did that and was sure she would struggle and be awful, based on the way she hides from me when I get out any kind of medicine. Anyway, they got shots, pills, salve and should be ok now. Their spots already look better. They also got their distemper/parvo shots and exams, as did Jackson. I discovered that Jackson has partial paralysis in his throat, which explains why his bark is so funny. It's not a problem, but I have to be careful with him in hot weather so that he doesn't over-exert himself and pant himself to death. Jackson? Over exert? It is to laugh. "Should I have him put down?," she asked optimistically. No, it's not that bad, but keep an eye on him. Total for all that was done last night: $335. Yikes. That's why I went to Linda's for drinks afterward.

Today the staff meets with the first of 2 candidates for the director position. We have a bunch of questions we've submitted to ask her but only have 45 minutes to ask them. Some of them are long and involved questions, but some dork wants to know what the last 3 books she read are. I don't think I could answer that one. Let's just ask her what her favorite color is.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE, WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
Well, I went to my ex-husband's wedding and it was fine. The wedding took forever. Boy are they married, they are sooo married. This wedding could not have been more different from our wedding. Tuxedos, white dress with pearl baubles, bridesmaids in gowns, church vows and more vows, solos belted out in all kinds of languages, a long boring sermon, full communion. It took almost an hour and a half for them to get married. Us, it took about 10 minutes outside in the sunshine with leaves on the trees. It rained the entire day he got married this time. The entire day, poured. The wedding was at night. The reception was really nice, in a pretty spot with good food and plenty of it. Free wine and beer and plenty of it. I had a nice time, saw good friends and got to be part of their group. Saw nice cousins and got to visit with them. Evaded cousins I didn't want to visit with. Was told by enough people they were glad I had gone. Jamie actually hugged me. Not bad for a man who hasn't spoken to me in a long time. He did not, however, introduce me to his wife, so I had to do that myself. She seemed stunned and said nothing. Anyway, the whole thing was fine and I stayed at the reception for a long time.

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day. Really beautiful. I had Sunday dinner with the usual crowd, then got to spend some time on the dock with Jenica. We did our usual chatting, one on the dock, one in the water. Library stuff, the wedding, our lives. Very nice. Then we went our separate ways. I went to my book group, which I thought started at 4 but really started at 3. Oh well, they were kind enough to talk about the book again when I got there. Running with scissors by Burroughs. Mixed reviews. We had a great time together, the full group was gathered for the first time in a long time. We talked about what's going on in our lives, especially Lori's life--she's getting a divorce and is living in a not-so-great situation right now. They're all going to Mirror Lake to swim laps Weds. night at 6:30. I may join them.

Friday night was the long-awaited 60th birthday party for Erdvilas. It was really nice. I had a nice time, saw lots of people I really like visiting with, ate plenty of food and didn't drink too much. They were smart and stuck to wine. What a difference that makes! Lots of people, plenty of conversation. I like being part of that extended group, they are really nice and wonderful people.

Tonight I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, who will be shocked that I went to my ex-husband's wedding. I haven't seen Dr. Rubin for 3 months. After that I rush home to pick up the dogs and rush them to the vet. The Brown Girls have the most disgusting hot spots. Chances has a huge oozing one on her neck and Tess' is now crusty and is huge on top of her head so she looks like a comic book character who was hit by radiation and is thus disfigured. My beautiful dogs! So unattractive! Not to mention that it will cost me a fortune to get them repaired! And they will have huge bald spots! Oh no!

Your Career Type: Enterprising

You are engertic, ambitious, and sociable. Your talents lie in politics, leading people, and selling things or ideas. You would make an excellent: Auctioneer - Bank President - Camp Director City Manager - Judge - Lawyer Recreation Leader - Real Estate Agent - Sales Person School Principal - Travel Agent - TV Newscaster The worst career options for your are investigative careers, like mathematician or architect.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Auctioneer, yeah, I like being an auctioneer. We all know I can talk fast and loud. Real estate agent? At least they make a lot of money.

Back to work and it seems like a strange place to be. I came in this morning, completely forgetting I was due in Burlington for my mammogram. I got back in my car and made it to my appointment in time, no problem. Ferry ride was a bit rough and it was hazy, no view. After the 'gram I went to a department store I like and found a good pair of shoes to wear to Jamie's wedding on Saturday. They are Clarks and will be good to wear for other things too. They are $70 shoes that were on sale for $40. Yea me!

I had a good weekend but it almost feels as if the whole thing happened to someone else. My eye appointment went well, my small cataract is no worse and my vision is only marginally worse. I ordered bifocals with the lenses that have no lines so had to pay $225 for them myself. This sucks and I am now broke. I was very late to the meeting that started at 5:15 because it took 1 1/2 hours for my appointment, then there I was, at 5:00, in Lake Placid, and I had to get to Silver Lake for the meeting. Didn't seem as if much got accomplished at the meeting anyway.

Saturday morning was the road clean up and I got paired with the loony woman who lives in her parents' camp over by the island year-round. This is her 2nd or 3rd year there. She lives with her 9 year old daughter and does batik stuff for a living. Guess what she's discovering? You can't make a living doing that. I love these people who don't have to pay $600 a month for housing, and must be getting child support or something for enough income so they don't have to work. She admitted that she may have to go back to work. She's a counselor, amazingly enough. Anyway, she brought along this man who insisted we put a dead porcupine in our garbage bags, triple-bagging it. Everyone was totally grossed out that we did it (including me). After the cleanup we had a cookout and I talked Ken into going, which turned out to be a nice thing for him, a little socialization with people he hasn't seen in a long time. One of the women from Baltimore went too, which she found very exciting. People who don't normally hang out with this group think it's an exciting group. Those of us who do know better.

Saturday night was, of course, a big drinking party at Linda's. Many people and many drinks. It was nice to be with that group again. I had a chance to talk to Joe about his cancer, his surgery, his attitude about life, plus he told me that Steve has OCD, which explains why it's taking SOOOOOO long for him to finish my deck. Steve is Joe's sister's son. Linda's friends from Mich. were there, and Chris is a devoted fisherman. Unfortunately he got his triple-barbed lure stuck in his hand so badly that Joe had to use pliers to yank it out. I was holding Chris' hand steady, and in the process got two hooks stuck in my fingers so badly that then Joe had to use pliers to yank them out of my fingers. Much blood, some pain. Too much alcohol. All is fine now, wounds are healing and don't interfere with my ability to type or weave baskets.

Sunday we had dinner at Joe and Martha's a huge group of us. I stayed after dinner to visit with Martha and Pat (Pat is Joe's sister, Ken's niece, who I seldom get to see even though she lives next door to Ken). That pretty much killed the day. Sunday night I had dinner with Rush & Annie and Annie's son, his wife and her son. We had a lot of fun playing cards after dinner. We played "I Doubt It," which I hadn't played since childhood. Annie's son is a psychiatrist and we talked about things psychiatric a lot, including Tom Cruise and Scientology at great length. Michael (the son) is really remarkable.

I stayed in the boat house Sunday night and slept well. There were really cool fireworks across the lake that I had a great view of, sitting on the porch. The lake was still and beautiful. I got up at 5 on Monday and took pictures of the sunrise, fed the dogs and went back to sleep until 7:30. Then I got up, sat on the porch and drank tea for 2 hours. It was really great. I put my chair on the dock, put my suit on and set up my sunning station. The water is warm, 72 according to Rush. I swam, the dogs swam even more. They had a great day, running along the shore, swimming, then napping at the end of the dock. They were great. I got to swim with Jamie's sister, whom I have always liked. She was there with his parents, cleaning like crazy in preparation of the rehearsal party Friday night. They're planning on a crowd of about 60. I won't be there, or if I am it will be for a short time only, Erdvilas' birthday party is that night.

I went home briefly to start Erdvilas' basket, did quite well with that, then went to Linda's for the evening. Another big crowd, another dinner. Delicious food. I took Chances, who ate 8 of the buttermilk scones Linda had made. She made 16 so had just enough for dessert, since the crowd didn't really grow until after dinner. How truly embarrassing for me, though, to have such a poorly behaved dog. She ate them off the plate, which was on the kitchen counter.

Today I have to meet Ken after work to take him to the doctor. Sometimes this doctor has a big crowd, sometimes not. It's taken anywhere from 1/2 an hour to 1 1/2 hours when we've seen him. I'll stop at Ken's before going home, but then I'm going home to vacuum the floor and do some cleaning. Having a social life is fun but my house is more of a mess than usual. My flowers look like hell, completely neglected since I don't really have a deck to put them on. I have tiny tomatoes and cukes, though.

Now I should probably get a least a little bit of work done.

You Are 38% American

America: You don't love it or want to leave it. But you wouldn't mind giving it an extreme make over. On the 4th of July, you'll fly a freak flag instead... And give Uncle Sam a sucker punch!

How American Are You?

Today is Friday, the day before 4th of July weekend. The lake will be covered with boats, the shoreline full of people. Our camp will be empty except for tomorrow during the day when there will be a work party of the family of my ex-husband, prettying up camp for his rehearsal dinner party, to be held next weekend. I did my part, mowed the big grass strip down the center of the road last night. I offered to do it for his parents, who seem to be freaking out about what kind of shape camp will be in. They always freak out when company comes to camp, and I knew it would help if I mowed for them so I offered and they seemed pleased so I did it. It was HOT and I SWEATED. I hate to sweat.

After I mowed I dug in my garden for an hour. That made me sweat some more and I was a little greasy from the bug dope I sprayed on myself. I hate to be GREASY. I planted 30 snapdragon plants and 20 lily bulbs. No, wait, the dogs ate one of those, I only planted 19. The garden now has 2 spots where it looks like a garden. I uncovered some of my perennials, which are getting ready to bloom. SURPRISE! I found some I'd forgotten I had. A nice treat.

While I was working so was Stevie. He now has most of one side of the deck completed. He made a little bridge so the dogs could walk onto to it but only Jackson was brave enough to use it. There's a space of about 2' between the two deck sections and you look down the 4' to the ground below. The Girls absolutely refuse to cross the bridge, not even for Milk Bones. Jackson: no problem. The Girls ran inside, danced around, put their front paws down and their butts in the air, wagged their tails, did everything but cross the little bridge. Sissies.

Tonight I have a quick meeting with the shoreowners' association to plan the summer's events. They've got me and our camp committed to an August event. Swell. I'm the secretary, have been for years. Tomorrow at 10 we gather to do the road cleanup and spend the rest of the day together. I must remember to buy myself some beer to drink at the cookout.

This afternoon, in an hour, I leave to go to the eye doctor for my annual visit. I will order new glasses, bifocals this time. Right now I have a pair of bifocals and a pair of trifocals. I need glasses to see in three zones: up close to read, mid-point for the computer, and far away to read. Sucks, yes? So now I want a pair that will see up close to read and far away to drive, so that I can read the speedometer and the road signs as I drive. I have to wear the tri-focals for that and they turned out to have just too many zones on them. Too confusing. My doctor competes in the Ironman in Lake Placid every year. 13 hours of activity: a 2-mile swim, then a 112-mile bike race, then a 26-mile marathon. My friend Howard does the same thing in Madison. I cannot comprehend that much physical activity in 13 hours. The race course comes very close to Silver Lake. My doctor rides his bike to Silver Lake often so we always talk about how nice it is where I live. That's about all we talk about, plus how nice chocolate Labs are, since he has one of those too.

Tuesday morning I go to Burlington for my mammogram. Wish I could think of something fun to do there besides that. I used to shop at Banana Republic, back when their clothes fit me and they had a good sale section. Then I moved on to the Eddie Bauer store, but they don't have a good sale section anymore either. Now I order everything online anyway.

Last night I finished a beautiful basket, a Shaker cat's head. It turned out pretty well and I'm very proud that I can still make nice baskets. I have to make 2--I for Jamie's wedding present and one to give to Erdvilas for his birthday, both by next Friday night. I ordered more supplies so I can make baskets for those I owe baskets too, as well. I had a really nice time making this one, I hadn't made one weaving in this style in many years and it was a lot of fun to do. I just hope the dogs don't chew it up while I'm at work! I put it in what I think is a safe place but you never know.

I saw the coolest thing yesterday on my way to work. There was a very red doe standing next to the road, and standing next to her was a totally white fawn. All white. So pretty, so magical. It wasn't an albino because its eyes were very dark and surrounded by black eyeliner, just as its mother's were, and its nose was very dark as well. How cute and special. I thought of it as a good luck omen, but then I got very depressed and cried most of the rest of the way to work, thinking about my brother and how much I miss him. So much for something good happening that will carry you through the day!

I miss my brother a lot now because there are things he would be doing at camp, and this is a weekend he would probably be coming here to do them. There are projects he could work on, and he would have liked doing them, fixing his camp, making a contribution and making the place better. I feel very sad that he died because there were many things that he wanted to do, there was so much he wanted to live for and he was looking forward to the rest of his life. And of course I miss him very much. I wanted to tell him about the white fawn. He would have thought that was pretty cool.

It's still hot and muggy but only in the 80's not 90 right now. I'm sleeping at home. The last time I slept at the boat house was Tuesday night. I couldn't get to sleep and neither could the dogs. They paced all over the bed and I tossed and turned in the dark until after 1:00. Maybe I need to ingest lest caffeine, or maybe I'm struggling with things in my mind, or maybe I'm just not a warm weather person. Last night I slept better, in my bed with my window open, listening to the occasional sound of the forest.

Roger Douglas stopped by last night, looking for his sweet cat Marius. I got to chat with Roger, who is really one of the nicest people I know. I haven't seen him in months. He said his father Leroy is having a very bad time and there's really something wrong with him (well, we all knew that a long time ago). Roger has always worked for his father in the summer but said he quit on Tuesday, couldn't take his father's behavior anymore. His brother-in-law quit yesterday. That's even more amazing. This is really big news in the neighborhood. Also very scary, Leroy on the loose. We always count on Roger to help keep Leroy under control.

No one coming to camp this weekend, unusual for the 4th. Cousin Elsa may show up, she sometimes does. I have a lot going on. Linda and Erdvilas arrive tomorrow night, as do the women from Balto. Saturday morning the shoreowners' association does a road cleanup, followed by a cookout at noon. Sunday is special noon dinner at Joe and Martha's--that will be big and fancy. Monday I'm hoping for some dock time. Steve said he should be able to work on my deck this weekend. Roger is a contractor and asked me about my deck yesterday, I could tell he thought I should have asked him to do it. At the rate Steve's going, I think he was right. I've got some other work I'd like to get done and I think I might ask Roger to do it. I'd love to have my bathtub functioning again.

We reached a tentative settlement with the board in negotiations on Tuesday night. It's a really good agreement for our unit and I'm really happy with it. I think it went really well mostly because the director (INTERIM director, that is) was out of town so it was just 2 rational board members and a rational attorney (is that an oxymoron?). They suggested we leave out the drug/alcohol use policy that we have struggled and argued over for hours (which was what we suggested doing in the first place) and they agreed to our demand that those of us who have never contributed to our health insurance coverage continue to not pay. We got a 3% increase for each of the 3 years of the contract, which isn't much but it's up from the 2% that they said was their absolute bottom line. We proved to them that the cost of living index was 2.91%. Doubtless we'll lose money in real salaries in years 2 and 3 but at least we have a contract we can present to the unit that they'll actually ratify. And this is my last round of negotiations, since I am no longer president of the unit effective tomorrow. Yes!! The way the new officers went about running for office was mean-spirited and cruel, but the end result is all right with me and I didn't run for re-election. I am feeling good about not having to deal with being president any more. It's been 5 or 6 years, I forget how many, and it's been so nasty and contentious dealing with this director that I'm happy to be rid of it. Of course, we're getting a new director who doubtless will be more rational. Some of the members think I was the problem, which is what is upsetting to Julie and me (she was the vice president), they never heard about the things the director did, or realized that we were just holding the line, not picking the fights. But that's in the past and you can't control what people conclude when they don't have the facts.

Today it's more opera videos to catalog for Lake Placid. Does anybody every watch these? I have a feeling I'm spending hours and hours cataloging these so they can sit on the shelf and never get used. But it doesn't matter, this is my job and I do it.

It's very hot, hot, hot
It's been hot for days. 93 on Saturday. I stayed in the boat house Friday and Saturday nights, but the back bedroom downstairs in my house was very cool last night (I slept under a comforter, even) because it's up against the woods, which cools it off a whole lot. I had a very unproductive weekend. Saturday it was too hot for me to do anything. I decided that I wouldn't do anything at home so I stayed at camp. I sat on the boat house porch for most of the morning, then moved to the big rock to catch the sun in the afternoon. I discovered that someone had built a fire on the rock sometime during the winter and it's covered with leftover char. Yucca pucca. I really hate the thought of someone's hanging out at our boat house during the winter, but there's not much we can do about it. Anyway, I enjoyed myself a whole lot, as did the Brown Girls. We all swam a bunch in water that is cold but not too cold, just refreshing enough. I loved it.

Sunday I hosted Sunday dinner but Bill did all the work. My cousin Bill and my cousin Anne's husband Jim put in the boat house dock and Sonci's dock in the morning (Tess said "DOCKS! I'm standing on a DOCK!"). Bill and I had invited The Boys from the camp below my house, so I was really happy to get to spend time with them. As previously noted, I really like them a lot. They loved having wine and cheese on the b.h. porch before dinner and hanging out on camp's porch for a long time after dinner. They looked really cute, all lined up in the chairs facing the lake. It was cool and wonderful and they didn't leave until after 3. I stayed to wash the dishes, went home at 4 and took a long nap with Jackson and the chocolates.

Today it's hot still, due to be 90. I went to the doctor this morning. He is my friend. He burst into the room, announcing "I hate this weather!" Then we had a long talk about Tom Cruise and Scientology and their misguided views on psychiatry and chemical imbalances. My bad cholesterol level is down from 109 to 67. He was thrilled, I was surprised. It's due to my increased activity level, we guessed. Mowing the lawn, walking the dogs. I suppose if I lived in a warmer climate overall health would be better, assuming I were active all year. Anyway, I haven't lost weight but my pants fit better. He says I'm converting fat to muscle. I said he was exaggerating. I like a doctor who is excited and optimistic. We talked about the interview we both heard on the Today show this morning. he heard it while he was doing rounds at the nursing home (see? I said he was a wonderful doctor--who else would do such a dismal job). Matt Lauer interviewing Tom Cruise, followed by the President of the American Psychiatric Association. All the buzz.

And now I must catalog an interesting mix for Ticonderoga. Some audio books, some fiction, some really strange stuff. And have another cup of coffee before I switch to Diet Coke. Must try the new version of Diet Coke, which is rumored to taste just like regular Coke. But I really like the taste of Diet Coke...

Last night I dreamed that I cried and cried because it was my anniversary. In reality I did not cry but I did recognize that it was my anniversary and my ex-husband is soon getting married. This doesn't bother me emotionally but it's one of those societal things: one member of the couple is moving on relationship-wise and the other is not. Do I think he's doing better than I am? No, in fact I think the opposite. Do I really care if people think he is? No, I don't, but there's still part of me that is Barbie-and-Ken influenced from the outside of my psyche. The pressure of our couple-defined culture. And so, based on my dream I would say this is more powerful in me than I realized. But today I could give a shit and I have moved on.

I couldn't get to sleep until 1:00 but I had a really good time watching Michael Keaton on David Letterman last night. He had been banned from the show, I'd heard because he booked Leno and Letterman for the same week and Letterman was really pissed about it. It's been years since he was on the show and I love to watch him interact with Letterman. He was at his best and I was entertained. Not sleepy, but entertained. This was after watching Michael Sidaris read a really good excerpt from his fable on Jon Stewart's show. But then all of a sudden it was 1 and I was not sleepy. That might have worked for me but the dogs, notable Tess woke at 4:30 and would not settle down. I glanced at the clock and thought it was 5:30 so decided it would be ok to get up, close enough to 6, thus nearly time to arise for work. When I took a good look at the clock, however, I squawked. Too late, both dogs were by now stirring. I got up at 5 and took all three for a walk to camp. The sun was up over the mountain but the lake was not calm. Tess had the best ever walk, running around like crazy. We woke up a deer at the top of the camp hill, in the woods. It took off like a shot into the woods, making a huge racket. I found myself almost wishing we'd run into either the Viscontis, my neighbors across the hardtop, or one of "the boys" who are in camp at the foot of my hill. This amused me, who loves to have the world to myself.

The boys are former campers who are here to open their camp but mostly to have a good time together. They gather each spring and fall to open and close their camp. They remind me of Henry and his friends when they all got along. These guys are in their 50's but act like 11 year olds when they're together. They are so cute I love to be around them. One is a judge, one runs his own business administering nursing homes, one is a wealthy retiree, one is a children's author from Marin County and I don't know what the other does but he's very cute. All but one are married to their original wives. They don't include me in their activities very often because it's basically a boys' club down there, but I run into them at Ken's or on the road sometimes. I didn't really expect to see anyone this morning, but I was sort of hoping to see Duncan, who jogs and is really the cutest, most lovable and universally adored of the bunch.

So this morning I was very groggy on the way to work and instead of listening to my book I cranked Pink up loudly and sang along to her songs (Let's get this party started!). When I got to work I could barely keep my eyes open, what a struggle it was! Now I've had at least 3 cups of coffee and am listening to Internet radio, the 80's--a switch from my usual music, which is keeping me pretty perky. I'm cataloging some very old and depressing children's books for Lake Placid. No library should have children's books published in the '20s or a set published in 1902, least of all a library here in the North Country.

Last night we had a negotiating session. The board has really been pushing their package deal, which includes an offer of a 2% raise and a contribution to our health insurance costs. The husband of one of our team members put together a huge spreadsheet which illustrates how much money we would lose if we accepted their package. The cost of living index is now at 2.91%. His figures were great, and I handed them out at the end of the session to give the board something to chew on. They met after we adjourned. The difference between their offer and our counter-offer is $40,000 over 3 years, so we're hoping they'll at least consider it. But I'm a foolish optimist. I'd just really like to settle this contract.

And now back to 1902.

June 22nd: 20th wedding anniversary
I only know this because the date leaps out at me from the calendar. Someone asked me if it means anything to me, if it's an emotional day for me. No, not in the least. I just can't believe that 20 years have gone by since I got married, and yet I can. A lot has happened in 20 years. I can't believe that it's been 10 years since he moved out, that's harder to believe. Of course, he was still very much involved in my life for 2 or so years after he left, and we've only been divorced for 2 years. My life is so much my own life now, and has been for so long, that my marriage happened to someone else, a person who was very different from the person I am now. I am a more complete person now, someone who understands much about herself and can handle the things that happen to her. I know who cares about me and how they care about me, and I know how much I need to have someone care about me. I know how to ask for help when I need it--though I am loathe to do so. I love to be alone, I love living alone but I also understand that I have a need to be with other people sometimes (thank goodness--I would worry about myself if I didn't have this need). I have friends, enough of them so that when something happens to me they call and show up to help me. This is who I have become.

And today is a beautiful day, a perfect 70-degree day. This is the weather I crave. I took Monday off (because it was going to be a beautiful day, but mostly because the director was going to be at work that day). It was 80, a little hot for me. I was relatively productive. Mowed and weed-whacked. I used Lin's self-propelled mower and was able to mow my lawn and all around my driveway in a fraction of the time it would have taken with my mower. I love her mower. I did not get my garden dug out from under the canopy of grass it is now hidden under. This is the most disagreeable chore now facing me. I did read in the sun for a long time, which is one of my favorite activities. I'm reading Running with scissors, a memoir that our book group has chosen. It's hard to believe this is someone's life, and yet it's also so strange that it's not hard to believe. Monday evening Stevie came to work on my deck. He took down the deck and stairs that lead to the mud room. It looks totally naked over there now. He's going to tie the stairs and mud room door in to the front deck.

Had a good weekend, though the weather was cool. It was 42 Sunday morning, too cool for June I think. Jenica and Drew slept in the boat house, I stayed home under many covers and with a brown girl at my feet and another at my side. Saturday I prepared most of the meal for Sunday dinner, as I hosted it at Sonci. Chicken/potato salad with dill and olives. Cole slaw. What was supposed to be a delicious peach pie in a coconut crust but didn't turn out the way I envisioned it AT ALL. The fete was a success, though, and we had 7 people on the porch enjoying each other and the view. It was very nice. I got to hear about Joe's trip to Iceland, a place I've wanted to visit for the last 30 years. He says there are no trees there. OK, so I wouldn't want to live there, just visit.

The cousins had planned to come last weekend to put in the docks, but due to the weather they have rescheduled for this weekend. This weekend's weather doesn't look much better. We'll see what happens. At least the water's in so we can use the kitchen and flush the toilet. I can't believe how close we are to July. Much work will be done on camp for Jamie's rehearsal party the night before his wedding, I'm sure. That will be nice for us, we can all enjoy a new improved camp. It can use a good cleaning. I'll be at Erdvilas' birthday party that night.

This morning I went to the dump (after first stopping at camp to pick up the garbage there), then to the blood place to have my blood tested, and still got to work only 5 minutes late. I would have been on time if I'd gone to the other blood place, where I always go, but I tried the different place. Turns out all the old people go to this place and there are a lot of them and they move slowly. Won't go there again and don't want to get like that.

Have a negotiating session tonight. Two scheduled before I am no longer president of the bargaining unit. What happens after that I don't know. We have an elaborate chart that shows how much money we lose if we accept their salary offer, which is less than the cost of inflation. And how much more we lose if we contribute 5% to the cost of our health care, as they want us to. They'll be surprised that we're so well prepared. I'm not looking forward to this, have enjoyed the hiatus we've had, but don't know why we haven't been meeting for the past several weeks.

Tonight is dinner with Ken. Hamburgers and frozen fries. He's very busy these days, mowing and cutting up a big maple that came down. A happy man who's got too much to do.

I tagged Ken for the memory game and here's his memory:

"My first trip to AuSable Forks. It was summer and I was 5 years old [so this would have been 1919]. Dad and I left in the early morning, headed there with a pair of work horses. There was a dirt road to town and you had to drive the horses to steer them around the rocks in the road. We had a lunch packed by Ma--lamb sandwiches.

There were soda crackers and cheese out at the supply store for the customers to eat and we helped ourselves. If you didn't have a lunch that would be your lunch. There was a loading dock all around the outside of the store. When we got there we gave our order to the clerk and he put our things in a certain spot. Our order included things for my grandfather's store [his grandfather's store was where his house now stands] like coffee, tea, lard, sugar, and things for the campers. There were only about a half-dozen campers then, nothing like there are now.

We left home at 5 in the morning, got to town at 9. On the way home the horses were slowly plogging along under the heavy load. There was a wood block about 10 inches long and 6 inches in diameter, with a hole in the middle. It was my job to put a stick in the hole and put the block behind the rear wheel when my Dad would holler "Whoa!" and the horses would stop to rest. This kept the wagon still. Going up the Black Brook hill took about an hour with a full load and the horses had to rest every hundred feet or so.

When we got home it was 8 or 9 at night and the sun was just going down. You were living on top of the world when you went to the Forks."

Memories:

1. Biloxi, Mississippi. With my brother and sister. It's hot, even though we're used to hot because we live in southern Illinois. We're chasing pieces of paper around the lawn next to the motel where we're staying. It's very exciting--very exciting. We later discover these are just blank receipts, the type a waitress in a diner/restaurant carries. To me they are special, almost forbidden forms, blowing around the ground. Other memories of the trip, which was special because it was a place we went that wasn't the Adirondacks: ocean water that was the strangest color, blue-green. Bad, bad sunburns. Jelly beans hidden around the motel room for Easter, including in the dial of the telephone. New Orleans, where we went to a cemetery and I slipped on a rotten stump that was hollow in the middle. The hole there seemed to go to the middle of the earth. When my mouth hit the stump my loose tooth came out, fell into the hole and disappeared, a very dramatic moment.

2. Lying in a hospital bed. Incredible pain fills my abdomen. Burning, aching, seething pain. Beyond the stupid scale they use when they ask you how bad your pain is. Waiting for the nurse to come with my morphine. The surgeon has just spent 5 hours cutting away my uterus, what was left of the only ovary and fallopian tube I had left, and scraping away as much of my endometriosis as he could. He had to cut around my bladder and colon and vast amounts of scar tissue from two previous surgeries. The whole thing is hell and I am now incapable of having children. I am 37 years old and alone.

3. Playing in the space next to the house at Rome Avenue with my brother and sister in what we called The Little Bill Village. We built elaborate driveways for our model cars and had little tiny people who sat in the drivers' seats. We used doll house furniture to furnish their "houses." We played among the lilies of the valley plants for what seemed like hours, the three of us. vroom vroom, squatting down, kneeling down. To this day when I drive by houses nestled in the woods with a certain type of driveway I say to myself "Little Bill Village."

4. It's the middle of the night, again at Rome Avenue. Early '60's. I wake up, terrified. I hear loud BOOMs, over and over again. It's totally dark and there are no sounds coming from the house. I run from my bedroom to my parents' bedroom, wake them up. "The Russians are bombing Rockford!" We've been told in school that when the Russians attack the United States, Rockford will be one of the first places they will hit because of its importance as a machine-tool producing center (later I learn that people in Rhode Island were told the same thing, their reason was the naval bases and access to New England. People in Plattsburgh were told IT would be hit because of the Air Force Base.). My father, never sympathetic to the fears of his children says "If the Russians were bombing Rockford you'd be doing more than just hearing them. It's a thunderstorm." I ask if I can get in bed with them. My mother very begrudgingly allows me about 6" of space between herself and the edge of the bed. I can't get back to sleep easily but eventually doze off until the storm subsides, then I go back to my own bed, relieved but not convinced we're safe. At night in Rockford from our front steps I can hear the hum of the factories and see the glow of the city. It is not comforting to me.

5. I am sitting in the cure chair, also called the Saranac chair, on the porch of our new boathouse. It is June and few, if any of the camps on the lake are occupied. Our camp has not yet been opened. It's dusk and the lake is inky dark and still. There are no bugs, there is no sound. It is slightly cool--the perfect temperature. I am wearing a large t-shirt, with bare legs. One of my dogs is lying quietly between my knees sleeping and the other is sleeping against the screen on the floor. I am reading by candlelight: there is no electricity on the porch. I have about 6 candles lit, one on each arm of the chair and the rest on the table next to me. I am the only person in the world. I am completely at peace and totally happy.

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Porcupine quills and thunderstorms

I suppose it was just a matter of time before Tess introduced herself to a porcupine. The other day I saw the unmistakable trail of a porcupine across the dirt road and hoped it was dragging its tail away from my house. It may have been, but last night after I heard Tess make a queer noise, sort of a bark/yelp down at the end of the driveway. I went to find her and saw her from about 25 feet with white things sticking out of her nose and chin. Could be nothing else. She was unperturbed but I didn't have the same reaction. It was Thursday night, the vet's were closed. No choice but to remove them myself. Surprisingly, she allowed me to do it. First you have to cut the ends off of the quills, which are filled with air. They won't come out unless you do that. They have small barbs at the ends so you have to yank them quickly out. Sometimes you have to use pliers to get them out. Everything fell into place so nicely (including the quills, pun intended)--I could find the needlenose pliers, Tess let me lock her head between my knees not only to cut the ends off of the quills but also to yank them out. There weren't many, maybe a dozen or so, thankfully. I only drew blood once, the one that was in her shiny chocolate nose, and she yelped when I yanked on that one. The others were in her velvety muzzle, lower lip and chin. Chances was fascinated but kept her distance from the whole operation. Jackson snored. Tess and I were very proud of ourselves. Did she learn a lesson about porcupines? Doubtful. Will the others go through the same thing? Probable. I don't think either of the other dogs will let me do what she did.

I woke in the early morning to the sound of thunder and rain, a favorite sound in the woods. We Rogers tend to be very romantic about rain storms at Silver Lake. I got stranded in my car at Ken's yesterday in a downpour. It was pouring when I pulled into his driveway, and there he was, stuck in his woodshed, waving to me. We stayed in our respective shelters until the rain let up a bit, then went into the house for our visit.

I've been doing the work of my two clerks for the past 3 days. It's work I used to do myself, for 10 years. I got tired of doing it when it was my job and I don't much like doing it now. Besides, doing the work of 3 people is very tiring and not much fun. I'd rather just do my job, which I enjoy and which keeps me too busy. They'll both be back on Monday and will be critical of how I did their work, will gleefully point out my errors, will sigh at my stupidity.

Ken and I had a nice dinner with Ann Hord Coste, a neighbor of the Rogers camp. The Hords and the Rogers have been friends for probably 70 years. Ann is the oldest of the three children in that family--she's about 62 now. Their camp is the prototype for what a camp on Silver Lake should look like. They have a caretaker, and he rakes the woods around the buildings. I've always thought that was ridiculous, but my friends Bill, Fred and Ken do the same thing. Anyway, we had dinner with Ann and it was nice. She, being a caterer is a good cook. She also drinks a lot. Alcohol abuse runs rampant on the north shore of that lake. We had lots of rum for cocktails (Ken said "Hmmm, that's different." He drinks Southern Comfort and whiskey exclusively) with wine at dinner. You really have to put your drinking boots on to socialize in my circle of friends. We're going back there for dinner on Saturday night, so we can watch the Belmont Stakes with her. She's here alone and likes to have company. Ken said she stopped by his house at least 3 times yesterday.

Our power was out for about 4 hours yesterday. It was out when I got to Ken's, which meant he had to have his SoCo with just ice, which didn't really appeal to him but he faced it well. He usually has it with hot water. yuck. When I got home I did a crossword puzzle in total silence. The pump for the fish bowl was off and I'd forgotten how silent my house is without that noise. Very peaceful.

Biggest event of the week happened on Wednesday, when I took the day off so I could mow my lawn. I borrowed Lin's self-propelled, 6 horsepower mower. I love that machine. It took me 2 1/2 hours with that machine to mow the entire lawn, which means it would have taken twice as long with mine. The grass was nearly to my knees in spots. It was awful but now looks wonderful. When I finished Jackson went right to the middle and rolled and rolled and rolled. What a sweet boy, showing his appreciation. Now I have to make my garden look like a garden. After mowing along the stone wall I discovered the lilies I planted in Henry's memory last year are thriving. My 20-year old tea rose is not thriving, however. The central bush is pretty much dead and only the runners are surviving. They're doing well but are growing out into the lawn and I don't think you can transplant them until they're a few years older. So it looks like hell right now and the rose I love to smell is gone. Time marches on. I brought it with me from Rhode Island in 1984, it grew next to my house there.

And now I have the day to do my own work. There's a bit of interlibrary loan clerical work left to do but that won't take long and then I can get back to cataloging the opera DVD's and CD's that await me. In German and Italian, but fortunately the liner notes are in English. Hooray for English.

WHEW!
If last week was any indication of what the summer is going to be like, it'll be a complicated and busy one. Linda and Erdvilas were here, and Bill was at camp a lot. I saw L & E pretty much every night, was at Ken's every evening to treat his eye, and had a complicated weekend. It went from spring to summer in 3 days. There are now leaves on all the trees, the bunchberry is in bloom, which signals the end of the spring season and the beginning of summer. Trillium is going buy and it's time to search for ladies slippers. I have spent the first night of the season in the boat house and the loons were making a HUGE amount of noise at the head of the lake. There were at least two of them and I think there may have been three.

Big news in my neighborhood is that there was a sighting of a moose and her calf just down the road from Fred's camp, about a quarter of a mile from our camp. They left hoof prints to prove their existence to those who did not see them. This is really cool and makes me look all over the place whenever I go out. Moose have a range of at least 50 miles, according to the wildlife biologist I called when I saw moose tracks in the bog a few years ago. I want to see one, really want to see one. I've only seen one at a distance, with Jenica and Jamie once on the way to Burlington.

So the weekend went like this:
Friday night out to dinner with Linda, Erdvilas and Bill at our new favorite restaurant. Although it was a whole lot of fun, I was feeling quiet and subdued. Everyone said it was because I was tired but I don't really know what it was. Maybe the union elections, maybe I was just worn out by the constant social activities of the week. We'd had a big Wednesday night dinner at Linda's. Anyway, dinner was delicious and we had a grand time and spent $200. Plenty of wine, appetizers and of course dessert. After dinner I went back to L & E's, got a jar of Manhattans and went to Ken's with them to treat his eye and visit. Then, finally, home.
Saturday morning I got up at 7:30, picked Lin up at 9 after a quick visit with her dogs and Ralph, plus a tour of her gardens. We went plant shopping at the last greenhouse on our list, one of the ones we really like. I bought some plants for me and some plants to take to the people whose gardens my dogs gravitate to when they escape. They had been there earlier in the week and I had received my second frantic, rather angry phone call of this year telling me my dogs were there, wrecking their garden. I wasn't home to receive the call, I was driving around looking for the dogs. After dropping Lin off I took the plants to said neighbors' house. They live behind a locked gate, so I walked in, carrying the plants. Jim said, "Is this a woman bearing a peace offering?" You bet, I said. They have no electricity, rely on a generator and solar power--by choice. We had a long visit, talking a lot about the dog they just adopted (two years after their beloved old dog died), who was abused, is 7 months old and beautiful but nips. They are working very hard and spending a lot of money trying to turn her into a sweet, sociable dog. She is sweet and may come around eventually. I really like the dog but sure wouldn't want to take her on as a project. Since these people are retired and relatively young they can do this. They told me a lot about their political beliefs, that the problem with the world is overpopulation, the planet is taxed beyond its capability. Everyone with one child should have an abortion when they get pregnant (OK, not quite that bad, but close). She kept saying she used to be a religionist. So that gives you some idea of what talking to her is like. I think she's pretty lonely for company, living the lifestyle he's chosen for them--he calls if "off the grid." But they're very nice and almost forgave me for my dogs bad behavior. He wants me to build a pen for my dogs. They gave me a tour of their gardens, which are totally suburban in design. Tulips in a perfect circle, flowers in neat rows. Just what we in the North Country hate to see. I give them credit, though, they are trying to cover up the scars that building in the woods makes. They planted 25 rosa rugosa bushes (which didn't look as if they took the winters too well) lining their driveway. I was really envious of those. The smell must be really wonderful, like the smell walking to the beach at Liza's.
Saturday night I STAYED HOME.
Sunday Linda, Erd., Bill, Ken and I went to a brunch in Plattsburgh. It was really good but a lot, lot, lot of food. After brunch I came to the library to get the car for my trip on Monday. Then I drove to Wilmington to meet up with book group people (only Martha showed up), then to Lin's camp for our meeting. We read Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons, a bit of a disappointment. The three of us had a grand time together, but ate way too much. After that I went to Ken's to treat his eye, then I went home at last, home at last, thank god almighty home at last.
Yesterday I drove to Canton to a network meeting about the interlibrary loan software we use in the region. I really like the people at the meeting so we had fun. Went to a great Chinese restaurant with a wonderful buffet afterwards, then came home. Started to mow my lawn at last, having borrowed Lin's wonderful, powerful, huge, self-propelled mower (as mine is still not functioning, will not function until after the 9th, when the new part is due). Of course it started to rain. HUGE disappointment.
Went to Ken's for a drink (man am I getting tired of drinking) and to treat his eye (getting tired of doing that, too). Went home, sweet home.
It's been very hot, 80's, and 60 at night. Nearly slept in the boat house last night, but for some reason there's no power at camp so it's all by candlelight in the boat house. Not really a problem but a complication. Since I had to come to work today I opted for staying home. Of course, new episodes of Six Feet Under and Entourage were the main enticements.

And today I'm at my desk, trying to figure out how I can take tomorrow off. Both clerks will be out, on their way to Geneva for a conference. Although it will be really nice to be here without them, it's supposed to be 70 and sunny, a perfect day, and I can mow my lawn. Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with Ken and Ann Hord Coste. She's now a caterer and is cooking for us. She seems to be rather proprietary about Ken, which is fine with me. She brought him a bunch of food yesterday and told him exactly how to cook it (including frozen French fries). He was really pleased and loved the food. I love it when people pay attention to him so welcome any such activity.

And now I must gas up the library car and fill some bookmobile requests, while at home one guppy is languishing and seems to be trying to die. Each time I try to scoop her up with the net she goes into denial and swims furiously to the top of the bowl, circling madly. Die, Darbert, die.

Beatles White Album
Is what I listened to for 40 minutes all the way to work this morning. What a great bunch of music that is. Hearing their voices is so comforting, gives me such a good feeling of my past and who I am. No bad memories, no bad feelings. Doesn't matter where or who I was when I was listening to that music, it's just the Beatles and they were wonderful. So I like that album.

I needed something nice in the car after yesterday's experience at my annual gynecological exam. I went to someone new. I've seen about 5 different people in the past 10 years--they keep leaving for different jobs. This woman is very nice and I like her, but she asked if a medical student could participate in the exam too. Sure, you have to let these people learn on someone. He was ok but it took forever--a long involved interview with long emotional discussion about endometriosis. I don't like talking about it, it turns out. He wanted to know about the pain I had with it. I had blocked that out, and dredging up that part of my life, those 10 years, made me cry. Great. Then began the exam. Each part that he did she had to repeat to make sure his conclusions were correct. OK, I can handle that. Until we got to the pap and the speculuum. He tried all three sizes and couldn't get it right, each time it was really painful and miserable, so she finally took over and bingo bango boingo it was over. I think I convinced him that gynecology is not for him. Or maybe he just needs more practice. She was really apologetic and felt terrible. But I felt worse. Anyway, the whole thing took an hour, but I did talk about my fears that my endometriosis is back (not likely, since I post-menopausal, having stopped taking hormones three years ago). Firm instructions to have a colonoscopy to identify the discomfort/pain I have that I thought was endometriosis. Yes, I need to reschedule it. Was supposed to have it just before Henry died, cancelled it last year & never set it up again, too many things have interfered.

So my ride home from Vermont was endless, even though the ferry ride was beautiful, a glide on a glassy lake. I needed to get home and put all of those memories behind me, to plant myself in my present and not my past. I had to stop at the pet store and get dog food and water conditioner (for the gups). I looked at the huge array of things for fish but bought nothing. Pondered the notion of getting another fish, now that I'm down to 3. Decided 3 is a good number and maybe that's how many I was meant to have. Don't mess with a good thing. Felt bad for the betta fish they have, each sulking alone in tiny bowls. Humans are unkind to animals, as a rule. Even though fish aren't really animals.

Last night was very festive, salmon dinner at Linda's for the Balto women, Bill, Ken and me. We had a really nice time. It was warm enough to spend lots of time on her porch, which is about 3 feet from the lake. We sat there long after dinner, listening to the peepers. We could identify at least 3 different frogs. Nice.

Couldn't sleep last night, for the 3rd night. Woke at 5 AGAIN, after only about 4 hours of sleep. Was planning to meet people in Elizabethtown to barcode their collection, so didn't leave for work on time, but discovered the barcoding trip had been cancelled so was an hour late for work. As long as I was going to be late I took the dogs for a very nice walk. That Tess is sooooo cute! She loves going for a walk in a group. Jackson sort of struggles to keep up but he loves going for walks. Chances determines the pace and is pretty much in charge (well, of course I'm the Alpha, but I don't go running off into the woods, I stay on the road). But Tess goes back and forth between Chances and me, tail held high and wagging. Very sweet.

It's hot and sunny now, due to get hotter as days progress. I think on Saturday I should go to camp and set up the boat house so I can spend the night there. Sunday is a brunch in Plattsburgh with Ken and Bill at a real restaurant, a nice break from our usual routine. Friday night Linda, Erdvilas, Bill and I are going out to dinner. Tonight Ken and I are each having a load of wood delivered (4 cords). I have to figure out exactly where I want it dumped. Life is full and good.

I just ran spellcheck on this. The only match you get for Erdvilas is hardboiled. Somehow that seems strangely appropriate.

Beautiful sunny day. After many days of indecisive weather, we are now facing a string of warm and sunny days. Too warm by the weekend, temps in the 80's. I don't care for that, I prefer 70 and clear. Am not good in heat.

My 5 day break was not as productive as I'd hoped but I had a good time. Finally got myself to address the back of the house, the library, where all the stuff of the past year has accumulated. Yesterday I took 4 bags of trash to the dump. I didn't finish the job and in some ways it looks worse than it did when I started, but I feel better about it. Progress was made, things were identified, things were thrown out. I cleaned the shower, a job I hate. I planted a lot of flowers, a job I love. I still have a lot of flowers left to plant, but they are the ones that go in the garden and I have to do a lot of weeding before the ground is ready to receive them. My containers look wonderful, though. I think I planted 5 big pots full of nice assortments. There's one I'm not particularly pleased with, but it will look ok when things grow a bit more.

I'm only working until 11:30 today, then it's off to Burlington for my annual gynecological exam. I'm seeing someone new this year. I haven't had a regular person for some time, every time I see someone she seems to move on. When I first moved here I had the most wonderful doctor, a reproductive endocrinologist who performed my two surgeries. He eventually became president of the hospital, however, and is now an administrator. I need him back, I need to have someone who knows a lot about endometriosis examine me. I'll have this woman do a thorough exam to see if/where I have endometriosis. I don't see how it could be possible to still have any active sites, but it's such an insidious disease that you just never know. Anyway, a sunny ride on the ferry is on my agenda, and getting home earlier than usual.

Tonight my friend Linda is cooking dinner for Ken, the women from Balto and me. A nice break for me, although I cooked Ken's dinner last night because he seemed a bit lost when I was there to put drops in his eye. I stayed with him for 2 hours, then went to Linda's for a long visit. I didn't get to bed until nearly 1:00, then awoke at 5 and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm a bit hazy today and hope to sleep for an hour when I get home. I can sleep on the ferry, for the 20 minutes it takes to cross the lake.

I finally finished the recording of Tom Wolfe's latest book this morning. I think it was 25 CD's. It was good, but not THAT good. Then I listened to Pink. That took me back to the schoolhouse last June and the activities of The Tribe. Starting the days off with a game of Twister. Sitting around the table, sitting on the deck. In spite of it all we had a nice time together.

Tomorrow we go to Elizabethtown to barcode their collection. It's a really nice library and I think we'll finish up barcoding there. Friday I'll spend the day in a workshop learning Power Point. Monday I go to Canton to a meeting on the interlibrary loan software we use in the region, analyzing its use and planning its future. Someday I'll return to my regular job.

You Were Actually Born Under:

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You are quick witted, charming, and bring luck to all who know you.A bit greedy, you tend to go after what you want - with success.Clever, you seek out knowledge... and eventually use what you know to your advantage.You are very loyal, and you treat your real friends like they are family. You are most compatible with a Dragon or Monkey.

Year Were You Born Under?

Apparently 1952 was the year of nothing. Nice to know I'm clever--it hasn't always suited me well. Good to be loyal, and that I treat my friends well.